Craig Cohen Got Elfed

Have you seen this "Elf Yourself" thing? It's a website set up by Office Max that allows you to take your photo and put it on the body of an dancin' elf.

I did it and then realized it made me look stupid so I did it again... using Craig Cohen's picture.

If you don't know who Craig Cohen is, check out this website:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craig_Cohen

That's a different guy with the same name, but you get the picture.

Anyway, I took 4 pictures of Craig Cohen and uploaded them to elfyourself.com.

Then a created my own little Craig Cohen song.

It's groovy.

Take a look for yourself: click here

The Barry Manilow Fan Club Kit

Not too long ago I attended a Barry Manilow concert in Philadelphia. I know, I'd make fun of YOU if you went, but still I have no problem admitting that I went, I had a good time and I joined his fan club.

The fan club membership was free with purchase of the concert tickets, but hey, I had to fill out a card, mail it and open the envelope when it arrived.

It's not easy being a member of the Barry Manilow Fan Club, but someone has to do it.

Here is what I got:


All this AND your undying jealousy. I am a lucky, lucky man.

What a big bunch of fun stuff. I spent, literally, 10 seconds looking at this stuff before stashing it my hope chest.

Wow.

Let's take a close look at that stuff:

This is a small glossy picture of Ellen Degeneres. I am not sure why they sent it.

I am also not sure if that was an Ellen joke or a Manilow joke.





Then there is this:

This gigantic thing is supposed to be a membership card. It's cleverly shaped like a diner place mat. I am going to need my extra large purse to carry it.





This was my favorite item:

The "For A Good Time Call..." sticker. This one scared me. I think it might be some kind of weird Barry Manilow phone sex thing. Maybe if you call it he sings Copacobana without pants or something.
I didn't know what to it at first. So I stuck it on my Rosie O'Donnell doll:

Then I stuck it to my Little Man poster:


In the end I just stuck it to the back of some dude's pants. Then I laughed and laughed.





I also got an ad for the Manilow Christmas album:


This is probably my twelfth favorite Christmas album (falling between Larry the Cable Guy's "Very Larry Christmas" and Ken Patera's "Christmas is for Wimps."




I don't remember what this was:





Then there was this:

A nice little Manilow Fan Club pin. It is equally good for wearing to concerts, formal events or for popping a blister on your foot.




Finally there was an ad for a Manilow Visa:



It's got his picture on it. Maybe I can get one and charge a new plasma to Barry's account.

Photo of Guy Hutchinson

Photo of Guy Hutchinson

Pictures of Mike Tyson taking pictures

Mike Tyson. Former IBF, WBF, WNBA, WGN and IRT heavyweight champion of the world. Currently he is best know for having a tattoo on his face. My grandmother loves his tattoo because she has the same pattern on her couch.

Tyson the shutterbug.

Could you imagine trying to explain how to turn on the "flash" to Mike Tyson? Or to The Flash.
You know, the superhero... THE FLASH.
You would say "make sure to turn on the flash" and he would say "Oh, I am." and then he would put his hand on your knee.

Mike Tyson once told another boxer he would eat his children. I bet he meant that they would eat up space on the memory stick of his camera after he started snappin' candids of them. Kids on the swings, kids wearing Halloween and kids taking a bath (oh, they will be embarrassed one day when Uncle Mike shows THAT pic to their prom date.)

I have no idea what Mike is snapping pictures of. God, I hope some museum does an exhibit of Tyson's pictures. That would be awesome!

The only thing funnier than Tyson with a camera would be a camel with a camera. I like the word camel. If I smoked I would smoke Kools... because I think camels are Kool! My favorite figure skater is Dorthy Hamel because her name sounds like "camel."

TYSON!

My Name Is Earl hotel

Being a fan of the NBC sitcom My Name Is Earl I decided to hunt down some of the filming locations from the show.

My Name Is Earl is a bit unusual because they film much of the show's footage outdoors and on location. Because of this Earl's rural Camden County looks a lot like Los Angeles.

After fining out all of the locations I could I decided the best place to go was "the motel." I am not sure what it is called in the show, but in the real world it is The Palm Tree Inn.

You gotta love a motel that announces on their sign that they have CNN.

