The Monster M*A*S*H

I wanted to do a special article about the song Monster Mash.
There really wasn't much to do, the song is actually incredibly redundant, and except fot the part where Dracula whines about his "Translvania Twist," there isnt much to it.

So, insted I wrote a parody of Monster Mash about the TV show M*A*S*H and two of it's spin offs.

The spin off's included AfterMASH (where Klinger, Potter and Father Mulcahy work at a VA hospital) and W*A*L*T*E*R (where Walter 'Radar' O'Rielly becomes a police officer after the war.)

Let me apoligise in advance to Bobby "BORIS" Pickett (creator of the Monster Mash), Alan Alda, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Jason (the kid I used to beat up in third grade) and ANYONE who decides to read the entire song parody.

The Monster M*A*S*H
I was watching M*A*S*H* late one night
When my eyes beheld an funny sight
from my funny bone, laughs began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

It wasn't M*A*S*H*
It was AfterMASH
this AfterMASH
about a hospital staff
some guys from M*A*S*H*
were in this new cast
but it's not M*A*S*H*
It is After MASH

Colonel Potter had tried to start a new life
Retired from the Army spending time with his wife
But it got boring sitting around day after day
So he applied for a job- at the V.A.

Sorta like M*A*S*H*
but this was AfterMASH
The AfterMASH
Before the ratings crashed
It was like M*A*S*H
They called it AfterMASH
I prefer M*A*S*H
But, I'll watch AfterMASH

Klinger was stuck, spent time in jail
Potter came along and posted bail
offered him a job and Father Mulcahy, too
and soon enough their careers were through

Not from M*A*S*H
but from AfterMASH
because after M*A*S*H
was nothing but trash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash

Around the country people started to shout
They didn't understand what AfterMASH was about
They looked at the screen and shook thier fists
And said, "Whatever happened to Alan Alda?"

He was on M*A*S*H*
but not on AfterMASH
Why not AfterMASH
He didn't need the cash
From AfterMASH
It went off the air in a flash
Not much else rhymes with M*A*S*H
So, I'll repeat AfterMASH

Soon it was over, AfterMASH was canned
but another spin off was about to land
this one too had ratings that would falter
it starred Gary Burghoff and was called W*A*L*T*E*R

Radar from M*A*S*H
This parody is redundant-mash
kind of stupid-mash
hasn't been funny for three stanzas-mash
should have stopped earlier-mash
oh God, make it stop-mash
what does this even have to do with Halloween-mash?
Hey, I warned you-mash

The bunchojunk.com Halloween Quiz

1. The word witch comes from the Saxon word ‘wicca,’ which means _________.
a) wise one
b) night warrior
c) Theresa Heinz Kerry


2. The largest pumpkin on record weighed:
a) 150 pounds
b) 1,446 pounds
c) What the hell are you babbling about? What is this, Oprah? Who cares about this nonsense? Go back to writing articles about 80's fads, Dynamite Magazine, and NJ's gay Governor!


3. Black is associated with Halloween, because it is the color of death. Why is orange?
a) It is the color of harvest
b) It is the color of fun
c) It is the color of the Cleveland Browns! Go Dawgs!


4. It is generally believed that Halloween dates back to:
a) 700 B.C
b) 1921
c) Hey! Why is their color orange? Should it be brown? Plus, what kind of nickname is Dawgs? What moron came up with that?


5. Which of these sentences are true:
a) Vampire bats drink blood and are from Transylvania.
b) Vampire bats drink blood and are from Central and South America.
c) Vampire bats drink blood and Dick Cheney is their black hearted ruler.


6. Stingy Jack was an old Irish tale about a man unable to enter heaven. He used a turnip as a lantern, hence the name 'Jack O Lantern.'
a) candle
b) Jack Frost
c) Wait a minute, that isn't even a question! Also, you never answered me about the Cleveland Browns!


7. In episode 48 of Cheers, "Fairy Tales Can Come True", who fell in love at a Halloween party?
a) Cliff
b) Norm
c) Both Cliff and Norm... with each other.


8. Vampires have "Eisoptrophobia." What is that?
a) The fear of mirrors, or seeing oneself in a mirror
b) Fear of daytime
c) Fear of the word "Eisoptro"


9. The first wrapped penny candy in the US was:
a) Tootsie Rolls
b) Bazooka Gum
c) a New York streetwalker named Penny Candy (in 1892 she wrapped herself in old newspaper)


10. Americans spend 2 billion dollars a year on Halloween candy. That is enough money to buy:
a) A laptop computer for every public school child in America
b) 2 billion bottles of expired aspirin at the dollar store
c) Michael Jackson's freedom for the next 30 years









ANSWERS: 1.a, 2.b, 3.a, 3c. False, the Browns suck, 4.a, 5.b, 6. Maybe I should invite Dick Cheney over for the next Browns game, 7. Me and Theresa Hienz Kerry, 8.a, 9.a, 10. All of the above!

A Psycho Press Release

Our bunchojunk.com team has uncovered the following press release not yet available to the public.

