Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Bright Sullen

The other day, in an attempt to show my disdain for poetry, I wrote a poem.

I wanted to see if the average person could distinguish between nonsense I scribbled on the back of a subscription card for WWE Magazine and the work of a Poet Laurette.

Most people couldn't.

This isn't a knock on them. It's just that "good" poetry is so hard to quantify.

You don't even have to rhyme.

I jotted my poem down in small sections as I watched a bad pan and scan version of the Micheal Keaton flick Multiplicity.

It took me about two minutes.
Here it is:


A Bright Sullen

The dogs bark at the break of day
They know what is started
In the back a tree stands
Soon to transition to the evening fire

Candy everywhere, the children scream
happiness as days slip away
older now everyone is present
All of life, all of a dream

Breath is heavy wheels move
No one still stands in the atrium
No one sits anytime, the wall doesn't move
Almost all the ponds have frozen

A chair. Empty. Alone.
People pass by legs in constant motion
No one sits. It squanders it's usefulness


Not bad, eh?

Actually it's really bad.

Let's take a closer look:
Here it is:
A Bright Sullen

The title sounds really deep, but it's not. I just thought "sullen" was a good artsy word so I stuck bright in front of it.

The dogs bark at the break of day
They know what is started
In the back a tree stands
Soon to transition to the evening fire

Stupid dogs. They don't know anything.

Candy everywhere, the children scream
happiness as days slip away
older now everyone is present
All of life, all of a dream

I am pretty sure I ripped this part off from some greeting card or from the movie Cocoon.

Breath is heavy wheels move
No one still stands in the atrium
No one sits anytime, the wall doesn't move
Almost all the ponds have frozen

At this point in the creative process I was thinking about actor Luis Guzman. He makes me laugh.

A chair. Empty. Alone.
People pass by legs in constant motion
No one sits. It squanders it's usefulness

So stupid. This whole poem squandered it's usefulness.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sammy Soil


His name is Sammy Soil... he's a tiny piece of soil... OR IS HE????

I dunno, look at how he towers over the grass and check out the bees that buzz around him like planes around King Kong.

Sammy Soil is NOT tiny.

Sammy has hands the size of dinner plates and shoes that either belong to grandma or The Iron Shiek. He also has Michael Jackson's nose and is in need of a haircut.

I don't think I will sleep tonight...

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Uncatchable Water Snake


The Uncatchable Water Snake.

Unlike those 'easy to catch' real water snakes, this one is hard to catch. Unless you stumble into some run down deli to buy some smokes or baby food. Then there is a good possibility you can get this poorly made item that is not painted... but still should probably have a lead paint warning.

The Uncatchable Water Snake.

See, I only have one photo of this item so get used to it. I am going to have to show it again and again.

The Uncatchable Water Snake.


See!

Anyway, I played with one of these when I was a lad. I remember it was called Mr. Wiggles. One of my cousins asked if I wanted to 'play with Mr. Wiggles' and being naive I thought Mr. Wiggles was some weird old guy in a trench coat.

After finding out Mr. Wiggles was a toy I agreed to play with him anyway. So we played catch... or should I say we played 'drop.'

Because this thing was impossible to get a grip on. Someone would toss it at you and you would try and hold onto it and it would wriggle around just like Rambo did when those cops tried to fingerprint him.

And so, Mr. Wiggles was my first brush with the toy that is now being sold as The Uncatchable Water Snake.


There it is. I like that the designers choose to decorate the box with butterflies and bumblebees rather than actual water snakes.

I also like that it is "SQUEEZABLE!" and "SAFETY!"


Most importantly, the good folks that make The Uncatchable Water Snake caution us: To avoid the sharp matter and point.

Ahhh, to think of all the time I have wasted avoiding The Noid and pinching 'an inch.'


I really love the box for The Uncatchable Water Snake.


