If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always liked the Fat Boys.

By Fat Boys I mean the rap group, not that I have a thing for overweight guys.

There was so much to like about the Fat Boys. They were funny, they were fat and they rapped. That’s like a horse who won the Triple Crown in my book. Of course if you could find a fat, rapping horse that could win the Kentucky Derby that would be even better.

Well, as I searched through their music catalogue one song stood out. It isn't one of their biggest hits, nor is it a very memorable song for any reason other than that the title is so stupid.

If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always find it strange when they put part of the title in parenthesis. Why? Who decided to do that? For example Carol King's "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" or The Beastie Boys "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)."

Did the band give it the shorter name and then the record company changed it to make it clear what song it was? If so, why did the Fat Boys put "Bruddah" in parenthesis. It's not like there is another song out there called "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"!

MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Have you heard "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"?
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: The one by Bon Jovi or by Barbra Streisand?
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: No, by the Fat Boys.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Oh, you mean "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)"!
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Yeah, that’s the one.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: I haven't heard it yet. Let's put it on and then make out with each other.
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Uh, let's just listen to it.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Can we make out later.
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: I guess so.

Well, here it is. The Fat Boys "If It Ain't One Thing its Anuddah (Bruddah)"?

Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, all these problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man

Oh wow! This is going to be deep. I wonder which of the world's problems we will discuss. Maybe terrorism, or hunger, or perhaps pollution. It should be great.

Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Sell a million copies? They put me on a magazine cover
I sell one or two, they claim that I'm played out
My girl nags me at home, so, I shoulda stayed out
I buy a new car, it runs out of gas

Or maybe they will just be babbling about stupid problems that they have that have nothing to do with the world.
That's cool. I hate when you buy a car and they neglect to tell you that it will run out of gas! It's like, I want a car that works, not one that has some kind of problem that causes it to need gas all the time!

In school, I was always gettin' kicked out of class
Mom would say, 'Be like your older brother!'
If it ain't one thing it's another

Ahh, now we are getting somewhere. The jealousy between Prince Markie Dee and his brother (his majesty Prince Douglas Dee.) It is a shame that Markie will have to stand in Prince Douglas' shadow when he assumes the throne. A royal shame indeed.

Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, all these problems

Yeah, life is hard for Prince Markie Dee. His girl yells at him, his new car ran out of gas and he is on a magazine cover. It couldn't be harder.
Well I guess some people have no girl, were paralyzed in a car accident and have nasty paper cuts from reading magazines too fast. Still, Markie has problems and it's good that he is talking them through.

Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for a
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood

HOLD ON A SECOND! He picks up his date? I thought his girl yells at him "at home"! Is Markie CHEATING? Perhaps he is to blame for his own problems.

Drove to City Island for some seafood
$3.99 for all you can eat
Shrimp galore, bon appetit
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Went to the Marriott, paid for a suite
She was anxious even more that me
And, man, I got busy as a bumblebee
When we were done, I drove her home

"We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat" WHAT POETRY! No wonder he does so well with the ladies!

Proceeded to my house, all alone
It started rainin', I was playin' Bobby Brown
I missed my exit, so, I circled around

Aw jeez, RAIN! That is awful! Plus he missed his exit. Also he had to listen to Bobby Brown. That sucks.

And that's when it happened, I didn't get far
A pole jumped in front of my car
I broke my leg, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

OK, I was making light of his problems until now, but this is serious. He crashed into a Polish person and his leg broke. Also, he may have developed a stutter. He is not sure, I think, because he may have a minor concussion. That's pretty sad.

Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
On tour for so long that it wears me down
I've been to every city and every small town
And, after a while, things start to ache
I want my body to move, that damn thing won't shake

I LOVE KOOL ROCK SKI. He's the second fattest of the group! I am not sure what "damn thing" he has that won't shake, but I hope I never find out.

Then, one night, the last date on tour
From that morning my throat was sore
I started gettin' worried, it wouldn’t be long
`Cause the way my throat was hurtin', it would soon be gone
Then, wouldn't you know? You know it, yes
I tried to say somthin' but I was voiceless
Showtime came, I had to lip-synch

That's OK, you won't draw the ire of the public unless you are a 'young female'. We in the music buying public hate young females and we wait for them to fall. Fat guys can lip synch all they want. Look at Luciano Pavarotti. I hear he hasn't sung a note live in over 20 years. It's all off a CD he recorded in one of the "Superstar Sound" recording booths in a theme park in Rome.

