You can't spell "cool" without Calvin Coolidge.
Of course you can't spell "acne" or "clod" or "dolt" or "goon" or even "dog love."
But Calvin Coolidge did more than help us spell the words for dermatological disorders and insults from MAD magazine. He served as the 30th President of the United States.
Born on on the fourth of July back in 1872 Coolidge was known as a boy to be a bit of a practical joker.
Yeah, think about that.
Imagine being one of his old pals. "Look, Calvin became President! Remember when he pantsed me. Wow, that was funny."
Anyway, on August 3, 1923, Coolidge was visiting Vermont, Calvin Coolidge was told of the death of President Coolige. Since the family home had no electricity, Calvin (who was Vice President at the time) took the oath of office by the light of a kerosene lamp.
You know, why is it even called a "practical" joke?? What is practical about, say, a whoopee cushion? Is it that "practical??"
Coolidge graduated from Amherst College with honors, and entered law and politics in Massachusetts.
You know, the more I think about it, a whoopee cushion is somewhat practical. If you wanted to embarass someone with flatulance you used to have to feed them gassy foods. That meant you had to prepare gassy foods. Then you had to replace thier Gas X pills with sugar pills and cross your fingers that the timing would ensure maximum embarrasment. Yeah, I guess the whoopee cushion is actually quite practical.
Eventually Coolidge was the Republican Governor of Massachusetts.
After that he ran for President and won.
Blah blah blah he did some kind of tax cut in 1923, blah blah blah foreign policy etc etc.
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHESTER A. ARTHUR:
His nickname was Silent Cal
Was the only president to be born on the 4th of July
He was found dead by his wife in their Northampton home on January 5th 1933 of coronary thrombosis
FUN FACTS I JUST MADE UP ABOUT CHESTER A. ARTHUR:
That last fun fact wasn't really fun, but the word "thrombosis" is
After a little "thrombosis" research and the viewing of some horrible photos I realized "thrombosis" isn't fun
Sometimes horrible photos stay in your brain after you see them
It's impossible to un-see them
Monday, January 22, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Even More Jeffrey Tambor Jokes
A while back I let you in on one of the greatest joys in life... telling jokes about TV's Jeffrey Tambor. That soon I was trying to capitalize on it by slapping together a new list of Jeffrey Tambor jokes.
And now, since I am completely out of ideas for good "junk," heres:
Even More Jeffrey Tambor Jokes
You may remember Jeffrey as that dentist who dated the third blonde on Three's Company or as "that mean guy who twisted Gonzo's nose" in Muppets from Space.
Here are some jokes about him:
Q. How do you catch Jeffrey Tambor?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut! (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is a squirrel.)
Q. How do you communicate with a Jeffrey Tambor?
A. Drop him a line! (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is a fish.)
Q. Why did Jeffrey Tambor dangle his baby over a balcony?
A. Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories. (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is Michael Jackson.)
Q. What did Jeffrey Tambor say to Woody Allen?
A. Got 2 fives for a 10? (Note: this joke also operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is Michael Jackson... or a pedophile who happens to be talking to Woody Allen... or just a guy who really needed change for a $10 bill.)
Q. How does Jeffrey Tambor change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
A. He throws it up in the air and it comes down squash.
Q. What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A. Jeffrey Tambor, dressed as Santa, walking back wards
Q. What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A. One sells watches and the other watches cells... and Jeffrey Tambor has never had sex with a jeweler.
Q. Why did Jeffrey Tambor take an extra pair of socks golfing?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why does Jeffrey Tambor take an extra pair of socks whenever he is going to be walking on uneven terrain for long periods of time?
A. Because he has Osteoarthritis which is a serious ailment of the joints. It's not really a joke. Just an unfortunate side effect of aging.
Q. Why does
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Huge
-Huge who?
Huge you expect... Jeffrey Tambor?
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Dishes
-Dishes who?
Dishes Jeffrey Tambor the star of such films as Muppets From Space.
