Time to throw the old horsehide. Draw the chalk lines. Swing the ol’ Louisville Slugger. These expressions are used to describe two major events popular with men everywhere: the baseball season and murdering one’s mother-in-law. Today, let’s stick to baseball.
What follows is a quiz. The quiz is not designed to actually test your knowledge of baseball. It has been designed simply to allow me to write short sentences with lots of space between them to give the reader the illusion that they read more than I have actually written.
1) What happens at the end of the famous poem “Casey at the Bat”?
a. Casey strikes out
b. Casey hits a homerun
c. Casey becomes addicted to opium and runs away with the daughter of a Chinese railroad worker.
2) What is the “Cy Young Award” named for?
a. A famous baseball pitcher
b. A brand of baseball
c. The words that appeared on Connie Mack’s typewriter after a drunken Babe Ruth slept on it
3) Which of the following cities does NOT have a Major League team?
a. Las Vegas
c. Pittsburgh, Milwaukee and Kansas City (come on, admit it)
4) What does “RBI” mean?
a. Run batted in
b. Running the bases inside
c. Ruth Buzzi In the hizzi!
5) George W. Bush was once was part owner of a Major League Baseball team. Which one?
a. The Texas Rangers
b. The San Diego Padres
c. The Texis Rungers (Get it? Because he’s supposed to be stupid and thus may have misspelled the name of his OWN team! Har dee har har!)
6) Which President did not own a professional baseball team?
a. Warren G. Harding (part owner of a minor league team in Ohio)
b. Bob President (not a U.S. President, just a guy with the LAST NAME President)
c. George Bush – but he was too stupid to realize he owned it because he is not smart! Har dee har har! (Sorry, I have been stealing my jokes from The Tonight Show lately)
7) Sparky Anderson is the name of:
a. An outstanding baseball manager with three World Series wins to his name
b. One of ‘The Little Rascals’
c. Paris Hilton’s dog
8) Shea Stadium, home of the NY Mets, is named for:
a. William Shea, the famous attorney
b. The anagram “Seats Have Extra Ass-room”
c. That’s an acronym, not an anagram, you idiot
9) Actor Paul Giamatti is the son of former Baseball Commissioner Bart Giamatti:
c. Let me apologize for using the word “ass” among the answers for the last question. It is a rather crass word and one I try not to use on this site. Still, after weighing the potential comedy in that answer I decided it was worth it.
Also, let me apologize for the two answers that mocked the President of the United States. It is clearly in poor taste to do so. I thought that adding the “har dee har har” it would make the line work two ways; as a joke mocking the President and mocking those who mock the President. Instead it just made me sound like a dork.
10. Which of the following was NEVER the name of the St. Louis Cardinals Franchise?
a. The St. Louis Can opener salesmen
b. The St. Louis Brown Stockings
c. The St. Louis Perfectos
SCORING: The correct answer was “a.” for all 10 questions. If you answered anything else, just lie about it.