The bunchojunk.com MLB Quiz

Time to throw the old horsehide. Draw the chalk lines. Swing the ol’ Louisville Slugger. These expressions are used to describe two major events popular with men everywhere: the baseball season and murdering one’s mother-in-law. Today, let’s stick to baseball.

What follows is a quiz. The quiz is not designed to actually test your knowledge of baseball. It has been designed simply to allow me to write short sentences with lots of space between them to give the reader the illusion that they read more than I have actually written.

Enjoy.


1) What happens at the end of the famous poem “Casey at the Bat”?
a. Casey strikes out
b. Casey hits a homerun
c. Casey becomes addicted to opium and runs away with the daughter of a Chinese railroad worker.



2) What is the “Cy Young Award” named for?
a. A famous baseball pitcher
b. A brand of baseball
c. The words that appeared on Connie Mack’s typewriter after a drunken Babe Ruth slept on it



3) Which of the following cities does NOT have a Major League team?
a. Las Vegas
b. Anaheim
c. Pittsburgh, Milwaukee and Kansas City (come on, admit it)



4) What does “RBI” mean?
a. Run batted in
b. Running the bases inside
c. Ruth Buzzi In the hizzi!



5) George W. Bush was once was part owner of a Major League Baseball team. Which one?
a. The Texas Rangers
b. The San Diego Padres
c. The Texis Rungers (Get it? Because he’s supposed to be stupid and thus may have misspelled the name of his OWN team! Har dee har har!)



6) Which President did not own a professional baseball team?
a. Warren G. Harding (part owner of a minor league team in Ohio)
b. Bob President (not a U.S. President, just a guy with the LAST NAME President)
c. George Bush – but he was too stupid to realize he owned it because he is not smart! Har dee har har! (Sorry, I have been stealing my jokes from The Tonight Show lately)



7) Sparky Anderson is the name of:
a. An outstanding baseball manager with three World Series wins to his name
b. One of ‘The Little Rascals’
c. Paris Hilton’s dog



8) Shea Stadium, home of the NY Mets, is named for:
a. William Shea, the famous attorney
b. The anagram “Seats Have Extra Ass-room”
c. That’s an acronym, not an anagram, you idiot



9) Actor Paul Giamatti is the son of former Baseball Commissioner Bart Giamatti:
a. True
b. False
c. Let me apologize for using the word “ass” among the answers for the last question. It is a rather crass word and one I try not to use on this site. Still, after weighing the potential comedy in that answer I decided it was worth it.
Also, let me apologize for the two answers that mocked the President of the United States. It is clearly in poor taste to do so. I thought that adding the “har dee har har” it would make the line work two ways; as a joke mocking the President and mocking those who mock the President. Instead it just made me sound like a dork.



10. Which of the following was NEVER the name of the St. Louis Cardinals Franchise?
a. The St. Louis Can opener salesmen
b. The St. Louis Brown Stockings
c. The St. Louis Perfectos


_____________________________________________________________________________

SCORING: The correct answer was “a.” for all 10 questions. If you answered anything else, just lie about it.

What's a motto?

If you read the title to this article and thought "nothing, what's a motto with you?" then you are as clever as I. Or we both spent waaaaaay too much time watching Rocky and Bullwinkle on TV.

Every US state has an official motto. Often, NO ONE knows what it is. Not even the people who live there. Even people that think they know the motto usually don't. They usually confuse the state's nickname or song or even some blurb off the state license plate as an actual motto.

To put you on the cutting edge I have decided to share the mottos with you. I also shared the Rocky and Bullwinkle thing so you are double blessed!

Alabama: Audemus jura nostra defendere (We dare defend our rights)

Good old Alabama. Threatening people with their slogan! God bless them. I should note that many of the slogans are not in English. This was to insure that they would be EVEN more boring.

