Friday, January 06, 2006

Dear bunchojunk: The "Hate Mail" Edition

In the past 20 or so months this website has gotten me a lot of things. Actually, not that many things. I think I got a coupon for fast food and a couple of movie passes.

But one thing I did get is PLENTY of hate mail.

Yup, people hate me. They hate this site and they hate you for reading it. This may make you hate them, but that only gives them more reason to hate.

In the interest of stopping the hate, I am going to share some of the letters with you. That way we can all put it behind us.

I have left out the four letter words and changed the email addresses and names. I have changed the all to Vice President Dick Cheney.


LETTER 1:
How dare you speak the Rev Runs name! You think you are oh so kitschy. Look I have a picture of the Fat Boys, now I am cool. You better get your mom to buy you a grave. Run would kill you if he didn't have so many other fires to put out. I know the cat and you don't even rate. Consider yourself warned.
-dickcheney@whitehouse.com


The writer was someone who likes Run D.M.C. and doesn't like my playful prodding at their wacky lyrics. I'll consider myself warned. Especially since he knows "the cat."
If he means football great Ernie "The Cat" Ladd, I am not just warned, I am giddy with excitement.


LETTER 2:
Your site used to rock. Now it just sucks. Why don't you update it more. What did you find something better to do or just get bord.
-dickcheney@whitehouse.com


Why don't you use question marks. Are you afraid of question marks. Can I ask you a question. Is it alright if I put a period at the end of a question. Stupid Dick Cheney.


LETTER 3:
Hi, I have been reading for a long time and I must say that I am disappointed in the lack of new material. You used to make 4 or 5 a week and now it's down to 1 a week, it seems. Please give us more, we need it!
BTW: I hate you.
-dickcheney@whitehouse.com


Another letter from someone who doesn't know how to use a question mark. Sure, they didn't ask any questions, but even if they had I doubt there would be any question marks. Prove me wrong, Cheney.


LETTER 4:
Dear Mr. bunchojunk,
he National Italian American Foundation (NIAF) will host a bi-partisan rally in support of the Supreme Court nominee, Judge Samuel Alito, Jr., with the Italian American community.
Guests Include Honorable Donald DiFrancesco, former Acting Governor of New Jersey; Justice Marie L. Garibaldi, former New Jersey Supreme Court Justice; Thomas Gentile, Esq., former clerk for Judge Alito and partner with the firm of Lampf, Lipkind, Prupis & Petigrow; Honorable Frank J. Guarini, former New Jersey democratic Member of Congress; and Assemblyman Paul DiGaetano. Entertainer Joe Piscopo will also be speaking at the event.
Sincerely,
Dick Cheney (oddly enough it really IS from him!)
P.S. I hate your site and wish you would update it more.


ALRIGHT! I get it! I need to update the site more! Run D.M.C. deserve more respect! Dick Cheney is full of hate! Question marks are "so five minutes ago!"

I will work as hard a possible to change these things ASAP.

Thanks for all your letters of love and hate!

11 comments:

  1. Any further questions?

    Or should I say "Any further questions."

    See, I put a period there. I wish I could have capitalized it so that you would notice it. Write to your congressman and demand capital periods.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just loved the movie version of the Samuel Alito, Jr. Story! He is a real hometown hero, in fact the current school board in his hometown was caught scamming the public to score tickets to the live performance. I personally liked the movie better. I saw part of this movie on television so it was edited and thus shorter, and more importantly it was free. If you don't spend money on this movie, it's a pretty good time waster. It's stupid, no doubt, but it's not really as bad as most reviewers have said (that's not saying a lot, though). Alito's evil twin was a pretty cool character only in that this is the kind of movie that involves evil twins, bad robots, and cannibal hillbillies. And, hey, there are people who love this kind of movie! It is to them that I heartily recommend this. For everyone else, this is the movie that will make you REALLY appreciate "the Fifth Element".

    I think Oscar Winning Milos Forman did a fascinating (if not too trashy) look at how without the first amendment, people would not exist. We see an expose on the man, myth and legend of Sam Alito, Jr. (played to damn close perfection by Craig T. Nelson) who gets severe backlash from censors, liberals, church people and just people in general. But, we see his struggle to fight back at any cost (even his legs) to send a message- just because you don't like doesn't mean you can't let me be the next member of the Supreme Court. Forman directs this pumped drama with 5-star performances from the entire cast. Never ashamed and always On the edge, this film has a place not only in film history, but in county’s also. The real Alito appears as a Cinncinatti judge, Norm MacDonald appears as a reporter and Fred Dalton Thompson appears as a US Senator. A+

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  3. Evel Knievel Fan1/11/2006

    You know what would be AWESOME?? If all the people who hated you suddenly cornered you in a dark alley and you couldn't escape. Your enemies all had torches and stakes and had closed in on you, but then out of now where Evel Knievel jumps over them, snagging the back of your shirt with his hand. You two jump over a fence in the alley and he brings you to safety. Oh man that would be SSSSWWWWEEEETTT!!!

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  4. Gene O'Hack1/11/2006

    Gene Hackman is so cool he hates his enemies.

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  5. Mr. Freeze1/11/2006

    Sweetie,

    Thanks for dedicating a whole column to my letters.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The Riddler1/11/2006

    I over use question marks. Perhaps I could get together with Dick Cheney and form a partnership. He could check my overusage of question marks and I could teach him to use question marks. It would be a beautiful joint venture.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jane Graystoke1/11/2006

    Sweetie - Don't forget this website gave you the whole carpal tunnel thing also...

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  8. Oh come now! How can you hate this site. Be mildy annoyed, sure. But hate?

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  9. Is there really a law firm named Lampf, Lipkind, Prupis & Petigrow.

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  10. I think i did write one of those. And I am REALLY Dick Chayney!

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  11. Visit us on the web at: llpplaw.com!

    We love lawsuits!

    ReplyDelete