Do you remember this poster?
It was the official movie ratings poster for many years. In fact, it is older than the NC-17 rating, so it used to have the X rating at the bottom.
I love this poster. I spent countless minutes looking at it as I waited for mom and dad to get the tickets.
Most of that time was spent looking at the dirty film at the bottom. What was it that they saw? I was so curious and jealous of those perverts.
Today this poster can still be found occasionally. For the most part, however, it has been replaced by this poster:
I don't like this one nearly as much. Plus, I hate when people take kids to R rated films. They kids are usually bored and start to talk or cry or run around.
I decided to make my own version of this poster to try and keep the kids out of the next showing of Doom:
Actually the poster could say:
Don't worry about the NC-17. It is sooo unlikely that this theater will EVER show an NC-17 that you shouldn't waste your "brain space" on its definition. Keep that space for your memories of 'Head of the Class' and 'Silver Spoons.'
Nonetheless, the old poster was better. Let’s take a look at it rating by rating:
Apparently 'G' is for 'giraffe!' Also, G is the only place you will ever find a nerd in a top hat. Make a note of that.
Plus, look at the boobs on the 'mom' in the middle. Whoo hooo! 'G' might be for GAZOOOMBAS!
Parents begin to use discretion at PG films. It is seems to be the right rating for broads from New Jersey and their giant teased hair. On the right we see a pale kid and his ghetto blaster. I bet it has never blasted through a single ghetto.
PG-13 really seems to shake up the movie-going family. Mom covers the daughter's eyes, Dad covers one of his son's eyes (poor kid is blind in the other) and the daughter covers up the rabbit's eyes.
It is worth noting that the rabbit has attended every film so far. He has no life.
Also, the family is joined by a midget matre’de. His name is Juan. He likes to laugh at the funny Adam Sandler movie.
It seems the parents agree with my philosophy about not taking kids to the R rated flicks since they are alone now.
Well, not COMPLETLY alone, they are joined by a pair of horny teens on the left and some overbearing mom and her dorky kid on the right.
Conspicuous by his absence is the rabbit. Perhaps he thought the 'G' for 'giraffe' was so stupid he didn't want to encourage an 'R' for rabbit.
Or, maybe the rabbit just hates R rated films because he likes the hard core stuff. He's hiding on the left wearing a pair of sunglasses so that no one recognizes him.
The couple is now joined by a greaser from a 1950's motorcycle film.
So, that is the ratings poster. Because of this poster I spent a lifetime in theaters showing G films just to get a glimpse of a giraffe. Never did I see one. Not even an antelope.
This poster lied to me.