Alaska: North to the Future

What? It sounds like Peter North's version of Back to the Future. Very odd. North? What does that mean? I know Alaska is 'north' of the mainland United States. Does that make the mainland the FUTURE? Way to go Alabama! No wonder you are so busy defending yourself! You ARE the future.

Arizona: Ditat Deus (God enriches)

And so does the Wonder Bread company.

Arkansas: Regnat populus (The people rule)

I have been there. Wal-Mart rules. Get used to it.

California: Eureka (I have found it)

There’s gold in them there teeth!

Colorado: Nil sine Numine (Nothing without Providence)

Since Providence is in RHODE ISLAND, Colorado is officially NOTHING!

Connecticut: Qui transtulit sustinet (He who transplanted still sustains)

Wow, this seems more like a scavenger hunt clue than a motto.
He who transplanted still sustains, and Carmen Sandiego is hiding in a dark room with lots of tuna.

Delaware: Liberty and independence
Florida: In God we trust

A couple of standard ones here. Any less creative and they would have just gone with the word "motto" as their motto. If I were Delaware I would change the motto to "GOLDENPALACE.COM". That would raise some quick cash.
Florida should just be honest and change theirs to "When you can't vacation in California or Hawaii, come here."

Georgia: Wisdom, justice, and moderation
Hawaii: Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina I Ka Pono (The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness)
Idaho: Esto perpetua (It is forever)
Illinois: State sovereignty, national union

There are a few winners here. Hawaii made theirs read like a badly traslated fortune cookie.
Idaho just wanted to make sure they never had to go through the whole motto process again.
Still, Illinois stands out because theirs sound like the name of my bank.

Indiana: The Crossroads of America

Indiana dares to dream big. Or they were big fans of the Britney Spears film or the Ralph Macchio film. Or, hopefully, both.

Iowa: Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain
Kansas: Ad astra per aspera (To the stars through difficulties)
Kentucky: United we stand, divided we fall
Louisiana: Union, justice, and confidence
Maine: Dirigo (I lead)

Iowa is concerned about liberties and rights. Kansas on the other hand is more concerned with the "difficulties" of the "stars". Kansas is the People Magazine of states.
Also, if you ever dance with someone from Maine, expect them to lead.
Maryland: Fatti maschii, parole femine (Manly deeds, womanly words)
I LOVE this one! It sounds like it is describing someone who is reading poetry with a mouth FULL of chewing tobacco. Also I like the way it looks in Latin (or what ever language that is): Fatti maschii, parole femine. I think I went to school with Fatti Maschii. Nice girl, but she smelled funny. Kinda like Play-do. As for Parole Femine, I think that was the name of a French 'women in prison' flick. I never saw it.

Massachusetts: Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem (By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty)
Michigan: Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice (If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look around you)

I wish that Michigan ended theirs with "you idiot." That would be awesome.

Minnesota: L'Étoile du Nord (The North Star)

Now starring in North to the Future.

Mississippi: Virtute et armis (By valor and arms)
Missouri: Salus populi suprema lex esto (The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law)
Montana: Oro y plata (Gold and silver)
Nebraska: Equality before the law

The last few mottos are only interesting to those that live there, those who like gold and silver and Judge Dredd. Remember, he IS the law.

Nevada: All for Our Country
New Hampshire: Live free or die
New Jersey: Liberty and prosperity
New Mexico: Crescit eundo (It grows as it goes)

I am glad to see that both New Mexico and Chia Pets share a motto.

New York: Excelsior (Ever upward)
North Carolina: Esse quam videri (To be rather than to seem)

Is it just me, or could these mottos also be quotes from a kung fu movie?

North Dakota: Liberty and union, now and forever: one and inseparable
Ohio: With God all things are possible
Oklahoma: Labor omnia vincit (Labor conquers all things)
Oregon: Alis volat Propriis (She flies with her own wings)

Oregon was sniffing airplane glue and listing to Frank Zappa when they made their motto.

