I gave blood yesterday. I try to give regularly. You are allowed to give blood every 56 days. 56 is an odd number to remember, so I just give blood every time Taco Bell invents a new taco.
So since they introduced the "Chinchadito" this week (meat on a tortilla) it was time to give.
I arrived at the blood center and realized it was EMPTY. Now, it was close to lunch time, so perhaps most of the donors were at taco bell getting a chinchadito. However, blood supplies are said to be low, so perhaps you should make an appointment yourself.
First they sit you down and ask you a list of questions that reads like a membership application for the KKK.
1. Have you ever, since 1977, been to Africa, the Dominican Republic or Cameroon?
2. Have you had sex with another man, even once, since 1977?
3. Have you traveled outside the United States in the past 6 months?
I'm not kidding. These are the real questions. You wonder why the Red Cross' logo is a 'red cross'. Red as in 'burning with FIRE'. Think about it.
So then they take you over to a cot and lie you down. The nurse introduced herself. Her name was Stella.
I immediately took out my cell phone and changed the answering machine message to say
"Hi, this is Guy Hutchinson. I can't come to the phone, because I am lying in bed and Stella is sticking a needle in my arm."
So, the needle went in. Stella started filling a 1 pint bag with my blood as I squeezed a plastic tube to help the blood flow. Throw in a dancing Hobo and Steve Martin with a pitchfork and you have my recurring childhood nightmare.
After they take all the blood, they give you a can of juice. The kind of can you haven't seen since grade school. A small metal can with a peel off top. Plus you get crackers.
This sounds like a good appetizer for a 3 chinchadito dinner.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
We clocked the t-rex at 35 miles per hour
Let us take a look at the Steven Spielberg epic JURASSIC PARK.
I love a movie that has a name that is SO commonly misspelled.
JURRASIC PARK
JERASSIC PARK
JURASIC PARK
GIRRAFE PONG
Yup, people just can't seem to spell it right. Let's take a close look at the film:
The film starts out with the loading team trying to get a raptor into a cage. The raptor the ATTACKS a worker who looks EXACTLY like a fatter Larry Fishburne.
I was going to include a photo of the worker, but then I realized that you would notice that he doesn't really look that much like Larry, and my cover would be blown.
So if you still need to see a fatter looking Larry Fishburne go see the Matrix sequels.
Oh, yeah. I keep calling him Larry, but he hasn't been Larry since the early 1990s. I never understood why he changed his name. Does Lawrence REALLY sound that much classier when it is followed by Fishburne.
FISH BURN. His name might as well be Lawrence Burntpopcorn or Lawrence Overcookedspagehtti.
Ahhh, but I digress.
So Gennero (the lawyer) arrives at a digging site to find that Hammond didn't show up because he had to be with his daughter who is getting a divorce.
Odd, she probably should have sent Hammond to the dig site and had the lawyer be with her during the divorce.
Jeez. I digress A LOT.
Off to Montana, now, where we meet Alan Grant. Grant is digging for dinosaurs, then he uses a dino bone to terrorize the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON on the planet.
My god! I still don't know if that is a boy or a girl. It looks like a fat albanian version of Carrot Top imprersonating Pugsly from Addams Family.
Congratulations! You are the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON EVER.
Not the first ugliest, that honor goes to Tom Cruise's cousin, subject of a previous junk,
click here to read that one.
So Hammond flies in and invites Grant to JURASSIC PARK. He reluctantly tells Ellie she can come along, too. She agrees and this ruins his chance to swap dirty jokes with Grant in the helicopter.
DELETED SCENE:
GRANT: Why did you invite her? She's not even a paleontologist. She's a PALEOBOTANIST.
HAMMOND: I had to invite her. She was standing right there when I asked you. I thought she would say no!
GRANT: You sicken me.
Next they fly off to Jurassic Park. While landing, Grant is asked to buckle his seatbelt. Being incredibly rugged, Grant can't figure out how to buckle a seat belt correctly and simply ties half of his seat belt to half of Ellie's. Then they crash and Ellie dies. Grant is so rugged he makes a lean-to out of her bones and lives in it during the Y2K scare.