The Palm Tree Inn is in person just what it appears to be in the show... a run down motel that most people would avoid visiting... unless they were a hooker. Are most people hookers? I'm not sure (note: insert joke about the way women dress at the mall before posting this.)

I arrived at the hotel October 23, 2007 and I was stunned to find a camera crew setting up to shoot... Gilmore Girls (note: insert joke about the Gilmore Girls being hookers before posting.)


No, I kid. They were there to shoot My Name Is Earl. (note: insert joke about someone shooting the Gilmore Girls with a gun... try not to make it too morbid.)


I drove by the motel a bunch of times and tried to sneak a few photos:

The next day I returned to find that the film crew was gone. Here are some photos I was able to take:

This first one shows the pool, which is often showcased in the show. I remember hearing on the DVD commentary track that they have to "muddy" the water in the pool with some dye so the pool looks extra dirty.

That doesn't explain the set of toilets next to the pool. I wonder if they ALWAYS have toilets by the pool. That would be rather convenient.

Perhaps they should put that on the sign instead of CNN.

I think Earl's room is the third door down in this photo:

They only shoot exteriors here, so the inside of the hotel probably looks very different.

Here is another photo:

It's not very helpful because Earl's room is on the other side and this part has probably never been shown on TV. Stupid Gilmore Girls.

More photos from my cell phone

Yeah, I have more.

These are photos that weren't good enough to run the first time.


For starters, here is Lady Liberty. She's big and green. As a kid I owned a small statue of the... uh... statue. I used to pretend that she was the Incredible Hulk's wife. Then I pretened that she gave birth to Kermit the Frog.
Hulk was a good daddy and Kermit was, by all accounts a good kid. But then one day he started dating a pig. Hulk was enraged and Lady Liberty too to huffing paint thinner. Then she hanged herself with my shoelace rope.
If only I had never invented that infernal thing!



I took the photo at the Wachovia Center (an arena in Philadelphia.) There were about 40 chairs with Wachovia Center writen on them and just one that had the old name. I laughed and laughed.
I sen this photo to my friend Len. He didn't get it.



Yeah. The Eagles donut. It's official. Doesn't it look like the bird logo actually has a donut body? Wouldn't it be funny if he rolled over into the coffee and then was scalded. And then drowned.
I sent this to my friend Jeff. He doesn't like that I use the Dunkin' Donuts spelling of "doughnuts."




Awwww. Hollywood The Cat kissed my Donald Duck tiki statue. Awww.
I sent this to everyone I know that uses smileys in text messages. Then I started huffing paint thinner with Lady Liberty.



This is the house I grew up in. I think it was green back then. I know I used to pretend it was the Hulk's grandpop.
I sent this picture to my mom.




Here is a picture of a VHS copy of Muppet Classic Theater.
I sent this to the Hulk. He misses Kermit, but he is too stubborn to admit it.

Photos from my cell phone...

Ahhh, the cell phone. One of my all time favorite inventions.

By "my all time favorite inventions" I mean that it is an invention that is one of my favorites. Not that I invented it.

If I HAD invented it, it would be my favorite invention.

My second favorite invention would be the shoelace rope I invented to turn off the light in my bedroom when I was 10. My third favorite invention would be my imaginary friend, Ethyl. She was a nice elderly lady with candy bars for hands.

Anyway, I use my phone for everything. I make calls, surf the internet, play video games and watch TV shows on it.

And I take photos with it.

It takes pretty good pictures, but I rarely use it to take a photo of any importance. I mostly use it to take photos of things I feel some need to share with a friend or relative.

So today, I want you all to be my friends and/or relatives and enjoy some of the pictures I have on my phone:


Ah, Waffle-opoly. I remember when I first received my copy of Waffle-opoly in the mail. I was overjoyed that I could now play a game with "Waffle" in the title. Of course, I never played it because I hate Monopoly.
Still, looking at this photo makes me nostalgic for the day when I greeted the mail man at the door. After some awkward small talk I promised to "put some clothes on" and he gave me Waffle-opoly.
I think I sent the photo to my friend Pete. He likes waffles.