Pennsylvania: Virtue, liberty, and independence
Rhode Island: Hope
South Carolina: Animis opibusque parati (Prepared in mind and resources) and Dum spiro spero (While I breathe, I hope)

South Carolina was not satisfied with just ONE, they have TWO. They eve one up Rhode Island by not just having "hope" but "breathing".

South Dakota: Under God the people rule
Tennessee: Agriculture and Commerce
Texas: Friendship
Utah: Industry
Vermont: Vermont, Freedom and Unity

Vermont was smart enough to include the word "Vermont" IN their motto. I bet the rest of them wished they thought of that!

Virginia: Sic semper tyrannis (Thus always to tyrants)
Washington: Al-Ki (Indian word meaning “by and by”)
West Virginia: Montani semper liberi (Mountaineers are always free)

Yikes! I better go get my Mountaineer in West Virginia! I paid over 25 grand on a used one (but it has a sweet CD player.)

Wisconsin: Forward
Wyoming: Equal rights

So there you have it. Every state motto I could find without looking too hard. I hope you liked it.

Jim Abbott: The One Handed Pitcher

Jim Abbott was living proof that ANYONE can do ANYTHING. Or at least he’s proof that a guy with one hand can be a pretty good baseball player.

Jim Abbot was born without a right hand but loved to play baseball. He was good at it. In fact, he was so good that after play college ball Michigan he was call directly up to the California Angels without a single game in the minor leagues.

Jim’s jump to the starting rotation back in 1989 turned quite a few heads. Many felt that the movie was a publicity stunt and at the beginning of the season they seemed to be right.

His season had a very rocky start and he wasn’t winning like the team had hoped. He was doing so poorly he couldn’t have scored with Madonna.

Oh wait, that didn’t make sense. He was a pitcher; the BATTERS were trying to score. Let me try again:

He was doing so poorly that the batters he pitched at could have scored with Madonna.

Nah, it just doesn’t work. Sorry to have wasted your time.

Anyway, Jim played much better as time went on and ended up faring pretty well at the end of his rookie season.

Seeing Jim Abbott pitch was really a sight to behold. He wore his glove on the stump as he threw and then would quickly put it on his throwing hand after releasing the ball. This would be so he could field any balls that came his way

He had a wonderful season in 1991 when he won 18 games for the Angels. A year later he played for the Yankees and pitched a no-hit game. This put him in, what is called, pitching's second highest "club". I assume that the highest club is either ‘pitchers who have thrown a perfect game’ or ‘guys who Pete Rose didn’t bet on’.

He was a solid pitcher until in 1996. That year he posted a pathetic 2-18, 7.48 ERA. Still, how many guys do you know that could pull off that record in the majors with 2 hands?

Today Jim works as a motivational speaker and tells people to cut their hands off to help their pitching. Sometimes, if there is a one legged guy in the crowd he will challenge him to a butt kicking contest.

One final note: Jim played most of his games in the American Leagues where they have the ‘designated hitter rule’ that means that pitchers have a guy to hit for them (especially if they have had too much to drink.) Still Jim did have to bat 23 times. He would hold the bat with one hand at the plate. Amazingly he got two career hits. I can only hope the pitchers that surrendered them did the honorable thing and shot themselves in the head right there on the mound.

Mocking the list: bunchojunk.com’s Greatest movie bowlers of all time

Yes, it is a list that appeared on THIS site, and yes it deserves to be mocked. Who did I think I was, proclaiming myself an expert on movie bowlers? I am prepared to take myself down a peg.

10. Axel (Chuck Aspegren) - Deer Hunter
Yes, there was bowling in the Deer Hunter. Aspegren, who oddly NEVER ACTED AGAIN, played Axel. Axel is the stand out bowler in the scene due to his commitment to the game. After rolling the ball, Axel chases it down the lane. True, this is not within the rules, but it is funny.

What a start. The first movie bowler is a guy who can’t bowl and possibly couldn’t act.

