My Cheap Junk Machine

As children we make promises to ourselves. We want to "be an astronaut" one day. Or we say we will NEVER "take a bath" when we grow up.

As we get older we see how much friggin' work it is to join NASA and we develop better hygiene.

I promised myself a whole lot when I was a kid. So, I decided to grant Lil Sweetie one of his wishes.

When I was a kid about 10 minutes of every grocery store visit was spent checking out the "cheap junk" machines. You know, the dime machines that dispensed cheap little toys that would only keep your attention for the car ride home.

I would look at those machines from every side. I wanted to see the prizes I could get when I finally stuck my dime in.

More often than not, I was disappointed with what I got. It was almost always some girls ring. The best I could do with it was pretend it was some kind of super handcuffs that Cobra developed to keep G.I. Joe locked up.

As cool as that sounds, I wanted more. I wanted one of the good toys I saw in the machine. But, Mom's rule was usually one dime per visit.

So, I promised myself that when I was grown up I would buy my own machine.

And I did.



Look at that majestic beauty! I bought it online from a vending machine company and it is fantastic. Sadly, they didn't have any that took dimes, so I opted for the quarter machine.

Still, it holds the little dime prizes. I was able to get a few bags of those online as well. They have everything from mood rings and plastic spiders to little pencil erasers shaped like police cars.

And it's in my living room.

I'm living the dream.

I even designed my own "product card"

The Mayor of... Disneyland

Kimberly Williamson Butler wants to be Mayor of New Orleans.

Like all good candidates she set up a website. Take a look:



For some reason, the web designer chose not to put a photo of New Orleans on the front page, but rather, New Orleans Square in Disneyland.

How do I know?

Because someone else pointed it out to me. But besides that, lets take a look at the photo.

First, take a look at the trash can.

It looks EXACTLY like a Disneyland New Orleans Square trash can:


Second, take a look at the people. A man and his lady casually walk down the middle of the street wearing a fruity Hawaiian shirt.

No worries that a car might come around that blind corner in front of them and flatten them like a pancake.

A pancake with no sense of style.

Third, here is another picture of the same spot in Disneyland:


It's Disneyland, baby.

Vote for Kim.

UPDATE:
Well, Kim lost. Not sure who she lost to but she ain't mayor.

Still, she did bring a whole lot of attention to an area that really needed some attention. So, like Kimberly Williamson Butler I want to help the good people of New Orleans.

I didn't have any money to donate since I lost that all betting on the MLB All Star Game (damn you, American League!) and the Superbowl (damn you, Seattle Seahawks!) and Jose Vijiste double homicide trial (damn you, motion to declare a mistrial due to a deadlocked jury.)

But I did have tourism dollars (OK, so I guess I could donate. But I'm selfish.)

Either way, I packed my bags and headed to New Orleans.



I had a blast. I ate at the Blue Bayou, rode Pirates of the Caribbean and even pointed a few people in the direction of the nearest rest room.

Why do people always ask for the "nearest rest room?" Do they assume that I would have told them where the furthest rest room is if they didn't specify?

DUDE: Do you know where I can find a rest room?
ME: Sure! My friend John has 3 in his parent's house. I recommend the one off the master bedroom. His dad always has great magazines, wink wink.
DUDE: Is that the nearest rest room?
ME: Oh hell no! That's a 6 hour flight from here. The nearest rest room is right behind me.

You know, now I am starting to question calling it a "rest room" in the first place. You don't actually REST in there.

Well, regardless they all thanked me for pointing them in the right direction.

And I thank Kimberly Williamson Butler, for pointing ME in the right direction.

The Fake Disneyland

In 1961 a theme park was built just outside of Nara, Japan. The park used Disneyland as a model.

When I say "used Disneyland as a model" I don't mean they tried to make a SIMILAR park.

I mean that they just ripped it off.

You know when someone Xeroxes a photo, and then you make a Xerox of that Xerox?

That's how this park looks. Although it looks like that was done with a really bad Xerox machine...

...and the guy Xeroxing it was missing a few fingers.

Upon arrival guests of Dreamland are greeted with a familiar looking train station:

The resemblance is astonishing. Urban legends abound that Walt Disney was so upset by this park that he refused to build in Japan for the rest of his life.

The park has a few popular roller coasters inside, but also many rides that are a mirror image of Disneyland rides (assuming that the mirror you are using is one of those mirrors with a painting of some 70s rock band on it that your older brother won at a church carnival.)

Some of the rides that are/were at Dreamland over the years include a "jungle cruise" ride, a "submarine voyage" and a Matterhorn mountain:

The Matterhorn is one of the coolest rides at Disneyland and one of only a handful that has not been replicated in another "Disney" park.

