Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Great Speeches in American History: Jake the Snake Roberts

In late 1999 pro wrestling was at the height of it's popularity. Wrestling events were selling out everywhere. Pay-per-view ratings were higher than ever. This led to the Heroes of Wrestling event.

It sounded like a really good idea. Take all of the older guys that couldn't get a job with the WWF or the WCW and let them wrestle.

The result was EASILY the WORST wrestling event of all time. The show muddled through a series of mediocre matches with occasional bright spots which were than darkened by bad commentary and worse production values. As the event passed the two hour mark the time had come for Jake the Snake Roberts to take on Jim the Anvil Neidhardt.

Jake was a mess. Bloated and pale he stumbled around the ring like a drunken has been. This was probably because he WAS a drunken has been.

Yup, he was smashed. The match was forgettable and more confusing than watching a David Lynch movie in reverse as you stand on your head.

The highlight was actually BEFORE the match, when Jake did his pre-match interview.
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Jake stumbled into frame and told the interviewer the following:

"In a casino, you should gamble. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Ok, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me ... When you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don't accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your a## back up here. Hell-oooo, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. That's what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! THINK ABOUT IT!"

He said this in the most slurred voice one could imagine. At many points he was almost indecipherable.

Let's take a look at this rambling rant line by line:

In a casino, you should gamble. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Ok, I cheat.


O.K., I assume he is speaking ABOUT a casino because the event was AT a casino. He also confesses to cheating. Let's move on.

You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too.


You may have blown by that last line and not realized the total insanity of it. For starters:
"Twenty-one, also know as black jack, is one of the most popular casino card games in the world. Much of its popularity is due to the mix of chance and skill. Players try to beat the dealer by getting closest to 21 without going over."
So, if Jake has 22 HE LOSES. Then he tells us he has two "black jacks." Normally I would think that he was referring to the card game which he just called "21" but maybe he was referring to the small dark oak tree known as a "black jack." Maybe he has a nice tree nursery with two black jacks.

Or, maybe he is just really hammered.

You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too.


There is no tree called an "aces and eights" so, lets just assume that he is saying he owns many decks of cards.

Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me ...


I won't.

When you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing.


Right. Like if you got a twenty-two while playing twenty-one?

I don't accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something.


During this brief bit of eloquence the camera panned down to reveal a bag containing Jake's snake, Damien. Damien apparently doesn't like to lose either. It's possible he has a better grasp of the rule to various games of chance, however.

I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your a## back up here. Hell-oooo, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. That's what you should worry about Anvil.


This was my favorite part of the interview. He was LEANING on the interviewer for support and he seemed genuinely angry with the cameraman.

The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! THINK ABOUT IT!


You know what I spent the past few minutes thinking about this soliloquy. I think that was more than enough.

10 comments:

  1. I think the question on everyone's mind is did Jake win the match?

    Surely after a speech like that he had to have scared the daylights out of the Anvil!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Didn't the match not happen when all involved realized that Jake was too hammered and they turned it into a tag match?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Indeed,the match was turned into a tag match.

    Jake and the Anvil wrestled for about 10 minutes and then Yokozuna and King Kong Bundy came down to make it a tag match. In the end Jake was pinned, but he got to put the snake on some guy from the crowd who looked like a smaller version of Bundy. Oddly enough this guy was never introduced to the crowd and the announcers didn't know who he was.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love it! I can almost smell the liquor on his breath as I read this! Oh wait, that's my breath.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love it! I can almost smell the liquor on his breath as I read this! Oh wait, that's my breath.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great, now all I can think about is DDT. Thanks a lot.

    DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT. DDT.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jake's Snake Damien2/09/2006

    Jussssst becaussssssse I am Jake's ssssssnake does not mean that I am hissssss friend.

    It feelsssssss good to finally get thissssss off of my proverbial chessssst.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jake's Socks2/09/2006

    I also do not count myself as one of Jake'ssssss friendssss.

    BTW, I don't have a lisp, I was quoting Damien.

    ReplyDelete