Saturday, June 11, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 7

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.


Part 7 baby! That means there were 6 before this! The next one will be 8.

John Bowers MP

John Bowers was a star in the silent days. Starting in 1916 he began appearing on the screen. He appeared in just under 100 films until the early 1930s. He was not able to make the transition to talking pictures and in 1936 (5 years after his last film) he killed himself.
His suicide was a bit bizarre. He rowed out to the middle of the ocean and drowned himself.
I know it's a downer, but with him out of the way we can move on to happier tales of Hollywood.

Major Bowers Radio

These names were taken from the Hollywood Walk of Fame's own site. The site is full of misspelled names and other mistakes. Major Bowers is such a mistake. His name was Major Bowes. I was going to contact the website but I hear that the entire staff committed suicide by drowning.
Anyway, Major Bowes hosted Major Bowes' Original Amateur Hour on CBS radio from 1934 to 1946.
That show inspired many shows such as American Idol and The Gong Show - in fact, Bowes used to gong people that performed badly! They then gonged contestants on The Gong Show. On American Idol, however, rather than being gonged they get yelled out by Simon Cowell or they get to sleep with Paula Abdul. She gonged contestant Corey Clark. I wonder how many times I can fit "gonged" into this article. Maybe 2 or 3 more times. Probably more if I drop the running gag about people committing suicide.

David Bowie Rec
Popular musician, recorded many hit songs including "Changes". Bowie starred in the film "The Man that Fell to Earth." Imagine if he fell to earth, but since earth is 82% water he landed in the water and drowned. Then Major Bowes gonged him.

Bill Boyd Radio

A very successful singing cowboy on the radio in the 1920s.

Jimmy Boyd Rec

Boyd is most famous for his song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".

William Boyd MP

Not to be confused with fellow "cowboy" Bill Boyd, William was the star of many movies and is best known for playing Hopalong Cassidy.

Charles Boyer MP
Charles Boyer TV

Pronounced boy-yay, Boyer appeared in films from the 1920s to the 1970s. Among the many popular films he appeared in was the James Bond spoof Casino Royale.
He also hosted a TV show called "Charles Boyer Theater". Boyer committed suicide two days after the death of his wife. Neither death involved drowning.

Eddie Bracken TV
Eddie Bracken Radio

Star of many comedies from the 1950s including Hold that Blonde and Were Not Married!. Bracken's career continued through the 1990s. One of his most popular latter roles was Roy Walley (of Walley World) in National Lampoon's Vacation.

Ray Bradbury MP

A successful science fiction author, Bradbury has written for the "Twilight Zone" as well as movies like Fahrenheit 451 and Moby Dick.

Ed M. Bradley Mayor

I'm stumped by this one. He is listed under 'Live Theater' but has the word 'Mayor' written after his name. All searches for a Mayor Ed Bradley comes up blank. I will continue the search and I will update this in the future. Perhaps I should start a new series just on Ed M. Bradley Mayor called "REALLY unknown on the Walk of fame."

Terry Bradshaw TV

Former member of the Steelers football team, Bradshaw has been a popular sports commentator since his retirement.

Alice Brady MP

Academy award nominee for the film My Man Godfrey. Alice appeared in 79 films between 1914 and 1939.

Marlon Brando MP

Acclaimed star of such films as The Godfather and Streetcar Named Desire.

Tom Breneman Radio

Host of a very popular radio show called Breakfast in Hollywood. It was the 1940s version of Live with Regis and Kelly.

Walter Brennan MP

One of the most successful character actors of all time. Featured in films as diverse as Sergeant York, Rio Grande and The Pride of the Yankees.

Evelyn Brent MP

Star of over 100 films including Westward Ho and Jungle Jim. Evelyn's career spanned from 1915 to 1953.

George Brent MP
George Brent TV

Brent was a star of the big and small screen for almost 50 years. One of his most popular films was Jezebel.

Teresa Brewer Rec

Dixieland music star known for such hits as Bye Bye Baby goodbye.

David Brian TV

Popular film and character actor. Often cast in westerns, David was a guest star on many popular shows. He also starred in the TV series "Mr. District Attorney".

