Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 9

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.

Vanessa Brown MP
Vanessa Brown TV

TV star of the sitcom "My Favorite Husband", Vanessa also appeared in the 1950 film Tarzan and the Slave Girl as well as the Broadway version of the film The Seven Year Itch (in the Marilyn Monroe part.)

Tod Browning MP

Director of over 60 films, most notably the famed 1931 version of Dracula.

Dave Brubeck Rec

Jazz pianist best known for the song "Take Five." Brubeck is a member of the Big Band and Jazz Hall of Fame.
One of his songs was featured in the 2002 TV program "Diet Coke with Lemon Celebrates 40 Years of Laughter: At the Improv." I never saw this, but I bet it was funny. No one knows comedy like Diet Coke with Lemon. He has a great sense of humor.

Yul Brynner MP

Bald actor who was best known for playing the title role in The King and I. By title role I mean he played "The King" not "I." That would be pretty funny if he played "I." Diet Coke with Lemon would get a real kick out of that.

Sandra Bullock MP

Popular star of Speed and Miss Congeniality.

Bugs Bunny MP

Cartoon rabbit that made his first screen appearance in 1938 in the cartoon "Porky's Hare Hunt."

John Bunny MP
Bug's less talented brother, John named his son Jermajesty.
No, that's not true. John was one of the most popular silent film actors. He was the first American film comedian and the first person to play Santa Claus on film. He performed in over 200 films before his death in 1915. Very few of his films survive.

Billie Burke MP

Billie played Glenda the good witch in the 1939 Wizard of Oz. She appeared in over 80 other pictures.

Sonny Burke Rec

Big band leader from the 1930s to the 1950s. Worked with many popular musicians including Frank Sinatra.

Carol Burnett TV

Star of TVs "Carol Burnett & Company", Carol's first job was at the Warner Pacific Theater on Hollywood Blvd. Her star is located right in front of the theater (at her request.)

Smiley Burnette MP

Appeared in many westerns including Last of the Pony Riders in 1953. That film starred Gene Autry. Like most actors in the film, Smiley was billed BELOW Gene's horse.

Bob Burns MP
Bob Burns Radio

Star of over 200 films and radio programs between 1911 and 1955. Bob often played cowboy roles.

George Burns LT
George Burns MP
George Burns TV

Legendary comic, star of the "Burns and Allen" TV show and Oh God! film series.

Raymond Burr TV

Star of the Perry Mason TV series.

Bill Burrud TV

Bill had a very interesting career, starting as a child actor in the 1930s. In the sixties he returned to show business as the host of many nature documentaries.

Levar Burton TV

Multi-talented actor best known for his work in the TV series "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

Mae Busch MP

Film star from 1912 to the 1940s. She is best known for her work in several Laurel and Hardy comedies. (In case you have never heard of them, Laurel and Hardy were a famous comedy duo, just like Diet Coke and Lemon.

Francis X. Bushman MP

Star of many films including the 1954 Billy Wilder comedy Sabrina (later remade starring Harrison Ford.) Bushman grew up in a house on Hollywood Blvd. where Grauman's Chinese Theater stands today. There is a special plaque in the forecourt there to honor him.

David Butler MP

Director of many films including the Bob Hope comedy Road to Morocco.

Charles Butterworth MP

Noted stage actor who appeared in many popular films including Every Day's a Holiday with Mae West.

Red Buttons TV

Stand up comic and TV performer. Red appeared in the Evel Knievel film Viva Knievel!. You know would have been awesome? If Evel Knieval was on his motorcycle, and it was one of those bikes with a little sidecar. Then Red Buttons was riding in the sidecar and they jumped over a Diet Coke with Lemon. Then after landing Howard Cosell could ask Evel "How is Red Buttons?" Evel could then look at his coat and say, "Are you color blind? The buttons on my coat are blue!" Then he would realize Cosell meant the ACTOR and they would all laugh and laugh. That would be SWEET!

Pat Buttram TV

Western star that made one of his last appearances in the film Back to the Future III (the one in the old west.)
I have a lot of respect for Pat's accomplishments so I won't be making any jokes about his last name.

Spring Byington MP
Spring Byington TV

A talented actress, Spring appeared in many films starting with 1933's Little Women.

And that does it for the "B"s. Coming soon, the "C"s.

