Holy String Day

A bunchojunk.com children's story
"I'm a little cupcake!" shouted Little Cupcake.

"I'm not!" shouted The Knot.

Then the knot untied itself and went to the temple to celebrate "Holy String Day" with his family and Robin the Boy Wonder.

"I'm still a little cupcake!" shouted Little Cupcake.

"So? I'm a gigantic donut!" said Little Donut.

"No, you are a little donut." said Little Cupcake.

"True," said Little Donut "but I am taking steroids."

"Let's go drop crumbs on Sheetcake." said Little Cupcake.

"Tee hee hee." said Little Donut.

"Snicker, snicker, snicker." snickered Little Cupcake.

"Mounds Bar, Mounds Bar, Mounds Bar." said a Snickers Bar that happened to be wandering by.

Then they all ran over to the Sheetcake.

"Stop right there," shouted Sheetcake "or I will cover your pastry side with icing!"

"Oooh, I'm quivering in my boots." said Little Cupcake.

"Oooh" Quipped Little Donut "I am a donut and thus I do not wear any kind of restrictive footwear."

"How about something comfortable like a sandal or a loafer?" suggested Sheetcake.

"Well, maybe." said Little Donut.

So they all jumped in Snickers Bar's white luxury van and drove to the shoe store where they all got footwear and lollypops.

THE END

Reeses

It seems the H. B. Reese Candy Company has a little too much time on its hands. For many years they sold a delicious peanut butter and chocolate cup. Then they offered a different product featuring peanut butter inside a small candy shell. For many years, this was enough.

However, lately the company has spiraled rapidly into some schizophrenic candy machine producing new products at a rate so high that there will soon be a different type of candy for every man, woman and child on earth.

Right now, they have scientists coating every kind of meat, cheese and carpet fiber with peanut butter in hopes of continuing their world domination.

And it started so slowly. A few years back they came up with the Nutrageous bar (the candy bar, not the male strip joint Elton John hung out in during the 80’s.) Its name conveyed the shock that people have upon encountering a new candy bar.

MAN ONE: Hey, wanna try this new candy? It has chocolate and peanuts.
MAN TWO: What are you doing in my home, you stranger?!?!?! This is an outrage!
MAN ONE: No, it’s a nut-rage.
MAN TWO: That’s a stupid name.

So, the world gradually accepted Nutrageous. Then, they mounted their second attack: a full scale roll out of enough kinds of peanut butter cups to make all of Pittsburgh diabetic just from smelling the sugar.

All this from a small company that started in the 1920s. The company was founded by Harry Burnett (H.B.) Reese, a former employee of Milton S. Hershey, founder of Hershey. Reese was so inspired by Mr. Hershey's success that he decided to make his own living in the candy industry.

The candy became more popular during the 1940s and was well recognized due to its orange and yellow package.

In 1963, the H.B. Reese Candy Company, Inc. was sold for $23.5 million to the Hershey Chocolate Company, creating a monopoly strong enough to topple any nation that opposed them.

Timeline:
1917: Harry Burnett Reese moves to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

1957: Reese builds 100,000 square-foot factory in Hershey.

1963: Hershey purchases H.B. Reese Candy Company.

1978: Reese’s Pieces are introduced

1994: Nutrageous makes its debut

1999: ReeseSticks, a wafer, peanut butter and chocolate is introduced

2001: Reese Fast Break becomes the newest member of the candy family

2003: Hershey introduces Limited Edition White Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, Inside Out and Big Cup peanut butter cups.

2004: An Extra Smooth and Creamy variety of Reese’s peanut butter cups is unveiled

2005: Reese’s Fudge, yet another peanut butter cup is released

2007: (projected) A humanoid peanut butter cup is introduced

2009: (projected) Training on the ‘master race’ of peanut butter cup soldiers begins

2012: (projected) The end of the human race

2014: (scheduled) Tupac Shakur releases another posthumous CD.

You’ll Never Weiz in This Town Again

Last October The Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. in fabulous Hollywood California had a peculiar paint job. In giant letters it read “My Son Is Not Dead.”

It seems like a strange announcement to make, but it is a little clearer when you realize who owner Mitzi Shore’s son is: Pauly Shore.

…and he’s not dead. Pauly is very much alive.