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Thatcher
-Thatcher who?
Thatcher was some bad Jeffrey Tambor jokes. I really hate bunchojunk for wasting my time.
And now, since I am completely out of ideas for good "junk," heres:
Even More Jeffrey Tambor Jokes
You may remember Jeffrey as that dentist who dated the third blonde on Three's Company or as "that mean guy who twisted Gonzo's nose" in Muppets from Space.
Here are some jokes about him:
Q. How do you catch Jeffrey Tambor?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut! (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is a squirrel.)
Q. How do you communicate with a Jeffrey Tambor?
A. Drop him a line! (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is a fish.)
Q. Why did Jeffrey Tambor dangle his baby over a balcony?
A. Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories. (Note: this joke operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is Michael Jackson.)
Q. What did Jeffrey Tambor say to Woody Allen?
A. Got 2 fives for a 10? (Note: this joke also operates under the premise that Jeffrey Tambor is Michael Jackson... or a pedophile who happens to be talking to Woody Allen... or just a guy who really needed change for a $10 bill.)
Q. How does Jeffrey Tambor change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
A. He throws it up in the air and it comes down squash.
Q. What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A. Jeffrey Tambor, dressed as Santa, walking back wards
Q. What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A. One sells watches and the other watches cells... and Jeffrey Tambor has never had sex with a jeweler.
Q. Why did Jeffrey Tambor take an extra pair of socks golfing?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Q. Why does Jeffrey Tambor take an extra pair of socks whenever he is going to be walking on uneven terrain for long periods of time?
A. Because he has Osteoarthritis which is a serious ailment of the joints. It's not really a joke. Just an unfortunate side effect of aging.
Q. Why does
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Huge
-Huge who?
Huge you expect... Jeffrey Tambor?
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Dishes
-Dishes who?
Dishes Jeffrey Tambor the star of such films as Muppets From Space.
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Thatcher
-Thatcher who?
Thatcher was some bad Jeffrey Tambor jokes. I really hate bunchojunk for wasting my time.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Random Stuff from the IMDB
I love the IMDB, I probably don't go two days without checking it for some reason or other.
Often, I find some strange stuff there and, well, I figure it would be easier to share that with you rather than create some humor on my own.
My laziness knows no bounds.
Here is what I found:
TWO REVIEWS FROM SOME RANDOM DUDE:
I love the fact that he spells it funnyest.
I think that is funni.
I love the choice of Cannonball. So odd. Speaking of odd, note how he uses the double period.
He means Dorf. Like Dorf on golf. Not Dwarf. Not Dwarf on golf. Not in a box. Not with a fox. He likes Dorf, Sam I Am.
Sadly, he cannot eat any cake as he watches because Don Knotts took it.
Heres another review by the same dude:
I am not sure I understand what he is talking about. I guess he says he never saw many ads for this or I Spit on your Grave, but he enjoyed it despite the lack of advertising? I'm a bit puzzled. Whenever I get this confused I try and calm myself by eating some comfort food.
Where is that cake? DON KNOTTS!!!
Ewww.
Is that really a kind of tea? Would go great with cake... arrrgggh!
PHOTO OF GOLDBERG KISSING DAVID ARQUETTE:
IF THE DOLPHIN BIT HIM DISCUSSION:
What if the Dorfin bit him? Or what if it was just a dwarf? And it wasn't trying to bite him, it was about to bite a piece of cake, but Don Knotts stole it?
That would be cool.
BTW, I am not going to reveal the film they are talking about since it might spoil something. I really don't know, I haven't seen Failure to Launch so I won't name it... oh shoot.
But is he in touch with Dorf? Cause I wanted to leave him a message and I lost his number.
AND FINALLY... RANDOM NONSENSE FROM THE SAHARA MESSAGE BOARD:
Often, I find some strange stuff there and, well, I figure it would be easier to share that with you rather than create some humor on my own.
My laziness knows no bounds.
