Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Fire Rescue Toy AKA "Faster you foot"

I have always hated gifts.


I hate giving them AND receiving them. I know, it makes me sound like a Scrooge, but nothing is more uncomfortable than gift giving. Well, using a trough urinal with a bunch of strangers is more uncomfortable. But, you rarely see trough urinals anymore. If you have no idea what I am talking about count your blessings.

Speaking of which, we are definitely blessed when others care enough to give a gift to us. Still, there is an odd procedure that goes into opening a gift:

Step 1: You have to say something like "you shouldn't have done this" or "jeez, I didn't get you anything."
Step 2: You open it and either:
a) if you don't like it, you have to pretend to like it.
b) if you like it, you have to express that without making it look like you are just pretending.
c) you have to try and "return the favor" by remembering their birthday or being nice to their kids or not hitting on their girlfriend or something.

Anyway, I always have hated gifts.

That is, until someone gave me this:

This is an awesome dollar store find. Special Designed Fire Rescue. He's like a real life superhero!

The image at the top shows a Victorian home going up in flames and an unrevealed number of human lives in danger.

If that doesn't say "fun toy" to you, I don't know what would.

On the other side of the package is the warning:

I shall translate the foreign languages:

ENGLISH: Not suitable for children under 3 years.
FRENCH: It's not convenient to have nine menorahs or 36 mice.
ITALIAN: No addition by order of mob boss Al Bambini. It makes him feel inferior as he can not add above 36.

Sure, if this JUST included a photo of a historic building being burned and a warning about the dangers of Italian mathematics it would be a great deal for a dollar.

But there is more!

Look at the fire fighter. He looks strong and bold. Like one of the G.I. Joe figures you traded to the kid down the block who got more than one Cobra Commander for Christmas.

Still, it looks like his hat doesn't fit. Let's take it off and see why:

HOLY IDA LUPINO! The man is DEFORMED! No wonder his hat doesn't fit.

Since it's not polite to mock the disfigured, let us look at his accessories instead.

First off is a red thing that might be Tom Servo's head. Then we have the "don't smoking" fire extinguisher. Of course a traffic cone is standard issue to all firemen, and lastly is the barrel. I guess he has that to throw in case Mario is ever chasing after him.

But, take a closer look at that barrel:


I can add nothing to that sentiment.


  1. Wasn't there a film called Faster, Foot, Kill, Kill?

  2. Anonymous2/14/2006

    If I remember correctly, the film "Faster you foot" starred and Doris Day and Oliver Pelicane. It didn't do too well in the box office, primarily because the title didn't make any sense. I think Lou Albano had a short roll in the film. He was the foot.

  3. I wanted to make a comment about "Faster you foot" but I'm at a loss for words. Instead I'll say this.

    Robot Roll Call: (Come on, let's go)
    Cambot (Pan left)
    Gypsy (Hi girl)
    Tom Servo (What a cool guy)
    Croooow! (You little wisecracker)

    I hope I M Da' Bomb will show up to fill us in on Faster, Foot, Kill, Kill.

  4. Anonymous2/15/2006

    This movie was originally set for Hedy lamarr, but she refused (wisely) and was in turn, denied the role in Casablanca. Louis B Mayer was spiteful to be sure. The best thing in this movie was the rendition of the "3 B's", sung by the youthful Nancy Walker, Gloria De Haven and June Allyson, and Harry James orchestra. "Buckle Down Winsocki" was the hit of its day, sung magnificently by a Tommy Dix. Whatever happened to him? When a movie has one comma and three exclamation points in the title, it has to be good. Daniel Day-Lewis' almost impossible performance in this film earned him a well-deserved Oscar in 1989 for Best Actor over the heavily favoured Tom Cruise in 'Born on the Fourth of July'. The Academy was still riding the wave of awarding Dustin Hoffman a second Best Actor prize a year earlier for his performance as a mentally challenged individual in 'Rain Man' and since Day-Lewis' performance was superior to Hoffman's, the Academy had to recognize him. This excellent documentary film captures the excitement of the races and the lives of a few of the racers from the point of view of the racers themselves and their teams. The film begins with a focus on the rivalry between Valentino Rossi and Max Biaggi (the film definitely takes Rossi's side). This was made during that era when a few strangers could gather around the table for a chicken and corn on the cob dinner in that old fashioned way. One person at the table could talk about how much he hates his son. Another could drink wine until she passes out. A third could try to find out where the old man keeps his treasure. Then when the kidnap victim escapes again they could all go out searching for her. Unfortunately, a train goes by and toots its horn and the big Tarzan guy runs home. The music is good throughout the movie. The service station attendant gets some laughs as he lays pipe (exposition, plot revelation) while he gazes through the windshield of the mean killer girl's car. There is one scene where a chase is taking place down a railroad track. It would have been funny if it could have been resolved the way they did it in Abbot and Costello's "Ride 'Em Cowboy." If you like this I recommend "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" and "Amazons." There is also a fight scene in "Diamonds Are Forever" between James Bond and a tough Vegas showgirl. This movie is perfect for anyone into speed and tuned import sports cars for the most part(yes, even the occasional despicable economy car made to "perform" is present)I saw the previews knowing this was going to be basically an adrenaline rush of a movie, and I gave it a 10 because that's what it delivered.

  5. Tell me something I don't know I'M Da Bomb.

  6. Anonymous2/15/2006

    sweetie fan - at least he didn't lose you in the trough urinal...

  7. Anonymous2/15/2006

    I think that Trough Urinal would be an AWESOME name for a band. Anyone here play bass guitar?

  8. Anonymous2/15/2006

    Sweetie - I'll try. did you know that Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head"?

  9. Anonymous2/16/2006

    My second biggest fear is having to use a trough urinal with a bunch of strangers. My biggest fear is finding a bear in my bathroom.

  10. Anonymous2/17/2006

    I just wandered in... I thought I smelled a big plate of pork someone might have left on the counter.

    OH, nevermind. I just smell fear...