Raoul Walsh

Multiple times I have seen tourists step on this slab and say "Oh look! It's Raquel Welsh."
Some of them are young and have not heard of Raoul. Others are old and somewhat blind.
All of them are missing out.
Sure, Raquel is awesome. Hot, hot hot. But let's give Raoul his due.
Raoul was a talented star of many westerns and dramas back in the earlier days of cinema. He stood out because of one unique trait. His eye patch.
A car accident blinded him in one eye and he wore the patch for the rest of his life.
Raoul put his mark in the cement way back in 1930. Back then a loaf of bread cost one cent, a gallon of milk cost one cent, and a stick of gum cost one cent. The really ripped you off if you needed gum, didn't they!
Anyway, Raoul did the usual hand a footprints, but then he stuck his fist into the cement. He labeled his fist "his mark."
We are lucky to still have his mark in front of the Chinese.

Howie

Oh Howie, he's flying home and he sees other sources of pollution.
This is more than just a page to color, we get to circle things. Uh oh. It appears they are ALREADY circled!

What a ripoff.

I hate Howie. I hate him and his lying page. My hatred for him is so great that soon I may hate Howie Long.

As for Howie Mandel, I ALREADY hate him, but I try not to admit it too often. He looks like a psycho with his head shaved and the goatee. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am scared of him.

Dr. Foo-Ling-U

When strolling around Walt Disney World's Epcot Center (I refuse to call it just 'Epcot') I saw a small stand set up right outside the China pavilion. They were selling all kinds of Chinese toys and games for children.

Perched right out in front was THIS guy:

This is one of the coolest looking puppets I have ever seen for sale. His name is Dr. Foo-Ling-U.

Get it? Dr. Foo-Ling-U? Don't get it? Say it out loud. Doctor fooling you! Man, I bet you feel fooled. You have been fooled by Dr. Foo-Ling-U.

What does the good doctor hold his medical degree in? I bet he's a doctor of Racial Stereotypes.

I decided to re-name my puppet. I also plan to go to the craft shop and buy him new clothes. (LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE JUST WITNESSED THE GAYEST SENTENCE EVER!)

I call him Levi Lumbago.

I am relatively good ventriloquist. I can make the mouth move in time with the words I speak and I am pretty good at making the puppet pantomime. Plus I can do funny voices.

I am not that great at the whole "throwing my voice" thing but neither was Jim Henson or Edgar Bergen.

I am now going to perform a routine for you. Sadly you will have to read it and imagine that it looks fantastic. Imagine the sexist male voice you can for me. For the doctor, skip the offensive Asian voice and just imagine a whiny old man.

SWEETIE: Hey how you doing today?
LEVI: You got some nerve asking me how I'm doing. Why, when I was your age... uh...
SWEETIE: What?
LEVI: When I was your age... uh... come to think of it, I never was your age.
SWEETIE: How could that be?
LEVI: Rationing. It was during the war, you know. Whoa, what are you doing with your hand!
SWEETIE: Don't look back there.
LEVI: Holy Ida Lupino you stuck your hand up my... uh... good gravy that can't be sanitary. I hope you washed your hands.
SWEETIE: I did.
LEVI: You kids today with your hand washin'! I didn't wash my hands for the first 18 years I was on this planet. You know why?
SWEETIE & LEVI: Rationing!

THE END

The Simpson's House

It seems every year some company comes up with a contest so weird that everyone takes notice.

WIN THE BATMOBILE! WIN YOUR OWN TOWN IN TEXAS! WIN A PINK HOUSE PAINTED BY JOHN COUGAR MELLONCAMP! WIN YOUR WEIGHT IN NEWBORN BABIES!

Perhaps the weirdest such contest was "Win the Simpson's House!" I wish they had done "Spend the Night with a Woman in a Marge Costume" or "Have Yourself Surgically Altered to Look like Bart." I am sure someone would have done it.

Anyway, in 1997 The Fox network decided to give away the house that Homer and Marge share with their kids on the successful animated series.

Since the show is a cartoon they had to build the house.

The architects studied episodes of the show and came up with a plan for a house that would look as close to the real thing as possible. Some changes had to be made since it had to meet safety code regulations.

I suppose you can't just wave your hand at the safety inspector and say "safety schmafety." This is a shame, because it's the only way I know to deal with authority figures.


The winner of the contest was a 63-year-old great-grandmother from Kentucky. The house was built in Henderson, Nevada (just minutes from Las Vegas) and was said to be worth about $100,000. The house had four bedrooms and 25 different colors of paint.

It also was filled with every knick knack, painting, Duff can and furniture piece that appears in the show. The amount of effort that went into getting every detail correct is astonishing.

It is easily the ugliest house ever built.