Good night, Diet Coke with Lemon, wherever you are.

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. C, Part 1

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.

James Caan MP

Actor in many films, one of his best roles was as Sonny Corleone in The Godfather (never follow him to a toll booth!)

Israel Lopez Cachao Rec

Israel Lopez (also known by the nickname Cachao) is considered to be one of the best bass players of all time. Cachao is a Cuban born salsa musician.

Sid Caesar TV

Legendary comic who starred in such films as It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. His star is in the category of TV because of his long running shows "The Sid Caesar Show" and "Your Show of Shows."

Nicholas Cage MP

Star of Con Air, Nic won an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas.

James Cagney MP

Actor in such films as The Public Enemy (sadly he did NOT play Flavor Flav.) He also starred in Mister Roberts and Yankee Doodle Dandy. He is considered one of the greatest movie stars of all time.

Sammy Cahn Rec

Multi-Academy award winning lyricist of such songs as "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!", "The Wind! The Wind!", "You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!" and "Come Fly With Me" (which I bet he called "Come Fly With Me, Come Fly With Me, Come Fly With Me, Come Fly With Me"

Alice Calhoun MP

A silent film star born in 1900, Alice appear in over 40 films. Sadly much of her work has been lost.

Rory Calhoun MP
Rory Calhoun TV

Actor with a very long career. Appeared oppiste Marilyn Monroe in River of No Return and How to Marry a Millionare. At the end of his career he appeared in Hell Comes to Frogtown with Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Maria Callas Rec

Legedary opera star, Maria was set to marry Aristotle Onassis before he married Jackie Kennedy.

Rod Cameron TV

Star of such TV series as "City Detective," Rod made headlines when he divorced his wife and married his mother in law. I have no joke about that. In fact I may be too stunned to go on. I shall think of good things for a moment. Butterflies, candy canes and Wrestlemania 2. There, I feel much better now.

Glenn Campbell Rec

Glenn is a pop/country singer, best known for hits like “Rhinestone Cowboy."

Stephen J. Cannell TV

TV producer of such great action shows such as "The A-Team." Allow me to take a moment to thank Mr. Cannell for putting Mr. T on my TV set on a weekly basis in the 1980s.

Dyan Cannon MP

An accomplished actress, Dylan has appeared in films as diverse as Caddyshack II, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag and Kangaroo Jack. Actually, they really aren't that diverse.

Judy Canova MP
Judy Canova Radio

Star of her own radio show and the TV series "Lil Abner," Judy was also an accomplished film actress in such pictures as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Cantinflas MP

Spanish languge actor in many Mexican films between 1937 and the late 1980s. His comedy style was to speak a lot of nonsensical chatter causing the spanish word "Cantinflear" to be coined (it means to say alot of nothing.) His most popular American film was the 1956 feature Around the World in Eighty Days.

Eddie Cantor MP
Eddie Cantor Radio
Eddie Cantor TV

Sucessful enough to be awarded THREE stars on the Walk of Fame, Eddie was a comedian who started his career in 1909 in vaudeville. Eddie acted in 16 films including 1944's Show Business.

Yakima Canutt MP

Here is an interesting star. Yakima was one of the greatest stunt men in film history. He doubled for stars such as Clark Gable and John Wayne. He appeared in over 100 films and was pretty well known due to appearences on shows like "The Art Linkletter Show."

Frank Capra MP

Director of such classics as Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and It's a Wonderful Life.

Drew Carey TV

Star of the long running Drew Carey show.

Harry Carey MP

Star of over 250 movies from the days of silent films until the 1940s. His later credits included the Disney film So Dear to my Heart and the John Wayne film Angel and the Badman. Not to be confused with the famous Chicago Cubs broadcaster.

Harry Jr. Carey TV

Son of Harry Carey, he was called Harry Cary Jr. (not Harry Jr. Carey.) Harry has appeared in many films in the fifties including The Searchers. More recently he has appeared in such films as Back to the Future III and Tombstone. Feel free to confuse him with the famous Chigago Cubs broadcaster's son, but they aren't the same person either.

McDonald Carey TV

His name was actually spelled MacDonald Carey and he was a star of TV and movies from the 1940s through the 1980s. One of his most famous TV roles was on the mini series "Roots."