I went to Walt Disney World a few months ago and after a snag in my plans kept me out of Epcot, I scrambled to get dining reservations somewhere in the Magic Kingdom.
As I looked for a suitable dining spot I fielded a call from Mom. She was worried that my vacation was ruined so I promised I would let her know when I found food.
So, when I sat down at Tony's I sent her this picture.
I ate something that looked like pizza, smelled like chili and tasted like the back of Dom Deluise's ear (trust me, I know.)





You know how sometimes you take a picture and the flash causes the subject's eyes to glow? Well, that didn't happen here. My cat just wears bright yellow contacts.
She is a little embarrasses by her poor eyesight so don't mention it to her.
I sent this to her optometrist.




This is what the inside of a joystick looks like.
I sent this to my mail man. It was the punchline to a dirty joke I had texted him.





Here is Giants Stadium as the Red Bulls get ready to play the L.A. Galaxy (with David Beckham on tenor saxophone.)
I sent this to my cousin. He hates soccer and he said no one would be there.
He relied to the photo by texting "those are a bunch of nobodies in the stands." I guess I couldn't disagree.






Mmmmm. Chicken roll. I bought a whole bunch of chicken roll at the supermarket. I think I made two sandwiches.
I sent the picture to everyone I knew. With no explanation.

BMX Bandits: Part 3 - LET'S GET FOAMY

When we last left the BMX Bandits, bad guys were chasing Nicole Kidman because her and her friends had stolen a case of walkie-talkies (that the bad guys had planned to use for some kind of crime).
The kids were racing through a mall causing hysterical havoc.


This guy got a pie in the face.


Nicole & company then went to the police who told them to fight the bad guys themselves. This might be the dumbest scene I have ever seen in any movie... and I saw Shakespeare in Love.


At some point the bad guys chase the BMX Bandits through a water park.


Then the Bandits get all the kids in town to throw flour at the bad guys.


Then they sprayed some foam fertilizer on them. Somehow this movie turned into an episode of Double Dare in the last ten minutes.


So, the bad guys failed the "physical challenge" and they were sent home with a copy of the Double Dare home game. Then, the BMX Bandits opened a bike park. I hate bike parks. I took my bike to one and then I had to carry a plastic bag and "pick up" after the bike "did it's business."

Maybe that was a Muppet park. I do own a Muppet.



During the credits we get a warning. Not a warning about stealing things (like walkie-talkies) or spraying deadly foam fertilizer at people or even about shutting of the circuit before doing electrical work (see part 2) but about bike riding.

In conclusion. I hate BMX Bandits. I hate them so much. I hope they make a remake so I can hate that too.


Before we go, let me share this screen grab from the water park scene:

This kid went to the water park for a day of fun and it was captured on film forever.

And that boy would grow up to become Andre Agassi.

Cheers mate!

BMX Bandits: Part 2 - THE WRATH OF KIDMAN

When we last left the BMX Bandits they had giant radios and hearts of gold.

For some reason they went into a cemetery for about 4 hours. I swear, this movie is only 82 minutes, but I looked at my watch at the beginning of the cemetery scene and then at the end and 4 hours went by.

Also one of the bad guys had a Mr. Burns mask:

And this was years before The Simpsons debuted. It's hard to believe they have only been around for 30 or 40 years.

I am skipping the rest of the cemetery scene. They just get chased by bad guys and hide inside a grave. The images were so dark you could barely see anyway. Instead I suggest you bang your head against something metal and solid so you can simulate looking at the entire scene.


Time for some hilarity. This guy has a walkie-talkie. He is talking to a guy moving a large hunk of steel over a car.
Suddenly the BMX Bandits say "drop it" over THEIR walkie-talkie. Since they are on the same frequency the guy in the crane drops the steel beam on the car.


The car, apparently full of dynamite explodes.


This guy doesn't react at first, but then he sees the red light on the camera and...


Makes this face.


Then Kidman gets captured but breaks away by bashing someones skull in.


Knowing that the audience is saddened by the death of an unknown number of construction workers they producers give us a lighthearted bike romp through a mall.


Unfortunately the shenanigans cause this worker to be electrocuted.

So to recap:
1. A cemetery
2. Dead construction workers
3. Kidman bashing in a skull
4. Dead electrician

Bring the kids! BMX Bandits is fun for all!

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR A PIE IN THE FACE...

A PIE OF DEATH!