Now, I know you want to make the joke “he may not be dead, but his career is!” Well, you’re too late. Pauly beat you to that joke and he made it funnier than you could have. But don’t pout, just substitute Chevy Chase and move on.

Pauly’s new movie "Pauly Shore Is Dead" is all about the death of his career and it is one of the funniest most original films I have ever seen.

Appearing briefly on movie screens in California, New York and (for reasons I don’t fully understand) Tennessee, North Carolina and Virginia, the film is now on home video.

The film starts off with a Charlie Sheen cameo and a short bio of Pauly. Then we see Pauly’s life in 1997. Things look pretty good for the Weizel. He is surrounded by friends as he watches the debut of his doomed Fox sitcom. Soon, the show is cancelled and Pauly is forced to sell his house to Carrot Top.

Depressed and broke, Pauly is visited by the ghost of Sam Kinison. Sam tells Pauly to kill himself so he can become a legend.

A gunshot later and Pauly is the biggest star in Hollywood. MTV runs a 24 hour tribute and the Weizel is on the cover of every magazine. The only problem is he isn’t really dead.

The movie is a bizarre laugh riot full of cameos from some of the biggest names in entertainment. Pauly spends time in jail with Tommy Lee, Todd Bridges and Heidi Fleiss. Britney Spears, Ellen Degeneres, Chris Rock, Pam Anderson and Ben Stiller react to his death. Sean Penn talks about his desire to work with Pauly.

The cameos come so often and are such big names that it makes your head spin. Some celebrities show up to mock their own stalled careers. Remember that Rico Suave video? Well, he shows up, still wearing the same headband. Only instead of dancing and pointing at pretty girls, he is selling oranges on the side of the road.

This brings me to another question, why oranges? I always see these guys selling oranges, candy and flowers. I understand the candy and flowers, as they are impulse items, but oranges? Why not sell cans of soup or Doritos? Why oranges?

I may never know. Anyway, as for "Pauly Shore is dead," I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who likes or HATES Pauly Shore.
Watch the trailer on paulyshoreisdead.com.

Skipper Alan Hale's Lobster Barrel

Alan Hale, the actor who played Skipper Jonas Grumby on Gilligan’s Island once had his own restaurant in Hollywood.

There are few things in life I could imagine that would be as good as having a lobster with the Skipper.

Perhaps shaving with Abe Lincoln or splitting a box of Ho Ho’s with John Travolta would measure up to the magnitude of eating with Skipper, but I doubt it (unless Abe lets you wear his hat, then all bets are off.)

Alan Hale was the son of a very successful movie actor also named Alan Hale. The elder Hale was born Rufus Edward MacKahan when he entered the movie business he went by the name Alan Hale. When his son was born he named him Alan Hale MacKahan.
The younger Hale then followed in his fathers footsteps under the name Alan Hale Jr. After his father passed away he dropped the “Jr.”

TRIVIA: Dropping the “Jr.” is street slang drinking a small bottle of liquor concealed in a sandwich.

Alan Hale was not the first choice to play the Skipper. Carol O’Conner was the first choice for series creator Sherwood Schwartz. According to Schwartz, O’Conner and many others were not right for the part because they lacked warmth that Hale exhibited. During Hale’s screen test Schwartz said he believed that Skipper would get mad at Gilligan, he would hit him with his hat BUT never hurt him.

This was important, because if the Skipper killed Gilligan they would probably have a better shot at getting rescued, thus ending the show early.

Speaking of which, it is important to note that Gilligan’s Island was not a huge success during its initial run. The show only lasted three seasons and was a moderate success in the television ratings finishing in 18th for the 1964 season, 22 for the next season and dropping out of the top twenty on it’s final season.

The show however prospered in reruns and is probably on TV right now as you read this.

The cast became world famous from the show (and its 3 follow up TV movies) but they did not receive any residuals from the syndicated re-airings of the programs. This left the cast a need to supplement their income with new jobs.

Unfortunately for most of them were somewhat typecast by the show (notable exception: Jim “Mr. Howell” Backus) making future acting jobs harder to come by.

Being typecast is an interesting scenario. It means that the public has become so enamored with a role that you played that they can not see you playing another part. It is at once a compliment and an insult. To put it simply “typecast” is the McDLT (and yes, it keeps the hot side hot and the cold side cold.)

Hale seemed to embrace the typecasting and loved being recognized every where he went.