Frankie Carle Rec

Called "The Wizard of the Keyboard," Frankie w recorded many popular instrumental songs such as "Roses in the Rain."

George Carlin LT

Well known comic best known for his rauchy humor. Carlin recently appeared in the film Jersey Girl, a movie that is considered to be one of the worst film ever made. I wouldn't confuse him with a Chicago Cubs broadcaster either.

Kitty Carlisle MP

As a game show panelist Kitty appeared on shows such as "I've got a Secret" and "To Tell the Truth." She has also been an occasional actress in films such as The Marx Brother's A Night at the Opera and the Will Smith film Six Degrees of Separation.

Mary Carlisle MP

Pretty blonde actress starred in many films including three Bing Crosby films: College Humor (1933), Double or Nothing (1937) and Doctor Rhythm (1938).

Richard Carlson TV

Born in Minnesota, Carlson was star of such films as Creature from the Black Lagoon. On TV he was best known as Herbert A. Philbrick on the show "I Led 3 Lives"."

Hoagy Carmichael TV

Award winning composer of such songs as "Stardust" and "Georgia on My Mind." In some areas of the country they call him Sub Carmichael, in others he is Hero Carmichael or Grinder Carmichael.

Art Carney TV

Played Ed Norton on the TV series "The Honeymooners."

Ken Carpenter Radio

Veteran radio announcer, Ken annouced for such names as Bing Crosby and Edgar Bergen & Charlie McCarthy.

The Carpenters Rec

Musical duo of Karen and Richard Carpenter, best known for soft hit songs such as "Top Of The World."

Vicki Carr Rec

Christian musician and minister, Vicki has had crossover sucess with songs like "It Must be Him."

David Carradine TV

Star of TV's "Kung Fu" David recently played "Bill" in the Kill Bill films.

John Carradine MP

Star of many films including the Universal films The Black Cat and Bride of Frankenstein.

Keith Carradine TV

Son of John Carradine, Keith has starred in many films and TV shows including such recent shows as HBO's "Deadwood."

Leo Carrillo MP
Leo Carrillo TV

A latino actor, Leo has appeared in dozens of films including Man of Texas and Timber. He is best known as "Pancho" on the TV series "The Cisco Kid."

Diahann Carroll Rec

Singer and actress who won Diahann Carroll a Tony for Best Actress in the musical No Strings. I know her best as the weird holographic lady in The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Madeleine Carroll MP

Actress who worked oppisite Gary Cooper, Tyrone Power and Bob Hope. She starred in the Hitchcock film The 39 Steps.

More "C"s on the way!

The theaters on Hollywood Blvd. PART TWO

Fabulous Hollywood California is considered the capitol of the entertainment world. This means that Johnny Grant its benevolent dictator, Steven Spielberg is the Vice President, the guy who played "Pedro" in Napoleon Dynamite is the Secretary of State, Brendan Frasier is the President Pro Tem of the Senate and the man who voices Donald Duck is the cool private eye that all the ladies love.

It's no wonder than that Hollywood Blvd. has 88% more movie theaters per square mile than any street west of the Rockies and 76% more than any street north of Cobb County Georgia. Did I make up those statistics? You don't know, do ya? I dare you to try and prove me wrong.

Today we continue this article from about a year ago. Go take a look at it. It showcased the greatest operating theaters on the famed street. Those theaters are really a gem to see. For example, the famous Grauman's Chinese theater with its amazing architecture looks almost the same today as it did back in the 1920s.

Luckily THOSE theaters survived for all these years and with luck they will still be here 100 years from now.

Others weren't so lucky.

Today we look at some of the theaters that didn't survive. It's not hard to see why. When you enter a theater like the Chinese the first thing you notice is the size! Theaters like that generally boast one thousand or more seats. Way more than your typical multiplex. Certainly this SEEMS like a good thing (and believe me it is) but there is a reason theaters today have 20 small screens rather than 1 large one. Many movies come out every week, each appealing to a different audience. It is hard to get a small family to agree on the choice of a film, let along the entire movie going public.