It got so wild that I couldn't think
The show was done, a doctor checked my health
I spent the night all by myself
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

Oh wow. He lost his voice and might have developed a stutter, too! How will the Fat Boys ever survive???
The world never knew because "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)" was never released.

Until now! I have found the master sheet of unrecorded lyrics. I hope you like them.

Fat Boys - If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)

Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, there is still problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man
Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Get your car washed it gets dirty again
Go to sleep and you have to wake up.
Clean your clothes and then you have to dry them
Wear some shoes and your socks get jealous.
Buy your socks a diamond ring and then they leave you for some other feet
If it ain't one thing it's another
Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, my socks is some ungrateful hussies!
Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for ya
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood
Went to McDonalds for some seafood
Filet of Fish tasted really great
Eat it in the car because I could wait
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Then I drove her home
I drove her home, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah
Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
We don't tour anymore so I mostly just sit around the house
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

THE HIP HOP ARCHIVE

If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) I always liked the Fat Boys. By Fat Boys I mean the rap group, not that I have a thing for overweight guys. There was so much to like about the Fat Boys. They were funny, they were fat and they rapped. (more)

Run DMC's Rock Box I love old rap songs. I am not sure what it is about them. Maybe it is the joy of hearing EVERYONE called a 'sucker mc.' That is THE INSULT in old rap songs. I wonder if it would work in other situations: (more)

Arsenio Hall rapping in a fat suit The year was 1991. Arsenio Hall was a pop culture phenomenon with his own talk show. And what a show it was. I must admit I never really liked his show. I only watched it a few times and I found him annoying. Here is everything I remember: (more)

Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis Once upon a time Santa came to Hollis Queens. Luckily Run DMC was there to give us a play by play of his appearance. Run DMC: Christmas in Hollis (more)

Christmas Rap It was the greatest album ever released. Christmas Rap Never before have two words looked so good side by side. This album was released at the end of the 1980s, so finally people could listen to 'Christmas in Hollis' and 'Ghetto Santa' on one album. (more)

Run DMC'S Hit It Run Run DMC is perhaps the greatest rap group of all time. They put out many great albums over the years, but perhaps their greatest was Raising Hell. (more)

Run DMC's King Of Rock Ahhh, Run DMC. Perhaps the greatest rap group of all time. In 1985 they released their second LP: King of Rock. Let's take a look at the lyrics to the title track. (more)

Vegas Vic

I'm sure you have seen Vic before.
He was once the biggest star of Las Vegas.

He's the smiling neon cowboy that would wave to the gamblers as they walked the Las Vegas streets. If you can't remember him for that, I bet you saw him in a movie, or parodied on 'The Simpsons' or something.

Built in 1951, Vic stands 40 feet high and in his heyday he could talk. He would bellow "Howdy Partner" to those that entered the famed Pioneer Club. He was built at a cost of $25,000 and remains "the largest mechanical neon sign in the world."

Still, he doesn't look so big anymore. When he was built neon signs ruled Las Vegas (actually the mob ruled Las Vegas, but there were lots of neon signs.) Today, there are ridiculously large hotels that stand so tall that they make Vic look like that little guy who used to be on Seinfeld. You know which one I mean, the midget that used to hang out with Kramer. Vic looked like him without the beard. Although, a neon beard would be AWESOME!!!

Vic may have been beardless, but he did have a smoking problem back in the old days. He had a cigarette that moved and he blew smoke rings.

He was cool. Because back then, smoking was cool. Even cooler than it is now!

At the start of the new millennium Vic was falling apart. Only part of his lights were turned on and only one of his eyes worked. He had also stopped blowing smoke rings and waving his arm. His paint was peeling and he looked awful.

He also didn't speak anymore.

He was actually silenced way back in 1966, when actors Lee Marvin and Woody Strode complained that he kept them awake when they stayed at the nearby Mint hotel. At the time they were filming the movie "The Professionals".

I assume they were staying in separate rooms.

Today Vegas Vic stands proud as part of the Las Vegas Freemont Street Experience it's a collection of neon lights bright enough to make the gamblers forget that they all have a serious addiction and should really be treated. God bless Vic.

As a side note, in the 1980's a girlfriend was built for Vic. She was named Vegas Vicki and she sat right across the street from him to promote a strip club that sat beneath her. She too has become part of the Freemont Street Experience. Check em out if you are in the area.