Mary Brian MP

Her first role was that of Wendy in the 1924 version of Peter Pan. Her last was as a guest on "This Is Your Life". In between she did over 70 films, many of which sounded like the titles of famous TV shows: Two's Company (1936), Dragnet (1947), Homicide Squad (1931) and Gun Smoke (1931).

Mark & Brian Radio

Syndicated radio duo and (briefly) stars of their own 1991 sitcom. They can be heard today on KLOS in Los Angeles.

Fanny Brice MP
Fanny Brice Radio

Famous comedienne who successfully made the jump from radio to movies. Her claim to fame on radio was the show "Baby Snooks". On the film (and on Broadway) it was Ziegfeld Follies.

Beau Bridges TV

Son of Lloyd Bridges, star of The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Jeff Bridges MP

Also Lloyd Bridges' son, star of many films including Blown Away and The Contender.

Lloyd Bridges TV

Legendary film and TV actor star of the Sea Hunt TV series. Bridges was also adept at comedy Appearing in Airplane and Hot Shots.
Ray Briem Radio

Radio talk show host in Los Angeles, Ray was at the prime of his career in the late 70s and early 80s.

Bernie Brillstein TV

Executive producer of many TV shows and movies including ALF, The Cable Guy, News Radio and Happy Gilmore.

And many more to come.

UPDATE:
Due to the mystery of Ed M. Bradley and the many typos on the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce website I decided to send them the following email:
Hello,
I just wanted to let you know I found a few typos on your website:

St. John Adela: This is actress Adela St. John. She is listed
alphabetically under her first name, not her last.
St. John Al: This is actor Al St. John. His name is also out of order.
Edward Arnold Rec: This was a TV and Film actor. I believe his star is in
television, not recorded music.
Agnes Ayers MP: Name should be spelled "Ayres"
Cont Basie Rec: Should be Count Basie.
Noah Jr. Berry: Should be Noah Beery Jr.
Major Bowers Radio: Should be Major Bowes.
Ika Chase: Should read Ilka Chase

In addition I found the following under "Live Theater":Ed M. Bradley Mayor
Could you tell me who this is?

Thank you,
Guy Hutchinson


In response I received the following email:
Mr. Hutchinson,

Thanks for finding those errors. We will fix them immediately. The one for Mayor Tom Bradley will be removed because it is not a Walk of Fame star. It is a different type of star found on private property.


Well, there is the answer. Not only is his name not ED, but it is not a Walk of Fame star! I will have to look for it.

Tom Bradley was an immensely popular mayor of Los Angeles for 5 terms beginning in 1973. Tom's signature is on a special block at Grauman's Chinese Theater containing a time capsule from 1977.

As for the other mistakes, I checked today and many of them were fixed. I am happy to see they did this. When people send me emails about my typos I usually sign their emails up on every spam list I can find.

Hmmm, that's interesting, I just got ten emails from the Online Gay Orthodontist webring! Oh drat!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 6

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.


This task seems never-ending. The B's seem insurmountable! I'm not sure if I should write B's or Bs. I prefer B's because Bs looks too much like B.S. Of course B's looks a little like the head of a drunken guy wearing glasses lying on his side.

Joan Blondell MP

Voluptuous blonde actress who starred in over 100 films from The Public Enemy in 1931 and Grease in 1978.

Monte Blue MP

Leading man from the days of silent films. In addition to silent films, he appeared in many talkies including Key Largo. I nominate Monte Blue for coolest name of all time.

Ann Blyth MP

Nominee for best Actress in a Supporting Role for Mildred Pierce (1945). She has a pleasant singing voice.

Betty Blythe MP

Betty was a star in silent films, but did not experience the same success in sound pictures. Still she continued working with small parts in everything from Abbott and Costello go to Hollywood and My Fair Lady.

Eleanor Boardman MP

Eleanor made 33 films from 1922-1935. Some titles included Sinners in Silk, Proud Flesh and Exchange of Wives all titles that sound like soft porn.

Humphrey Bogart MP

Legendary film star who starred in such films as Casablanca.

Mary Boland MP

Actress in 53 films including 1940's Pride and Prejudice.

John Boles MP

Actor in many films including the classic 1931 film Frankenstein.

Richard Boleslawski MP

Polish born actor who often wrote about the art of acting. I thought he had a cool name until I ran a spell check on his last name and they suggested I change it to “coleslaw”.

