The Fat Spy part 1 & 2 & 3

Six years ago I was perusing the discount DVDs by the counter of a Walgreens on Santa Monica Boulevard in fabulous Santa Monica, California.

As I passed over the dozens of public domain John Wayne films and badly packaged cartoon sets I was intrigued by one title The Fat Spy.

The box showed both Jane Mansfield and Phyllis Diller, a combo that excited me even more than the fact I was IN the town where Three's Company took place.

I took the movie back to my apartment where I planned to watch it that night. Instead a bizarre series of events led to me being on TV with Mr. T for a few seconds that night.

You can read that adventure here. It's a better story than this one.

Anyway, the DVD then was pushed back in favor of other movies or shows or 'actually doing things' for a few weeks. Eventually it just became one of the many DVDs I bought and never got around to watching.

Since then I have moved twice, met Mr. T a few more times, and watched hundereds of other bad movies.

Then, the other night, the time for The Fat Spy was upon me.

I stuck the DVD in and suddenly (with no logos, titles or warning) I see a shot of some guys playing guitar. Two minutes later they are still at it. Strumming away and singing something about how 'people act funny when they have money.'

Just a static shot of two guys standing outside... singing.

Finally the song ends and the opening titles start. Yep, this is The Fat Spy.

I should mention here that The Fat Spy is public domain... and yes... it's on youtube.com.

So, if you really want, you can follow along. You don't have to... I wouldn't if I were you.



Two minutes after the brilliant lyrics "people sure act funny when they get a little money" and "people sure act strange when they get a little change" the titles show up and we here the instumental theme.

Then it immediatly cuts to a new song as we watch footage of some crazy teens on a boat. One of them has a bird tattooed on his chest. The camera shoots it, then shoots it upside down.

Obviously they are focusing on the tattoo because it will pay off later.

Maybe this guy will do something and he will be caught because of the identifying tattoo... or maybe they are just killing time.

Oh... I guess they are just killing time.

Later, after SIX minutes of bad music we FINALLY start the movie. For real this time. No more music videos.

After a little bit of talking and a little bit more of Jayne Mansfield we have a plot:

Some cosmetic company doesn't want the teens on the island for some reason. I wasn't able to retain the reason because the scene also had a bust of Abe Lincoln and the busts of Jayne Mansfield.

It's easy to see how I got distracted.



The youtube clip doesn't seem to be synched correctly. The DVD was. It doesn't really make it better.

Around this part of the movie we meet Jack E. Leonard who plays a set of twins. One is named Herman and one is named Irving.

If you don't know Jack E. Leonard, it's understandable. His star has faded since he died in 1973. But... he was actually a very well known and influential comedian pioneering the 'insult comedy' genre before Don Rickles made it a popular comedy form.

Irving is the closest thing to a fat spy in this film. He does a small bit of spying and he's kind of fat. Not phat. Just fat.

After a minute or two of plot IT IS TIME TO DANCE.

Dance dance dance. Singing and dancing. Plenty of singing and even more dancing.

Then Jack E. does his thing... playing straight man to HIMSELF and BAM, it's Phyliss Diller time!

I love Phyliss Diller. She was my favorite 'old lady' comic when I was a kid (even topping Lucille Ball) and I am pretty sure she is my favorite old lady comic today (even above Tina Fey.)

Oddly enough this movie also features an old Phyllis Diller.

Was she ever young?

She pops up as a cosmetic's competitor of some kind who wants to steal whatever is on the island (I think this is what the Fat Spy is watching the teens for.)

Confused? Yeah, it's stupidly complex.

After some banter we get more music. Some sappy song about Nanette (who is one of the teens in the film.) We also get footage of a horse walking on the beach and I belive the soundtrack features the 'clip clop' of a horse walking on a hard surface rather than the 'swish swish' of a horse of sand.

And that swish swishes us to the next youtube clip:



This clip is just an odd stop motion shot of Hulk Hogan accompanied by some guy softly saying "I wanna meet that dad."

It has nothing to do with this movie.