No, I'm kidding. The helicopter lands successfully and they drive up to drive up to a brachiasaurus. Ellie doesn't notice the brachiasaurus because she is too busy looking at a leaf.
See why they didn't need a paleobotanist?
Ellie tries to get Grant to look at the leaf.
ELLIE: Hey Alan. This species of terraform has been extinct since the cretaceous period.
Huh? If you've seen this movie, you know Hammond made the dinosaurs using DNA from mosquito blood. If you haven't seen this movie: SPOILER ALERT.
So if they used mosquito blood to make dinosaurs, how did they make plants? Was there a mosquito that ate plants?
MOSQUITO: Hey let's go take a bite outta that mastadon.
MOSQUITO TWO: Nah. I'm in the mood for a salad.
MOSQUITO: You sicken me.
So they see a dinosaur. AWESOME. Now this film is rolling!
Hammond takes to a ride where he meets an on screen version of himself.
Imagine the joy Richard Attenborough has watching this film.
ATTENBOROUGH:Look I'm sitting here watching me on the screen, and me on the screen is watching me on the screen!
MRS. ATTENBOROUGH: You sicken me.
So Hammond plans on opening EVERY tour of Jurassic Park HIMSELF. WOW. Talk about a hands-on leader. Could you imagine going to Disneyland and having Michael Eisner check your seatbelt before starting up the Matterhorn? Hammond truly didn't think this all the way through.
HAMMOND: I am going to take a day off to swim in a pile of money.
BOSS: I'm sorry. We need you to open the ride.
HAMMOND: Oh, alright. I will swim in money on the weekend.
BOSS: Sorry, Jurassic Park doesn't close on the weekend. You have to be here EVERYDAY.
Now we get to see Mr. DNA and a poorly drawn cartoon that would make Joe Hanna and William Barbara embarrassed. Then it's off to the lab so B.D. Wong can show us a baby raptor. He's cute. Then we see the grown up raptors in a pen, not so cute.
Actually we don't see the raptors. Just a bunch of trees being shaken by some off-screen grips as a cow is lowered into the pen.
Now, I hate to sound cruel here, but why do they use this stretcher thing to lower the cow into the pen? Why don't they just drop him from a crane? Then they don't have to use a new stretcher thing EVERY day. It's not like the raptors are going to mind. And really, for the cow, is it any more cruel then being fed to raptors?
Next up we go on a tour where Hammond informs us that the 'voice we are now hearing is Richard Kiley, I spared no expense.' Well, Kiley was a distinguished stage actor, but spared no expense? Would it have killed him to get Bobcat Goldwaith? Bobcat could use the work, and it really would have spruced up the section of the tour when the dinosaurs didn't show up. But then the DINOSAURS SHOW UP.
The dinosaurs eat a goat an chase Sam Neil,then they eat Gerrano who was hiding in the mens room.
Oh yeah, I'm forgetting the Wayne Knight subplot. So Wayne Knight is complaining that Hammond has 'gotten cheap'. See I KNEW Hammond was sparing expenses! No Bobcat AND he lost Wayne Knight. Way to go Hammond.
Fences are shut down, Sam Jackson tells people to 'hold onto their butts' and the little kid gets ELECTROCUTED. It's really funny.
At one point Sam Neil shows the kids how to feed a brachiasaur a tree branch. This is a GOOD IDEA he reasons because they are 'herbivores and wouldn't eat them.' Uh huh. They could swallow you WHOLE! I am never letting Sam Neil watch my kids.
In the final moments we see the cast being hunted by a bunch of raptors in the visitor center when SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.
Let me repeat that:
SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.
Earlier we heard t-rex's foot steps from half a mile away. They made the water ripple. Now, he SNEAKS up on them? Ah, who cares, its a great ending.
Did you like JP?
I love a movie that has a name that is SO commonly misspelled.
JURRASIC PARK
JERASSIC PARK
JURASIC PARK
GIRRAFE PONG
Yup, people just can't seem to spell it right. Let's take a close look at the film:
The film starts out with the loading team trying to get a raptor into a cage. The raptor the ATTACKS a worker who looks EXACTLY like a fatter Larry Fishburne.