(PRWEB) October 37, 2004 -- “I Wanna Be A Psycho”—a reality show involving 5 American and 5 Canadian would be Norman Bates, focuses on creating 10 successful knife wielding lunatics - then letting an off duty police officer shoot them. Through teamwork, technology, acting, and dead old ladies, these 10 individuals will live together in a small hotel off the highway. After the first season, these 10 contestants form the advisory committee and assist the next group of 10 future Psychos to reinforce a powerful prime time show. Oh wait, we said we were going to shoot them. Uh... maybe he will just shoot them in the leg.

“I Wanna Be A Psycho” looks at the systemic problems with being insane. Many of the traditional psychotic opportunities no longer exist. People used to be allowed to hang around that creepy uncle who asked you if you 'ever let your Barbies have a tea party naked.' Today, such behavior is frowned upon, but NBC is about to change that.

Based on the movie of the same name “I Wanna Be A Psycho” will put people into the shoes of Norman Bates and Marion Crane, but not the Norman Bates and Marion Crane played by Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins.
Insted they will be playing the Norman Bates and Marion Crane played by Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche in the 1998 remake. When we asked the producer how that would make any difference to the show he said "Hey, I'm not a producer, I am just a guy waiting for a bus."
Once the bus arrived, the driver asked "When did this stop being a press release and start being an investigative report?" After that we just cried and cried.

So, that's the press release. I don't know about you but I have a headache!

Rockin From the Grave

A few years back I stumbled into a bizarre alternate universe: Ollie's Bargain Outlet store.
Like all outlet stores, it features a bizarre mix of closeout items side by side with dollar store merchandise.

Still, Ollie's was different.

Maybe it was the clientele, and their lack of sleeves. Seriously, I like a good tank top as much as the next guy, but EVERYONE in the store was wearing one. Did they all look in the mirror that morning and say "Yes! I am going to share these armpits with the whole world!"??????

Or, perhaps it was the stack of novelty cereals based on movies that were over a year old, or the absurd display of Jenny McCarthy's biography on audio cassette.

Whatever the reason, Ollie’s seemed really odd to me. So, after grabbing a beverage I headed to the checkout line. Right by the checkout line was a large bin of strange closeout cassettes. The one that caught my eye was ROCKIN FROM THE GRAVE.
Released by K-Tel, Rockin is an attempt at a spooky Halloween party tape. You can listen to clips from the album on Amazon by clicking here. The CD has some extra music.

The tape starts off well with Theme From 'The Munsters' performed by Milton Delugg & The All Stars. This is not the version of the song that opened the TV show; instead it is a groovy rock and roll version of it.

Track 2 is Addams Groove by M.C. Hammer. This has got to be the stupidest song ever written. Here are some lyrics:

They do what they wanna do, say what they wanna say
Live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play
Dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend

What? KICK AND THEY SLAP A FRIEND? Hooo boy. Anyone wonder why Hammer doesn't rock the charts any more? Not only is this a bad lyric, it makes little sense. I have never seen any of the Addams kick or slap their friends.

Oddly, this isn't the dumbest rap song on the tape, but that comes later. Next is (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. Awesome song, too bad it's sandwiched between two stupid movie themed rap songs.

Track 4 is Nightmare on My Street by D.J. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. Fresh Prince raps about watching Nightmare On Elm Street (he never mentions it by name, they didn't get clearance.) At the end of the song, a pathetic Freddy Krueger impersonator chimes in.
He sounds more like Henry Kissinger, but he rattles off every Freddy catch prase they could think of. It was as if he was reading transcripts of Nightmare movie trailers. I almost expected him to say "rated R, starts Friday at the Cineplex Odeon." The song ends with Freddy killing DJ Jazzy Jeff, so I guess there was SOME good in it.

Next we get some pretty cool songs, neither of which really fit the Halloween theme: Black Magic Woman/Gypsy Queen by Santana and The Devil Went Down To Georgia by The Charlie Daniels Band.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia tells the story of Satan having a hoedown against a redneck.
You may think Satan would have used temptation to capture his soul, but instead he makes a bad bar bet.
Satan shows up and challenges Johnny to a duel. You would think that just by gazing upon Satan your eyes would melt and your blood would boil you alive, but not Johnny. Johnny puts his soul on the line against a fiddle 'made of gold.'
This is actually a pretty stupid prize. Sure, you melt down the Satanic fiddle and make a gold chain as big as Mr. T's, but why make a FIDDLE out of gold? Fiddles are generally made from wood, and crafted specifically so they music can flow from them. Gold would be a pretty lousy way to make a string instrument. It's no wonder the devil lost.

The chorus of this song goes like this:

He played Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny does your dog bite
No child, no

No the dog doesn't bite, but it will slap a friend.

What is this lyric about? Why is the devil in the House of the Rising Sun? I thought he was on a hickory stump in Georgia!

The cassette rolls on. Next is Freaks Come Out At Night by Whodini. This sounds like a brilliant Shakespearian sonnet after the nonsense that Hammer and Fresh Prince contributed earlier.

