Friday, September 03, 2004

Greatest movie bowlers of all time

10. Axel (Chuck Aspegren) - Deer Hunter
Yes, there was bowling in the Deer Hunter. Aspegren, who oddly NEVER ACTED AGAIN, played Axel. Axel is the stand out bowler in the scene due to his commitment to the game. After rolling the ball, Axel chases it down the lane. True, this is not within the rules, but it is funny.

9. Arnie (Jeremy Piven) - Family Man
Arnie and Jack (Nicolas Cage) are neighbors, and like ALL good neighbors, they bowl together. Arnie has some skills on the lane, but it is his skill OFF the lane that puts him on the list.
Jack is thinking of cheating on his wife, but it is Arnie who talks some sense into him. This Buds for you Arnie!

8. Buck Russell (John Candy) - Uncle Buck
Yes, aside from making awesome pancakes, Uncle Buck is a bowler. He takes the kids out for a night at his favorite bowling alley, ensuing another generation of Russell’s will knock down pins.

7. The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo) - Mystery Men
Sure, it is quite a conceit to call yourself THE Bowler, but who can resist a bowling superhero? The Bowler uses her special bowling ball to STRIKE down TURKEYS and SPARE the innocent. Puns are stupid. I am sorry for that whole strike/turkeys/spare sentence.

6. Michael J Fox (Daniel McTeague ) - Greedy
A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relatives money. Michael plays Daniel, a pro bowler.
Too bad he wasn't Marty McFly, then he could have thrown the ball 1.21 jiggowatts faster. Or he could have gone back in time and stopped himself from appearing in The Hard Way.

5. Head Pin Pal (Monti Ellison) - Six-String Samurai
In one of the greatest movies no one ever saw, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to be crowned King. Heavy Metal, is doing everything he can to stop him. Three of the goons that Heavy sends after Buddy are the Pin Pals.
The Pin Pals conceal knives in their bowling pins, so they are always ready to rumble.
Of the three Pin Pals, it is the head Pin Pal who is most intimidating with his shaved head and bad attitude.
When he sees Buddy's suit he udders the words no one will ever forget.
Head Pin Pal: Nice tuxedo. Nice tuxedo to die in.
Indeed.

4. The Dude (Jeff Bridges) - The Big Lebowski
As laid back as a La-z-boy recliner (in the reclined position, or turned on it's side) The Dude is the perfect counterpart to Walter's uptight bowling prowess.
Ever the underachiever, the Dude would be more comfortable at number four than number one, and that is where he is.
Sure, he may have been willing to bend the rules for Smokey, but you gotta love a guy who listens to audiotapes of bowling matches.

3. Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) - Kingpin
So what if his name is slang for loser. So what if he loses the big game. Roy, is a LIKEABLE LOSER. You root for him, even though he always lets you down. It's like being a Milwaukee Brewers fan (if there is such a thing.)

2. Donny (Steve Buscemi) - The Big Lebowski
The Dude was the star of the story, but Donny was the star of the team. Bucking conventional wisdom Donald adopts the nickname Donnie, but opts for the Swedish spelling 'Donny.' Thus, he gets to correct people who misspell his name all the time. Donny throws the ball hard, as he so eloquently puts it 'I am throwing rocks, tonight.'
Sure, he gets John Lennon confused with Vladimir Lenin, but who among us HASNT? Can you honestly say that you have not heard Let It Be on the radio and asked yourself "Is this the Beatles? Or that guy who split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party in 1918?" I bet you cannot.
Donny throws strikes throughout the movie, but at the end, he misses. Soon, Donny dies of a heart attack. If only his heart were as big as his bowling ball. Of course, that kind of anomaly would probably have killed him sooner.

1. Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) - The Flintstones
Old 'Twinkle Toes Flintstones' tops the list. Were you expecting anyone else? Fred, the predecessor to Homer Simpson, is possibly the greatest bowler that ever lived.
Playing alongside his Water Buffalo brethren, Fred took the sport to a new level. Always bowling on his tippy toes, Fred knocks 'em down like few others.
Plus, if he is stuck with a 7-10 split, he can make the ball split halfway down the lane to get both pins.

21 comments:

  1. The Dude rules! He should be number one!

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  2. You know what would be AWESOME?? If they made a movie about Evel Knievel jumping over a bowling alley. It would be even cooler if the bowling alley had no roof, and while Evel was jumping over it, he dropped a ball from his motocycle. Then it landed on the alley and rolled all the way, knocking all the pins over for a perfect strike. Oh man that would be SSSSSSSWWWWWWEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!