Here is what I found:
TWO REVIEWS FROM SOME RANDOM DUDE:
The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979)
0 out of 1 people found the following comment useful :-
One of the funnyest!, 22 February 2003
I love the fact that he spells it funnyest.
I think that is funni.
I thought this was one of the funnyest movies I have seen.. This almost surpasses Cannonball Run and Cannonball Run 2.. It's a must see..
I love the choice of Cannonball. So odd. Speaking of odd, note how he uses the double period.
Tim Conway was as funny as he has been in some of his other movies like the Dwarf..
He means Dorf. Like Dorf on golf. Not Dwarf. Not Dwarf on golf. Not in a box. Not with a fox. He likes Dorf, Sam I Am.
But I thought Don Kotts took the cake.. I have watched it twice and after writing this I am going to watch it again..
Sadly, he cannot eat any cake as he watches because Don Knotts took it.
Heres another review by the same dude:
Ravenous (1999)
Great strange film, 4 April 2002
I have to rate this, like "I spit on your grave".. I loved the movie, even though there wasn't that many ads showing it in the theater..
I am not sure I understand what he is talking about. I guess he says he never saw many ads for this or I Spit on your Grave, but he enjoyed it despite the lack of advertising? I'm a bit puzzled. Whenever I get this confused I try and calm myself by eating some comfort food.
Where is that cake? DON KNOTTS!!!
I was told about it and just had to see it.. I went and was amazed at it..
I ended up seeing it three times in the theater and renting it from my local rental place and ended up buying it when the price went down... The movie itself stars Robert Carlyle from "The Full Monty" and also stars Guy Pearce from "Alive" and more. one thing I think is strange though.. Guy Pearce is just about always in movies where the eat each other... Not sure why, but anyway, still a great movie....
Ewww.
You'll like it if Hannibal and Alive is your cup of tea..
Is that really a kind of tea? Would go great with cake... arrrgggh!
PHOTO OF GOLDBERG KISSING DAVID ARQUETTE:
IF THE DOLPHIN BIT HIM DISCUSSION:
if the dolphin bit him (spoiler) by n1ckwo1f (Sun Aug 27 2006 22:10:43)
what do you think would of happened if in the end the dolphin bit him? anyone think it should of?
What if the Dorfin bit him? Or what if it was just a dwarf? And it wasn't trying to bite him, it was about to bite a piece of cake, but Don Knotts stole it?
That would be cool.
BTW, I am not going to reveal the film they are talking about since it might spoil something. I really don't know, I haven't seen Failure to Launch so I won't name it... oh shoot.
Would've been funny as *beep* but of course they want to show that he is in tune with nature now that he has moved out of his parents house so therefore the dolphin knows this and doesn't bite him.
But is he in touch with Dorf? Cause I wanted to leave him a message and I lost his number.
AND FINALLY... RANDOM NONSENSE FROM THE SAHARA MESSAGE BOARD:
El Rio del Tiempo: The Mexican Boat Ride in Epcot
El Rio del Tiempo is one of my favorite rides at Epcot in Walt Disney World.
Housed in the Mexican Pavilion is takes you on a tour of Mexico. I guess. I can't really say. The closest I have ever been to Mexico was a Del Taco in the southern tip of San Diego.
But it's supposed to be Mexico.
It's really cool. To get to the ride you have to first enter a giant Mayan Temple looking place around the World Showcase Lagoon.
Inside there is a cool restaurant and a perpetual night sky. The air is always cool and it feels like the perfect summer night in there... all day.
There is a bustling Mexican market and you can buy margaritas. You can even take them on the ride.
Yup, this is the only Disney ride you can ride holding a drink. You can actually get drunk AS you ride.
That is assuming you can get drunk off one margarita... Nancyboy.
Anway... the ride boards right next to the restaurant it's very, very similar to the setup of the Blue Bayou restaurant in Disneyland and Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
On this ride you get into a boat full of strangers and slowly drift past a smaller version of the temple building you are in. It's weird.