Ray Bolger MP
Ray Bolger TV

Vaudeville star best known for his part as the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. In addition to a star for motion pictures, Bolger has a star for TV. On the tube he starred in his own sitcom called "Where's Raymond?"
I hope they found him in the final episode. Maybe it was like that episode of “All in the Family” where everyone was looking for Archie, but he had just gotten drunk with his lodge buddies and slept in a hotel. Or it could have been like that movie Don't Say a Word where Britney Murphy played a crazy girl who helped Michael Douglas find his missing kid.
Of course, I think that kid had been killed. Or, maybe she found him alive. I don’t remember. I just remember that part when she kept saying “I’ll never tell, I’ll never tell.”
I think crazy chicks are hot.

Michael Bolton Rec

Easy listening musician known for such songs as "Said I Loved You...But I Lied" and "Can I Touch You... There".
Bolton actually started his career as a performer in the 1970s heavy metal band Black Jack.

Ford Bond Radio

Radio announcer from the golden age. Ford was also Dwight D. Eisenhower's radio and TV consultant. Hmmm, I think Ford Bond tops Monte Blue in the cool name competition. Sorry Monte.

Ward Bond TV

Star of TV's Wagon Train. Ward also played Bert the cop in It's a Wonderful Life. Ward Bond? Is that cooler than Ford Bond? Bond, Ward Bond. No, I prefer Ford. He reminds me of the epitome of cool, Ford Fairlane.

Beulah Bondi MP

Also appeared in It's a Wonderful Life as Jimmy Stewart's mother. She also played Jimmy Stewart's mom in three other films.

Pat Boone Rec
Pat Boone TV

Famed musician who often performed on the Tonight Show.

Shirley Booth MP

Star of the TV show Hazel. Shirley also appeared in movies such as Hot Spell and Come Back Little Sheba.

Olive Borden MP

One of the most beautiful women of the silent film era. Olive had trouble getting roles in the 40s and died destitute.

Ernest Borgnine MP

Popular film actor who is still working today. Ernest has appeared in The Dirty Dozen, The Poseidon Adventure and BASEketball.

Frank Borzage MP

Two time Academy Award winning director, one of his most popular films was A Farewell to Arms.

Hobart Bosworth MP

A film pioneer, Bosworth worked in virtually every aspect of motion pictures. Among his credits is the only "Little Rascals" feature film General Spanky.

Clara Bow MP

Star of 58 films, mostly during the silent era. Clara Bow was the original "It Girl". Clara starred in the 1927 film It. People then started to refer to her as the It Girl.

Oh the B's keep on coming! Yikes!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Mocking the List: Top 25 Partners of the Green Power Partnership

Whew. Did you ever have an idea that seemed so good in your head, but it came together it did not turn out that good?? You know like New Coke, Woodstock 94 or Spiderman 2. I assume that you didn't have any of those ideas; I just thought they were good examples. If you did have those ideas, SHAME ON YOU.

Anyway, today I decided to do the opposite. I had an awful idea for a column and I decided to go forward with it hoping that this would have an equal and opposite reaction to the GOOD idea gone wrong.

Here is what I am doing: I am taking a list I found on the EPA website that has zero comedy possibilities. Then, I am having The Incredible Hulk review it with me. You may remember the Hulk helped review a book called "Show and Tell" a while back.

HULK: Arrrgh Hulk not know what he doing here! Hulk need answers!

SWEETIE: I thought since it is called the "Green Power Partnership" you should be involved.

HULK: 'Partnership'?!?! How Sweetie find out about Hulk's life partner? Who told him that Hulk and Solomon Grundy share an apartment in the Village!

SWEETIE: Uh... no, I thought 'green' and 'power' were the words that connected you to the list.

HULK: Grrrr! Hulk understand better. It is because of Hulk's skin color you want to talk to him. Hulk sees things clearly now. Sweetie is racist against green people. Why Sweetie not call Jolly Green Giant?

SWEETIE: Anyway, the list includes organizations "whose annual green power purchase is the largest, and whose green power purchase has been completed."

HULK: Hulk think list is boring already. Hulk rather do a list of people who use "Punky Power" like on Mork from Ork.

SWEETIE: That was Punky Brewster.