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  3. Anonymous9/03/2004

    Sweetie, what about that film starring Michael Moore and Charleton Heston where they go bowling? Why wasn't that on your list? I never saw the film, I think it was about bowling. Bowling was in the title. It was the one Moore did before he made that action movie about an invasion of Iraq. Also, I'm a complete idiot.

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  4. I wish "Cinderella Story" had bowling in it. I once wrote some Lizzie McGuire fan fiction in which her, Miranda, and Gordo went bowling. Here is a breif scene:

    Lizzie: Let's have a bowling tournament to raise money for the school dance!

    Gordo: I don't know, Lizzie.

    Fonzie: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! (Fonzie hits a juke box and 1960s music starts playing everyone dances)

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  5. The research done to write this blog must have cost millions of dollars and thousands of lives.

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  6. Gene Hackman is so cool bowling balls roll him!!

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  7. Interesting fact: My movie Blue Chips, was originally going to cast me as a bowler, instead of a basketball player. It was going to deal with the pressures of being a highly recruited bowling superstar in an era where bowling ranks ahead of a man's education. The Bob Cousy role originally was supposed to go to Dick Webber, but the studio was excited by the success of White Man Can't Jump and demanded the sport be changed.

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  8. Hey Shaq!! Welcome aboard and good luck in Miami this year!!

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  9. One time I went bowling in a tuxedo.

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  10. Freeze, you have me confused. I'm Shaquille O'Neal the actor, not the basketball player. I was the one in Kazam, and Steel.

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  11. First, all the wilde hearts of the parish, conventyng together, chuse them a Graunde Capitaine (of all mischeef) whom thei ennoble with the title of My Lord of Misserule, and him thei crown with great solemnitie, and adopt for their King.

    This King, anointed, chuseth forth twentie. fourtie, threescore or an hundred lustie guttes like to himself. They are dressed in his livery, of green, yellow, or some other light, wanton colour. And as though that were not gaudie enough I should sale, thei bedeck themselves with scarffes, ribbons, and laces, hanged all over with gold rynges, precious stones, and other jewelles. This doen, thei tye about either legge twentie or fourtie belies, with rich hande kercheefes in their handes, sometimes laied a crosse over their shoulders and neckes, borrowed, for the moste parte of their prettie Mopsies, loovyng Bessies, for bussyng them in the darcke. Thus, all thynges sette in order, then have thei their Hobble Horses, Dragons, and other Antiques, together with their baudie Pipers and thonderyng Drommes to strike up the Devilles's Daunce with all, then march these heathen companie towards the Churche and churcheyarde, their Pipers pipyng, their Drommers thonderyng, their stumpes dauncing, their belies tynglyng, their hande kercheefes swyngyng about their heads like madmen, their Hobble Horses and other monsters skirmshyng amongst the throng; and in this sorts thei goe to the Churche, (though the minister be at praier or preachyng )- dauncyng and swyngyng their hande kercheefes over their heads in the churche like devils incarnate, makynge such an hullaballoo that nobody can heere himself thynke.

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  12. Shaq,

    Not Guilty, Mo' Fo' !!!!!!

    Good luck winning 40 games in Miami. I'll be supersizing my championship ring next year.

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  13. By the way, what the hell is that comment about renaissance faires all about? And what moon man language is that above post written in? Maybe Mr. General Studies degree from LSU can tell me all about renaissnace faires since I didn't go to college.

    Of course I learned to count the benjamins in kindergaten, beeeeeeeeeyotch!!!!

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  14. I don't like bowling. My favorite sport is Kangaroo boxing. You should have ranked the 10 greatest movie Kangaroo boxers. I would have put Jerry McConnel in Kangaroo Jack as #1. He's got some slick moves. I wonder if a professional kangaroo boxer gave him some training. Well got to go, I need to do 1,000 situps before my bout with Buttercup, tomorrow night. He's fiesty. I also enjoy wrestling dingos!!

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  15. Anonymous9/03/2004

    How does Arnie from Family Man make the list, and not Walter from Lebowski.

    Sweetie, you are slipping!

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  16. Anonymous9/04/2004

    I love this list! Great site. Do an article on Voltron. Sweetie!

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  17. Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble
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    Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble
    Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble Robble

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  18. Anonymous9/07/2004

    I think I will rent Family Man tonight. It sounds dreadful! Maybe I will hit myself with a hammer instead.

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  19. Oooooh, I like Deer Hunter!

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  20. I think it is sad that I have never, ever seen ANY of these!!!!

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