Monday, September 25, 2006

Lil James Madison: The Smallest President

Born in 1751, James Madison was to become our smallest President.

Standing five foot four and weighing a slight one hundred pounds, Madison was the cutest little President you ever did see.

Take a look:

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Don'tcha just wanna pick him up and give him a hug? Then muss up his poofy hair so it looks like a big old paper cone covered in cotton candy.

Or maybe one of those funnel cakes. Mmmm. Those are great. With powdered sugar on top. Whoo hoo.

Or maybe like a bucket of chicken...

Uh, I better finish this off so I can go to lunch.

Madison was the eldest of twelve children. I did a little research, if you combined the weight of ALL twelve of the Madison kids it would be just UNDER the weight of the two oldest Baldwins.

Madison was raised in the Church of England which was the state religion of Virginia at that time. I don't know anything about the church of England, but I bet they added the letter 'U' to at least one word in every sentence in their bible. I bet they also secretly admit that even the British don't 'get' British humor.

Madison attended the College of New Jersey (later to become Princeton University), finishing its four-year course in two years. He was so exhausted by this amount of work that he was sick for quite some time.

The moral of this story is "NEVER OVERACHIEVE." Or maybe it's "cute little presidents just need to lie down and nap more."

When he got better, he served in the state legislature and followed in the footsteps of Thomas Jefferson. He became a prominent figure in Virginia state politics, helping to draft the state's declaration of religious freedom.
Then some other stuff happened, he married Dolly Madison and he became a tiny little president.

I got get lunch.

Interesting facts about Madison:

Madison was a second cousin of the 12th U.S. President, Zachary Taylor.

Madison was the first US President who wasn't the vice president to the previous president.

Madison County, Ohio is named after James Madison.

His last words were, "I always talk better lying down."

Interesting facts I just made up about Madison:

When scrambled his last name sorta spells "Son Is Mad." He had children and occasionally they got mad.

His most prized possession was his collection of Peter Tork autographs.

He liked the taste of buttermilk so much that he considered making it the "National Taste." He also considered making it the "National Milk," the "National Butter" and the "National Broadcasting System."

His last words, "I always talk better lying down," were often quoted by future President Bill Clinton. Clinton said this usually to get female reporters into bed. The rest of the time he said it to get skinny dudes with long hair into bed. We all get lonely sometimes.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


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When I hear it, I think of mountains, open space and that guy who was quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers.

Unless it's spoken by a dude with a thick Spanish accent. Then I usually think about actor Joe Mantenga.

Sometimes, if Montana is said by a sexy senorita with a thick Spanish accent, I just think about makin' whoopie.

But, I digress.

Montana is a state. It's one of either 50 or 52 states that exist in the U.S.

I can never remember which is the amount of states and which is the number of cards in a deck.

Montana is derived from the Spanish word for mountain (Mantenga is derived from the word "mediocre.")

The capitol city of Montana is Helena and the largest city is Billings. Yup. That big old city of Billings Montana.

Whoo hoo! Things are rockin' out in Billings. Billings sets the tone for the nation. If you don't play in Billings you don't play.

Although I may be confused. Maybe Helena is the biggest city and Billings is just a card deck.

Let us take a look at the Montana state song:

Written by Charles C. Cohan
Composed by Joseph E. Howard

I bet Charles C. Cohan begs people to call him "Triple C."

I bet Joseph E. Howard just begs people to call him.

Tell me of that Treasure State
Story always new,
Tell of its beauties grand
And its hearts so true.

Mountains of sunset fire
The land I love the best
Let me grasp the hand of one
From out the golden West.


Montana, Montana,
Glory of the West
Of all the states from coast to coast,
You're easily the best.
Montana, Montana,
Where skies are always blue
Montana, I love you.

Each country has its flow'r;
Each one plays a part,
Each bloom brings a longing hope
To some lonely heart.

Bitter Root to me is dear
Growing in my land
Sing then that glorious air
The one I understand.

Sheesh, even the song is boring. I wanna strangle someone with a Bitter Root.

Montana is a big freakin' state. It is so big in fact that you could place Rhodie Island, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, New York City, Disney's California Adventure, wrestling legend Rikishi Fatu and 30 decks of Bicycle playing cards on top of Montana and still have room for all the bowls of Froot Loops that you would have to eat to get the vitamins in one bowl of total.