But one thing puzzled me. It says "12 pcs"

At first I thought 'pcs' was short for 'pieces' but then I thought "How lazy do you have to be to abbreviate a word that's six letters long." And if you DO have to abbreviate it, why use HALF of the letters in the word.


No. It must mean something else. So I checked the Acronym Finder. The had 200+ options (you can just scroll down... there isn't a test):
Process of Setting *****
Patient Care Services *****
primary care services *****
Products and Services *****
Programme on Chemical Safety *****
Pest Control Solutions *****
Protocols and Services *****
President of Consumer *****
Professional Customer Service *****
Process Control Safety *****
Personal Computer Systems *****
Prevention Care and Support *****
Private Company Services *****
Private Christian School *****
Process Control Solutions *****
Pacific Crest Securities *****
Personal Counseling Services *****
Permanent Civil Service *****
Psychological Counseling Services *****
Parkview Center School *****
Printing and Copying Services *****
Public Communications Services *****
Pinckney Community Schools *****
Plainville Choral Society *****
Personal Communications Services *****
Project and Should *****
Power Control Systems *****
Pretty Cool Stuff *****
Parents and Children S *****
Powder Coated Steel *****
Placed on Calendar Senate *****
Production Control Software *****
Person Centered Services *****
Power Control System *****
Photonic Crystal Slabs *****
Primary Class Size ****
Personal Communications Service ****
Professional Civil Servants ****
Preferred Creditor Status ****
Proposed Committee Substitute ****
Procurement Contract Services ****
Pennsylvania Championship Series ****
Piedmont Chamber Singers ****
Peace Conflict Studies ****
Political Cartoon Society ****
Park City Solutions ****
Pastoral Care School ****
Programmable Control System ****
Psychology Community Services ****
Professional Career Services ****
Pathology Clinical Services ****
Postal Commemorative Society ****
Piqua City Schools ****
Polish Cardiac Society ****
Public Computing Services ****
Physics and Chemistry of Solids ****
Perma Chink Systems ****
Packet Construction Set ****
Potsdam Central School ****
Philosophy of Computer Science ****
Pendleton County Schools ****
Powertrain Control Solutions ****
Posts Camps and Stations ****
Public Commercial Services ****
Pool Cover Specialists ****
Personal Communications Systems ****
Polycom Conference Suite ****
Proportional Control System ****
Personal Cooling System ****
personal communication systems ****
Physics Computing Services ****
Pittard Campus School ****
Professional Communication Systems ****
Product Certification Scheme ****
Productivity Computer Solutions ****
Process Control Solution ****
Personal Counseling Service ****
Private Client Services ****
Program Component Score ****
Precision Computer Systems ****
Portable Computer Systems ****
Prattsburgh Central School ****
Pre Collision System ****
Position Classification System ****
Portland Customer Services ****
Personal Chef Service ****
Poor Customer Service ****
Product IN STOCK ****
Professional Conference Services ****
Port Command Successful ****
Professional Computer Services ****
Public and Commercial Services Union ****
Picture Communication Symbols ****
Providence College and Seminary ****
Professional Clubmakers Society ****
Projekt Controlling System ****
Providence Christian School ****
Public Charter School ****
Picture Coding Symposium ****
Peace and Conflict Studies ****
Professional Consulting Services ****
Peoria Christian School ****
Porsche Club Sverige ****
Professional Communication Society ****
Pre Crash Safety ****
Providence Classical School ****
Parallel Computing Systems ****
Pastoral Care Specialist ****
Personal Chef Services ****
Point Contact Spectroscopy ****
Philadelphia Classical Symphony ****
Patrick Computer Services ****
Performance Collection Software ****
Phoenix Computer Services ****
Primary Care Skills ****
Personal Connectivity Solutions ****
Pavement Condition Survey ****
Portable Character Set ****