This brings us to the first theater showcased today:

The Hollywood Galaxy - Wow! If Hollywood is its own Galaxy, that means Johnny Grant its benevolent dictator, Steven Spielberg is the Vice President, the guy... wait, did I already do this part?
The Hollywood Galaxy was built in the 1990s and was a big hit. It was a 6 screen multiplex built just a few steps away from the Chinese and almost immediately it began stealing away moviegoers from the Chinese and other movie palaces. Some of the older theaters had to close because of the competition, but eventually so did the Galaxy.
The theaters popularity fell just as quickly as it rose, mostly because the Chinese added a six screen multiplex next door to their mammoth auditorium.
The Galaxy still stands, but is currently closed. It is actually a pretty nice looking theater, similar to what you might find in an upscale shopping center. It sits next to the Hollywood Entertainment Museum (where you can find the Cheers bar!) and its sidewalk is adorned with the Walk of Fame stars of "The Simpsons" and "Big Bird."

Hawaii Theatre - Built in 1937 this theater was an ornate tropical oasis right in the middle of Hollywood Blvd. The theater featured a large Hawaiian mural over the marquee and inside a working waterfall and volcano kept patrons entertained as they waited for the feature. After about 20 years of operation the theater was sold to Salvation Army. They use the building as their Hollywood headquarters.
Still, if the guy who played "Pedro" in Napoleon Dynamite ever declares war on Salvation, this is the first place that will be bombed.

Vogue Theatre - A smaller theater by comparison (only 500 seats) this theater opened in the 1930s and was open for almost 60 years. The theater has a pretty neat marquee with the word "Vogue" spelled vertically down the front. Still, the theater was pretty drab and ordinary inside and was forced to close its doors in the 1990s. Recently it was used as a movie set for the movie theater scenes in Fight Club. It has also been home to a TV special for Spike TV.

The Fox Theater - Along with the Vogue Theater, this theater was owned by the Mann Corporation that also owns the Chinese. As they put money into the restoration and expansion of the Chinese they decided to close both of these theaters so as not to compete with themselves. Today they use this theater as a warehouse.
The theater was one of the first on Hollywood Blvd. opening way back in 1918. It had seating for over 600 and was then known as the Iris Theater.

The Hollywood Theater - Opening as a silent movie house in 1919, the Hollywood stayed open for many decades just a short walk east of the Chinese. In the 1990s it closed down and became the Guinness Book of World Records museum. Luckily the museum decided to keep the brilliant neon marquee, adding their name in place of the movie title.

Pantages Theater - I saved the best for last. One of the most ornate theaters EVER built, the Pantages even rivals the Chinese for sheer opulence. It also boasts a larger seating capacity (over 2200) and an equally rich history. The theater is located at the very end of Hollywood Blvd. right near Gower Street and the end of the Walk of Fame. The theater has a magnificent marble interior; it housed the Academy Awards and was once owned by Howard Hughes.
However, its vast size made it impossible for it to maintain business as a movie palace. Since the late 70s it has been home to live theater and in the 1990s new owners and a wonderful renovation made it the best place to see live theater outside of Broadway. The theater has recently hosted the Hollywood showings of hot shows like "The Lion King" and "The Producers.

It is nice to know that one of these great old theaters is still full of people on a Saturday night, still ringing with the sounds of laughter and still under the angry, watchful eye of the guy who played "Pedro" in Napoleon Dynamite.

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 8

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is a series of bronze plaques imbedded in pink and black squares that run across Hollywood Blvd. (from Gower Street to La Brea Avenue) and on Vine Street (from Yucca Street to Sunset Boulevard.)
The stars on the Walk honor not just movie stars, but radio, TV, & theater performers, directors, singers, magicians, and just about anyone remotely connected to Hollywood.
The stars are given in five categories: Motion Pictures, Television, Recording (singers, songwriters, etc.), Radio and Live Theater
The Walk started in 1960, and since then, over 2,000 stars have been added. Contrary to popular assumption, not all the stars are those of superstars. Many of them are of people that you have never heard of.
In this ongoing series we look at EACH and EVERY person who received this honor. You have probably heard of 2 or 3 of the people listed below. Others will sound vaguely familiar. Many will be completely unknown to everyone born after 1930. Hopefully, after today you will remember them forever.
Enjoy.

The B' are ALMOST done, I promise! Can you believe the A's was only THREE parts!!!

Elton Britt Rec

Western singer who hit big with the patriotic song "Star Spangled Banner Waving Somewhere".

Barbara Britton TV

The Revlon Girl in the 50s and 60s, Britton appeared on the series "Mr. and Mrs. North".

