BOJY2: Another Year of Junk

aka: OH GOD! PLEASE NOT ANOTHER ANNIVERSARY POST!

Yes, it has been another fun year writing for bunchojunk.com. I hope it was fun reading it. Here are some random lines from the past 12 months:

May 2005:

Somewhere today in a schoolyard the following conversation is taking place:
KID #1: Knock knock.
KID #2: Who's there?
KID #1: Utah who?
KID #2: You tall, but I short.
Followed by uncomfortable silence.

"I had it with me before I did the form. You know how you always know that your tongue is in your mouth, and then when it's out of your mouth you can tell? That's how I know I lost it there."

The most perplexing domestic problem Harrison faced was the tariff issue. I defy any of you readers to make jokes about tariffs. It's not easy is it? See why I had to stoop to peanut jokes?

Belle also starred in three films with the word "devil" in the title: "The Devil Dodger", "The Devil's Skipper" and "The Devil's Trademark".
I could not find any plot information on these, but these are my guesses:
The Devil Dodger: A poignant film about Kirk Gibson's deal with the devil.
The Devil's Skipper: Alan Hale and Bob Denver play wacky crewmen on a boat carrying the devil for what is supposed to be a three hour tour.
The Devil's Trademark: The devil goes to court to defend his ownership of the phrase "three-peat".

June 2005:

Her work in Hunchback II got her a DVD Premiere Award for best song. Sadly she has to share the award with Jason Alexander and that stiff news anchor from "Murphy Brown" plus it sounds like an award show they just made up over a weekend.

Suddenly I realized a dream I never knew I had; I wanted to eat a box of fortune cookies. I also now wanted to see a snake with a handlebar mustache.

On the bright side, Smokey ROBINSON is willing to hang out with people who play with BOTH matches and lighters.
He just isn't willing to hang out with YOU.

July 2005:

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. I think that might be the one where they talked to whales telepathically. Whales spend most of their time thinking stuff like "do I look fat in this ocean?" and "good lord! Does Ben Stiller have to be in EVERY movie?"

I'll bet you any amount of money that "supplies" means "coconut rum."

5. Children using diapers MUST have _________.
A) proper bathing attire, B) waterproof shorts or C) a permission slip from their toilet

August 2005:

It is not often that reporters laugh. This laughter was so loud and riotous that it could be heard as far away as El Segundo, Redondo, Palo Alto and many other California towns that sound more like a new menu item from Taco Bell.

"What would it be like to eat dinner with the guy who plays Doug's black friend on TV's King of Queens?"

As for Howie Mandel, I ALREADY hate him, but I try not to admit it too often. He looks like a psycho with his head shaved and the goatee. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am scared of him

September 2005:

His name was Ben and one day he came into school and started talking about motorcycles. He loved stupid motorcycles. If ya asked him what he thought of the NAFTA trade situation he would find a way to steer the conversation back to motorcycles. Eventually I just tried to avoid him.

I like his sandals. Very 'Old Testament.' I'm not so sure about the hat, that's not very 'Old Testament.' That’s more 'new Arizona Diamondbacks.'

Well, you probably could count them, but it would take you a while. Then you would have to tell people: "I can't hang out tonight; I have to count Shirley Temple movies."

October 2005:

If it wasn't for the word "Twinkies" scrawled across the costume I would have assumed he was supposed to be a thumb. A queer thumb.

It is worth noting that the rabbit has attended every film so far. He has no life.
Also, the family is joined by a midget matre’de. His name is Juan. He likes to laugh at the funny Adam Sandler movie.

I should drink Mug root beer from this mug as I look at their mugs as I get mugged.
I would make a Harry Potter "muggle" reference here, but I'm just too lazy to think of one.

November 2005:

COWBOY ONE: Time for a spot of tea?
COWBOY TWO: Your jeans don't match your watch. Or your petticoat.

They had some strange gimmicks. One guy was a repo man who would repossess things from his opponents. I am pretty sure he repo-ed a pair of boots from Outlaw Ron Bass at one point. Does that mean Bass had a mortgage at Foot Locker? I hope he did.

We met when it was cold
Your hair smelled nice
Kathy Lee Gifford?
I don't know how to write a haiku

December 2005:

I bet the old guy is like most old people. I bet he just keeps telling the baby that everything was "better in my day."

Albert Einstein stuck his tongue out at someone at some point. I know this because every nerd has a photo of it on his wall.

Alternative rock, independent movies and unsanitary cereal. It was a golden age of edginess.

January 2006:

Tim Curry can't be too proud of that. I bet he stays up at night cursing the name of Tenderheart Bear.

I like the first line because it made me think of the Kevin James show "King of Queens." Also, the title "Raising Hell" makes me think of that movie Raising Helen. It also kinda reminds me of the movie Raising Arizona which sorta reminds me of Arizona congressman Jeff Flake.
His name makes me think of Tony the Tiger. Also Tony Curtis. What a flake.

If he means football great Ernie "The Cat" Ladd, I am not just warned, I am giddy with excitement.

February 2006:

But, you rarely see trough urinals anymore. If you have no idea what I am talking about count your blessings.

Toilet Duck, Toilet Duck!
Like a super cleansing hockey puck.
No more stubborn build up of lime
You keep it clean for months at a time,
It’s triple action clean!
Triple action clean.

1. Having your fingernails ripped out like in that movie Syriana.
2. Getting electrocuted in a pool, as that kid was in Syriana.
3. Having to watch Syriana.

March 2006:

Think how jealous the neighbors would be! Plus, when the sad day comes that the family pooch dies, stick him under the rug and tell people: "Fido was squashed by the Jolly Green Giant."

BUDDY: Hey, wanna go see Woodstock?
SHEMP: Woodstock? The yellow bird from Snoopy?
BUDDY: No.
SHEMP: Then I'm not interested.

Let's see. Theres a guy who married a Spice Girl, one of the Brokeback Mountain guys, HOLY COW: Kurt friggin' Douglas! SPARTACUS, baby!

April 2006:

Could it be that guy in the turkey costume that emerged from an egg at the WWF's Survivor Series ten years ago?

As children we make promises to ourselves. We want to "be an astronaut" one day. Or we say we will NEVER "take a bath" when we grow up.
As we get older we see how much friggin' work it is to join NASA and we develop better hygiene.

The park has a few popular roller coasters inside, but also many rides that are a mirror image of Disneyland rides (assuming that the mirror you are using is one of those mirrors with a painting of some 70s rock band on it that your older brother won at a church carnival.)



So, did any of this sound familiar? Don't feel to bad if it didn't, I forgot most of it, too.