Protection and Community Services ****
Population Communication Services ***
Peruvian Civil Society ***
Pro Card Systems ***
Personal Computer System ***
Professional Carpet Systems ***
Phone Companies Serving ***
Precision Computer Services ***
Physics Computer Science ***
Professional Cleaning Systems ***
Pre Computer Science ***
Pays for Covered Services ***
Primary Consulting Services ***
Parti Chretien Social ***
Production Control Services ***
Producer Compliance Scheme ***
Pre Collision Safety ***
Patient Clinical Summary ***
Portland Christian Schools ***
per carton size ***
Parts Components and Services ***
Pre Configured System ***
partition communication subsystem ***
Procedures and Conditions ***
Pest Control Supplies ***
Payment Clearing Services ***
Pitch Command System ***
Physical Chemistry and Spectroscopy ***
Pride Communication Services ***
Physician Consultation Service ***
Punjabi Cultural Society ***
Pathetic Customer Service ***
People Creating Success ***
Premier Computer Solutions ***
Process Control Suite ***
Positive Christian Singles ***
Product Creation System ***
Patient Classification Systems ***
Preferred Client Services ***
Property Care Services ***
Pentagon Car Sales ***
Park Christian School ***
Pieces the Special ***
Prudential Cleanroom Services ***
Port Control System ***
Personal Computer Support ***
Portsmouth Christian School ***
Princeton Christian School ***
Process Computer System ***
Punch Card System ***
Position Classification Standards ***
Phillip C Showell ***
Plant Control Systems ***
Provincial Civil Services ***
Pollution Control Systems ***
Powerline Control Systems ***
Psychoanalysis and Contemporary Science ***
Plymouth Center School ***
Professional Chauffeur Services ***
Plus Compare or Save ***
Portland Center Stage ***
Premium Coal Samples ***
Percent of Sprint ***
Premier Consulting Services ***
professional conduct standards ***
Performance Control System ***
Personal Computing Systems ***
Personal Computer Services ***
Pastoral Counseling Services ***
Program and Clinical Services ***
Pear Coding Standards ***
Peacehaven Community School ***
Phone Card Store ***
Pneumatic Conveying Systems ***
Parkview Center School (Saint Paul, MN) ***
Permanent Changes of Station ***
Pierce College-Ft Steilacoom (Tacoma, WA) ***
Pine Crest School (Fort Lauderdale, FL) ***
Provide Custom Solutions ***
Practical Computer Solutions ***
Payment Control System ***
Potere Calorifico Superiore ***
Professional Clubmaker S ***
Prospective Cohort Study ***
pacific coast swimming ***
Personnal Communication Services ***
Pressure Core Sampler ***
Pre Clinical Skills ***
Professional Conference Systems ***
Pasture Condition Score ***
Professional Conference Series ***
Product Catalog SONY ***
Profile Cutting Systems ***
Projected Coordinate Systems ***
Professional Computing Solutions ***
Professional Care Service ***
Penguin Critical Studies ***
Providing Customer Satisfaction ***
Process Classification Scheme ***
Professional Credential Services ***
Personal Cutting System ***
Pullman Christian School ***
Project Counselling Service ***
Pursuit Combat Systems ***
Premium Customer Service ***
Princeton Charter School ***
Personal Computer Serial ***
Position Control System ***
Philippine Cancer Society ***
Professional Computer Systems ***
Preservation and Conservation Studies ***
Preferred Character Set ***
Plans Compare Sprint ***
Purchased Client Services ***
Pen Computer Systems ***
Personal Computer Solutions ***
Producer Compliance Schemes ***
Performance Consulting Services ***
Power Correction Systems ***
Patient Care Systems ***
Pneumatic Control System ***
Preferred Customer Service ***
Palau Conservation Society ***
Personal Cellular System ***
Portable Classroom Study ***
personal communication services/system ***
PTZ Camera Sony ***
Petroleum Card Services ***
Petroleum Contaminated Soils ***
Prices on Sprint ***
Pipeline Compliance System ***
Petrochemical Corporation of Singapore ***



I think they either meant 12 "per carton size" or 12 "pelvic congestion syndrome."