I was going to include a photo of the worker, but then I realized that you would notice that he doesn't really look that much like Larry, and my cover would be blown.
So if you still need to see a fatter looking Larry Fishburne go see the Matrix sequels.
Oh, yeah. I keep calling him Larry, but he hasn't been Larry since the early 1990s. I never understood why he changed his name. Does Lawrence REALLY sound that much classier when it is followed by Fishburne.
FISH BURN. His name might as well be Lawrence Burntpopcorn or Lawrence Overcookedspagehtti.
Ahhh, but I digress.
So Gennero (the lawyer) arrives at a digging site to find that Hammond didn't show up because he had to be with his daughter who is getting a divorce.
Odd, she probably should have sent Hammond to the dig site and had the lawyer be with her during the divorce.
Jeez. I digress A LOT.
Off to Montana, now, where we meet Alan Grant. Grant is digging for dinosaurs, then he uses a dino bone to terrorize the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON on the planet.
My god! I still don't know if that is a boy or a girl. It looks like a fat albanian version of Carrot Top imprersonating Pugsly from Addams Family.
Congratulations! You are the SECOND UGLIEST PERSON EVER.
Not the first ugliest, that honor goes to Tom Cruise's cousin, subject of a previous junk,
click here to read that one.
So Hammond flies in and invites Grant to JURASSIC PARK. He reluctantly tells Ellie she can come along, too. She agrees and this ruins his chance to swap dirty jokes with Grant in the helicopter.
DELETED SCENE:
GRANT: Why did you invite her? She's not even a paleontologist. She's a PALEOBOTANIST.
HAMMOND: I had to invite her. She was standing right there when I asked you. I thought she would say no!
GRANT: You sicken me.
Next they fly off to Jurassic Park. While landing, Grant is asked to buckle his seatbelt. Being incredibly rugged, Grant can't figure out how to buckle a seat belt correctly and simply ties half of his seat belt to half of Ellie's. Then they crash and Ellie dies. Grant is so rugged he makes a lean-to out of her bones and lives in it during the Y2K scare.
No, I'm kidding. The helicopter lands successfully and they drive up to drive up to a brachiasaurus. Ellie doesn't notice the brachiasaurus because she is too busy looking at a leaf.
See why they didn't need a paleobotanist?
Ellie tries to get Grant to look at the leaf.
ELLIE: Hey Alan. This species of terraform has been extinct since the cretaceous period.
Huh? If you've seen this movie, you know Hammond made the dinosaurs using DNA from mosquito blood. If you haven't seen this movie: SPOILER ALERT.
So if they used mosquito blood to make dinosaurs, how did they make plants? Was there a mosquito that ate plants?
MOSQUITO: Hey let's go take a bite outta that mastadon.
MOSQUITO TWO: Nah. I'm in the mood for a salad.
MOSQUITO: You sicken me.
So they see a dinosaur. AWESOME. Now this film is rolling!
Hammond takes to a ride where he meets an on screen version of himself.
Imagine the joy Richard Attenborough has watching this film.
ATTENBOROUGH:Look I'm sitting here watching me on the screen, and me on the screen is watching me on the screen!
MRS. ATTENBOROUGH: You sicken me.
So Hammond plans on opening EVERY tour of Jurassic Park HIMSELF. WOW. Talk about a hands-on leader. Could you imagine going to Disneyland and having Michael Eisner check your seatbelt before starting up the Matterhorn? Hammond truly didn't think this all the way through.
HAMMOND: I am going to take a day off to swim in a pile of money.
BOSS: I'm sorry. We need you to open the ride.
HAMMOND: Oh, alright. I will swim in money on the weekend.
BOSS: Sorry, Jurassic Park doesn't close on the weekend. You have to be here EVERYDAY.
Now we get to see Mr. DNA and a poorly drawn cartoon that would make Joe Hanna and William Barbara embarrassed. Then it's off to the lab so B.D. Wong can show us a baby raptor. He's cute. Then we see the grown up raptors in a pen, not so cute.
Actually we don't see the raptors. Just a bunch of trees being shaken by some off-screen grips as a cow is lowered into the pen.