Oh, I should have warned you... if you jacked up the volume for the Hulk Hogan clip you should have tuned it down for part 3 of The Fat Spy.

Sorry.

Anyway, the movie barrels forward with some dork named Dodo who wants to find love or fish or both and Jayne Mansfield flying a plane.

Then there is some schtick with Dodo's mom calling the boat phone and the dude with the eagle tattoo making out with two skanks at once.

Dodo then finds a naked lady in the middle of the ocean. As he helps her on the boat he notices she has a fish tail.

The screen freezes and the word "tail" appears on a title card.

I think we are supposed to laugh at this.

(To be continued)

Snow Day

Oh boy! Nothing in the world as much as a snow day... except that cartoon nurse on Tiny Toons.

So when a recent snowstorm blanketed the east coast I invited 4 of my closest pals to watch a marathon of snow related features:


Snow Day: This film started the day off... and rightfully so. It's from the year 2000 and it tells the story of a few groups of people and what they did on a snow day. Chris Elliot drive a snow plow as the younger kids try and stop him. Meanwhile, the older kids try and find romance as Chevy Chases stands around not being very funny.


Snowball Express: This is a Disney picture from 1972. In it Dean Jones inherits a hotel in the mountains so he tells his boss (Dick Van Patten) to take a hike.
I kept waiting for the boss to re-emerge from his figurative 'hike' because you don't hire Van Patten for just one scene.
Or maybe you do.
Suffering massive Van Patten withdraw I kept hoping Dick Van Patten would return. Heck, after 30 minutes I would have settled for Timothy... or even Vince (well, not Vince.)
Anyway, the movie was loads of goofy fun.


Mickey's Magical Christmas- Snowed in at the House of Mouse: Following up some Disney live action with some recent animated stuff seemed a good fit.
This is a feature based on the House of Mouse show. The plot of the show is that Mickey owns an nightclub where famous Disney characters perform and fill the audience. Sorta like the Muppet Show (sans the Ruth Buzzi guest spots.)
In this one the gang is stranded at the club because of the snow, so they watch cartoons.
At this point I realized that I was stranded inside because of the snow and suddenly Dick Van Patten entered the room and made a hysterical, off the cuff, quip. Chevy Chase tried frantically to write it down, but he couldn't remember it so he cried and cried.
I was about to laugh at him, but even his sorrow isn't funny.


Jack Frost: This is a weird movie. Really, really weird. Micheal Keaton plays a father (named Jack Frost) who doesn't have time for his son because he is on the road with his band. For about 35 minutes the film deals with the drama of a family being apart and how tough it is on the parents and the kid. Then a gig almost forces Keaton to miss Christmas. But, he decides to return home (despite icy road conditions) and he dies in a car crash.
Now, if you have never seen this movie hold on to your pants. This is gonna shock you.
Micheal Keaton then returns from the dead in the form of a talking snowman.
Let me say that again:
Micheal Keaton then returns from the dead in the form of a talking snowman.
I had seen this movie 8 years ago when it was new so I knew this was coming. I would love to show this movie to someone that wasn't expecting it.
For over 1/3 of the movie you are watching a family drama... then BAM.. talking snowman. Silly talking snowman who gets in snowball fights and worries about dogs whizzing on him.
Then right before it ends (spoiler) it gets serious again.
What a strange freakin' movie.


Snowboard Academy: The only film ever to star Corey Haim and Jim Varney, Snowboard Academy is a gem for many reason. Actually just that reason. And... I am probably the only person around that finds that to be a big deal.
This is a silly kids vs. authority film where Haim and his snowboarding pals keep getting kicked off the hill until a competition is staged between skiers and snowboarders.
Along the way Ivan Drago's girlfriend shows up in a bathing suit.


Snowbuddies: I have been meaning to write a junk article on the Air Bud series for a while. It's longevity is amazing. Currently they seem to be on a pace of one direct-to-DVD film every 10 months. Snowbuddies came out in 2008 (2009 will see the release of Spacebuddies and Santabuddies) and had the "buddies" acting as a dog sled team.
The film is a step above most direct-to-DVD flicks and certainly has it's moments.
I didn't notice that because of was far to busy focusing on the child star of the film.