A Deleted Scene From Rambo: First Blood Part II

Things could not be better today because the world has been blessed with ANOTHER Rambo flick.

The newest film is simply called Rambo even though it follows Rambo III. The first film was actually called First Blood but rather than call it's sequel "Second Blood" they called it Rambo: First Blood Part II.

Anyway, the plot of that film involved Rambo going into to Vietnam and picking up some bearded guy so he can carry him back to the USA.

After a little while Rambo needed a breather so he set the dude down.

"Hey, I'm Rambo. I like your beard" He said (or something like that.)


"What year is it" The bearded guy said (we can call him Ted from now on.)



Rambo turned away and said "1985."



Bam! We see the sorrow and regret on Ted's face.

It was a touching moment, but almost instantly it ended and they were trekking back to the good old USA.

However, in the first cut of the film the scene went much longer. I found the entire deleted scene (or extended sequence if you will) on a DVD or Youtube or maybe I just made it up.

DELETED SCENE/EXTENDED SCENE FROM DVD/YOUTUBE/THE DARK RECESS OF GUY HUTCHINSON'S MIND:

"What year is it" Ted asks Rambo.

"1985" Rambo replies.

Ted looks sad. "Is Johnson still President?"

"No."

"Is Mikey still the spokesman for Life Cereal?"

"No," replied an agitated Rambo "he drank soda and Pop Rocks and died."

"Pop Rocks?"

"It's candy." replied Rambo.

"Is it any good?" asked Ted.

"I never tried 'em. I think it's like Rice Krispies."

"Rice Krispies are a candy now?" Ted seems even more curious.

"No. But sometimes people cook them with marshmallows and serve them as squares."

"Like a cake?"

Rambo looks around before answering. The he nods 'yes.'

"Wow" said Ted "do they still crackle and pop if you dunk them in milk?"

"A little." replied Rambo.

Ted looked happy. "Do they still snap?"

"No." Rambo quickly answered.

"Oh..."

"What else has changed, Rambo?" Ted asked.

"A whole lot."

Ted looked at his feet. "Do people still bump butts when they dance?"

"No."

Ted was stunned. "No? Not at all?"

Rambo shakes his head 'no.'

"I really liked 'the bump' I was pretty good at it. If I go into a disco and try it would that be okay?"

"I wouldn't recommend it." Rambo shot back. "Plus nobody says disco anymore."


"What do they say?" Ted asked.

Rambo looks confused, like he wasn't really listening to Ted but was embarrassed to admit it so he just answers the question he thought he heard.

"People say 'Pac-man' and 'Hulkamania's running wild' and 'one point twenty-one jigawatt's' stuff like that."




Ted starts thinking and says "I wonder if my mom is still alive."

"Nah" said Rambo "She was probably killed by the aliens."

"Aliens?"

"Yup. They came out of the sewers and wiped out everyone. They use old lady bones to pick their teeth."

Ted is in shock!

"I'm just messin' with ya." Rambo chuckles.

Ted is still in shock.


Ted then asks "How did that Disneyland in Florida turn out?"

Rambo said "It's good. I went there last August. I rode the tea cups and drank pink lemonade. They got another one called Epcot Center."

"Do they have tea cups there?" Ted asked.

"No." said Rambo.



"No tea cups?" Ted asked again.

"Not one." said Rambo with a tone of finality that shook Ted to his core.



Then they get up and Rambo carries him back to the United States blowing up entire villages with explosive arrows along the way.

THE END

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Guy... is that you?

Recently I had some friends over for a whole day.

One really, long day. In order to entertain them (and to keep them from hearing the screaming in the basement) I played a series of TV episodes.

Marathon style.

And every episode was as gay as could be.

I am not sure why we decided to watch all gay-themed TV shows, but we did.

The three friends I had over were all straight. Well, I was sure two of them were actually straight... and I am not totally sure any of them were actually my friends.