Now, I hate to sound cruel here, but why do they use this stretcher thing to lower the cow into the pen? Why don't they just drop him from a crane? Then they don't have to use a new stretcher thing EVERY day. It's not like the raptors are going to mind. And really, for the cow, is it any more cruel then being fed to raptors?
Next up we go on a tour where Hammond informs us that the 'voice we are now hearing is Richard Kiley, I spared no expense.' Well, Kiley was a distinguished stage actor, but spared no expense? Would it have killed him to get Bobcat Goldwaith? Bobcat could use the work, and it really would have spruced up the section of the tour when the dinosaurs didn't show up. But then the DINOSAURS SHOW UP.
The dinosaurs eat a goat an chase Sam Neil,then they eat Gerrano who was hiding in the mens room.
Oh yeah, I'm forgetting the Wayne Knight subplot. So Wayne Knight is complaining that Hammond has 'gotten cheap'. See I KNEW Hammond was sparing expenses! No Bobcat AND he lost Wayne Knight. Way to go Hammond.
Fences are shut down, Sam Jackson tells people to 'hold onto their butts' and the little kid gets ELECTROCUTED. It's really funny.
At one point Sam Neil shows the kids how to feed a brachiasaur a tree branch. This is a GOOD IDEA he reasons because they are 'herbivores and wouldn't eat them.' Uh huh. They could swallow you WHOLE! I am never letting Sam Neil watch my kids.
In the final moments we see the cast being hunted by a bunch of raptors in the visitor center when SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.
Let me repeat that:
SUDDENLY the T-REX steps in and eats the raptor.
Earlier we heard t-rex's foot steps from half a mile away. They made the water ripple. Now, he SNEAKS up on them? Ah, who cares, its a great ending.
Did you like JP?
Monday, June 28, 2004
What's in a name?
Peanuts.
Jimmy Carter's favorite snack.
Once, they were a staple on airplanes.
Some people are allergic to them.
There is a puppet named Peanut. He is a woozle.
Peanuts.
That is what Charles Schultz named this comic strip. Kids. A strip about kids. Not about Peanuts.
None of the children are named Peanut. As far as I know they don't live in a town named Peanut. I don't even think they ever EAT peanuts in the strip.
But Schultz choose to name the strip Peanuts.
SCHULTZ: What should I name this comic strip? Peanuts or Legumes?
HAL KETCHUM: I thought a peanut was a legume.
SCHULTZ: No, a legume is a fruit.
HAL KETCHUM: You're a fruit.
SCHULTZ: You wanna piece of me, Ketchum?
HAL KETCHUM: Go for it, Schultz.
SCHULTZ: Oh, I'm going for it. It's Schultz time!
So, he named the strip Peanuts and Hal Ketchum had to draw Dennis The Menace with the other hand for a few weeks. But the name is still stupid.
People like to say that they work for peanuts; and they go BANANAS.
I am convinced that banana is the third funniest word in the English language right behind 'jiggle' and 'formaldehyde.'
Yes, banana is comedy. This is why bananas is so often used in movie titles:
Herbie Goes Bananas
Going Bananas
Bananas
I'm sure there are others, but I don't have the energy to look them up.
Simply inserting the word banana into a sentence makes it funny.
For example:
"Death"
DOCTOR: I have to tell you, Stella is DEAD!
or
DOCTOR: I have to tell you, Stella is BANANAS!
See, how bananas make everything funnier?
Like, remember the beginning of this junk when NOTHING was funny? Lets add some bananas!
----------------------
Peanuts.
Jimmy Carter's favorite snack.
Once, they were a staple on airplanes.
Some people are allergic to them.
There is a puppet named Peanut. He is a banana.
----------------------
Uh, I guess there are some things even bananas can't help.
Baloney! Another word people use out of context every day.
Baloney is also like ketchup a victim of 'Double spelling food syndrome.' Bologna? How is that possibly pronounced Baloney? HOW? And 'catsup'? I am convinced that the 'catsup' spelling only existed so we would laugh when Jerry would get Tom's head stuck in a bottle of 'catsup.'
Baloney can also mean 'lies' or 'ridiculous'.
POLITICIAN: Your policies are full of BALONEY!