This led him to the Lobster Barrel. The restaurant was located smack dab in the middle of the tourist area of Hollywood. Skipper Alan Hale’s lobster barrel offered patrons steak and seafood served by tuxedo-clad waiters for moderate prices. It was only open for dinner (5pm to 10:30pm, 1am on the weekends.

But the big attraction was Hale himself who made the rounds at the eatery to the delight of the customers. At the restaurant (and most other places) he would wear his signature captain’s hat.

Eventually, the Lobster Barrel closed its doors and Hale started a new business venture, a travel company. I am sure the “three hour tour” jokes eventually turned the receptionist into a raging alcoholic.

Alan Hale died in early 1992 and his ashes were scattered at sea. I am sure Skipper Jonas Grumby would have wanted it that way.

Today a restaurant called The Spanish Kitchen occupies the address once held by the Lobster Barrel. The food is good, the atmosphere is great, but there is no Skipper to greet you.

It’s enough to make you wanna drop the “Jr.”

UPDATE:
I just bought a GREAT new item on eBay. This is a matchbook from the Skipper's restaurant. Not sure what to do with it, though. Maybe I should light the matches one by one and smell what it would have smelled like in the Lobster Barrel (assuming some jerk was standing next to you lighting matches.)
Either way, I am jazzed to the max at this new find. Seems odd someone would save a pack of matches for a few decades only to sell them on eBay for a sum of money so small I could have barely used it for a dollar store shopping spree. I think I will play with them later (I never listened to the 'don't play with matches rule.')

The Worst of bunchojunk.com

I know what you are thinking: "Sweetie is doing a 'best of' list but as a joke, he is calling it a 'worst of' list."

Well, that is wrong.

This is indeed THE WORST OF BUNCHOJUNK.COM

MAD magazine (who I admittedly ripped my entire style off of) does "The Worst of Mad" and it is really just a random bunch of reprinted articles. They just use the word 'worst' to be cutting edge and clever.

I am just using it because these articles are the worst ones on this site. And THAT is saying something. It’s not like this site is full of National Book Critics Circle Award winning writing or anything. This site is fully of poorly written mumbo jumbo lacking appropriate punctuation, grammar and often INTERESTING SUBJECT MATTER.

This isn’t to say that the articles below weren’t worth WRITING, they just weren’t worth sharing with the world.

Looking back at them I can see why they weren’t any good. At the time, however, I was pretty pleased with them. I can remember printing them out and showing them to loved ones only to have them read the first paragraph, then scan through to the bottom and hand the paper back and say “interesting.”



People named Stewart
It’s hard to put a positive a spin on this one. This was an idea I had that just didn’t work. It is a list of celebrities with the last name Stewart. I was hoping to find a bunch of information I could parlay into a funny feature length article. Unfortunately, despite the fact that many celebrities are named Stewart, they are just about the most BORING celebrities in Hollywood!
I did a similar list later of People Named Gene.
That one was pretty funny, the one on Stewart was AWFUL. Unfortunately, since I had done about 2 minutes of research on that I decided to cobble together something.
The result was list of “Obscure Trivia about celebrities named Stewart.” This was like the boring facts that Pepsi puts on the screen before the movie.
Highlight: Jimmy Stewart played the accordion (shocking revelation!)
Lowlight: Patrick Stewart has a cat (the man was Captain of the Enterprise and THAT was the best I could do?????!!!???)



Movie Box Office
This was back from the days of “Behind the Junk” it is one of the only articles from those days that survived. I am not even sure why.
This was originally written just to show to a friend of mine, but I was so desperate for content that I posted it.
I listed the top ten films and then wrote wacky headlines for both negative and positive reviews. I was doing it to make fun of how lame movie reviewers are. There are some funny jabs, but mostly it is about as stupid as a rerun of ‘Frasier’ (season 4 and above.)
One more thing, longtime readers may remember that “Behind the Junk” featured a quote at the end of each article. Since this was posted there, it has a quote too.
However, since that site is as distant a memory as the Jets Superbowl prospects, it now seems even MORE out of place.
Highlight: In the comments section a poster named “HatMatt71” did his own reviews for each film. His write up on ‘Stepford Wives’ was simply “What?”
That is the most perfect review I have ever read.
Lowlight: The negative review headline for ‘Garfield: The Movie’ was "More like CIGAR-Field, because it stinks like an old cigar."



