Usually they are just cold form letters that rip out a piece of your soul and never return it.
That is why I am particularly fond of this one:
This arrived a few months after I entered a contest to become the Vice President of the Dukes of Hazzard Institute.
It was a pretty odd contest. The Institute is (according to commercials) a real place where the Dukes are studied. The winner of the contest got $100,000 for one year of work.
The tasks involved writing a daily Duke's blog, appearing on TV interviews and driving the General Lee at some Duke's event.
I sent in some articles from this site, a video of me talking about TV and the lyrics to MY personal theme song. Luckily I didn't keep a copy of any of these things.
But I did keep this letter. It arrived long after I saw some dork on TV announced as the winner.
Sure, he got $100,000 but he didn't get one of these:
It reads:
"Two VP's would have been more than the law would allow"
Then it says the obligatory "thanks for entering" nonsense followed by a "Uncle Jesse would be proud."
This pleased me until I started to wonder if they meant Uncle Jesse from the Dukes or Uncle Jesse from Full House.
In retrospect, I am sure they are both proud.
If ya wanna read about the winner click here.
ReplyDeleteIt seems pretty obvious that they meant Uncle Jesse from Full House.
ReplyDeleteBeing rejected is my second biggest fear right behind being accepted. By bears. In their mouth.
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ReplyDeleteUsing urinals is my second biggest fear, right after talking urinal mints!!! Damn, CMT - no one believed me. Your cursed talking mint drove me insane. I peed on it and it told me I miss. Pwehh - I spit on your talking urinal mint and it told me I missed. Fooey on your talking urinal mint.
ReplyDeleteIf you hear voices or a jingle
ReplyDeleteWhile you tinkle
It’s the Wizmark!!
As you stand at the urinal, hark!
If you see an ad displayed
On the commode piping
It’s the Wizmark!!
Feel free to sign along, but please do not touch
It’s electric and very dirty and disgusting
It’s the Wizmark!!
Flashing lights and sounds while you relieve
From ordinary facilities you get a reprieve
The Wizmark!! YEAH!
No, no it isn't right! Why can't I write one snappy sign along jingle!!!
Happy New Year. Today I woke up and broke the wheels off of Michelle's bike. She started crying a little bit, but then I told her if she didn't shut up I would eat her. She piped down. I got on my pogo stick and bounced down to the store where I bought a case of PBR. Actually, I didn't buy it...they gave it to me for free. Actually, I just took it...they didn't do anything. I hopped over to Danny Tanner's house and took all of his shirts out of his closet and mailed them to Texas. Then, I ate some General Tso's Chicken. It was too spicy, so I threw General Tso off of the roof of the library. I went home and found Becky cleaning all of the asbestos out of our ceiling. She was wearing gloves and a mask, but I took them and told her to toughen up. Then, she made me some lemonade. I asked her where the kids were, and she told me I was supposed to pick them up from day care before I came home. The she realized that she made a mistake and agreed with me that they should walk home. I was pretty tired from my day, so I took the SAT's and scored a 1700. Then, I tied Joey Gladstone's shoelaces together and threw him on a treadmill. I went up to bed, called Donald Trump and told him to fluff my pillow because he had a shitty TV show. He obliged. I sat back in bed and fell asleep listening to "Mr. Boombastic" by Shaggy, which was written about me. Tomorrow, I'll probably be sweeter than I was today.
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