Sean Young and Batman

Remember Sean Young? You may have forgotten about her. She was an A-list actor back in the mid 1980s.

In Blade Runner (1982) she played the Replicant android Rachel. This was a scene stealing part that made her the toast of Hollywood. By 'toast' I mean that she was the talk of the town, not that people drank when they mentioned her.

Or that she was a piece of bread that had been slightly burned on the outside.

After Blade Runner she had several notable films including the blockbuster thriller No Way Out (1987).

Sean was born in Louisville, Kentucky, on November 20, 1959. Oh, by the way, she is not a man. She just has a name that people associate with men but can be used for either sex.

Other names in this category are Terry and Robin. Isn't learning fun?

Before she hit the big screen, Sean Young trained as a dancer at the American Ballet in New York and worked as a model.

This led to much confusion.

PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: Did you hire the model I needed?
ASSISTANT JOE: Yes, Sean Young.
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: Joe you idiot! I need a woman; this is an ad for feminine hygiene products!
ASSISTANT JOE: Sean Young IS a woman!
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: Really? You mean Sean is one of those names like Terry?
ASSISTANT JOE: Yeah, or Robin.
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: Robin? Name one man with the name Robin!
ASSISTANT JOE: Robin Williams.
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: The girl who married Mike Tyson?
ASSISTANT JOE: No that was Robin Givens.
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: Oh yeah! He was on 'Saved by the Bell'.
ASSISTANT JOE: No, SHE was, and it was 'Head of the Class'.
PHOTOGRAHPER KEN: You’re fired. Jerk.

Whatever became of Assistant Joe is still a mystery. Some say he moved to the jungle, some say he lived as a fisherman forever married to the sea. Still others say I just made him up to fill space.

In the late 1980s Sean had a romance with actor James Woods. Then something went wrong and Woods filed a harassment suit against her. Then Young took out full-page magazine ads to defend her name.

"IT'S NOT A MAN'S NAME" The ads read.

No, I'm kidding. The ads were in reference to the harassment suit. This all led to Sean Young being know as a crazy woman around Hollywood.

Still, she was in demand in the movie business. Soon she was cast in the mega budget film Batman as Vicki Vale. After she started shooting she broke her collarbone during a horse riding scene in the film. The scene was cut from the film and Sean was replaced.

Not willing to walk away from Batman, Sean petitioned Director Tim Burton to cast her as Catwoman.

'Petitioned' is a bit of an understatement.

She went on a mad quest to be cast in this film and refused to let anything stand in her way. She showed up with her entourage searching the Warner Brothers lot looking for Burton.

SHE SHOWED UP IN A CATWOMAN COSTUME.

Burton said he hid from her in a bathroom.

Michelle Pfeiffer was cast in the part, but EVEN THAT didn't stop Sean. She went on The Aresenio Hall Show and Joan River's show wearing the Catwoman costume and doing the interview using the "purrrrfect" Catwoman voice.

So, Sean was considered difficult to deal with and possibly insane. She still worked consistently after that, but never in the same caliber performance.

Her most notable post-Batman part was Lt. Einhorn in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. You may remember this. She played a police officer who was actually a former male football player. It was hysterical.

By the way, there are at least three other Sean Youngs are listed in the IMDB and yes, they are all dudes.

Sacheen Littlefeather Refuses Brando's Oscar

The year was 1973.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was giving out their awards, the Oscars. The hall was full of artists. Across town a group of scientists were huddled around a 13 inch TV in a seedy bar.

Scientist One: Oh, I hope we win something this year!

Scientist Two: No, we won't. They only nominated actors and other "artist" types.

Scientist One: You know if why do they call it "Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences" if they never give us SCIENTISTS a shot??!?!?

Scientist Two: I gotta go to the men's room and empty the 'old Bunsen burner'.
(Then they all laughed and laughed)

Marlon Brando was nominated on five previous occasions; bringing home the statue for the film "On the Waterfront". That was almost 20 years earlier, however, and Brando had become a whole lot weirder since then.

Brando was nominated on this night for his performance as Don Corleone in "The Godfather". Other best picture nominees were Peter O'Toole (The Ruling Class), Michael Caine (Sleuth), Laurence Olivier (Sleuth) and Paul Winfield (Sounder).

They were all losers.

Brando's name was called. What happened next would shock an entire nation. Michael Caine got up and slapped Laurence Oliver in the face saying "Feel the pain from Caine!" Then he gave Paul Winfield 'the finger' and started looking around the room for Peter O'Toole. When he spotted him he said "Don't worry, I like YOU. You smell like cinnamon. I like that."

