Wednesday, June 22, 2005

My Interview with Herbie the Love Bug

Wow, this was exciting. Sure, I have bantered with famous people in the past, but never a star of this caliber.

Herbie the Love Bug. I was about to do a one hour interview with Herbie the Love Bug.

I was so excited I had to stop for popsicles.

So, after a brief stop at the 7-11 I arrived at Herbie's palatial estate. As I gathered my paperwork I inadvertently stuck my Raspberry Rocketpop under my arm. I was so embarrassed I rushed home to change.

When I got home I found a package at my door. Yup, you guessed it, it was intended for my next door neighbor but accidentally left on my doorstop (how DID you guess that????)

Quickly I scooped up the box and took it inside. I never knew my neighbor was such a big George Clooney fan! The box contained a DVD of Batman and Robin, The Peacemaker and Hanging with Georgie (an unauthorized look at the career of George Clooney), plus a publicity photo of him as the handyman on "The Facts of Life."

What luck!

Since I am a HUGE Rosemary Clooney fan I pulled her Come On-A My House box set out of my closet, taped the handyman photo on the door put on the DVDs and invited some friends over for Clooney-Fest 2005.

"What about Herbie?" My friend Jeff asked.

"Silly Jeff" I responded "Herbie is a '63 VW Bug, he'd never fit through the door."

We partied the night away until I mentioned how I got the DVDs.

"Sweetie!" one of them shouted "Stealing mail is a federal offense!"

I quickly threw all the stuff back in the box, taped it shut tossed it onto my neighbor's porch and hid in the closet for three days.

After my self imposed exile I cleaned myself up and headed back to Herbie's. He had agreed to a new interview. This time he had only ten minutes so I ditched my regular questions and instead asked the ten questions that James Lipton asks at the end of "Inside the Actor's Studio."

SWEETIE: Hello Herbie.

Herbie: Hi there.

SWEETIE: I would like to ask you the 10 questions prepared by my mentor James Lipton who stole them from Bernard Pivot of the French series, "Bouillon de Culture." Is that okay?

HERBIE: Am I being punked?

SWEETIE: No.

HERBIE (honking his horn and spinning in a circle): Alright Ashton, come on out.

SWEETIE: I assure you, there will be no punking.

HERBIE: Sure. I'll play along with the gag. Ask away.

SWEETIE: First question is "What is your favorite word?"

HERBIE: Vin Diesel.

SWEETIE: That's not a word.

HERBIE: Sure it is.

SWEETIE: No, that's a proper noun. Two of them.

HERBIE: What are you? The Mad Libs Rulebook? I like Diesel because it's such an exotic fuel and VIN stands for "vehicle identification number." Mine is 0128712.

SWEETIE: It's also the name of the actor from "The Pacifier."

HERBIE: What is?

SWEETIE: Vin Diesel. He's an actor.

HERBIE: I'm not familiar with him. Are you punking me?

SWEETIE: No. The next question is "What is your least favorite word?"

HERBIE: I'll have to choose Vin Diesel, the actor.

SWEETIE: I thought you never heard of him.

HERBIE: Whatever. Next question.

SWEETIE: "What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?"

HERBIE: Vin Diesel! Hah! Who's punking who now!

SWEETIE: Uh, yeah. Let's move on "What turns you off?"

HERBIE: Ignition key turned to the right. Hurry up; we don't have much time left!

SWEETIE: "What is your favorite curse word?"

HERBIE: I don't use them.

SWEETIE: "What sound or noise do you love?"

HERBIE: The sound of a puppy hitting the pavement from three stories up.

SWEETIE: Eww. "What sound or noise do you hate?"

HERBIE: Dan Fogelberg.

SWEETIE: "What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?"

HERBIE: I want to be the host of "America's Funniest Videos" or at least I want to be on the show, preferably hitting someone in the crotch.

SWEETIE: "What profession would you not like to do?"

HERBIE: Dan Fogelberg.

SWEETIE: "If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

HERBIE: I'd like him to say "I forgive you for the puppy comment." But wouldn't God be inside?

SWEETIE: What?

HERBIE: You said it like God is working the door at a nightclub. Shouldn't he be inside somewhere?

SWEETIE: I guess. Thanks for your time.

HERBIE: That's it!! (he starts spinning around) You're slipping Ashton! Your pranks used to be so much better!

9 comments:

  1. All joking aside, I attended a sepecial screening of this film earlier in the week and it rocks! Very much like the other films. Funny funny stuff!

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  2. Gene Hackman is so cool, Herbie interviews him!!

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  3. Herbie: Fully Loaded looks like crap. I can't believe you wasted your time on this, Sweetie. First off, why the heck was Lindsay Loahn cast? She looks like a freak. She can't act, can't sing, threw a tantrum at the movie's premiere. She'll be appearing in Lifetime movies within 5 years.

    If we are going to spend time interviewing things that talk, but shouldn't? How about interviewing the stuffed rabit from "The Perfect Man?" On my site, thank youMarkRossman.com, I'll be interviewing a piece of bread from the shop where Hilary Duff works.
    That should be interesting.

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  4. You know what would be AWESOME? If Evel Knievel was ditched his motorcycle and jumped over the the fountains at Cesar's Palace in Herbie. Then when the VW lands safely, Don Knotts can come out and comment, "This is one bug that doesn't NEED to be exterminated." Then everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Oh man that would be SSSSSSSWWWWWWWWEEEEEEETTTTT!!!

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  5. You should have asked Herbie about the difficulties of finding work as an older car in Hollywood or if you wanted to cause trouble you could have asked about those allegations that he and K.I.T.T. were romantically linked.

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  6. Oddly enough there was a joke in Herbie:Fully Loaded about Herbie partying with K.I.T.T.!

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  7. Jim Shorts6/22/2005

    Foul! I think there are a lot of fouls because people are upset about the war! Foul!

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  8. No way! I though I was being funny and original. I guess I was neither. I knew I should have said Daisy Duke's Jeep instead of KITT.

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  9. Jim Shorts6/22/2005

    Jason! Thats a foul! I know you are riled up over the war, but you can't charge the goalie like that.
    Foul!

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