Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Yahoo! reviews the UA Movies at Market Fair 10

Princeton New Jersey is famous for many things. It is home to one of the most famous learning institutions in the world, it was the home of President Grover Cleveland and it is home to the UA Movies at Market Fair 10.

It is a fairly ordinary movie theater located in a nice average shopping mall but that is not what Yahoo! would have you believe.

On December 30, 2004 a Yahoo user posted a review under the title "Poor Snacks". This caught my eye because "Poor Snacks" was my hip hop name back when I used to hang with the Wu Tang Clan.

A Yahoo! user is actually anyone who goes to the Yahoo! website and posts a review, so this isn't Yahoo!'s official position on the theater. This user gave the theater 2 stars.
Let's take a look at the review:

Poor Snacks
by A Yahoo! User from Pennington, NJ
The theaters are to small and it has horrible snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy and they are bad candies.

I don't know why, but this cracked me up. Perhaps it's that the author wrote "to small" instead of "too small", maybe it is the obsession to candy who knows.

As the hip hop master Poor Snacks I decided to pen a little rap about it.

Yo! The snacks are poor but I want more
Gimme some candy or show me the door
Don't waste my time with small theater hype
Just gimme candy- more than five types
But if your candy selection is limited and bad
you gonna make the mighty Poor Snacks mad
Then it's DANGER call the RANGER I'm full of ANGER
I'd rather stay home and watch "The Banger-
Sisters" starring Susan Sarandon
Then go to your theater, cause the candies is DONE!

Yeah, I still got skills.

Anyway, I am inclined to agree with the "to small" theater comment EVEN with the grammatical error. Most theaters have gone from nice big movie house to tiny screen multiplexes in the past 20 years or do. Still, the criticism of the snack situation makes me laugh.

I got a bigger laugh when a follow up review was posted by another Yahoo! user a month later. This one gave the theater a maximum rating of 5 stars and said the following:
Good Snacks
by A Yahoo! User from Pennington, NJ
The theaters are to big and it has good snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy but they are tasty candies.

I LOVE IT!!! A solid, dead on, parody that would make Weird Al Yankovic cringe with envy! Look at them side by side:

#1: The theaters are to small and it has horrible snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy and they are bad candies.
#2: The theaters are to big and it has good snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy but they are tasty candies.

About a month later a new review was posted reading:

Mediocre Snacks
by A Yahoo! User from Penningon, NJ
The theaters are just the right size and it has mediocre snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy but they are average candy.

This was a great sequel to the original parody. This time the user was from Penningon (rather than Pennington) I assume this was a typo since Penningon is actually not a town in New Jersey, rather a delicious pasta and steak dish.
This user gave the theater 3 stars out of five. Now the floodgates were open and silliness ensued.

The next review read:
Moist Snacks
by A Yahoo! User
The theaters are to damp and it has wet snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy but they are liquid covered candies.

Sure it's a bit bizarre and esoteric, but they managed to bring back the misuse of the word "to", that was refreshing!

On Valentine's Day another review followed:
Too dark
by A Yahoo! User
The theaters are dark, but not tooo dark and it has dark chockolate snacks, it only has like 5 types of dark chockolates but they are certainly dark enough. The theatre runs commedies, but only dark commedies.

There is a flash of brilliance in this review as well as the reviewer added an EXTRA 'o' to the word 'too' rather than dropping one. Way to think outside the box.

A few days later this one appeared:
No Snacks
by A Yahoo! User
The theaters to nice and it has some snacks, it has at least 5 types of candy but I am diabetic.

Then this one:
Lacks snacks
by A Yahoo! User from Pennington NJ
The theater is a good value but it has horrible snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy and they are bad candies.

Sadly the genre was becoming a bit old. Only the simple rhyming of the title makes this one interesting.
A day later this was posted:
Whack Snacks
by A Yahoo! User
The theaters are to dope, but it has whack snacks, it only has like 5 types of candy and they are ill candies.

I liked this one because it reminded me of my hip hop roots but still, the horse seemed dead and there seemed to be no reason to beat it.

However before the week was over the entire concept had been reevaluated:
Great Movie Place
by Omar from Tunisia
Cow not needed
I do not understand the nitpicky reviews others have given this movie place. I think the movie place is best. In my country we most sit in hot rooms and project movie onto white cow. People should be more happy with what they have. However, sometimes I would like white chocolate.