Then you pass by a carved sculpture that looks a bit like Tony Hawk and hear a voice over from a guy who sounds like Tony Hawk doing a fake Mexican accent.
Did you know that Tony Hawk has a son named Hudson Hawk? He was born just before the movie so they call him by his middle name...
Road Warrior. His name is Road Warrior Hawk.
No, it's Riley Hawk. But I have a quota: 1 WWE reference per post. It has to be met. Sorry.
Anyway, back to Tony Hawk. Anthony Frank Hawk was born May 12, 1968, in San Diego (not far from that Del Taco I visited.)
Hawk's nickname is the "Birdman". Just like WWE Legend Koko B. Ware (just getting that outta the way so I don't have to mention WWE in the next post.)
He is credited with the invention of many skateboard tricks including the Stalefish, Madonna, and McHawk. All three of which are silly names for "ride up ramp, hold board with one hand."
Tony Hawk also stars in a bunch of video games including Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1, 2, 3, and 4, Tony Hawk's Underground 1 and 2, Tony Hawk's American Wasteland,Tony Hawk's American SK8land Tony Hawk's Project 8, Tony Hawk's Baby Naming Movie Game.
In that one you get to convince other celebrities to name their kids after bad Bruce Willis movies. I once played all the way to level three when I got Jodie Foster to name her son Die Hard 2: Die Hard with a Vengeance Foster.
Lately he has retired from skating competition after completing 900 in the 1999 X-Games. He has also appeared in several movies and was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.
Housed in the Mexican Pavilion is takes you on a tour of Mexico. I guess. I can't really say. The closest I have ever been to Mexico was a Del Taco in the southern tip of San Diego.
But it's supposed to be Mexico.
It's really cool. To get to the ride you have to first enter a giant Mayan Temple looking place around the World Showcase Lagoon.
Inside there is a cool restaurant and a perpetual night sky. The air is always cool and it feels like the perfect summer night in there... all day.
There is a bustling Mexican market and you can buy margaritas. You can even take them on the ride.
Yup, this is the only Disney ride you can ride holding a drink. You can actually get drunk AS you ride.
That is assuming you can get drunk off one margarita... Nancyboy.
Anway... the ride boards right next to the restaurant it's very, very similar to the setup of the Blue Bayou restaurant in Disneyland and Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
On this ride you get into a boat full of strangers and slowly drift past a smaller version of the temple building you are in. It's weird.
Then you pass by a carved sculpture that looks a bit like Tony Hawk and hear a voice over from a guy who sounds like Tony Hawk doing a fake Mexican accent.
Did you know that Tony Hawk has a son named Hudson Hawk? He was born just before the movie so they call him by his middle name...
Road Warrior. His name is Road Warrior Hawk.
No, it's Riley Hawk. But I have a quota: 1 WWE reference per post. It has to be met. Sorry.
Anyway, back to Tony Hawk. Anthony Frank Hawk was born May 12, 1968, in San Diego (not far from that Del Taco I visited.)
Hawk's nickname is the "Birdman". Just like WWE Legend Koko B. Ware (just getting that outta the way so I don't have to mention WWE in the next post.)
He is credited with the invention of many skateboard tricks including the Stalefish, Madonna, and McHawk. All three of which are silly names for "ride up ramp, hold board with one hand."
Tony Hawk also stars in a bunch of video games including Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1, 2, 3, and 4, Tony Hawk's Underground 1 and 2, Tony Hawk's American Wasteland,Tony Hawk's American SK8land Tony Hawk's Project 8, Tony Hawk's Baby Naming Movie Game.
In that one you get to convince other celebrities to name their kids after bad Bruce Willis movies. I once played all the way to level three when I got Jodie Foster to name her son Die Hard 2: Die Hard with a Vengeance Foster.
Lately he has retired from skating competition after completing 900 in the 1999 X-Games. He has also appeared in several movies and was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.
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