How to Repair a Videocassette: The Videocassette

Every six months or so I wind up at a public library. Usually, it's just because from the outside it looked like a bookstore and I like coffee.

Still, with or without a latte, a building full of books can be very cool.

However, the coolest thing in the library on this day was not the books, it was the videocassettes.

Most libraries have a good selection of VHS tapes and DVDs. Not enough to rival a video store, but a whole lot and they rent 'em for free.

After a quick look at the feature films I stumbled into a "do it yourself" section. Dozens and dozens of videos helping people do anything from "birdwatching" to "breastfeeding."

It was truly astounding. If you ever need to master Windows 3.1, they have a tape for you.

The one I decided to borrow was:

How to Repair a Videocassette

The tape starred "singers" Janet and Judy Robinson.

At first I thought it was odd that the tape mentioned that they were singers. Once I put the tape on I found out why:

THEY SING ABOUT VIDEO CASSETTE REPAIR.

Here is the scenario. Janet is smart and knows all about repairing VHS tapes. Her twin sister Judy is a complete moron.

They were my hosts as I watched the tape.

Over the course of 25 minutes we laughed and learned.

Oh, and I cringed at a couple parts.

And I got up to make a snack at one point and decided it wasn't worth pausing.



Janet has a whole bunch of broken tapes and teaches us how to spot the problem with each tape.

Then she says "if it's hard to fix it's not worth fixing."

I was stunned. Not just because those were the exact words I said to 3 of my ex-girlfriends before I changed my number, but because it was the worst advice I have ever heard.

If it wasn't for the fact that she had just sung a song about the differences between VHS and BETA I would have turned the tape off.

Judy shows up in her :work clothes." See, she heard there was work to do so she put on a bandanna and overalls. Perhaps she thought the work was "being Hillbilly Jim."

Smart Janet tells her she doesn't need "those clothes." So Judy starts to get undressed.



Sadly Janet stops her and we move on to splicing.

If a tape breaks, Janet tells us, we should just get some scotch tape and tape it back together.

Stupid Judy then shows up with a pizza slicer.

See, she thought Janet said "slice" not "splice."

I can only imagine the copyright lawsuit Amelia Bedielia had against this tape.

Janet walks us through fixing the door on a tape and how to tell if your VCR is the problem.

Perhaps a clue would be that THIS tape wouldn't play.

However, broken VCRs bring back Janet's number one rule:

"If it's hard to fix it's not worth fixing."

Which also explains how she has not taken Judy to a doctor for her potentially dangerous brain damage.

I hope no one ever asks Judy to make "finger sandwiches." I can see Janet looking at her bloody knuckle stumps and saying "reattaching nerve endings is hard to do, so it's not worth doing."

Judy does seemingly get revenge at the end when she ties Janet up with some un-spooled tape.


It's like "Of Mice and Men," I guess. Lenny just wanted to PLAY with the rabbits.

The Angel in the Eggnog

Coloring book pages usually elicit one of three reactions:

A. Awww, that's cute.
B. Where's my crayons?
or
C. Dude, she is so totally hot.

Well, at least with me they do.

This coloring book page left me with a different reaction altogether:

WHAT IN GOD'S HOLY NAME IS THIS NONSENSE ALL ABOUT!

I have no clue.



It's a baby angel. A rather hard living baby angel, as evidenced by the patch on his elbow and hole in his shoe. He looks either puzzled or surprised as he sits in a cup of eggnog.

What is this implying? What the heck is he doing there. Did we catch him as he attempted to contaminate our nog? Or is he just bathing in the cup. Plus, why would a coffee cup be marked "eggnog?"

Don't normal people drink eggnog either out of a tumbler of off Mrs. Claus' chest?

I have no idea. But, color and enjoy.

Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby"

Ice Ice Baby was one of the most successful tracks of the early 1990s. It has become one of the most derided songs of all time, regularly topping "worst songs of all time" lists.

