Remember that scene in Big where Tom Hanks went to fortune teller machine and then became an adult. Then he falls in love with Elizabeth Perkins making her a pedophile?
Well, I recently came across a few of those fortune teller machines and I decided to review them for you.
This is the typical machine I think of when I think of fortune teller machines (which oddly enough takes up quite a bit of my time.)
Swami, like all the others we will be looking at, is about the size of an old phone booth and features a bearded man in a golden turban. His shirt and scarf reminds me of something that Larry would wear on Three's Company.
He has a statue of Buddha in front of him.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: 61%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "You will be on American Idol season 28."
POLITICAL AFFILIATION: Green Party
Esmeralda is another traditional type of fortune teller. She comes with a crystal ball. She looks like Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: 88%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "You will need knee surgery by the time you are 65."
FAVORITE PRO GOLFER: K. J. Choi
Natasha is just like Esmeralda except she is a commie.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: 74%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "You will not fly without a plane."
FAVORITE UNNECESSARY MEDICAL PROCEDURE: Vertebroplasty
Sir Lancelot. Sure he was known for cutting off the heads of those who sat at his round table (or was that Robin Hood?) but here he cuts off the head of your fortune.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: 541%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "Don't eat things you find in the men's room."
FAVORITE HANNA BARBERA CHARACTER: Vin Diesel
Zeus was the King of the Gods. Here he looks like Santa Claus and sports a sweet red toga and a kickin' blue ring. He has a crystal ball too.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: 100%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "Fortune card tray empty. Please reorder."
FAVORITE GREAT LAKE: Huron
Moochie is a goofy old sailor who has a crystal ball and a pooch. Not sure which one he takes advice from.
ACCURACY OF PREDICTION: -1%
POSSIBLE SAMPLE PREDICTION: "You know where I can get beer and hardtack around here?"
FAVORITE TYPE OF SALT: Iodized Salt
There you have it.
In conclusion: never use real cranberry sauce. People really like it better from the can.