9. Arnie (Jeremy Piven) - Family Man
Arnie and Jack (Nicolas Cage) are neighbors, and like ALL good neighbors, they bowl together. Arnie has some skills on the lane, but it is his skill OFF the lane that puts him on the list.
Jack is thinking of cheating on his wife, but it is Arnie who talks some sense into him. This Buds for you Arnie!

How clever of me to mention a character no one has ever heard of from a movie no one remembers. Oh, by the way that was sarcasm.

8. Buck Russell (John Candy) - Uncle Buck
Yes, aside from making awesome pancakes, Uncle Buck is a bowler. He takes the kids out for a night at his favorite bowling alley, ensuing another generation of Russell’s will knock down pins.

Are you starting to notice the trend? This isn’t the GREATEST movie bowlers, it’s EVERY movie bowler I could think of listed in some random order.

7. The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo) - Mystery Men
Sure, it is quite a conceit to call yourself THE Bowler, but who can resist a bowling superhero? The Bowler uses her special bowling ball to STRIKE down TURKEYS and SPARE the innocent. Puns are stupid. I am sorry for that whole strike/turkeys/spare sentence.

I am down with any list that includes Janeane Garofalo. This includes the BEST JANEANE GAROFALO MOVIES list and the SUCKIEST JANEANE GAROFALO MOVIES list.

6. Michael J Fox (Daniel McTeague ) - Greedy
A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relative’s money. Michael plays Daniel, a pro bowler.
Too bad he wasn't Marty McFly, then he could have thrown the ball 1.21 jiggowatts faster. Or he could have gone back in time and stopped himself from appearing in The Hard Way.

Well, I do have to give myself credit for this choice and EXTRA credit for not making an Anna Nicole Smith joke after the line “A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relative’s money”. Well played, me, well played.

5. Head Pin Pal (Monti Ellison) - Six-String Samurai
In one of the greatest movies no one ever saw, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to be crowned King. Heavy Metal, is doing everything he can to stop him. Three of the goons that Heavy sends after Buddy are the Pin Pals.
The Pin Pals conceal knives in their bowling pins, so they are always ready to rumble.
Of the three Pin Pals, it is the head Pin Pal who is most intimidating with his shaved head and bad attitude.
When he sees Buddy's suit he udders the words no one will ever forget.
Head Pin Pal: Nice tuxedo. Nice tuxedo to die in.
Indeed.

If I do one thing with this list, I hope I get people to see THIS fine, underrated film. If I do TWO things I hope I can get people to give me free money.

4. The Dude (Jeff Bridges) - The Big Lebowski
As laid back as a La-z-boy recliner (in the reclined position, or turned on it's side) The Dude is the perfect counterpart to Walter's uptight bowling prowess.
Ever the underachiever, the Dude would be more comfortable at number four than number one, and that is where he is.
Sure, he may have been willing to bend the rules for Smokey, but you gotta love a guy who listens to audiotapes of bowling matches.

The Dude abides, and so do I.

3. Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) - Kingpin
So what if his name is slang for loser. So what if he loses the big game. Roy, is a LIKEABLE LOSER. You root for him, even though he always lets you down. It's like being a Milwaukee Brewers fan (if there is such a thing.)

Perhaps the best bowling comedy ever made. Glad to see it made my list.

2. Donny (Steve Buscemi) - The Big Lebowski
The Dude was the star of the story, but Donny was the star of the team. Bucking conventional wisdom Donald adopts the nickname Donnie, but opts for the Swedish spelling 'Donny.' Thus, he gets to correct people who misspell his name all the time. Donny throws the ball hard, as he so eloquently puts it 'I am throwing rocks, tonight.'
Sure, he gets John Lennon confused with Vladimir Lenin, but who among us HASNT? Can you honestly say that you have not heard Let It Be on the radio and asked yourself "Is this the Beatles? Or that guy who split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party in 1918?" I bet you cannot.
Donny throws strikes throughout the movie, but at the end, he misses. Soon, Donny dies of a heart attack. If only his heart were as big as his bowling ball. Of course, that kind of anomaly would probably have killed him sooner.