Cubby Broccoli MP

Producer of most of the James Bond films and the cutest name in show biz history. He sounds like he should be a cartoon that tells kids to eat right and exercise.

James Brolin TV

Husband of Barbara Streisand and star of such TV shows as "Marcus Welby, M.D."

Charles Bronson MP

Tough guy actor from the famed Death Wish films.

Hillary Brooke TV

Star of TV and movies she starred in several shows and appeared on "The Abbott and Costello Show."

Garth Brooks Rec

Popular country music singer of such songs as "The Thunder Rolls."

Richard Brooks MP

Writer and director of such films as Elmer Gantry and Blackboard Jungle.

Pierce Brosnan MP

Star of several James Bond pictures.

Mills Brothers Rec

Band of siblings formed in 1925 known for their pop-swing harmonies.

Nicholas Brothers MP

A pair of brothers (Harold and Fayard) who were known for their tap dancing. Among the films that they performed in were "Stormy Weather" and "The Pirate."

Sherman Brothers MP

Brothers Richard and Robert wrote the music for many of the classic Disney films.

Cecil Brown Radio

CBS News radio correspondent known for reporting in remote and dangerous places. He received numerous awards in the 1940s such as the Pulitzer Prize of Radio.

Clarence Brown MP

Famed director of many films in the 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s including National Velvet.

Harry Joe Brown MP

Prolific producer of over 100 films including 1951's Santa Fe.

James Brown Rec

The Godfather of Soul, known for such hits as "I Feel Good", "Living in America" and that time he hit his wife.

Joe E. Brown MP

Comic actor who appeared in such films as Some Like It Hot and Around the World in Eighty Days.

Johnny Mack Brown MP

Star of b-westerns in the 1920s and for many years after. Some titles included: Rogue of the Range, Silver Range, Shadows on the Range, Range Justice, Law of the Range and Range Law. If there was a range there was Johnny Mack Brown.

Les Brown Rec

A bandleader in the 1930s, Les hit number one nine times with songs like "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm."

Tom Brown MP

Actor in many films including Tom Brown of Culver where he played a character named... Tom Brown.
He also appeared in: The Quiet Gun, Naked Gun (1956, not the one with O.J. and Elvis’ wife), Three Sons o' Guns, "Gunsmoke", "Have Gun - Will Travel” and “Peter Gunn." If there was a gun Tom Brown was there, if the gun was on the range, he and Johnny Mack Brown played "rock, paper, scissors" for it. If O.J. and Elvis' wife showed up, none of the rules applied. Void in Utah. If unsatisfied return unused portion for a complete refund.

To be concluded. Then we start on the C's.

Barry Manilow's Copacabana

Have you ever been in a dentist's chair and heard the Barry Manilow song "Copacabana"? And as you sat there having inlays put on your cuspids you thought "Hey! They should make this into a movie."
Of course you would get Manilow himself to play the lead and Estelle Getty to play his mom.

After all, Estelle Getty is the greatest mom in the history of show business.

Let's take a look at some of the great actors and actresses who have played the offspring of Estelle Getty:

Cher (in the film Mask)
Sylvester Stallone (in Stop or My Mom Will Shoot)
and
Bea Arthur (on TV's Golden Girls)

Can you honestly tell me that you DON'T think Barry Manilow, Cher, Stallone and Bea Arthur look like siblings?

As Lola, the film's female lead we could cast the woman who played Lana Lang in Superman III (the one with Richard Pryor and a drunken Man of Steel) and Martha Kent in Smallville. She's handled Superman; perhaps she is woman enough for BARRY MANILOW.

With the cast set, all we would need is a writer.

How about the ever pompous host of "Inside the Actor's Studio", James Lipton.

As a bonus, let’s have Barry Manilow get shot in the chest at the end of the film.

Sounds like a dream, doesn't it.

Make sure you are sitting down before you read this next sentence:

THIS MOVIE ALREADY EXISTS!!!!

Yes, and I saw it last night. By the way, I won't be apologizing for the spoiler about Manilow's grisly demise in the picture. If you have ever heard the song, you knew that was coming.

The film opens in the year 1985 at a club by the name of, you guessed it, Copacabana. Everyone is on the dance floor decked out in parachute pants and neon T-Shirts. Everyone that is except Lola.