To be fair, it sounds pretty good. Because the song blatantly rips off Queen's "Under Pressure."

So, what did Vanilla Ice add to track? Let’s take a look:

Yo, VIP, Lets kick it!

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen

Collaborate is defined as "all processes wherein people work together —applying both to the work of individuals as well as larger collectives and societies."
So... he wanted us to work together at... listening. Or stopping.

Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Man, I wish he would tell us about his new invention! Unfortunately, something grabbed him and he lost his focus.
Still, all these years later, I wonder what he had invented.

Maybe it was a toaster that would butter your bread for you! Or, perhaps it was a new kind of teddy bear that could monitor your child's temperature and tell you if he/she got sick. Maybe it was a rotary dial phone that could also be used as a floatation device.

Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Harpoon: is a long spear-like instrument used in fishing to catch fish or other aquatic animals. Usually thrown in a fast, rough motion.
Flow: To move or run smoothly with unbroken continuity, as in the manner characteristic of a fluid.

I'm starting to think Vanilla is stupid. Maybe his invention was a stick figure made of pipe cleaners.

Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow

To recap, he doesn't know when he will stop. On the other hand, he does have a condition that causes him to GLOW IN THE DARK.
This could be from some kind of radiation. If the movies have taught me anything, it's that radiation either turns you into a superhero, or kills you.

So, sadly, maybe he will stop soon. Or he may be the next Green Lantern.

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom

Good lord, the man is trying to kill us all! Now, the Green Lantern I know would never act that way!

Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
You better hit bull's eye, The kid don't play
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

To recap, his rhymes are both dope and deadly. However, when they do not succeed in being the best they can be punishable by forfeiture of land or goods and by possible loss of life or a bodily part under early English law. He then says "love it or leave it" and "you better gain way." He never explains why, so I will assume he was reading bumper stickers or something.
He also tells us that we "better hit the bull's eye," but that kids aren't allowed to play.
Then he offers to solve problems. I can hope that he starts by finding something to keep the kids occupied, since they won't be playing.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vegas are pumpin'

Look, I didn't transcribe the lyrics here, so it is possible that he didn't say "the Vegas are pumpin'."
Maybe someone misheard him.
If not, that is one of the most asinine things I have ever read.

Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal

This is true. I saw him on the "Surreal Life." Someone hit a cymbal behind him and he began washing his hands repeatedly.

Come to think of it, the cymbal actually seemed to trigger OCDs more than actual insanity.

And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, Waving just to say Hi
Did you stop? No -- I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead

Yo -- so I continued to A1A Beachfront Ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis

Less than the bikini? What would you call that? The monokini? Or the kini?

Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of "Eight Ball"
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- All I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, You know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, You, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

He really switched gears on us there, didn't he? Now after launching an extremely dull monologue that gives us a peek into a day in life of ice, he goes to the chorus.

By the way, if we learn nothing else, we should remember to always "get away before the jackers jack."

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it

OH MY GOD! He actually rhymed "poet" with "didn't know it." I thought you had to be someone "cool" aunt to make that rhyme!

My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill

Remember, a chemical spill is a bad thing.

Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast, Other DJs say, "damn"
If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram

And if music was a drug, he'd still have to rip off Queen.

Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Yo -- I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while the DJ revolves it.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Yo man -- Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

Oh! It's finished. Good thing, suddenly I want to go home and kick my juice.

The Toy-let

I find a whole bunch of strange things at the dollar store. I have found bad action figures, weird brands of toothpaste and even a book bag. Well, I guess the book bag wasn't that weird. It was just a good deal.

Anyhoo, I have found the strangest of them all: The Toy Toilet.

The whole concept of a toy toilet seemed strange to me. Why would someone want to play with something so... uh... IT'S A TOILET, DAMMIT!

However, just being a child's plaything based the most revolting piece of furniture in your house would not be enough.

This product is called "The Artful Close Stool." Oddly, "stool" is the only word with any relevance to the product.

The packaging promises to "edify your wisdom" and "improve the children fancy."