Note to self, begin work on the bowling ball heart invention immediately. Later, use it to rule the world (or at least use it when I split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party.)

1. Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) - The Flintstones
Old 'Twinkle Toes Flintstones' tops the list. Were you expecting anyone else? Fred, the predecessor to Homer Simpson, is possibly the greatest bowler that ever lived.
Playing alongside his Water Buffalo brethren, Fred took the sport to a new level. Always bowling on his tippy toes, Fred knocks 'em down like few others.
Plus, if he is stuck with a 7-10 split, he can make the ball split halfway down the lane to get both pins.

Fine choice to put Fred on top. Overall the list was actually pretty good. Funny and full of references to some great films that I had forgotten about. Still, I don’t think I could think of one more bowling movie if I tried for a week.
That will change when documentaries are made about my secret bowling ball heart.

Instrumental Lyrics

There are many great TV theme songs that are instrumentals. Often we are able to remember them BETTER than some of the songs that have lyrics.

I picked out four of the greatest for us to take a look at.

1. The “Andy Griffith Show” theme: This is as upbeat a tune as any whistled track in history. It’s probably the very first song anyone would whistle if they were asked to whistle.
2. The “I Love Lucy” theme: A fine example of a great theme song. It is short but very memorable.
3. “The Musters” theme: Who doesn’t love this song! It is one of the coolest TV theme songs imaginable and it has become a Halloween staple.
4. The “M*A*S*H” theme: A somber tune that set the tone of this dramatic comedy.

These are all great songs WITHOUT lyrics, but did you know that they all HAD lyrics? Yup all four of these themes had lyrics at some point! Let’s take a look:

The “Andy Griffith Show” theme: Actually called “The Fishin’ Hole” this tune was composed by Herbert W. Spencer and Earle H. Hagen. Hagen is also the one that does the whistling on the track.
The tune is simple and its reference to ‘the fishin’ hole’ is appropriate. In the opening sequence Andy and Opie are walking to the pond with their fishing rods in hand.

It’s funny to look back at little Ron Howard playing Opie. Who would have guessed that a few decades later he would be wearing a baseball cap constantly to conceal his bald head?

The Andy Griffith Show Theme Song Lyrics
Well, now, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole.
We may not get a bite all day, but don't you rush away.

What a great place to rest your bones and mighty fine for skippin' stones,
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade, a-settin' in the shade.

Whether it's hot,
Whether it's cool,
Oh what a spot,
for whistlin' like a fool.

What a fine day to take a stroll and wander by The Fishin' Hole.
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

We'll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin' Hole.
There'll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.

If we don't hook a perch or bass, we'll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw, and maybe set and jaw.

Hangin' around,
takin' our ease,
watchin' that hound,
a-scratchin' at his fleas.

Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole.
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

Isn’t that a sweet tune? I do feel bad for Old Dog Trey, however, with his flea infestation. Other than that it’s a great song and I am glad I know the lyrics. Now I can sing them whenever someone starts whistling and maybe a third person could join in playing the mouth harp. Then we could become a smash hit all around the nation until the mouth harpist chokes on a ham sandwich. That would break our spirit and spell the end of the band.

The “I Love Lucy” theme: The lyrical version is actually featured in a famous episode of the show. Ricky sings it to Lucy and then they hug, kiss and go home to sleep in separate twin beds. The first verse is not in the instrumental version we hear in most syndicated airings of the show.

I Love Lucy Theme Song Lyrics
There's a certain couple that I know.
They're strictly lovebirds,
A pair of turtle dove birds.
He's a guy who wants the world to know.
So ev'ry day
You'll hear him say

I Love Lucy and she loves me,
We're as happy as two can be,
sometimes we quarrel but then,
How we love making up again.