OTHER POLITICIAN: Your policies are abosolutly BANANAS!
POLITICIAN: Your favorite snack is PEANUTS!
Friday, June 25, 2004
Talk, talk, talk
I hate when people talk during a movie. I'm not just talking about people that whisper to the person next to them, or say 'bless you' to someone that sneezes. I am talking about people talking!
When I saw X-Files there was a woman that HAD to be heard. She was not going to sit by and watch the X-Files. She wanted to be a PART of the X-Files.
Now, she could have went to Hollywood 16 months earlier and auditioned for a part. Or she could have gone to Vancouver 9 months earlier and signed up to be an extra. She could have even broke into the projection booth the night before and edited some footage of her into the film.
But, she didn't do any of these. My guess is that she didn't realize she had to be IN X-Files until after the movie started. So, there was only one thing for her to do. TALK.
At the end of the movie, when they decide to re-open the X-Files (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) she shouted:
OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
That's right! She shouted:
OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
This was probably the greatest moment of her life. Someday, many years from now, her grandkids will be watching TV, and the X-Files will come on and she will say:
Grandma was in X-Files, kids. Grandma said OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
Then they will put her in a nice home where she will get the attention she needs from trained professionals.
But, as of now. She is on the loose. I like to think of her sometimes. She is out at another theater, ruining someone's movie.
She is not the only movie ruin-er I have come across. My favorite was 'Nice Shot Guy.' I was watching GO in a half empty theater and someone in the film got shot (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) and this guy shouted:
Nice shot.
Nice shot.
I didn't just throw the second nice shot in there for effect, that is what he said. See, 'Nice Shot Guy' shouted "Nice shot" after the person in the film was shot. But, no one in the half empty theater reacted.
'Nice Shot Guy' figured we must not have heard him. After all 'Nice shot' is about the wittiest thing a person could shout at film depicting someone being shot. So assuming he wasn't heard he repeated it LOUDER.
The result was the same, we still ignored him, but I bet at the bar that night he told the story differently.
NICE SHOT GUY: ... So I said 'nice shot' and EVERYBODY laughed.
OTHER GUY: You tell me that stupid story one more time and I will shoot you!
NICE SHOT GUY: Wanna know what my dying words would be? NICE SHOT!
NICE SHOT GUY: NICE SHOT, I SAID!
So, what movie talkers have you experienced?
When I saw X-Files there was a woman that HAD to be heard. She was not going to sit by and watch the X-Files. She wanted to be a PART of the X-Files.
Now, she could have went to Hollywood 16 months earlier and auditioned for a part. Or she could have gone to Vancouver 9 months earlier and signed up to be an extra. She could have even broke into the projection booth the night before and edited some footage of her into the film.
But, she didn't do any of these. My guess is that she didn't realize she had to be IN X-Files until after the movie started. So, there was only one thing for her to do. TALK.
At the end of the movie, when they decide to re-open the X-Files (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) she shouted:
OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
That's right! She shouted:
OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
This was probably the greatest moment of her life. Someday, many years from now, her grandkids will be watching TV, and the X-Files will come on and she will say:
Grandma was in X-Files, kids. Grandma said OH SNAP! X-FILES BACK ON.
Then they will put her in a nice home where she will get the attention she needs from trained professionals.
But, as of now. She is on the loose. I like to think of her sometimes. She is out at another theater, ruining someone's movie.
She is not the only movie ruin-er I have come across. My favorite was 'Nice Shot Guy.' I was watching GO in a half empty theater and someone in the film got shot (oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT) and this guy shouted:
Nice shot.
Nice shot.
I didn't just throw the second nice shot in there for effect, that is what he said. See, 'Nice Shot Guy' shouted "Nice shot" after the person in the film was shot. But, no one in the half empty theater reacted.
'Nice Shot Guy' figured we must not have heard him. After all 'Nice shot' is about the wittiest thing a person could shout at film depicting someone being shot. So assuming he wasn't heard he repeated it LOUDER.
The result was the same, we still ignored him, but I bet at the bar that night he told the story differently.
NICE SHOT GUY: ... So I said 'nice shot' and EVERYBODY laughed.
