Tuesday, May 24, 2005


In perhaps the most shameless, self aggrandizing moment in the history of mankind, George Lucas has started a website for people to thank him.

"Thank him for what?" You might ask.

For making Star Wars.


On the website you can read gushing testimonials from people whose lives have been enriched by Star Wars.

Since Lucas is notoriously litigious I won't tell you any of the REAL testimonials but this is what they read like:

Dear George,
When I was 4 I saw Return of the Jedi and it forever changed my life. My first word was "Ewok" and I now have a strange fetish for hairy women... and dogs. I work at the Piggly Wiggly here in Georgia (the one in America not Russia) and I often try to "use the force" to get me through the day.
I wish Princess Leia was real... real hairy.
Thank you

According to the site, this website is the result of a spontaneous outpouring of thanks from the fans started by an 8 year old at a recent convention.
The convention was called Celebration III and was the first Star Wars convention Lucas attended in years. At the convention he gave two speeches to packed houses. At the end there was a question and answer session.

According to Entertainment Weekly at the end of the first Q & A an eight year old boy named Tyler stood up and said "Thank you." George then invited the boy on stage for a photo. A few hours later, at the second Q & A Tyler stood up and said "Thank you" George pretended to be surprised and guess what- invited the boy on stage for a photo.


Besides the phoniness of the whole thing, I am still puzzled WHY we should thank him! Sure, Star Wars fans have enjoyed the film... but they weren't free. We PAID to see them. These same fans already made George rich. Isn't that thanks enough? Shouldn't he be thanking THEM?

And, if the criteria for thanks are making movies that captured our imaginations, is George the only one we have to thank? I think I have a bunch of other people to thank first.

Sure, Star Wars was an excellent 6 films (give or take 3) but aside from the 4 Star Wars films he directed (that's right, 4! He neither wrote nor directed Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) all he has is American Graffiti and THX1138.

Let's compare that with his friend and fellow superstar director Steven Spielberg.
Some of Spielberg's films include:
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Schindler's List (1993)
Jurassic Park (1993)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Jaws (1975)

Let's pretend that Spielberg had taken the same path as Lucas. Today we would be enjoying "E.T.: Revenge of the Sith".

Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Anyway, to add to the bizarre nature of thankyougeorge.com they have a banner ad that says incest is "cool."

I'm not kidding. Look:
Thank The Maker - Sign The Letter to George Lucas for 27 Years of Star Wars

Not to be left out, I decided to pen a letter to Lucas myself:

Dear George,
A few years back I wrote to you with my ideas for episode 3. You ignored them. Why were you so foolish? I ask you, what was wrong with my ideas?
First I suggested a scene with Yoda. I don't know what was wrong with that scene! You made 6 Star Wars films and NEVER showed Yoda naked. You should have listened to me!
Second, you ignored my suggestion of adding a scene where gets frustrated trying to find the hidden picture in one of those "Magic Eye" paintings. Then he kills all three judges from American Idol. That would have been great!
Finally, you ignored my ending for the film. I told you to have Jabba the Hut wake up at the end of Return of the Sith and say "Wow, it was all a dream!" Then he could go to the shower and find Patrick Duffy (obscure reference alert! Click here to read about episode 222 of the hit TV show Dallas.)
Shame on you, Mr. Lucas.
Thanks for nothing.

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