Before we get started with the actual shows, let me explain the title of this article. I had noticed that two different TV show episodes had the phrase "Is That You" in the title. I assumed this was a reference to some earlier piece of pop culture... but it was one I was not familiar with.

A Google search confirmed that there was a film made in the 1970's called Norman... is that You?.

The film starred Redd Foxx and Pearl Bailey and told the story of a shocked mother and father who find out they have a gay child.

It's not on DVD and I have never seen it.

So, really, it's a reference that I bet none of you got.

Here is what we watched:

1. Sanford and Son: This episode is titled Lamont... is that you? and since Sanford and Son also starred Redd Foxx this episode chose to parody the aforementioned gay themed film.
Look! I used the word aforementioned! Wow, my word of the day calendar is sure suprecious. I feel so fantarisical! I should go eat some huskiberry pie.
The plot if the episode is pretty simple: Rollo and Lamont accidentally enter a gay bar, Bubba sees them and tells Fred. So, Fred and Bubba go to the gay bar to spy on Lamont. Rollo sees Fred and Bubba and the show goes in a big gay circle for another 20 minutes.


2. Cheers: This episode was actually titled "Norman... is that you?" because it involves Norm. The plot of the episode is that Norm gets drunk and makes gay love to Cliff in the pool room. Carla secretly videotapes it and plays the tape for the whole bar.
Just kidding. Actually the plot involves Norm becoming an interior decorator for some of Frasier's friends. For some reason Frasier's pals only hire gay decorators so Norm pretends to be "festive" for them and tries to get Sam to play his lover.

3. Larry Sanders: This is one of my favorites. David Duchovny plays himself, but he is in love with Larry Sanders (Garry Shandling.) The only way this could have been funnier is if it was David Blaine and Gary Coleman. And if they projected the show on a banana peel and some British guy slipped on the banana peel and fell on a whoopee cushion. That would be funnier.

4. Three's Company: Here is the episode where Mr. Roper gets drunk and ends up in bed with Jack. Then Mr. Roper starts to wonder if he is gay. Limp wrist-ed laughs galore.

5. King of Queens: Spence just got a TiVo. He set it to tape his favorite shows and now it recommends other shows to Spence all of which are gay themed. This would have been funnier if Spence had a Replay TV but then when the company filed for bankruptcy in 2003 he was left with the difficult choice of either continuing to pay the subscription fee, knowing that new hardware would be impossible to obtain or to switch to another brand that didn't support the controversial "commercial skipping" feature that Replay TV had. Then Spence could do a funny dance.
By the way, this was only the subplot of the episode. I don't remember the main plot of the show but I do remember Kevin James wearing a Mets jersey. Oh that Kevin James. You never know what he'll wear next.

6. The Simpsons: The title of this episode was Homer-phobia. Get it? Whooo hooo! Man, that is so fantastic wordplay.
In the show Bart befriends some dude played by John Waters. Homer worries that John Waters would either make him gay... or make him make highly unprofitable movies.

7. Mr. Belvedere: Remember this show? I recently watched the entire series, and yes, they had a gay episode.
In it Heather dates a guy who isn't interested in her sexually. So she asks him if he's "gay or something." Well, it turns out to just be "or something" but for the next 20 minutes he worries about his sexuality until Belvedere lays down some Union Jack style wisdom.

8. Andy Richter Controls The Universe: You may not have seen this show, but it was a great show that was on Fox a few years back. The gay episode is pretty much the same story as the Three's Company episode. After getting drunk Andy and a co-worker wind up in the same bed.

