Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby"

Ice Ice Baby was one of the most successful tracks of the early 1990s. It has become one of the most derided songs of all time, regularly topping "worst songs of all time" lists.

To be fair, it sounds pretty good. Because the song blatantly rips off Queen's "Under Pressure."

So, what did Vanilla Ice add to track? Let’s take a look:

Yo, VIP, Lets kick it!

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen

Collaborate is defined as "all processes wherein people work together —applying both to the work of individuals as well as larger collectives and societies."
So... he wanted us to work together at... listening. Or stopping.

Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Man, I wish he would tell us about his new invention! Unfortunately, something grabbed him and he lost his focus.
Still, all these years later, I wonder what he had invented.

Maybe it was a toaster that would butter your bread for you! Or, perhaps it was a new kind of teddy bear that could monitor your child's temperature and tell you if he/she got sick. Maybe it was a rotary dial phone that could also be used as a floatation device.

Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Harpoon: is a long spear-like instrument used in fishing to catch fish or other aquatic animals. Usually thrown in a fast, rough motion.
Flow: To move or run smoothly with unbroken continuity, as in the manner characteristic of a fluid.

I'm starting to think Vanilla is stupid. Maybe his invention was a stick figure made of pipe cleaners.

Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow

To recap, he doesn't know when he will stop. On the other hand, he does have a condition that causes him to GLOW IN THE DARK.
This could be from some kind of radiation. If the movies have taught me anything, it's that radiation either turns you into a superhero, or kills you.

So, sadly, maybe he will stop soon. Or he may be the next Green Lantern.

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom

Good lord, the man is trying to kill us all! Now, the Green Lantern I know would never act that way!

Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
You better hit bull's eye, The kid don't play
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

To recap, his rhymes are both dope and deadly. However, when they do not succeed in being the best they can be punishable by forfeiture of land or goods and by possible loss of life or a bodily part under early English law. He then says "love it or leave it" and "you better gain way." He never explains why, so I will assume he was reading bumper stickers or something.
He also tells us that we "better hit the bull's eye," but that kids aren't allowed to play.
Then he offers to solve problems. I can hope that he starts by finding something to keep the kids occupied, since they won't be playing.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vegas are pumpin'

Look, I didn't transcribe the lyrics here, so it is possible that he didn't say "the Vegas are pumpin'."
Maybe someone misheard him.
If not, that is one of the most asinine things I have ever read.

Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal

This is true. I saw him on the "Surreal Life." Someone hit a cymbal behind him and he began washing his hands repeatedly.

Come to think of it, the cymbal actually seemed to trigger OCDs more than actual insanity.

And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, Waving just to say Hi
Did you stop? No -- I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead

Yo -- so I continued to A1A Beachfront Ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis

Less than the bikini? What would you call that? The monokini? Or the kini?

Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of "Eight Ball"
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- All I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, You know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, You, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

He really switched gears on us there, didn't he? Now after launching an extremely dull monologue that gives us a peek into a day in life of ice, he goes to the chorus.

By the way, if we learn nothing else, we should remember to always "get away before the jackers jack."

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it

OH MY GOD! He actually rhymed "poet" with "didn't know it." I thought you had to be someone "cool" aunt to make that rhyme!

My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill

Remember, a chemical spill is a bad thing.

Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast, Other DJs say, "damn"
If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram

And if music was a drug, he'd still have to rip off Queen.

Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Yo -- I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while the DJ revolves it.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Yo man -- Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

Oh! It's finished. Good thing, suddenly I want to go home and kick my juice.