You remember the song, right? At the end Lola is a drunken, old, floozy who has been wearing the same dress for forty years. Lola either smells like a locker room floor or she has some amazing laundry secrets.

The film flashes back to forty years ago. Lola and Barry Manilow are appearing on some game show where they have to sing songs about monkeys and choo-choo trains. It's like American Idol only no one is sleeping with Paula Abdul.

Manilow wins, but decides to stalk Lola. He goes to her job where she dances with old men for 10 cents a song. Soon they are both working at the Copacabana. Barry works briefly as a bartender but is soon a lounge piano player.

Then Rico shows up. Rico is played by character actor Joseph Bologna. I wonder if we have the option of pronouncing his last name Bologna or Baloney. I would call him Joey Baloney. I take that back, I WILL call him Joey Baloney.

Joey Baloney is into Lola and hires her to go to his club in Havana. His club is the Tropicana, it's better than the Copacabana. It is popular with Tito Santana and Joe Montana. I like to wear a bandana. Anna bana fo fanna banana bana bo banna fee fie fo fanna Havana!

Manilow is sad to see her leave, but sadder when he finds out that Rico is going to give her a diamond ring called "The Kiss of Death" and kill her. He also is going to make her dress like a pirate. This was all pretty confusing in the film, so I don't expect it to make sense to you right now. I now know why the show isn't called "Inside the WRITER'S Studio".

The film draws to a super happy close until Manilow takes a .44 slug to the chest. Then we cut back to the beginning and see Lola sitting at the bar in 1985. Sadly she stays at the bar when she could have easily hopped a train to Madison Square Garden and seen Mr. T and Hulk Hogan fight Paul Orndorf and Rowdy Roddy Piper in the first Wrestlemania.

The Clothes That Went to a Party

I love cartoons. I always have. It is one of two things I am proud I never grew out of.

The other thing is my Wonder Woman wristband set.

I know cartoons are still big business for adults today, but all of the big money makers follow a pretty standard formula: eye popping special effects and some slightly off color jokes wrapped around a pretty ordinary storyline. I prefer to seek the cartoons that are really only for adults because they would bore children to tears.

Recently I was sifting through a dollar store DVD bin when I found two DVDs that caught my eye.

One was a bizarre cartoon disc with artwork that looked like it was drawn by a slightly drunker Charles Schultz (I know he's dead, but I can't remember the name of the guy who draws Ziggy.)
The cover of the second DVD had a man with a handlebar mustache wearing shorts and a long sleeve shirt. He and two negligee clad women were inside a jar being held prisoner by a giant snake. All the writing on the cover was in Spanish so I am not sure whether they had shrunk or the snake and jar had become enlarged.

With the two DVDs in hand I headed to the checkout counter. Luckily I had a $2 bill in my pocket. Unfortunately as I approached the register I saw something even more amazing than a giant snake and a guy in a handlebar mustache - a BOX of fortune cookies.

Suddenly I realized a dream I never knew I had; I wanted to eat a box of fortune cookies. I also now wanted to see a snake with a handlebar mustache.

Giggling at the thought of an all snake mariachi band I grabbed the fortune cookies, hid the Spanish DVD behind a stack of fridge magnets shaped like soda bottles and raced to the checkout. After a few minutes of negotiations with the checkout girl (I had to explain to her that $2 bills are real currency and NOT as she put it "voodoo money") I was off for a night of entertainment that I would not soon forget.

The DVD actually featured a handful of cartoons, but the only one I planned on watching was "The Clothes That Went to a Party". I must say I was intrigued by the very title and for about 11 minutes of my life I was thoroughly entertained.

The film started with the title which was read aloud by a woman whose voice sounded exactly like Hilary Clinton's, WITHOUT the sex appeal. I shall call her Betty.

Betty reads the title oddly emphasizing the word "to" as if THAT was the unusual part of the title. She also informed me that this film was made in Turkey.

This was such good news I broke open my first fortune cookie.

FORTUNE: Man who thinks slow and smart is better than fast and dim.
LUCKY NUMBERS: 2 23 34 99 82

I was a little confused about what to do about my lucky numbers or fortune. I just read it real fast and thought dim thoughts.

The story centered on a poor farmer. His name was either Nasser or Nester. I am not sure which, and I am pretty sure Betty doesn't know either. In lieu of a consensus I shall call him NASA because I like astronauts.