What more could you want?

Oh yeah, a toy that isn't a toilet.

Anyway, the Artful Close Stool promises to do 2 things.

#1. If you open the tank a "skull would jump." They ain't kidding. Attached to a small spring is a little skull. Pop the tank open and the skull leaps out.


Not the scariest skull ever, in fact, he looks a little like Johnathan Lipniki. Still, what purpose does this feature serve? Do we want to make kids scared to open the tank since that's where dad hides his drug money? I have no idea.

The other feature is a little more obvious.

#2. Open the lid "any water would jet."

What they mean by that grammatical nightmare is that this toy is kind of a water gun and the lid is the trigger. It works and it's a relatively cool prank to pull on someone. However, it hardly shoots the "15 feet" that was promised.

Maybe they just meant you should shoot it at 15 people's feet.

That would improve the children's fancy in all of us.

A Mascot Game

The Phillie Phanatic's birthday is always an exciting affair. Last year he arrived over the stadium in a helicopter dressed as "Super Phanatic."

This year an all mascot game was scheduled for April 23, 2006.

For a few days before the game the Phanatic made the rounds on the talk show circut. He seemed very excited to be playing a game with all his "mascot friends."

So, it seemed a little suspicious when they announced before the game that it was going to be a surprise.

The brought the Phanatic out to the field wearing a blindfold.

Then they REMINDED us that the game was a "surprise" and told us to yell "SURPRISE" when they removed the blindfold.

"He's blindfolded, not EAR-folded!" I shouted, not realizing how stupid that sounded.

Anyway, an all-star set of mascots was ready to play baseball - or something that vaugely resembled baseball. They were asembled into two teams:

THE NATIONAL LEAUGE
Phoebe Phanatic: The Phanatic's mom, representing the Philadelphia Phillies.
Mr. Met: A man with a baseball head, representing the New York Mets.
Lou Seal: A grey seal, representing the San Fransisco Giants.
Gapper: A fuzzy red monster, representing the Cincinatti Reds.
The Parrot: A green parrot with an oversized beak, representing the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Billy the Marlin: A big smiling fish, representing the Florida Marlins (who incidentally were playing the Phillies later in the day.)

THE AMERICAN LEAUGE
The Bird: An orange and black bird, representing the Balitmore Orioles,
Slider: A bizzare purple and yellow monster, representing the Cleveland Indians.
Wally: The green monster (named after the infamous Fenway outfield wall), representing the Boston Red Sox.
TC: A bear, representing the Minnesota Twins.
Slugerrrr: A buff crown-wearing lion, representing the Kansas City Royals.

Each team was also joined by a bunch of kids. The Phanatic pitched for both teams.

I didn't take any notes, and I don't think anyone kept score, but here are some of the things I remember:

The American Leauge batted first. Every mascot that batted seemed to be thrown out. The kids, however, each hit a home run.

One girl foul tipped the ball and somehow had the audacity to round the bases.

Wally The Green Monster got a solid hit, but was called out when he left the playing feild to attack a man in a Yankee hat. After the man was down The Parrot joined in and the two pummeled him for so long it became a bit horrifying.

Lou Seal was playing second base and at one point he stole second. Stole it and walked away with it.

Slider mistook Mr. Met's head for the "actual" ball. So he hit him in the head with a bat and ran to first. Lucklilly the Phanatic grabbed Mr. Met and dragged him to first where he tagged Slider out with his head.

After the American League scored 4 runs and recorded 5 outs (by my count) it was time for the National League to bat.

Once again the kids got home runs and the mascots were out. Almost every play involved at least one mascot tripping over another mascot.

Gapper stepped to the plate and, rather than hit the ball, caught it. He tried to run it for a touchdown, but was tackled on the first base line.

The Phanatic's Mom got up to bat as the annoucers reminded us how "competitive" the Phanatic was on the mound. As if to prove that, the Phanatic intentionally beaned his mom. A furious Phoebe Phanatic stormed the mound, but was restrained.