The child is introduced as "Adam" so I assume it's a boy. After all Adam is the name of the first male on earth. How could this be a girl.
But, then again, he does a have feminine way about him and a rather wispy voice.
Could Adam be an Eve?

Maybe this is one of those odd movie names. Like when they call a girl "Charlie" or "Sid" or "Omarosa." Perhaps it's not a boy.
A scene in the kid's bedroom gives us no clues. The decor features paintings of ducks and old maps. No sports stars or stuffed animals... NOTHING that would give any clues.
But, Adam has to be a boy.

Doesn't he?

I missed lots of plot points as I searched for clues. He or she? I hoped that the kid would be seen entering a public restroom or something. It boggled my mind.
Thankfully eventually one of the dogs referred to Adam as a boy. So case closed... except... what do dogs know?

I hope it doesn't snow again. This snow day was far to taxing on my brain.

Strawberry Shortcake

I think I really lost my mind this month.

I picked up a DVD at Wal-Mart for $5. It was a double feature. First was an oddly titled 2006 film Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale - The Adventures of Walt the Pig I am not sure if it's a Charlotte's Web knock off or not... but I wanted to find out.

And hopefully I will, but first I decided to check out the other feature:

Strawberry Shortcake: Her Very First Adventure.

This turned out not to be a movie, but two 24 minute TV specials from the early 1980S.

The odd thing was.... I really liked them.

I have been ill lately and perhaps my brain has taken a turn for the worse from weeks of cold medicine... I just can't be sure.

I didn't have much exposure to Strawberry Shortcake when these shows were new. After all I was a boy.

In fact I didn't even like to EAT the Strawberry Shortcake dessert because it shared the name with a girl's toy.

(I also quit my hobby of collecting holly because of Holly Hobbie, but that is a different story.)

What I missed out on in the 1980s was 6 TV specials that ran 30 minutes (with commercials) and were played annually on network TV.

It's interesting that they never branched out and just made a full series.

The two episodes I saw were:

The World of Strawberry Shortcake: This was the start of the series. Strawberry is a ridiculously cute little girl that is friends with other girls all named after a different dessert. There is one named Apple Dumpling, one named Blueberry Muffin, one named McFlurry and one named Freindly's Jubilee Roll.

Strawberry has an enemy named The Purple Pie Man. (She also had another adversary named Sour Grapes, but she wasn't in these episodes.)

The Purple Pie Man, like most cartoon baddies of that era doesn't have a clearly defined end game. It seems that he really wants to steal Strawberry's recipies... or maybe kill her so she can't make better pies than him anymore.

The Pie Man is the coolest part of the show. He constantly announces himself "The peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak" the he hums a little tune and dances like a prospector that just found gold.

He does this at least 3 or 4 times an episode.

In addition to The Pie Man, there are 2 other male characters. One is Huckleberry Pie who is just depicted as a lazy little boy that hangs out with Strawberry Shortcake. I am surprised that he was never successfully recruited by The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak.


Rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-tah!

Sorry.

See, I really am losing it.

The other male is The Sun who talks to Strawberry, but also sees everything the villains do wrong. Yet he never seems to try to hard to stop them.

I guess he is busy, heating the earth and putting two scoops of raisins in all those cereal boxes.

The second episode was Strawberry Shortcake in Big Apple City.

This one had her going to a bizarro New York City to compete in a baking contest with.... The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak.


Rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-tah!

Yep. I lost my mind.

Anyway, I was actually surprised at how clever the stories were and how well defined the characters were for a silly kids show. The show also features a handful of new catchy tunes in each episode.

After it's six year run as a series of specials, Strawberry went into hiding before being reborn in a new series.

The new series features and more teen-like Strawberry and (mostly) the same group of friends. But the relationships have changed. I think Strawberry is now related to Apple Dumpling and owns Huckleberry's dog.

The new ones seem okay, but under-utilize the villains.