HULK: Hulk stands corrected. Arrrggh. Proceed.

1. U.S. Air Force


HULK: Way to screw up the whole bit, Sweetie. You did number ONE first? Why didn't we count them down?

SWEETIE: Why aren't you speaking like the Hulk anymore?

HULK: Ooops. My bad. I mean Hulk bad! Grrrrgh!

SWEETIE: So the Air Force tops the list. Way to go Air Force.

HULK: Remember in 2003 movie Hulk when I was on top of Air Force jet? Then the pilot flew to outer space and then I jumped off.

SWEETIE: Yeah.

HULK: That was cool.

2. Johnson & Johnson


SWEETIE: Johnson & Johnson, makers of fine products, use Green Power for 24% of their manufacturing.

HULK: They make the "No More Tears" shampoo. Hulk no use that. He use "Lots More Tears" shampoo.

SWEETIE: Who makes that?

HULK: Hulk was making joke.

SWEETIE: Oh yeah? That was pretty funny.

HULK: Don't patronize Hulk.

3. U.S. Environmental Protection Agency


SWEETIE: So the EPA is number three on their own list. You would think they would be number one.

HULK: Slackers. Grrrr!

4. The World Bank

5. U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2

6. Whole Foods Market


SWEETIE: Ohhh! I love Whole Foods!

HULK: Ohhh! I love U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2.

SWEETIE: Hulk, do you REALLY love U.S. General Services Administration / Region 2 or are you just saying that because I said I loved Whole Foods?

HULK: Keep list moving, Sweetie. Hulk has a dentist appointment later.

7. City of San Diego, CA

8. New Jersey Consolidated Energy Savings Program

9. WhiteWave Foods

10. Austin (TX) Independent School District

11. Staples


SWEETIE: But what if the Staples location is in San Diego? Then it must be really special.

HULK: Hulk no care about Staples and stupid ergonomically designed chairs. Arrrrgggghh!

12. University of Pennsylvania

13. Montgomery County, MD

14. Advanced Micro Devices / Austin, TX Facilities

15. Commonwealth of Pennsylvania


HULK: Hulk just realize that Pennsylvania is not a state. Pennsylvania is a 'Commonwealth'.

SWEETIE: Yeah. And the word 'Commonwealth' is kind of an oxymoron.

HULK: You're a moron.

SWEETIE: No, OXYMORON! Like the 'jumbo shrimp'.

HULK: Hulk just realize jumbo shrimp is not a state.

16. FedEx Kinko's

17. East Bay Municipal Utility District/Main WWT Plant

18. BMW Manufacturing Co. / Greer, SC Facilities

19. City of Santa Monica, CA

20. U.S. Navy / Region South


HULK: Wow, Navy finish much lower than Air Force. Grrrrr.

SWEETIE: Yeah, but the Navy gets to wear those cool sailor hats.

21. Harvard University

22. Round Rock (TX) Independent School District

23. City of Portland, OR

24. Pennsylvania State University

25. U.S. Department of Energy/Forrestal and Germantown Facilities


SWEETIE: That’s the list! Thanks for your help, Hulk.

HULK: Wait! Don't cut off Hulk! Hulk not finished with list! Hulk frustrated that he not make list! Grrrr! Hulk use nothing but Green Power! List was stupid. Why not put Hulk down as honorable mention? Hulk need to get his lawyer on phone. Grrrrh! Someone call Stan Lee! Tell him to stop making cameos and start focusing on getting Hulk's name out! Why no one making Hulk 2? They make two Baby Genius movies for Pete's sake. Wait? Who is this 'Pete' and why do we make movies for his sake? Find Pete and tell him to demand new Hulk movie! ARRRRGGGGH!

(NOTE: Hulk continued to ramble on for a few more seconds and then I hung up the phone and hid in the closet.)

Friday, June 03, 2005

Utah

Somewhere today in a schoolyard the following conversation is taking place:
KID #1: Knock knock.
KID #2: Who's there?
KID #1: Utah who?
KID #2: You tall, but I short.
Followed by uncomfortable silence.

But, there is more to Utah than belly laughs, yuk yuks and chuckles.

Perhaps the first thing people think of when they think of Utah is Mormons. The Mormons settled into Utah's Salt Lake Valley back in 1847. Back then the state was still Mexican territory. A year later some treaty made Utah a U.S. state.