No, I made that up. If ONLY it were THAT simple.

Instead, the other nominees sat quietly in their seats and a woman in traditional American Indian garb approached the podium.

She said:

Hello. My name is Sacheen Littlefeather. I am an Apache and I am the president of the National Native American Affirmative Image Committee.

I'm representing Marlon Brando this evening and he has asked me to tell you, in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently, because of time, but I will be glad to share with the press afterward, that he must very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award. And the reasons for this being are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry. Excuse me. ... and on television in movie re-runs, and also the recent happenings at Wounded Knee.

I beg at this time that I have not intruded upon this evening and that we will, in the future, in our hearts and our understanding will meet with love and generosity.

Thank you on behalf of Marlon Brando.

The Wounded Knee event was when the Federal government took action on the American Indian Movement's (AIM) occupation of the area known as Wounded Knee. They occupied the site to protest what they "US government treaty violations."

It was a complex issue and certainly one worth discussion. But what did it have to do with Marlon Brando's Oscar?

The audience and home viewers were confused and some booed "Sacheen Littlefeather".

I put her name in quotes for two reasons:

1) I like quotes. I also like to use there symbols (&%^#@~*) but none of them were appropriate in that instance.

2) It wasn't her name. The woman who went to the stage was an actress named Maria Cruz. She had appeared in a number of B-movies, some of them being soft porn. In fact, many people still question her American Indian heritage.

Later that night Best Picture presenter Clint Eastwood said "I don't know if I should present this award on behalf of all the cowboys shot in John Ford westerns over the years." It received a huge laugh (even bigger than that Bunsen burner joke.)

It's unclear what Brando’s true motivation was. Actually, maybe it isn’t. Perhaps I just don't know and am too lazy to look it up. Either way, it remains one of the most interesting moments in Oscar history.

Wisconsin

Wisconsin is the 23rd largest state of the United States, (54,314 square miles) and 18th greatest population (5,453,896 as of 2002). Oddly enough all of them say they are "tired of all this Sponge Pants Man nonsense."

The state's name is an English version of a French adaptation of an Indian word. The Indian word is Meskousing meaning "gathering of the waters," was written as Ouisconsin by the French, and changed to its current form by the English. Kinda like when you would play that game in grade school where you would whisper a sentence to the kid next to you and he would pass it down the line. By the fifth or sixth kid the sentence didn't make sense and now included the word "monkey". Remember that game?

In 1634, Frenchman Jean Nicolet became Wisconsin's first European explorer. He had first tried exploring Japan but had many problems.

JEAN: I am Jean Nicolet.
JAPANESE MAN: Oh, like the gum?
JEAN: What?
JAPANESE MAN: The one that makes you quit smoking. Nicoret.
JEAN: No, my name is Nicolet.
JAPANESE MAN: Right, Nicoret.
JEAN: Good god! Is THAT the punch line? Wow, that was so not worth it.
JAPANESE MAN: My car is a Transformer.

The French controlled the area until 1763, when it was ceded to the British.

After the Revolutionary War, Wisconsin was part of the Northwest Territory. Wisconsin became the 30th state on May 29, 1848. They had a big old cake and sung the state song, changing the last verse to "You look like a monkey and you smell like one too."

Speaking of the state song, it is called "On, Wisconsin!" and was written by J. S. Hubbard and Charles D. Rosa.

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!
Grand old badger state!
We, thy loyal sons and daughters,
Hail thee, good and great.
On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!
Champion of the right,
"Forward", our motto
God will give thee might!

Hmmm, I was about to tell you that the states nickname is "the Badger State" and that their motto is "Forward", but that was all explained in the song. I must say I like that motto. It is much better than the one in New York "Keep lookin' over yer shoulder, buddy."

As for the whole "the Badger State" nickname, the badger has been closely associated with Wisconsin since territorial days. It was declared the official state animal in 1957. An irate opossum was so upset over not being chosen that he moved to Utah where he, ironically, moved in with that Jean Nicolet fellow. Together they manage a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I am not sure why, but no one ever asks about the "Beyond" part after meeting them.

The State Bird is the American Robin, this is also the same State Bird as Connecticut and Michigan.

To learn more about Wisconsin, visit your local library... unless you live in Wisconsin. Then just take a walk... and watch out for the badgers.