Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Yo Butkus!

Rocky III. Unquestionably the greatest cinematic achievement of all time. The ultimate good versus evil story with Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky Balboa going head to head with Mr. T’s Clubber Lang. But something is missing.

Let’s back up.

In the first film, Rocky, Adrian works in a pet store. Rocky is trying to sweep her off her feet so he goes to tell her a joke:

ROCKY
(continuing)
I was talkin'
about the turtle food -- Like
I was sayin', the moths get
caught in the turtle's throat
an' makes 'em cough...
(coughs)
A little cough an' I gotta
smack 'em on the shell -- An'
whatta think they get?

Adrian shrugs.

ROCKY
(continuing)
I smack 'em hard on the shell
an' they get... What?

ADRIAN
... I don't know.

ROCKY
Shell-shocked!

WOW Shell-shocked!! Get it! Aw man, that is funny. Anyway, the two turtles are named Cuff and Link. Sure Rocky smacks ‘em around, but they are his friends.

Since Rocky runs everyday, Adrian decides to give him someone to jog with. So what does she bring him? The ugliest dog on the planet, Butkus (pronounced Butt-kiss).

It should be noted that Butkus was Stallone’s own dog. He named him after football legend Dick Butkus.

When Rocky 2 hit the screen, Butkus was back, running with Rocky. Somehow, when Rocky 3 starts they are all gone. Butkus, Cuff and Link are nowhere to found.

What happened? Rumors were rampant. Did they die? Had they been written out of the script because Rocky is now a millionaire who wouldn’t have time for an old dog and two turtles? Had Stallone’s ex wife won Butkus, Cuff and Link in the divorce settlement?

Who knows.

All I know is I miss Butkus.

I miss him so much I wrote a song about him.



I MISS BUTKUS (to the tune of “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer)

I miss Butkus (x2)
I miss Butkus(oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh) (x2)

My-my-my-my Clubber hits him so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for Rocky III which I watch for free on TNT
Kinda sad when Mickey dies
But I laughed and laughed when Rocky cried
But I don’t know for sure
Why Rocky don’t have a dog no more
I told you homeboy I miss Butkus
Yeah that's how we're livin' and you know I miss Butkus
Look in my eyes man I miss Butkus

Rocky is buffer than before
But he don’t have pooch no more
And Cuff and Link, they’re gone
Yet somehow Apollo stayed on
Their sudden friendship is hard on my brain
But the missing canine causes me more pain
Couldn’t they just let him drop by
So we would know the dog didn’t die
Yo I told you I miss Butkus
Why you standing there man I miss Butkus
Yo sound the bells school is in, sucker I miss Butkus

I miss Butkus (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh) (x2)
Break it down
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh) (x2)
Stop! Hammer time

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