Monday, October 09, 2006

My Big Ole Happy Mashed Potato Bar Party

There is a hip trendy new party that is sweeping the nation. Its the "Mashed Potato Bar Party."

In this party people enjoy mashed potatoes in martini glasses and we nominate a presidential candidate who will not win and instead just siphon votes from the established candidate whose beliefs are closest to ours.

The whole idea of eating mashed potatoes out of a martini glass seems like something that Weird Al would have done on his old Saturday morning show, but its better than it sounds.

I recently threw a Mashed Potato Bar Party, and no, you weren't invited.

Sorry, I just didn't have enough potatoes.

Nor did I have martini glasses.

I did have margarita glasses. See, when it comes to alcohol I am not the sophisticated erudite martini type. I am more of the Hawaiian shirt and shorts margarita type.

Ah, who am I kidding. I am the 40 of Colt 45 in a dark room writing a list of those who "wronged" me type.

Anyway, here is what you need to throw your own party:

#1 A bunch of mashed potatoes. I used a box of the "mix flakes with water variety." You might want to go with real mashed potatoes made from scratch. You also might want to use martini glasses. You also might be a stuck up jerk.

Don't be surprised if you make "the list" next time I break out the Colt 45.

#2 Spoons

#3 Sour cream (I left it in the sun for a few hours to make it extra sour.)

#4 Ranch dressing. I mean salad dressing, not cowboy hats. Actually, I would suggest cowboy hats. Maybe next time.

#5 Salsa. I mean the condiment, not the dance. Shoot, the dance would be good too. I better throw a whole new party.

#6 Cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. I had grated cheese, shredded cheese, cheese wiz and "I Can't Believe it's Not Cheese."

#7 Broccoli. Because you always need something that sucks so you remember what things are cool.

#8 Chives. Because it's fun to say chives.

#9 People.

For starters, I invited myself. I was the genial host for my party.

Like any good host, I remembered which piece of broccoli I dropped on the floor and which products were waaaaay past the expiration date and I made sure not to tell anyone else.

You also need guests (were dropping the whole # thing.) I took a few photos of them, but I never got their permission to put them on the site so I have obscured their identities.

Here is the first dude. Let's call him 'Craig.'

'Craig' heard the words "mashed potatoes" and 'bar,' but didn't know I was combining the two. He punched me for taking this photo.

'Craig' liked the cheese wiz and the salsa. He also took a bunch of my CDs and broke some shelves in my bathroom medicine cabinet. I am glad he came by.

The next guest was much more excited to attend. We can call him 'Craig' as well.

'Craig' was also having a good time, but he got into a heated argument with me about whether "chives" and "green onions" were the same thing.

I don't remember what my opinion was except that I am sure it was the right one. I do regret the whole "eye full of salsa" incident.

Sorry 'Craig.'

I have a photo of one more guest:

We can't call him 'Craig' because that was his real name. Lets call him 'Beatrice.'

'Beatrice' didn't take my side in the whole chives/green onions debate. He also suggested that we "play karaoke" but somehow insisted on having absolute silence and a hammer in order to "play karaoke."

I don't think he knew what karaoke meant.

In the end, the Mashed Potato Bar Party was the most fun I have ever had involving potatoes.

Except for that time I took a Mrs. Potato Head and had her make out with my Luke Skywalker figure.

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