Monday, August 30, 2004

Dear bunchojunk: Think outside the bun

Once again, bunchojunk answers letters to those who seek advice.


Dear bunchojunk,
My fiancée has a dog that is NOT housebroken. I can not live like that. We will have to live together after the wedding, what should I do?
-Problem dog owner to be

Dear Problem,
If the dog is not housebroken, then move into an APARTMENT. GET IT? It's not in a house, so it doesn't need to be HOUSEBROKEN. Isn't that funny?

Actually, my advice is, drive out to the country and let the dog go. When he wonders about WHERE the dog is, tell him that the dog went on a cruise. If he finds out the truth, tell him the housebroken joke. He will laugh SO HARD he will forget all about the dog.
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Dear bunchojunk,
My boss smells really bad. It is difficult for all of us to deal with. Sometimes he will come back from a long weekend and he will smell so bad, that I take off work, just to be away from him.
I can't think of a solution that will not get me fired! What should I do?
-Can't stand the smell

First off, I don't smell THAT bad! Second, come back to work! I need help writing wacky answers to people's questions.
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Dear bunchojunk,
My teenage son is gaining weight, rapidly. He used to be very thin, but now he is starting to get very heavy. None of his clothes fit him anymore. It really is becoming a problem for his health, he is tired when ever he climbs the stairs.
What should I do?
-Weight watcher

Dear Weight,
First thing I would do is get rid of the stairs. Find a ranch house where he will be more comfortable.
Second, he will need to find more appropriate clothes. I would recommend a muumuu or perhaps a discarded circus tent. This way if he wants to make people laugh he can look down his shirt and say "hey the lion tamer is performing!"
They will still be laughing AT HIM, but also with him as well.
Finally, all-you-can eat buffets will be your best friend! Use them!
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Dear bunchojunk,
I need to buy my mother in law a birthday present. She always complains that everything we get her is too cheap and she expects more from me. What should I get her?
-Help wanted

Dear Help,
This is a very good question. Gift giving can be very tricky. I have found that if someone complains about your gift, you should say "yeah, and it's stolen, too."
Then call the cops and they will bust them for possession of stolen goods.
Man, I can't wait for Hanukkah!
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Dear bunchojunk,
My wife is becoming addicted to the computer. Every night she spends hours and hours looking at website after website. How can I get her to stop! I need to have my wife back!
-Missing her


Dear Missing,
Send her this link: bunchojunk.com. She'll be sick of computers COMPLETLY after about 10 minutes of this nonsense.

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