Instead the conflicts are more realistic. In one episode Strawberry's friend (a horse) breaks her leg.

Rather than put her down she stays at Strawberry's house. It plays like a milder version of The Odd Couple.

The show sure could use The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak!


Rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-tah!

North

I love obscure movies... you know, the movie that you mention to a room full of people and they all stare back at you like your either crazy or an idiot?

Well, that's the part about obscure movies I don't like... but there is some satisfaction to know that you have seen a movie that most people you know haven't seen.

Such is the case with North.


On the surface, North doesn't seem like an obscure movie at all. It certainly didn't appear to be one when I saw it in a theater back in 1994. But, time hasn't been kind to North.

The film is the story of a kid who decides to be a "free agent" and auditions new parents. North is played by Elijah Wood and features an all star cast including: Bruce Willis, John Lovitz, Kathy Bates, Dan Aykroyd, John Ritter, Faith Ford, Alan Arkin and it was directed by Meathead himself, Rob Reiner.

One of the most bizarre aspects of the film is the casting of North's parents. Jason Alexander and Julia Louis Dreyfus both of Sienfeld fame play his mom and dad. It's just weird.

It would be like watching some movie where Hayley Mills has Gilligan and The Skipper as parents.

They look and act just like George and Elaine... yet they are married and they gave birth to a hobbit (he was a hobbit, right?)

Bruce Willis plays the narrator and is a magic character that pops up in whatever situation North needs him. He's like Dennis Rodman (except he doesn't look like Dennis Rodman or resemble him in personality or any other way.)

The film garnered terrible reviews when it was released, particularly from Siskel and Ebert who gave the film 2 thumbs down.

In his written review Ebert said:

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

That being said... I liked this movie. Liked liked licked licked licked this movie. Licked it. Licked the cover and thought it tasted like plastic. Licked the DVD and thought it was D.V.Deelicious.

Actually, that isn't true.

North isn't on DVD and it never has been. You can still get a used VHS copy for less than the price of a box of wine but you can't get a DVD.

The film does show up on cable from time to time and is worth a look... if for no other reason than to upset Roger Ebert.

Also if you DON'T think the film is funny, think of this fun fact during the movie:

Roger Ebert and Oprah Winfrey went on multiple dates in the 1980s.

Now think of Roger talkin' dirty to Oprah... now picture Gilligan talkin' dirty to The Skipper.

Pneumonia Marathon

Recently I came down with a case of pneumonia. This meant I had to stay home for a week.

A week full of high temperatures, cough syrup and movies. Lots of movies.

I started off the pneumonia marathon with limited energy (because of the pneumonia, the medicine and my temperature) so I stuck to lowbrow easy to follow flicks and TV shows.


Over The Hedge: I had seen this before, but I had wanted to see it again for a while. It's a fun animated film featuring the voices of Bruce Willis, William Shatner, Avril Lavigne and some other glaring examples of stunt casting.


Sanford & Son: I bought the complete run of this series about a year ago and I have been slowly working my way through the entire series. Finally I had time to just watch the last dozen episodes back to back.

I spent each of the last episodes assuming every appearance of Aunt Ester would be the LAST appearance of Aunt Ester and every time that Fred would grab his chest and tell Elizabeth it was the "big one" would be the final time of the series.

I even looked for more obscure Sanford & Son trademarks like Fred cooking menudo (the soup not the band... I hope), Rollo being called a thief or Fred drinking Ripple (which he didn't do in any of the last episodes.)

The show had a pretty good final episode in which Fred goes back to school to get his high school diploma. After getting it he gave a little speech thanking all the main characters from the show.


Open Season 2: This is a straight to DVD follow up of the animated film Open Season. In this one the bear and the deer are on a mission to rescue a dog from a doggie spa. It's silly fun and Crispin Glover is along for the ride giving voice to a poodle.


Open Season: One of the only things I learned from Open Season 2 was that I didn't remember Open Season very well. So I watched it again. No Crispin Glover in this one, but you do get a bear and a deer rand-sacking a convenience store... the funniest scene in either film.