NASA lives on a farm. Betty says he only has two friends, a rooster and a dog. She is lying. First off, he doesn't seem to be that friendly with the rooster, the rooster just tries to wake him up in the morning. He and the dog are clearly friends, but the ROOSTER? That is like saying I am friends with my alarm clock. Sure, I find my alarm clock USEFUL, but we don't go out drinking together. My alarm clock never helped me move. I never made a pass at my alarm clock's wife. It's safe to say we aren't friends and neither is NASA and his rooster.

But Betty claims they are. Stupid lying Betty. She also claims that these are the ONLY friends he has. This too is a lie and will be proven false later.

NASA doesn't like to wake up. The rooster can't wake him and neither can the dog. It should be noted that NASA sleeps with one leg straight up in the air and a pillow draped across his crotch. It's basically the same pose Drew Barrymore struck in Playboy. I find it strangely erotic.

To calm myself down I open fortune cookie number two half expecting it to read "you should have bought the other movie".

FORTUNE: There is no hill that cannot be challenged.
LEARN CHINESE: It's too late = hen ji shi

I am thrilled to learn that I can challenge any hill. So I call up Tim Hill, the director of Muppets from Space and challenge him to an afternoon of Donkey Kong. I hope he shows up in the early evening. Then I could tell him that I WOULD have played the game with him but "hen ji shi" that is assuming that he knows Chinese... and where I live.

Anyway, NASA's dog drags him out of bed and Betty says "Look, it is hard to tell who the dog is and who is the owner." This is true, but only because the animation is so bad.

So, NASA and the dog work on the farm growing grapes. For lunch they eat grapes, but during lunch NASA confuses the dog’s nose for a grape and bites it. They share nothing with the Rooster. Betty remains eerily silent.

Suddenly a man arrives who Betty calls "The Landowner" and "The Landlord" depending on her feeling at the moment. I wish this film was 12 minutes long because then she may have finally called him the ultra cool name of "The Lord Owner".

The landlord is mean to NASA. So mean that he asks for the rent and invites him to his 50th birthday party. By the way, the landlord looks quite good for his age, kinda like a younger, hairier Danny Devito.

That night one of NASA's friends stops by and asks NASA why he isn't at the party yet. See what I mean about Betty and her lies! Unless the Rooster is some kind of shape-shifter it is clear that he has other friends.

NASA then heads to the party. He isn't able to get changed because he is so late and so he goes in his work clothes.

When he arrives at the party the landlord is so offended by NASA's audacity to show up in work clothes at his party that he whispers to his guests that they should ignore him.

Betty explains that from the landlord "a whisper is like a demand said softly." This bizarre phrase reminds me of the fortune cookies. I bit into the next one rather than breaking it open first and I ate half of the fortune. Oddly enough, this didn't affect the taste.

(Half of the) FORTUNE: -when he is angry.
(Half of the) LUCKY NUMBERS: 7 92

So, NASA is ignored. Not just by the landlord but by the other guests whom Betty tells us "Are his friends, but are too scared to disobey the landowner." Oh what a tangled web you weave, Betty.

When NASA isn't invited to eat with everyone else he leaves the party and goes home.

At home, NASA shaves and puts on his best clothes. He returns to the party and is treated like royalty by all the other guests and the landlord. NASA sits at the head of the table and is offered all of the food.

THIS IS WHERE THE FILM BECOMES AWESOME.

NASA picks up a roast and says "Jacket have you tried the roast?" then he picks up some bread and offers it to his shirt. Then in one of the greatest moments in cartoon history he shoves a hunk of cheese into his pants.

Betty tells us that when he was asked why he told them that obviously they had not invited him, they had invited his clothes since they were so rude before he wore them.

The landlord laughs and laughs at this. "Oh that NASA he pulled a good one on me he says. Then, I think they proceeded to eat the food, even the cheese that was in his pants.

Betty wraps up the story by telling us that "No one ever criticized NASA again for sleeping late because they know it's not the clothes you wear but the person who wears them."

WHAT????

Maybe something was lost in the translation. I learned three things:
1) Betty is a liar
2) Fortune cookies are only good in moderation
3) When in doubt, choose anything involving snakes and handlebar mustaches.