The Guess Who performs Clap For The Wolfman all about Wolfman Jack. He shows up and talks throughout the song. Man, I miss Wolfman Jack!

Rockin From The Grave closes with Twilight Zone by Golden Earring (Ghost) Riders In The Sky by The Outlaws and then Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs doing Lil' Red Riding Hood.

Overall, the tape is great, but don't really seem like a Halloween tape. Maybe you should just play them when you have some buddies over. Then you can slap a friend and think of Wolfman Jack.

Johnny Grant: Ceremonial Mayor of Hollywood

Johnny Grant is the Ceremonial Mayor of Hollywood and Chairman of the Walk of Fame Selection Committee. Anytime you see a celebrity get their star on the Walk of Fame you can bet that Johnny will be there. Johnny is also on hand when the biggest stars get to put their hands in cement outside Grauman's Chinese Theater.

In 1988 The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences awarded Johnny their highest honor the Los Angeles Area Governor's Award. The Governor's Award is the most important award at the Emmys. Winning it is like finding that hunk of pork fat in a can of pork & beans. Sure, the beans are great, but that pork fat (like the Governor's Award) is special.

The Governor's Award was Johnny's second Emmy. He has also received ten nominations and countless pieces of pork fat.

Grant debuted on radio in 1939. He broadcasted for a station in Goldsboro, North Carolina. He rose to fame covering Irby Holmes' murder trial. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Irby?’?) Grant broadcasted inside the court room, marking the first time microphones were allowed to cover a trial. So, in a way, Johnny is responsible for Kato Kaelin. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Kato?’?)

In 1980 Johnny was awarded his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. His star occupies the prime real estate in front of the Chinese Theatre, between Zsa Zsa Gabor and Glenn Miller. Johnny's star dedication drew one of the largest crowds ever and included a special fly-over by aircraft of the Civil Air Patrol. (As a side note, WHO names their kid 'Zsa Zsa?’?)

Five minutes after the ceremony, a homeless guy fell asleep on Johnny's star. (As a side note, I wish I knew the homeless guy's name show I could make fun of it.)

The opening credits from 'Three's Company'

Three's Company was probably the greatest Joyce DeWitt sitcom ever aired in the 1970's or 1980's.
The show ran for eight years, and then a few more in a hideous mutated form entitled Three's a Crowd.

Over the eight season's Three's Company used a variety of different opening credit sequences.

SEASON 1-3
The show used several shots of the beach in Santa Monica, California. Santa Monica is part of L.A. County and is located next to Beverly Hills about 15 minutes from Hollywood.
In the credit sequence, Jack was riding his bike and falls off of it when he passes a sexy brunette.
BTW, the brunette was actually Susanne Summers in a wig.
There were also shots of Janet watering plants, absentmindedly dumping water on Chrissy.
Then you see the Ropers. They had several different variations on their intro:

1. Mrs. Roper is throwing darts and hits Stanley with a rubber dart.
2. Stanley goes into the bathroom with a plunger.
3. Stanley is looking out the window with his binoculars, and gets caught by Mrs. Roper.
4. Stanley is reading in bed, until Mrs. Roper arrives. Then he pretends to be asleep.

There were four other variations that were not filmed:

1. Mrs. Roper is throwing darts and hits Stanley. He bleeds profusely.
2. Stanley goes into the bathroom with George Michael.
3. Stanley is looking out the window. Mrs. Roper hits him with a dart dipped in lethal poison.
4. Mrs. Roper tries to hide the body, but gets caught by George Michael.

SEASON 4-5
This season begins with them walking on the Santa Monica Pier (The famous Santa Monica Yacht Harbor.) They are shown walking on the boardwalk, sailing and riding on the carousel. In one sequence Jack is shown riding in a bumper car. he gets distracted by a pretty girl and then crashes.
The pier is very much the same today as it was then, even the Holiday Inn that is seen at the beginning of the pier is still in operation.
The bumper cars are gone, since a new amusement park has opened with new bumper cars.
However, legend has it that an old lady lurks around them telling people she was once attractive enough to cause Jack to crash his bumper car. She also claims to be from outer space. I believe her.

SEASONS 6-8
These opened at the LA Zoo. There were many different shots in these sequences. The gang rode on the zoo tram, saw lions and fed goats.
One memorable shot featured Terri standing by the flamingos. She then puts her leg up and pretends to be one.
I tried this, and was attacked by an extra friendly male flamingo.
He never calls me anymore. I miss you Milkdud.
Another shot featured Jack seeing a pretty girl and -you guessed it- falling over a fence.

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH JACK'S BALANCE? DID HE HAVE SOME UNDIAGNEOSED INNER EAR MALFUNCTION?

The Zoo looks a little different now. Last time I was there they were remodeling the entrance. The trams still run, but have been redesigned. Legend has it that an old lady lurks around them telling people she was once attractive enough to cause Jack to... oh wait did I do this joke already? Did I mention she claimed to be George Michael? If you are reading this, Milkdud, call me!