After all the National Leauge kids had scored thier home runs, and all the mascots were out the Phanatic asked if he could bat. He did, and he hit a homerun. Not a "legit" homer, but it was as legit as any of the ones the kids scored.

Throughout the game the other mascots were on hand to entertain kids and pose for photos.

Also at the game were the "Zooperstars" a bizzare group of inflatable mascots that danced and performed skits with the Phanatic.

An All Mascot Baseball Game

The Phillie Phanatic's birthday is always an exciting affair. Last year he arrived over the stadium in a helicopter dressed as "Super Phanatic."

This year an all mascot game was scheduled for April 23, 2006.

For a few days before the game the Phanatic made the rounds on the talk show circuit. He seemed very excited to be playing a game with all his "mascot friends."

So, it seemed a little suspicious when they announced before the game that it was going to be a surprise.

The brought the Phanatic out to the field wearing a blindfold.

Then they REMINDED us that the game was a "surprise" and told us to yell "SURPRISE" when they removed the blindfold.

"He's blindfolded, not EAR-folded!" I shouted, not realizing how stupid that sounded.

Anyway, an all-star set of mascots was ready to play baseball - or something that vaguely resembled baseball. They were assembled into two teams:

THE NATIONAL LEAGUE
Phoebe Phanatic: The Phanatic's mom, representing the Philadelphia Phillies.
Mr. Met: A man with a baseball head, representing the New York Mets.
Lou Seal: A gray seal, representing the San Fransisco Giants.
Gapper: A fuzzy red monster, representing the Cincinnati Reds.
The Parrot: A green parrot with an over sized beak, representing the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Billy the Marlin: A big smiling fish, representing the Florida Marlins (who incidentally were playing the Phillies later in the day.)

THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
The Bird: An orange and black bird, representing the Baltimore Orioles,
Slider: A bizarre purple and yellow monster, representing the Cleveland Indians.
Wally: The green monster (named after the infamous Fenway outfield wall), representing the Boston Red Sox.
TC: A bear, representing the Minnesota Twins.
Slugerrrr: A buff crown-wearing lion, representing the Kansas City Royals.

Each team was also joined by a bunch of kids. The Phanatic pitched for both teams.

I didn't take any notes, and I don't think anyone kept score, but here are some of the things I remember:

The American League batted first. Every mascot that batted seemed to be thrown out. The kids, however, each hit a home run.

One girl foul tipped the ball and somehow had the audacity to round the bases.

Wally The Green Monster got a solid hit, but was called out when he left the playing Field to attack a man in a Yankee hat. After the man was down The Parrot joined in and the two pummeled him for so long it became a bit horrifying.

Lou Seal was playing second base and at one point he stole second. Stole it and walked away with it.

Slider mistook Mr. Met's head for the "actual" ball. So he hit him in the head with a bat and ran to first. Luckily the Phanatic grabbed Mr. Met and dragged him to first where he tagged Slider out with his head.

After the American League scored 4 runs and recorded 5 outs (by my count) it was time for the National League to bat.

Once again the kids got home runs and the mascots were out. Almost every play involved at least one mascot tripping over another mascot.

Gapper stepped to the plate and, rather than hit the ball, caught it. He tried to run it for a touchdown, but was tackled on the first base line.

The Phanatic's Mom got up to bat as the announcers reminded us how "competitive" the Phanatic was on the mound. As if to prove that, the Phanatic intentionally beaned his mom. A furious Phoebe Phanatic stormed the mound, but was restrained.

After all the National League kids had scored their home runs, and all the mascots were out the Phanatic asked if he could bat. He did, and he hit a home run. Not a "legit" homer, but it was as legit as any of the ones the kids scored.

Throughout the game the other mascots were on hand to entertain kids and pose for photos.

Also at the game were the "Zooperstars" a bizarre group of inflatable mascots that danced and performed skits with the Phanatic.