9. Alice: The Mel's Diner show. Kiss my grits and all that stuff. Mel has a pal who (unbeknown -word of the day calendar rocks!- to him, is gay.) Alice first agrees to let her young son hang out with him until she finds out he is gay. The gay guy (sorry, I don't recall his name) tries to get Alice to reconsider by posing the dumbest analogy in sitcom history:
"If I was straight you would leave me alone with your 12 year old daughter wouldn't you?"
The creepiest gay character of the day, this dude then takes Alice's kid fishing and then does something with him and tells him not to tell his mom.
He does tell her (after much coaxing - I better slow down with this calandar... I am already up to May.) Anyway the gay guy gave him a beer. Alice is so relived that it was a beer rather than a juicy sausage that she hugs the kid and offers him another beer.
So the moral of the story is: Don't let your kids hang out with gays. Not that they will do anything gay with them, but they will turn 'em into alcoholics.

10. My Name is Earl: Earl is perhaps the straightest show to ever go gay on it's first episode. In the pilot, our mustachioed hero has to help out a gay guy who a young Earl used to torment.
This episode includes a generous sampling of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. I may use this when I do my Rob Base TV Sitcom marathon.

11. The Jeffersons: George's old army buddy had a sex change. The greatest sex change of all time. Seriously. Usually sex change recipients look like John Goodman in a wig at worst or RuPaul at best.
But for The Jeffersons they hired a beautiful female actress to play George's old pal. Hilarity ensues.

12. Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law: This is also the first episode of the series, but this show isn't as straight as My Name Is Earl so I stand by my earlier quote: "Earl is perhaps the straightest show to ever go gay on it's first episode."
I am so glad I threw a perhaps in there.
In this episode of the Adult Swim staple, Harvey is involved in a custody case involving Johnny Quest. Yup, Cartoon Network made Johnny's dad gay. Way to go. I am pretty sure Bill Hanna and Joesph Barbara are spinning in their graves. That is if they are both dead.

13. WKRP in Cincinnati: Les Nesman is accused of being gay so he climbs out on a ledge and prepares to leap to his death. Meanwhile, Johnny Fever tells the guy who looks like Larry (from Three's Company) that the blonde chick (the one from that Burt Reynolds race film) is actually a dude. Boy, this whole thing would be better if I just spend five minutes on IMDB.

14. Cheers: Another gay Cheers! This one features a gay friend of Sam's authoring a book about being a gay catcher. A BASEBALL CATCHER.
Anyway, the boys are all a bit anti-gay. The show ends with Norm getting kissed by two gay men. This episode won a GLAAD award.


That was it. Several hours of gay themed sitcoms. Perhaps we were more enlightened. Maybe not.

But, it was a gay old time.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Rap Snacks

You know the feelin'. You just made some sucker mc call you sire and now you need nourishment.

You need da flava of RAP SNACKS!
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I will diss you I will dismiss you, if you gots whack snacks.

But if you got Rap Snacks?

They make your back crack, knees freeze and your liver quiver. They make... ah, screw it. I am all outta Dusty Rhodes' quotes.


Soooooo, yesterday I was in a Big Lots store. If you have never been to one, it's like if K-Mart had a dumb ugly brother. Or like a dollar store that just doesn't get the whole "dollar" thing.

Anyway, they have Rap Snacks... but only the Stat Quo version. See each chip has it's own rapper... and package... that you could actually call a wrapper if you wanted to be weird.

Stat Quo is an Atlanta based rapper who's debut album was entitled Statlanta. Lots of critics said "stattaboy" when they heard the album. He statributes his success to his dope rhymes and stattitude. his favorite character in A Bug's Life was Princess Statta and his favorite Star Wars toy was a Stat Stat Walker.

I could do this all day. I promise I will stop now. Don't stattack me! Ok, I am really stopping now.

Anyway, Stat Quo is a very successful rapper, but I guess his chips aren't.

Big Lots had shelves of them for just 80 cents a bag. I hated to ruin my stappetite but I ate the whole bag. Ok, I am really, really stopping now.

Stat Quo has an amazingly good sour cream and extra cheddar chip. I bought as many bags as I could carry... 4. I really got to start going to a gym.

The chips are the "Official Snacks of Hip Hop." No foolin'.

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