Still, as big as it is Montana has NO PRO SPORTS TEAMS.


Not a single one.

They do have a handful of minor league baseball teams:

Missoula Osprey - I assume this is one of them, but it also might be a disorder you get from drinking syrup.

Great Falls White Sox - Again, this is possibly one of their teams. Its also possible that it is just a pair of socks.

Helena Brewers - I think I dated Helena Brewers in High School. I would have remembered if she was also a sports team.

Billings Mustangs - Yeah. Imagine a fun packed night in Billings checking out the hard hitting action of the Mustangs.

Here is a bit of Montana trivia:
Montana has the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states.

I hear one night a grizzly bear fell asleep on Billing's most traveled highway during rush hour.
The traffic was held in place for 2 hours. Both drivers were very angry.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

More from the Closet

Sadly not everything I start gets finished. No, I have bunches and bunches of stuff that never gets completed.

And like any well meaning person, I save ALL of it. Just like you might save knick knacks, baby pictures and episodes of Breaking Bonaduce.

I bet your closet is full of that stuff.

Just like the closet.

You know if I write short sentences, the article looks bigger!

Especially if I put spaces between each line.

Isn't that cool?

Anyway, what follows is more of the junk that WASN'T fit to print before.

First up is a photo that WOULD have been part of an article about Lassie and Mister Rogers.

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It's pretty cool. Still, it can't hold a candle to this other deleted passage about mustaches:

I love mustaches. I am so glad they don't cause cancer. You know, because so many cool things seem to cause cancer.
But not mustaches.
Imagine the panic that would grip the nation if we found out that mustaches were infecting the faces of men everywhere. Think of how conflicted Burt Reynolds would be. Cancer? Or being mustache-less.
I bet he would keep the mustache.
I also bet Morgan Spurlock would shave his 'stache.

Yes, I had my finger on the pulse of America that day. Speaking of mustaches, here is an unfinished piece that has nothing to with mustaches.

Kevin Costner made a few movies about baseball. Bull Durham, For Love of the Game, even Dances With Wolves is kind of about baseball.
Think about it. Costner is the home team, the wild west is Dodger Stadium and that guy who played the painter on "Murphy Brown" is Hee-Seop Choi.
Of course you never want to

I'm not sure how I planned to end that sentence, but I hope it had something to do with Injuns... or the balk rule.

There is tons more gripping, high quality concepts that you really need to check out. For example, my examination of how I look "with" and "without" my hands in my pockets:

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It's tough to choose whether I like "with" or "without." They both have their advantages. For example: if a hot chick was about to trip and fall I would have a better chance to catch her if I went with the "without" look. Of course, if it was a smelly dude who was covered in marmalade "with" would probably give me better excuse for not helping him.

I know it seems stupid, but wouldn't this site have benefited from those photos? Or how about a photo of a little car:
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Yes, it may have done some good. Still, I can take comfort in the fact that you have now seen it. And the closet now has more room for my new bowling ball.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Me and Lassie go to Mooby's

Lassie has returned! The famous collie has once again graced the big screen and charmed audiences everywhere.

The new flick takes place in London or the U.K. (are they the same place?) and involves Lassie's trip across Scotland. Along the way she has encounters with a Clydesdale, a midget and the Loch Ness Monster.

I am not making that up.

I wanted to visit the beautiful locations from Lassie, but I like to pour bottled water on sleeping passengers whenever I fly. So, as long as the "liquid ban" is in place, I don't fly.

In lieu of traveling by boat I decided to do the next best thing. I took Lassie to the shooting location of Clerks II.

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Sure, Lassie was disappointed when she saw that the Mooby's fast food joint had been demolished, but she was happy to run around in the empty parking lot.

What fun she had, sprinting around cracked asphalt jumping over small concrete parking spot thingies and avoiding chards of broken bottles.

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Look Lassie! There is a Day's Inn in the background! They say they have a pool AND HBO. I told Lassie I once stayed at a Day's Inn. She seemed to smile. Unfortunately it wasn't until this very moment that I realized that was a Comfort Inn, not a Day's Inn.

Perhaps she would not have been as happy if she knew the truth.

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Later Lassie laughed at my giant sunglasses. I laughed at the fact that Lassie is routinely played by MALE dogs. Then we both laughed at the concept of Benji the Hunted.