Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Dear Sweetie: Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama

Every so often I check my email and find letters from people in need of advice. The letters touch me dearly, tortured souls crying out for help from me. So, I exploit them and put them on this site.

Letter #1:
Dear Sweetie,
It has been 17 days since my last cigarette. It is so hard to quit! I have the strongest urges to light up again! What do I do?
Missing Smoke

Dear Missing,
Quitting smoking is hard, but quitting QUITING smoking is easy! I think that is delicious irony. I also think it is ironic that we park in a drive way and drive on a park way. I think it is interesting that "ironic" contains the word "iron" and the letters "I.C." which can stand for "integrated circuit". Some integrated circuits are made out of iron. That's not ironic, though, that’s just interesting.
Thanks for writing,

Letter #2
Dear Sweetie,
I am blind. I have a lot of trouble dating, mostly because of the fact that I am blind. What can I do?

Dear Blindie,
Buck up young man! Being blind isn't so bad. I know this because I saw both "Daredevil" and "Ray". I assume you didn't see these movies because you can't see. Here are some of the things I learned.
"Ray" taught me that if you feel a woman's wrist you can tell if she's ugly. So, check the wrists! Also, you should really date the ugly girls. After all, what difference does it make to you? You can't see them.
"Ray" also showed me that you can hear hummingbirds from a mile away with your supersonic hearing. You are like a superhero!
"Daredevil" just taught me that Colin Farrell, Joe Pantoliano and Ben Affleck are all overrated. I am not sure how that will help you.

Letter #3
Dear Sweetie,
I am trying to teach my daughter how to swim. Any advice?
Water Girl

Dear Water,
Sure. First, remember pools can be intimating to children. I recommend using a kiddie pool to start with. Since water can get in kid's lungs very quickly I recommend that you fill the kiddie pool with Jell-o.
Then train her for the next 18 years. Then send her to my place for Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama 2023!
Thanks for writing,

If you have questions send them to me. I will respond when I think of something mildly amusing to respond with.

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