It has been replicated in Dreamland.

They also have a monorail. Looking at the monorail seems to confirm the rumors that Dreamland is a dump. The monorail sports a thin coat of yellow paint and a thicker coat of filth.

Some older brochures seem to indicate that Dreamland was pretty nice looking back in 1961, but seems to have been neglected in more recent years.

Wouldn't it be cool if Donald Duck had created this as a "bizzaro Disneyland" so he could compete with his rival Mickey Mouse?

I wonder if the citizens of Nara ever visit Anaheim and say "Hey! This is a pale imitation of Dreamland." Of course, if they did they would do it in Japanese and I wouldn't understand them.

In fact, I might think they were saying "Hey! Coy and Vance were a pale imitation of Bo and Luke."

The Galactic Gobbler

Millions of people visit Disney theme parks every year for many different reasons.

Some come for amusement park thrills. Other come to spend time with family. Others go because of contractual obligations regarding the outcome of the Superbowl.

I go for the Galactic Gobbler.

I know, most of you probably don't know what a "Galactic Gobbler" is.

Is it some kind of space rock?

Could it be that guy in the turkey costume that emerged from an egg at the WWF's Survivor Series ten years ago?

Is it the ACTUAL species clarification of McDonald's Grimace?

No, no and no.

It's a turkey leg.

Turkey legs are pretty common at the Disney parks. They are over-sized, salty and provide you with more meat than your average pet store dumpster.

The turkey legs are usually sold at carts throughout the park. Frontierland is a pretty good place to find one in the Magic Kingdom or Disneyland Park, but they have them somewhere at most Disney parks.

The Galactic Gobbler is the best of the bunch, however. It is available at the Launching Pad counter in Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom.

Yup, you gotta go to Tomorrowland to eat a hunk of turkey that makes you look like Fred Flintstone.

I get one every single time I travel to Tomorrowland.


But why do they call them Galactic Gobblers?

I needed to find out.

After scrambling the letters for 74 straight hours I realized that, if rearranged, they spell "Bobcat Cellar gig."

Hmmmmm.

An extensive phone book search revealed two comedy clubs with the name "The Comedy Cellar."

I called both.

One, in Denver Colorado, did not hang up on me.

The lady who answered the phone there confirmed my suspicion:

Bobcat Goldwaith once had a show there.

Yup, he had a "Cellar gig."

The lady on the phone did not remember if his routine mentioned "turkey legs."

However, subsequent calls to Disney were met with a "how did you get this phone number?"

So I tried calling Bobcat Goldwaith. His number was unlisted, so I called up Carrot Top. We talked about turkey legs until the sun went down.

It was the worst night of my life.

The Mr. T Cow

Back in 2000 New York City was overrun with cows. Not real cows, but full size fiberglass ones that were painted in big silly colors.

There were a whole lot of good ones: a Spiderman cow, a cow painted like a taxi cab and a Mr. T cow.



Created by artist Ann Yzuel, the cow was an obvious ploy to get people to constantly ask her "Hey, didn't you make a Mr. T cow?"

It sounds annoying, but it can't be as bad as hearing "Is that REALLY how you spell your last name?"

The cow was sponsored by TV Land and was called "The Hay Team."

Get it? Cows eat HAY! Mr. T was on the A-Team? Get it?

Anyway, I do know that Mr. T was on hand for the re-dedication of the cow (it had been damaged and repaired) in mid-June 2000. I also know that the cow went on sale at Amazon.com's auctions for $1000 after the "Cow Parade" was finished.

The cow (and dozens of others) did not sell on the first attempt. I don't know if it ever did.

I personally wanted to buy it and the one thousand dollar price tag seemed low enough for a giant cow.

Still, I have no idea where I could have put a giant cow that weighed as much as a small car.

Maybe Bart Simpson was right when he cautioned people not to "have a cow."

They are just too much trouble.

bunchojunk.com's THIRD anniversary extravaganza

Welcome to the THIRD year anniversary of "junk" on the web. To celebrate we have some special features all week (kinda like last year.) My how time flies!

YEAR THREE OF BUNCHOJUNK.COM BY THE NUMBERS:
Number of words: 14
Number of articles: 216902
Times the words “Hulk Hogan wishes he had a full head of hair” appeared: 17,788
Times the words "festering boil” appeared: 211
Number of poems about a festering boil: 1
Number of times I mentioned that "Full House" & "Dukes of Hazard" have an "Uncle Fester": 2
Number of times I wished his name was "Uncle Festering Boil": 2





























Make sure to check back tommorow. I will be posting comments all week.

Thanks again for stopping by for the past year!

Be sure to sign the guest book (post a comment.)

Posted on April 1, 2006