Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Things I learned from

Today, guest commentator Cravipat from Gumball Studios tells what he learned from

I've been reading for a long time. I wasn't here for day one but I think I came pretty close. I have read all of the articles, the interesting, the funny and even the occasional stinker. There's a lot to learn in the 246 pages that have accumulated over the year. I'd share them with you but are you that lazy that you can't read them yourself? Just be sure to pace yourself, I tried reading the complete archive in one day in preparation for this article and now I can't remember my phone number for some reason. The massive information overload did allow me to glimpse some knowledge nuggets that the casual reader may overlook. These I will share. I called them nuggets so Sweetie would give them an A+. Let's begin.

Brazen unicorns never crowd hallways or jostle ugly newborn kittens.

The best place to find old Popeye cartoons is on Betty Boop DVDs. I'm sure Olive Oil isn't too happy about that.

If you take the 1st, 6th and 11th letters from junks posted on Monday, the 2nd, 7th, and 12th letters from junks posted on Tuesday, the 3rd, 8th and 13th letters from junks posted on Wednesday, the 4th, 9th and 14th letters from junks posted on Thursday and the 5th, 10th and 15th letter from junks posted on Friday and unscramble them you'll find a hidden message from Sweetie.

There is still no Carl's/Carl's Jr. junk.

"Cintus supremus" is a great insult because no one knows what it means.

Cameras cause Sweetie to break out in a smile and give a thumbs up.
The exceptions to this are graveyards and women, though his thumb may still be up.

There is a Superman in every episode of Seinfeld, but he has only made two appearances on Superman, not Seinfeld.

Waffle House would best Burger King in a burger building battle, with Waffle House's 70 million different ways versus BK's measly 1,024.

A Google search for bunchojunk suggests bunchafunk instead, a band that has "a total lock on the groove!" There is nothing I can add to make that any funnier.

Some junks may contain peanuts. And bananas.

Hay is for horses.

While there have been two junks about Abe Lincoln the second wasn't called Abe 2: Steam Powered Boogaloo.

There have been two junks about Disney's Carousel of Progress and the second was subtitled Electric Boogaloo. Now that's progress.

Golan McGreevey. Think about it.

Sometimes the comments can be just as good or even better than the articles. Don't miss out on some high profile celebrity commentators like Hamburgler and John Kerry. It's strange that Mr. Kerry doesn't post as much anymore now that he's lost the election. He's probably out getting drunk with Al Gore.

T-Rexes can be sneaky when they want to be.

A Google search for Sweetie Guy Hutchinson lists as #6.

McDonalds still hasn't released the GrapeShake(TM). I can only assume this means Sweetie is still sitting on the patent.

There are lots of things "I'd buy that for a dollar" guy can buy but they're mostly bootleg toys from China. Or he could pay Mr. T to teach him the spirit of Christmas.

Gopher Cakes aren't real no matter how tasty they look.

Finally I will leave you with the most disturbing thing I managed to discover:

The real mastermind behind is Carl Fritztickle, who keeps a trio of gnomes, Sweetie, Guy and Hutchinson, locked in his basement and forces them to write articles in exchange for food and water.
Each gnome has it own distinct writing style. Hutchinson usually writes the fact filled Junks, the ones about the States, Presidents, or the Walk of Fame. Guy usually writes the more off the wall junks filled with weird conversations and odd references. Finally if the junk for the day isn't funny or interesting you can be sure Sweetie is to blame. For a while there was a fourth gnome, Bob, who was allowed
a bit more freedom in order to write the travel junks, like Christmas in Hershey. He eventually managed to escape during one of his excursions, which is a bit sad since we'll never get to read his Mardi Gras junk.

Ok, Mr. Fritztickle. I'm all finished. Can I have that half a slice of bread and thimble full of water now?

Thanks for the great read. This allowed me to take the day off to stand in line at the Chinese Theater dressed as Senator Jar Jar Binks. In case you are wondering, I am in line for the 2pm showing of "Monster In Law" starring J-Lo and Jane Fonda (whom I call J-Fo.)

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