OTHER GUY: You tell me that stupid story one more time and I will shoot you!
NICE SHOT GUY: Wanna know what my dying words would be? NICE SHOT!
NICE SHOT GUY: NICE SHOT, I SAID!
So, what movie talkers have you experienced?
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Pac-Man and the art of insanity
Pacmanhattan
Pacmanhattan is a website devoted to a bunch of people that play a live version of Pac-Man in the street. That is what they do. Run around pretending to be Pac-Man.
I have met a few crazy people in my life. Most are sad up close, but funny from far away. Most of the crazy people I have met were homeless and had no access to the internet. Luckily, there are many crazy people that do.
This is not to say unequivocally that having a strong love for Pac-Man is wrong. Heck, I once had a hot dream about Ms. Pac-Man. See, me and Ms. Pac-Man were all alone and she WASN'T WEARING HER BOW!
GOOD GOD, I just realized that Ms. Pac-Man is just Pac-Man with a bow on her head. Without the bow, it's just Pac-Man. I HAD A DREAM ABOUT PAC-MAN!
Ugh. Anyway, the people who run around pretending to be Pac-Man aren't necessarily crazy, but they probably are... CRAZY.
Many parents like to say that their kids make them 'crazy.' I never thought this was true until a recent trip to Walt Disney's Animal Kingdom. Two kids were pushing each other back and forth as we stood in line. One of the kids said "Hey, stop pushing me!" His father turned around with the angriest look on his face.
He shouted "What did I tell you? Hay is for HORSES!"
Hay is for horses.
He shouted this. That's crazy!
I, having never heard the 'Hay is for horses' comment spoken in anger, laughed. Luckily he didn't notice or he may have yelled 'laughing is for hyenas' or 'is your name Rowan? Because this ain't Laugh In.'
This seemingly normal man had gone CRAZY.
Homeless guys sit around the subway and talk to themselves. This is why many people consider them crazy. I know many people who talk to dogs and cats. I even know people that give their pets gifts during the holidays. How do they even know what religion the dog is? If you're Catholic and you have a Jewish dog, won't he be offended by this gift.
OWNER: Hey Snookums! Here is your Christmas Present. A chew toy!
DOG: Now I get a gift!?! Where were you during Hanukkah? All 8 nights I got NOTHING!
OWNER: Don't you like the chew toy? It's pork flavored.
DOG: PORK! I can't have pork during Ramadan! Didn't you know I am half Muslim, too!
What did you get your dog for Ramadan?
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Advice for those in need of advice
Once again, it is time for an advice column. If you missed the previous one, click here. If you want to see a picture of a Shriner in a little car, click here.
Dear Sweetie,
Is it wrong to make a man wait five to six months before meeting him face to face???
SHY GIRL
Dear Shy,
OF COURSE IT IS. You HAVE to meet to move the relationship forward. If you really do not want him to see you, poke out his eyes.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I am a woman and I am disgusted by your column. You never give any of the women that write in a serious answer to the questions they ask. You just ignore the questions and make inane comments about dumb, macho, action flicks.
ANNOYED
Dear Annoyed,
Thank you for your letter. I am ashamed to say that you are right, I will try harder in the future.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I'm putting myself on the job market this year, but I've also been trying to get pregnant for the last several months. If I'm lucky enough to become pregnant soon, how will I handle this with potential employers? During the time when it won't be obvious, should I let people know? What do I say during an interview if I am visibly pregnant?
PREGNANT
Dear PREGNANT,
Did you ever see that movie Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger was PREGNANT! That was pretty funny, you should see it.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I am writing to ask you what lessons I have to learn regarding love and relationships. As you can see, I have nothing but squares to my Venus in Gemini in the 12th house. Love and love relationships have been so extremely painful that I am very discouraged and disgusted. Is there a karmic lesson in this? What do I have to be most careful of, before embarking on a relationship? Should I just remain single?
YEARNING LISA
Dear Yearn,
You must be confusing this column with one of those freaky hippie columns. I don't give advice to you longhairs with your crazy ideas. Go back to Epcot, ya freak!
