If you have, you can tune out now. Go look at my buddy Michael "Kid" Blount's page and hear him drone on about his "future girlfriend."
If you have never been to myspace.com/bunchojunk pay close attention because I am going to tell you what to look for when you actually do take the trip across the web.
THING TO LOOK FOR #1:
When I started the Myspace page back in May of 2005 I posted this photo of me from a Halloween 2004. I have changed it a couple of tines, but I have found that the image of a man dressed as a snack food - dressed as a cowboy draws in the most people.
More people visit my Myspace page, more people visit bunchojunk.com.
More people visit bunchojunk.com, more... uh... I guess that's the end of the chain.
Anyway, under my name you will find my "headline." The current one is a quote from WWE legend Dusty Rhodes.
For a long time it simply read "Dewey Beats Truman." Get it? Because it's the HEADLINE?? Trust me, if this was 1948 you would be laughing. How do I know?
Because I am 99 years old.
Or at least that's the wacky age I gave to Myspace. I bet you are laughing now.
THING TO LOOK FOR #2:
My (hundreds of) friends
At first glance it's SHOCKING how many friends I have. The sad fact is these people aren't my real friends. They never call, they rarely write, I sure couldn't borrow $10 from them.
In fact I haven't even met most of them. Take another look at the photo of my friends. I went ahead and circled all the ones I HAVE met in read. Even they aren't that reliable. The Phillie Phanatic would NEVER give me a ride to the airport and I only met Jay once.
We exchanged pleasantries, took a photo together, swapped chicken pot pie recipes and that was it.
Still, Jay and a couple hundred other people are my friend. You can be my friend too, just click the "add to friends" link.
If were lucky Jack Skeleton and Weird Al Yankovic will both still be on-line when you do. Then we can all hang out in cyberspace.
THING TO LOOK FOR #3:
Links, links and more links
I will be honest with y'all. The ONLY reason I have a page on Myspace is to direct people here. And I can be pretty sneaky about it.
Every image in this image (whoa! Wrap your head around that sentence, buddy!) is a link to someplace on bunchojunk.com.
I just hope someone lets their mouse linger over top of a photo of TV's Jeffery Tambor and then their cat steps on the keyboard transporting them to some Tambor themed article.
This page has more links than a sausage factory (obviously I mean one that makes sausage links, not sausage patties.)
Between the links you can see some of my Myspace bio.
In case you care, here is what it says:
Considered by all the father of our country, Guy Hutchinson was both the commander of the Revolutionary Army and the President of the United States. Washington was elected unanimously after the Constitution was ratified.
It's either funny or just a big fat lie.
THING TO LOOK FOR #4:
The blog is where I shamelessly cut and paste articles from this site and then combine them with... you guessed it... more links back to bunchojunk.com.
You may notice that the blog features a space for comments AND/OR "kudos." That means there are 2 ways for people to ignore my writing.
THING TO LOOK FOR #5:
Comments about pro wrestling
Although it's not often mentioned HERE, wrestling is a surprisingly popular topic on the Myspace page.
This trio of comments shows wrestler Dennis Stamp in his underwear holding weights and jumping on a trampoline and a dream match for Kurt Ange (who I originally thought was a misspelling of Kurt Angle, but now I find it's some half German, half Chinese guy in Newark.)
It also shows "Craig" quoting me quoting Dusty Rhodes (I'm still trying to figure that one out.)
THING TO LOOK FOR #6:
Random comments about plays & photos of 50 Cent
Here is a good look at the types of comments that appear on the Myspace page. At the top and bottom "Godspell" and "Grapes of Wrath" are being discussed extensively. In the middle we have the greatest celebrity collage every produced.
THING TO LOOK FOR #8:
A giant photo of Bigfoot
You may notice that the whole Myspace page seems out of whack. The reason: the giant photo of Bigfoot.
Sure, Bigfoot is known for his size. But even Sasquatch in high heels is as big as THIS photo.
Don't change the resolution on your monitor, and don't bother to scroll from side to side. This photo is too HUGE. You will never see it all on the Myspace page.
You can see it here:
It's a rather sweet photo of Bigfoot standing in a McDonalds holding a bouquet of flowers as a guy with a giant mustache holds a little girl on the counter.
We could spend hours trying to understand the significance of this photo.
Sadly, I don't have the time. I have to approve some of my newest friends:
Wish me luck, I need to go to the airport next month.