Thank you Omar, you have breathed life into a tired gag. God bless you.
The next review read:
I Like Grape Jelly
by A Yahoo! user
This is a good theater, it reminds me of grape jelly. Welch’s makes good grape jelly, but they do not make a good apple jelly. So I decided to make my own recipe:
Apple Jelly
4 cups apple juice (about 3 pounds tart apples and 3 cups water)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
3 cups sugar
To prepare juice: Select one-fourth slightly under ripe and three-fourths ripe apples. Wash apples; remove stem and blossom ends; do not peel or core. Cut apples into small pieces. Add water; cover ; bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat; simmer 20 to 25 minutes or until apples are soft. Strain juice through a damp jelly bag or several layers of cheese cloth.
To make jelly: Put apple juice in a large saucepot. Add lemon juice and sugar, stirring to dissolve sugar. Boil over high heat, stirring constantly, to 8 degrees F above the boiling point of water or until jelly mixture sheets from a spoon. Remove from heat. Skim foam if necessary. Ladle hot jelly into hot, sterilized jars, leaving 1/4th inch headspace. Adjust two-piece caps. process 5 minutes in a boiling water canner.
Yield: about 4 half-pints

Mysteriously this review VANISHED just a day later! What had happened? Had the reviewer rescinded the review? Did Yahoo! think someone was pulling their leg? Do the powerful forces at Welch’s block any attempt at someone getting a good jelly recipe to the public? I don't know.

What I do know is that a review appeared a few days later:
Where is Brooke Shields
by A Yahoo! User from Princeton, NJ
I heard Brooke Shields went to Princeton. I went to this theater and I didn't see her! That was a bummer. I only go out like five times a year and that was a bad time. But I liked the candy.

Then this one:
Bocados pobres
by A Yahoo! User from Hopewell, NJ
Los teatros están a pequeño y tiene bocados horribles, tiene solamente como 5 tipos de caramelo y son malos caramelos.

This was basically the original "Poor Snacks" review translated to Spanish.

The next review was:
Chairs Too Comfortable
by Paul Dennis from Trenton
I am writing to complain about the chairs in this theater. They are far too comfortable. I was with my girlfriend watching Oceans Eleven for the 23rd time (or was it the 24th time? I lost count after 15) and I found myself getting very drousy. At first I thought it was the pork chops and apple pie I ate before coming to the film but then I realized it had to be something else. Once I was in Greece and I met this guy who told me that.... Im sorry; I'm getting off the subject. Back to the complaint. Well, Im watching Oceans Eleven; you know, the part where Russell Crowe is fighting that guy with the nunchucks in the Arena. By the way, he totally didn't impress me in that role. The sword he was using in the movie was actually from a different historical time period and his belt was not made of real camel skin. Everyone knows that Gladiator's belts are made of real camel skin. So, I'm sitting in the movie and this guy in front of my starts whispering to his kid. He's like telling his kid the whole plot of the movie. So I lean over and say..."excuse me sir; there are other people trying to watch this movie". He turns around and says... Oh, I apologize, I'll try to keep it down". Can you believe that guy? Some people have real nerve!!!!! By the way; you guys only have like 5 snacks and no sugar daddys.


Then this one appeared:
Hungry Hungry Hippos!!
by Zeus McGillapuddin from Vernfield Village, Alabamasville, Texastown, Virginiasberg, Detroit
Did you ever have the feeling you were being watched? I have a feeling that movies feel that way a lot. I have had the pleasure of watching 4 quality productions at this facility and am quite please with the service. The persons at the counter are very friendly and the carpets are red. You could cook on the bathroom floors.... they are that clean! I made bacon and french toast in there last time I went to see a movie. I would probably give this theater a rating of 3 out of 4. Generally I give a 6 but Brook Sheilds wasn't there and they only had like 5 candies.

Great call backs to some of the earlier reviews and a mention of the "like 5 candies" I give this review 5 stars!

The most recent review is as follows:
Theatre or theater
by Sir Heman Thurmond from Princeton NJ
I have heard some people call this a "movie theater" it is not! It is a "film theater". The difference should be obvious to anyone born in Princeton. I had an excellent time at this theater (watching a FILM by the way) and I liked the experience. I also found the popcorn to be a bit "null and void" if you will, but by and by it was all spendiferous! Touchee good man, touchee!

Touchee indeed.

You can read all the reviews or post you own by clicking here.

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