Simpson's creator Matt Groening toured the house before it was given away and he signed the cement, leaving his handprints and a cartoon of Homer. This made the house like Grauman's Chinese Theater (if Grauman's Chinese Theater only had the prints of a guy who made a TV show and most people wouldn't recognize if he tried to sell them a hot dog.)

The house even came complete with Bart's tree house in the backyard, an oil stain in the driveway and three mouse holes.

Homer's car came parked in the driveway.

Unfortunately after the contest the owner did what most people would do: had the house painted and removed all of the Simpson's stuff.

The house is located at 712 Red Bark Lane.

A Stupid Lord of the Rings Game

Sure, I know Lord of the Rings isn't topical anymore. After an amazing onslaught over the period of a just a few years the "mania" has died down. Much like other manias that have come before it, it has left some traces behind.

Macarena-mania may have screeched to a halt but I defy anyone to go to listen to watch children's television without hearing at least a few notes of the tune. And yes, Hulk-a-mania is not what it once was but I still see red and yellow bandanas when I look in my sock drawer.

So, although the Lord of the Rings saga has come to a close, there are still some pieces of it that have been left behind.

Such as the Lord of the Rings game on my cell phone.

This isn't something I downloaded; it's on the phone's internet browser. Every time I get movie times I see it. So, after YEARS of skipping over it curiosity got the best of me, and I clicked on it. This is where I found "Ask Gandalf."

At first I laughed hysterically because I thought that Gandalf was the little green guy. Then I remembered that was the Golum. Or maybe that was Shrek. Either way, Gandalf is one of the old guys in the movie.

This really isn't a game. It's sort of like a Magic 8-Ball but less magical and you can't get drunk by breaking it open and drinking that blue colored liquid.

You are supposed to ask a question out loud and then hit a button on the phone for Gandalf's response. I didn't really have any questions for him so instead I just read some question that David Letterman asked George Michael in a 1998 interview. I have provided them below, along with Gandalf's answers and my analysis.

David: Nice to have you on the show. This is your first time on the show, it's not your first time on the show is it?

Gandalf: I am not certain so I will say no more.

ANALYSIS: Gandalf may seem to be playing coy, but the fact is that Letterman's show has been forgettable since the mid 1990s. I think I may have been a musical guest at some point, but I don't really remember. Or care.
GRADE: B+
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: If Gandalf HAD been on the show before, what did he do? I am willing to bet that he let Dave try on his funny hat.


David: It was about a year ago you were arrested in CA. Is all that been all straightened out now?

Gandalf: There is a last test to make, but I no longer doubt my guess.

ANALYSIS: Yes, Gandalf must be tested on his ability to be straightened out after being arrested.
GRADE: 4th
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: They remade the TV series "Flipper" into a movie that starred Paul Hogan. I remember a scene where he had a room full of Spaghettios. I don't remember why.

David: Right. So what exactly happened?

Gandalf: Haven't you been listening to all that I have said?

ANALYSIS: Gandalf is a cranky old bastard.
GRADE: Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Why did they make a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards? Who really wanted to see that? Who even saw the first one? Who played Frankie Figs? Was that Ving Rhames or Michael Clarke Duncan? I get them confused.

Well, with Gandalf being so irritable I will just shut off the phone and try to forget that George Michael was ever on Letterman.

Gandalf: You will be a fool if you do.

Me: Don't worry, I am already a fool.

Mr. T Salt and Pepper Shakers

I have a HUGE collection of Mr. T stuff. So much so that my entire living room has wall to wall Mr. T. Plus I have LITERALLY thousands of other items stored away.

So, I tend to be very picky when shopping for Mr. T items.

I like to get things that are important in some way. I want things worn by Mr. T or used in the production of a Mr. T show or comic book.

Most importantly I stay away from the un-authorized items. I like to make sure Mr. T gets a cut or else I don't want to buy it.

Here is one of the reasons why:

This is a Mr. T salt and pepper set. Homemade, but the craftsmanship appears very good... at first glance.

By glance, I mean GLANCE. Real quickly look and then turn away. Pretend you heard a girl running down the street naked. (If you can't HEAR the difference between 'nudity' and 'clothed' I refuse to call you a man.)

So, if you only GLANCE, they look great. Stare at them and... uh... they get a little worse.

Hold one and, lets face it, they are awful. And don't think about ACTUALLY using them.

The "regular" Mr. T is for pepper, and the... uh... lighter one is for salt.

Maybe I am being silly, but I didn't think it was necessary to change the man's RACE just to show the difference. Couldn't one wear black and the other wear white? Unless you use them after Labor Day THAT may be acceptable.

In addition to the bizarre color scheme there is a much bigger problem:

THEY DON'T WORK!!!!

Salt doesn't stay in the bottom because the cork is too small; conversely pepper is apparently too big to fit through the top.

I can only assume that Mr. T pities these seasoning shakers. You should too.