WWE Legends - The Monday Night War: As a subscriber to WWE 24/7 I get more hours of wrestling every month than I can watch in a fortnight (which I think is longer than a month, but shorter than a year... if I am wrong change it to four score.)
One of my favorite features of the WWE's on demand service is WWE Legends. The show consists of a panel of wrestling experts (usually Jim Ross, Pat Patterson, Michael Hayes and a couple other rotating experts.) The panel usually faces the rotating expert and watches him spin. It's lots of fun.
Actually, they all smoke cigars and talk about the old days... in this case it was the late 1990s.
The episodes vary in length, but this one was actually 90 minutes... and I loved every second of it.


Resurrecting the Champ: This was a neat film where Sam Jackson plays a homeless man who claims to have once been a great boxer. I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't seen it so I will just say that it was a good movie.
If you have seen it... what is the deal with that video tape of Satterfield fighting Kincaid that the reporter finds. What are the odds that he found THAT tape. That is a plot hole that I saw even though I was hopped up on cough syrup.


Lucky Number Sleven: I wish they had made a sequel to this. "Lucky Number Sleight." Then "Luck Number Sline."
I wasn't crazy about this... until the end. For about an hour and a half I just kept waiting for it to end... but the ending was pretty dang good. Now I really want to see "Lucky Number Sleight".


The Comebacks: In the tradition of Scary Movie and Date Move... Which means it isn't really funny.
This is a parody of sports films... and it makes The Naked Gun 33 1/3 look like... uh... The Naked Gun.
At one point a player is running down the field and someone says "he's on fire" then they cut to him and... yup... he's on fire.
At another point someone says "what are you blind, referee?" Then they show the ref and he has the dark sunglasses and a seeing eye dog. Get it?
Kind of makes you appreciate the comic possibilities of Jim Ross and Pat Patterson watching a man spin around or "Lucky Number Slen".


Cop and 1/2: Burt Reynolds stars in a film directed by The Fonz... how could this not be awesome?


McShayne- Winner Takes All: This was an Ocean's Eleven knock off starring Kenny Rogers. I picked it up in a discount bin recently for $3. Kenny plays an ex-con who is recruited as part of a gang that wants to swindle the casino. Kenny's beard steals the film.


WWE Legends- Bad Asses: This time around Tazz joined the panel and they talked about tough guys in the WWE. That seemed to include everyone except for Shawn Michaels, Edge and Bastion Booger. This one also ran over 1 hour long but was so disjointed it didn't really live up to the high expectations the Monday Night War episode established.


Bushwhacked: This Daniel Stern comedy vehicle looked good enough to plunk down some cash and see it in the theaters back in the early 1990s. I think movies cost 50 cents back then.
Now, a decade plus later, I revisited the film. It's funny. Stern plays a criminal who ends up leading a group of Boy Scouts up a mountain. The plot didn't make sense to me as I watched it so I won't try and rehash it here.
Also interesting to note: with Daniel Stern playing a man on the run from the law was a bit of a call back to the earlier film with Kenny Rogers as an ex-con. Throw in Pat Patterson and criminals seemed to be the theme of the day.


WWE Legends Piper/Funk and Hogan/Backlund: This was a pair of episodes each highlighting two stars from the 1980s. In addition to the panel, they cut in some clips of some of their greatest moments. I was so happy to see Bob Backlund doing step exercises at ringside and Terry Funk beat a ring attendant senseless for wearing his hat.


Cellular: This was an action packed film released over 4 years ago and I had been putting it off again and again. I wish I hadn't! It was awesome. Fast paced, lots of fun and some great scenes on the Santa Monica Pier (one of my favorite places in the world.)


United 93: I had been putting this one off for a few years, too. I wasn't too keen on seeing the film since I didn't really like World Trade Center (the other September 11th film released that year.)
I liked this one a lot. The story was actually somewhat uplifting, but had this weird feeling of a movie where you knew the ending in advance.
On a happy note, the film featured Sledge Hammer! star David Rasche. In an odd twist... it also featured an actor named David Basche. Believe me, I had to re-watch the credits just to make sure the cough syrup wasn't getting to me.