Lucy kisses like no one can,
She's my missus and I'm her man,
And life is heaven you see,
Cause I Love Lucy,
Yes I Love Lucy,
and Lucy loves me.

Wonderful tune, I bet you will never hear the instrumental version again without subconsciously sticking these words into it.

“The Musters” theme: Robert Mosher, the producer of the show, originally penned the song with lyrics. It was deemed, however, that the tune was catchier WITHOUT the words. The vocal version was later released on a children's album.

The Munsters Theme Song Lyrics
When you are walking down the street at night
And behind you there’s no one in view.
But you hear mysterious feet at night,
then the Munsters are following you.

If you should meet this strange family
just forget what some people have said,
the Munsters may shake your hand clammily
but they’re not necessarily dead.

Behind their house you mustn’t be afraid
to see a figure digging with a spade.
Perhaps someone didn't quite make the grade
with the Munsters, with the Munsters.

If when you're sleeping you dream a lot,
ghoulish nightmares parade through your head,
and then you wake up and scream a lot,
oh the Munsters are under your bed.

At midnight if creatures should prowl about,
and if vampires and vultures swoop down.
And werewolves and fiends shriek and howl about,
oh The Munsters are out on the town.

One night I dared peak through their window screen,
my hair turned white at such a crazy scene.
Because every evening it’s Halloween
at the Munsters, at the Munsters.

Jeez! I understand why they didn’t use these! My favorite part is when there is a guy digging a grave for someone who dared to cross The Musters. Butch Patrick who was one of the child stars of the show later recorded a version of the song on a solo album he recorded.


The “M*A*S*H” theme: Many people are familiar with this one. It was featured in the film that preceded the series and received a good amount of radio play. Still, it is surprisingly grim for a show that was so funny. The song was called “Suicide is Painless”.

M*A*S*H Theme Song Lyrics
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
'is it to be or not to be'
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you choose

So, what did we learn today:

1. Never judge a song by it’s instrumental
2. Never dismiss Butch Patrick
3. Never trust a man with a mouth harp

See ya at the fishin’ hole!

Burger King's Left Handed Whopper

On April 1st, 1998 Burger King ran a full page ad in the USA Today. The ad advertised the "Left-Handed Whopper".

 The sandwich didn't actually exist; it was just an April Fool's Day joke.

Taking a full page advertisement in USA Today as a joke was a very risky proposition. For starters, few of the people that purchase USA Today can actually read. Second thing, the ad was mocking both left-handers and anyone naive enough to fall for the hoax.

The hoax worked out to be a minor success, generating much more publicity than a usual ad would garner. The joke ad was covered by other media outlets including television stations, radio and other newspapers. I'm sure that USA today also did a pie chart of some kind the next day.

The ad said this new Whopper was made of the same ingredients as the regular Whopper: lettuce, tomato, artificial cow meat, etc.

The difference was that this Whopper "all condiments rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of the burger."

Burger King's senior VP of marketing said "We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to order our flagship WHOPPER sandwich. Now we are offering 1,025 ways. It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY' for our left-handed customers,"

I doubted his claim of 1,024 ways and assumed that the claim was also part of the hoax. Instead I found that they DO have a list of 1,024 ways that you can order a Whopper. Here are some of the entries:

12. You can order it from a girl.
87. You can spit when you talk as you order it.
301. You can order it and then realize you forgot your wallet in the car and then ask them to wait for you.
478. You can order a Big Mac and then we the cashier tells you that McDonalds sells THAT sandwich you can say "OK, I will have a Whopper, then."

Yeah, you really get to have it YOUR way.

The next day Burger King put out a follow up ad explaining the prank. They also said that many people showed up at the restaurant looking for the sandwich. They also got some people ordering a "right handed version".

I think I found my TARGET AUDIENCE!