The original capital of Utah was Fillmore, but that was replaced by Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City is presumably named after a lake with salt in it, but no one knows for sure. Few people have actually been to Utah and who can blame them. I bet they forget to put it on maps every now and then.

Utah is a popular ski destination since it has mountains that receive more than 500 inches of snow yearly. That's far more snow than other mountains that receive less than 100 inches of snow. However, it's less than mountains that receive over 600 inches of snow. Did you ever see the episode of Full House where they were trying to find the true meaning of Christmas? At the end the greasy uncle showed the kids that it's not about Jesus Christ, presents or family... the true meaning of Christmas is SNOW. This means that 4/6 of the planet can never truly celebrate Christmas.

Western Utah is mostly desert with plenty of sandstone.

Let us take a look at the Utah state song:

UTAH...THIS IS THE PLACE
Words- Sam Francis, Gary Francis
Music- Gary Francis

Utah! People working together
Utah! What a great place to be.
Blessed from Heaven above.
It's the land that we love.
This is the place!

Utah! With its mountains and valleys.
Utah! With its canyons and streams.
You can go anywhere.
But there's none that compare.
This is the place!

Yes you can shop around, but you will save the most with Utah! Is it just me or does this seem like a jingle for a mall?

It was Brigham Young who led the pioneers across the plains.
They suffered with the trials they had to face.
With faith they kept on going till they reached the Great Salt Lake
Here they heard the words..."THIS IS THE PLACE!"

Utah! With its focus on family,
Utah! Helps each child to succeed.
People care how they live.
Each has so much to give.
This is the place!

Utah! Its teeth are big and green!
Utah! It smells like gasoline!
Utah! Getting bigger and better.
Utah! Always leading the way.
New technology's here...
Growing faster each year.
This is the place!

Getting bigger? Not true. In fact, with geodesic erosion the state has lost approximately 0.43 of an inch of land surface since it became a state. This information was discovered with some of the aforementioned technology.
There is beauty in the snow-capped mountains, in the lakes and streams.
There are valleys filled with farms and orchards too.
The spirit of its people shows in everything they do.
Utah is the place where dreams come true.

Utah! With its pioneer spirit.
Utah! What a great legacy!
Blessed from Heaven above.
It's the land that we love.
This is the place

Utah! Utah! Utah!
THIS IS THE PLACE!

Yay Utah!!!

Utah is one of the four corners states! This means that it is bordered by Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado. There is a spot where you can quickly walk from state to state, or if you are fat enough, sit down in four states at once. I wonder what would happen if you committed a crime right at the four corners!?! Who would have jurisdiction?

Hmmm. I will grab my shotgun and go find out.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 5

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.



Ernani Bernardi Rec

What a way to start! In the 30s and 40s Bernardi was lead saxophonist and arranger for Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey and other huge names in popular music. Later he left music to become a Los Angeles City Councilman.

Sarah Bernhardt MP

No, she isn't the comedienne that tossed salad at Oscar the Grouch in Follow that Bird. That was Sandra Bernhard.
Wouldn't it be great if they were at the Oscars together? Then David Letterman could say "Sandra Bernhard, Sarah Bernhardt. Sandra Bernhard, Sarah Bernhardt."
But that couldn't happen. Sarah was dead by 1921.
Still her contributions to motion pictures can't be denied. She was the first famous stage actress to go into pictures. Her first film was a silent short. It was the first film incarnation of Hamlet. The year it was first shown was 1900!
Due to her popularity and association with acting (as one of its first superstars) her name became synonymous with acting and the expression "acting like Sarah Bernhardt" came about. This was often used by parents to describe a child's overly dramatic crying fit.

Ben Bernie Radio

Famous host of Jazz programs on the radio in the 1930s. He coined the word "yowsah" to describe the feeling of listening to jazz. He would often shout it during live performances. Years later it became the catch phrase of one Inspector Gadget.

Elmer Bernstein MP

Oscar winning composer who did some of the most famous film scores ever. Among his compositions is The Magnificent Seven.

Leonard Bernstein Rec

World renowned composer. One of his most successful pieces is West Side Story.