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
My girlfriend Jane broke up with me about 2 mouths ago and she went out with my cousin who is 3 years older than her. I thought I was over her, but I guess I am not, but I think she is over me. My question is should I let her go or wait for them to break up and then take my chances with her because I love her and she used to love me.
SAD SACK
Dear Sad,
I am sure she still loves you! She is probably just with this guy to get you jealous. You just need to do something to get her attention, like wearing an "I WILL MARRY JANE" T-Shirt and writing "call me Jane" on every dollar bill you spend in hopes that it eventually gets back to her. You, sir, are a winner! That is what women look for in a suitor.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie
I have been going with my girlfriend for 6 months. She is still in contact with her boyfriend she had before me, he often stays at her house, but not in her bed. Should I allow this to happen, and is it normal?
WORRIED
Dear Worried,
I suggest that you offer to sleep over at the same time. Then tell him that you brought matching Mork & Mindy sleeping bags for you and him. Then tell scary stories until the wee hours. After he falls asleep bludgeon him with a fire poker. Or, you can just tell your trampy girlfriend to end the sleepovers. It’s your call buddy, let me know how it goes.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
Should we press charges? Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do?
HAD ENOUGH
Dear Had,
Spit in all your liquor, it will be so gross no one will want to drink it (except hobos.) Oh wait, is he a hobo?
SWEETIE
Post your questions for Sweetie below.
Dear Sweetie,
Is it wrong to make a man wait five to six months before meeting him face to face???
SHY GIRL
Dear Shy,
OF COURSE IT IS. You HAVE to meet to move the relationship forward. If you really do not want him to see you, poke out his eyes.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I am a woman and I am disgusted by your column. You never give any of the women that write in a serious answer to the questions they ask. You just ignore the questions and make inane comments about dumb, macho, action flicks.
ANNOYED
Dear Annoyed,
Thank you for your letter. I am ashamed to say that you are right, I will try harder in the future.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I'm putting myself on the job market this year, but I've also been trying to get pregnant for the last several months. If I'm lucky enough to become pregnant soon, how will I handle this with potential employers? During the time when it won't be obvious, should I let people know? What do I say during an interview if I am visibly pregnant?
PREGNANT
Dear PREGNANT,
Did you ever see that movie Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger was PREGNANT! That was pretty funny, you should see it.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
I am writing to ask you what lessons I have to learn regarding love and relationships. As you can see, I have nothing but squares to my Venus in Gemini in the 12th house. Love and love relationships have been so extremely painful that I am very discouraged and disgusted. Is there a karmic lesson in this? What do I have to be most careful of, before embarking on a relationship? Should I just remain single?
YEARNING LISA
Dear Yearn,
You must be confusing this column with one of those freaky hippie columns. I don't give advice to you longhairs with your crazy ideas. Go back to Epcot, ya freak!
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
My girlfriend Jane broke up with me about 2 mouths ago and she went out with my cousin who is 3 years older than her. I thought I was over her, but I guess I am not, but I think she is over me. My question is should I let her go or wait for them to break up and then take my chances with her because I love her and she used to love me.
SAD SACK
Dear Sad,
I am sure she still loves you! She is probably just with this guy to get you jealous. You just need to do something to get her attention, like wearing an "I WILL MARRY JANE" T-Shirt and writing "call me Jane" on every dollar bill you spend in hopes that it eventually gets back to her. You, sir, are a winner! That is what women look for in a suitor.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie
I have been going with my girlfriend for 6 months. She is still in contact with her boyfriend she had before me, he often stays at her house, but not in her bed. Should I allow this to happen, and is it normal?
WORRIED
Dear Worried,
I suggest that you offer to sleep over at the same time. Then tell him that you brought matching Mork & Mindy sleeping bags for you and him. Then tell scary stories until the wee hours. After he falls asleep bludgeon him with a fire poker. Or, you can just tell your trampy girlfriend to end the sleepovers. It’s your call buddy, let me know how it goes.
SWEETIE
Dear Sweetie,
We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
Should we press charges? Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do?
HAD ENOUGH
Dear Had,
Spit in all your liquor, it will be so gross no one will want to drink it (except hobos.) Oh wait, is he a hobo?
SWEETIE
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