My Fair Muppet
This was my review of one of my all time favorite films ‘The Muppet Movie.’ I guess the problem was that I rushed through it.
It starts off well, but is abruptly wrapped up at the end. I may have to do this one over one day. Kermit deserves better.
Highlight: I point out that the Arby’s mitt is a cheap rip-off of the Hamburger Helper.
Lowlight: Name dropping Mike Dika. I never thought I would sink so low.



A shocking Presidential scandal
I always thought this story about Amy Carter reading at the table was interesting. Too bad I was the only one who though so.
Highlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”
Lowlight: When listing the TV networks I called them “CBS, NBC and KFC.”



Pop-up goes the weasel
This article jumps from one subject to another, like a frog trapped in a room full of pieces of paper with the word “subject” on them.
In a rather short piece, I talk about pop-up ads, Superbowl commercials and perverts. Each subject was pretty good, on its own, but put together it reads like the writings of a drunken psychopath.
Highlight: I quote someone saying "I hate you and your website sucks."
Lowlight: “Comments: 0” NO ONE HAD ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS ONE!!! Never! It has been up there for MONTHS!!
Sad, truly sad.



Dynamite
This was a little piece on Dynamite magazine. I tied that in with the movie ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ because his name was Dynamite. Isn’t that clever?!?
Highlight: An mock interview with J.J. from ‘Good Times.’
Lowlight: A bunch of comments about Hilary Duff were actually funnier and longer than the actual article.



Anyway, those were the worst I could find. I enjoyed rereading them. It made me feel better about the NEWER articles. As Butthead once said (on ‘Beavis and Butthead’) "Sometimes you have to see stuff that sucks so you will know what stuff is cool."

Any junk I missed?

Roosevelt Franklin: The Muppet With the Same Name as a President

His name was Roosevelt Franklin and he was the coolest kid on Sesame Street. Growing up I worshiped this puppet. He was the ultimate bad boy and he was made out of felt.

I loved Sesame Street as a child, in fact I still do. I think it was the combination of bizarre humor and good natured puppets that attracted me to it then and still does.

This isn’t to say that the show is the same as it was then. Thing have certainly changed, with newer characters like Elmo and Zoe taking center stage along with old favorites like Oscar and Big Bird. And, for every new character that enters, it seems, another character leaves.

Some, leave with good reason. Take Sam the Robot, for example. No one really liked him and (I hear) he was cumbersome and difficult to perform.

Growing up, one of my favorite sketches revolved around a muppet named Don Music. Don would play the piano, but when he forgot the lyrics to the song, he would slam his head against the piano keys.

Don was eliminated when producers worried that kids would follow in his footsteps. Not by playing piano, but by banging their heads against the piano.

I know I did. I would bang my head so hard against the piano that I still have both ebony and ivory marks on my forehead. I also have the words ‘ebony’ and ‘ivory’ tattooed on my right and left ankles. But that is due more to my fanatical obsession with Stevie Wonder.

Roosevelt Franklin, too, did not last on Sesame Street.

You may remember Roosevelt. He was purple and had spiky hair and no nose. This meant he couldn’t wear sunglasses, but no matter, he was so cool he didn’t need shades.

Roosevelt’s skits took place in the classroom. Roosevelt would throw paper airplanes, make sarcastic comments and generally be a nuisance to the teacher.

And he often spoke in rhyme.

Here is one of his poetic verses:

Same Sound Brown was a rhymin' man
He could rhyme words faster than I bet you can
See if you said "moose,"
Brown would say "juice."
If you say ‘Moose juice,’:
He’d say ‘Loose Goose.
If you said ‘Juicy Loose Goose,’
Brown would say "Moosey Goose Juice.

Mmmmm. That made me hungry.
Roosevelt even put out a record called “My Name Is Roosevelt Franklin.” It featured such tracks as ‘Mobity Mosely’s Months’ and ‘Days of the Week” where Roosevelt tells us what he does on each day of the week.
In case you are interested he ‘eats eggs’ and ‘puts socks on his legs.’

According to Sesame Unpaved, a book about the history of the show, Roosevelt was abandoned because some felt he was a negative black American stereotype despite the fact that he was purple.

Also, they said that his behavior in the classroom segments set a bad example to the viewers.

Too bad, because there is a definite lack of Moosey Goose Juice on TV today.