Meet The Spartans: After The Comebacks, I wasn't too keen on watching this... but I needed some laughs so I followed up United 93 with another movie in the vein of Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Superhero Movie, etc, etc, etc. Of course, there were no laughs.
This one was a parody of 300 and the reoccurring joke seemed to be that it's funny to see warriors appear on game shows. They would be walking through a field and then they would be on Deal or No Deal or So You Think You Can Dance or some other nonsense.


Secret of the Sword: What better way to cap off a week's worth of movies than with He-Man. This was He-Man's first movie to be released theatrically, and it also sets up the She-Ra series.

The film is actually a bunch of episodes of the She-Ra series and it feels like it. After the main story is told which I guess told us the "secret" of the sword (Spoiler: I think the secret was that the sword belonged to She-Ra) He-Man and She-Ra just seem to go on adventure after adventure. Every 20 minutes the movie wraps up and then starts again.
Also, it really highlights what little thought went into She-Ra. Everything about her world is identical to He-Man's just with different names.
Still, it was 90 minutes of He-Man and that made me feel better.

If it wasn't for the lack of Orko it would have been a perfect end!

My Menu Board

It may not surprise anyone that my life is full of obscure movie quotes. I constantly use them and rarely cite the reference.

If you as me what's for lunch I will probably tell you that Alejandro prepared a delightful menu, Chilean sea bass I believe.

If you want something that is spicy yet sweet, but not for ladies... I'd say Chilean Lance Bass.

But that's neither a movie reference or a menu item.

The Chilean sea bass line comes from Jurassic Park and (so far) has not graced the menu board in my kitchen, but a few other odd movie lines have been written on the board.

Here is what the board looks like right now:



Yankee Bean Soup... with spoon.

Do you get the reference? It's from Muppets Take Manhattan, it's the special that the Big Ragu looking guy tells Kermit the Frog about.

It made me laugh when I was a kid and when I watched the movie again last month I felt it was time to change the board.

Previously it had said:


(artist conception)

Frogdogs with fries $1, with onion rings $2.

I had an ongoing dare for this one. If you could tell me what movie I was referring to I'd give you $10. I even had a $10 bill stuffed behind the board for a few weeks.

Luckily none of my friends needed $10 enough to Google "frogdog" because then they probably would have found out it was also from Muppets Take Manhattan.

If you remember the film, Kermit and the gang head off to NYC where they try to sell a play. Unfortunately Kermit gets hit by a car and thinks his name is Phil Phillip Phil.

So as the rest of the gang prepares for the show, Kermit joins an ad agency and marries a Muppet dog named Samantha Pop.

Then nine months later Samantha Pop gives birth to a hideous frog/dog Muppet.

Kermit then summons the powers of the dark lord Beelzebub and cooks the mutant child on a pyre.

Then craving the flesh of mutants Kermit eats the Muppet, but only after first cooking some fries and onion rings and paying himself for the feast.

I'm sorry. I got a little too dark there.

Sorry, really.

Anyway, the frogdog line was actually from the Michael J. Fox and James Woods film The Hard Way. In the movie Woods orders a hot dog that is inexplicably called a "frogdog" there is also a scene in the movie where L.L. Cool J licks his lips and professes his love for the culinary treat of frogdogs.

Not kidding on that one. Seriously, was the Kermit the Frog stuff THAT much more bizarre than that?

Another menu board featured this:


(artist visualization)

Four fried chickens, 1 Coke.

This is a little less obscure, but still makes me smile. It's from The Blues Brothers (it's what Belushi orders when the go to Aretha Franklin's diner.)

I have changed the board a couple of other times. I think it said "pork chops and apple sauce" (from the Brady Bunch) and I seem to remember writing some kind of joke based on the war films Hamburger Hill and Pork Chop Hill.

One day I just wrote Cookie Puss and Fudgie the Whale on the board. I wasn't being very creative, but I wanted to make a tribute to Tom Carvel's masterworks.