Noah Jr. Berry TV

This list of names is from the Walk of Fame's official website. For some reason they list "Noah Beery Jr." as "Noah Jr. Berry".
Noah Beery Jr. had a 60 year show business career. Among his best loved roles was that of Jim Garner's dad on The Rockford Files.

Chuck Berry Rec

Artist responsible for Johnny B. Goode and many other hit songs.

Edna Best MP

Actress who appeared in films from 1921 to 1956. One of her most successful films was the Alfred Hitchcock directed thriller The Man Who Knew Too Much.

Charles Bickford MP
Charles Bickford TV

Gruff character actor who starred in movies like A Star Is Born (1954) and TV series such as The Virginian.
E. Powers Biggs Rec

Biggs was a performer who brought the classical pipe organ back to prominence in the 1940s and 50s.

Theodore Bikel Live Theatre

Tony award winning performer from the musical The Sound of Music. He is also a performer in motion pictures and TV. One of his more famous roles was as Kisielev in The Desperate Ones.

Constance Binney MP

She was an actress in over a dozen films between 1918 and 1923. Here is how I linked her to Kevin Bacon:
Constance Binney starred in First Love (1921) with George Webb
George Webb appeared in Too Hot to Handle (1938) with Clark Gable
Clark Gable starred in The Misfits (1961) with Eli Wallach
Eli Wallach had a cameo in Mystic River (2003) which starred:
Kevin Bacon!!
Man I wish it was the mid nineties. You people would be really impressed.

Big Bird TV

An 8'2" yellow bird, star of TV's Sesame Street.

Clint Black Rec

Popular country musician since the late 1980s.

Sidney Blackmer MP

Tony-award winning actor who played Teddy Roosevelt in seven movies and is best remembered for his role in Rosemary's Baby.

Carlyle Blackwell MP

Actor who starred in over 150 films between 1909 and 1930. His last film was called Bedrock. Sadly, it wasn't about Fred Flintstone.

Mel Blanc Radio

One of the greatest cartoon voices ever. He is best known as the voice of Bugs Bunny. Before his work in cartoons he starred in many radio shows including The Jack Benny Show. Sadly that show wasn't about Fred Flintstone either.

Coming soon Vol. B, part 6. Sadly, it won't be about Fred Flintstones.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Dear Sweetie: Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama

Every so often I check my email and find letters from people in need of advice. The letters touch me dearly, tortured souls crying out for help from me. So, I exploit them and put them on this site.

Letter #1:
Dear Sweetie,
It has been 17 days since my last cigarette. It is so hard to quit! I have the strongest urges to light up again! What do I do?
Signed,
Missing Smoke

Dear Missing,
Quitting smoking is hard, but quitting QUITING smoking is easy! I think that is delicious irony. I also think it is ironic that we park in a drive way and drive on a park way. I think it is interesting that "ironic" contains the word "iron" and the letters "I.C." which can stand for "integrated circuit". Some integrated circuits are made out of iron. That's not ironic, though, that’s just interesting.
Thanks for writing,
Sweetie



Letter #2
Dear Sweetie,
I am blind. I have a lot of trouble dating, mostly because of the fact that I am blind. What can I do?
Thanks,
Blindie

Dear Blindie,
Buck up young man! Being blind isn't so bad. I know this because I saw both "Daredevil" and "Ray". I assume you didn't see these movies because you can't see. Here are some of the things I learned.
"Ray" taught me that if you feel a woman's wrist you can tell if she's ugly. So, check the wrists! Also, you should really date the ugly girls. After all, what difference does it make to you? You can't see them.
"Ray" also showed me that you can hear hummingbirds from a mile away with your supersonic hearing. You are like a superhero!
"Daredevil" just taught me that Colin Farrell, Joe Pantoliano and Ben Affleck are all overrated. I am not sure how that will help you.



Letter #3
Dear Sweetie,
I am trying to teach my daughter how to swim. Any advice?
Water Girl

Dear Water,
Sure. First, remember pools can be intimating to children. I recommend using a kiddie pool to start with. Since water can get in kid's lungs very quickly I recommend that you fill the kiddie pool with Jell-o.
Then train her for the next 18 years. Then send her to my place for Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama 2023!
Thanks for writing,
Sweetie


If you have questions send them to me. I will respond when I think of something mildly amusing to respond with.