Smokey's Friends

Yes, little Timmy, you can't be friends with Smokey the Bear. Smokey the Bear will NOT be friends with anyone who plays with matches or your giant lighter that's the size of your foot.
Deal with it.
Get ready for a life spent hanging out with the wrong crowd. Drunks, prostitutes and gamblers will be the only pals you will have, Timmy. All because of the matches and lighters - AND the disfigurement to your thumb and finger.

Who can blame Smokey the Bear? Who would want to be seen with a guy with gross hands?

On the bright side, Smokey ROBINSON is willing to hang out with people who play with BOTH matches and lighters.

He just isn't willing to hang out with YOU.

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The WWF Ice Cream Bar

Ice cream trucks are an interesting thing. As a mode of transportation they are, at the very least, unusual but on a hot summer day they are the greatest vehicle ever made. Any kid who has just finished a sweaty game of kickball complete with "do overs" is bound to jump at the chance to get their hands on a desert on a stick.

The ice cream truck was usually a disappointment in my neighborhood. Not enough kids and those that did live there seemed to spend way too much time inside playing Dungeons and Dragons. My house was just around the corner from a busy county road so I never got the advance warning most neighborhoods got. We would hear the truck play its calliope music about 10 seconds before it made the turn (or skipped us completely.)

Then I would run inside to a mother who just took to long getting the change out of her purse. Dejected, I would walk out to the front yard with a freezer pop to try to enjoy it with the other kids as they ate their designer ice cream bars (all except for the weird Chinese kid who always bought soda from the ice cream man because it was forbidden in his house. He's gay now.)

This process seemed to be repeated 3 or 4 times a summer until the year the deli opened.

God bless the deli.

Soon, my chums and I had a new ritual: riding our bikes to the deli.

The ride to the deli was an easy trip through a nearby neighborhood. We just had to remember two turns so we COULD do it on our own. We just rarely did.

The reason was because of the Chinese kid. He once made a trip on his own and couldn't find his way back. I assume he was soda drunk. He ended up coming home in tears. So the edict was that we had to ALWAYS had to travel in packs.

The deli was like a mini-Disneyland for us. For the small sum of our lawn mowing cash we could choose from a handful of delightful items: Slim Jims, larger Slim Jim knock offs that were pretty gross, Mad magazine, little bags of dinosaurs or army soldiers and ICE CREAM.

Because the way TO the deli was uphill, ice cream was the most popular choice to cool off after the short ride.

It was at the deli that I discovered the greatest ice cream ever.

The WWF Ice Cream Bar.

I was a big fan of wrestling, so the WWF bar was a good choice for that reason alone. Still, my repeat purchase came only because the ice cream was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

The ice cream bars were, as all good ice cream, on a stick. The ice cream was a super sweet extra sugary vanilla. This was dipped in chocolate and topped with a cookie featuring a photo of one of the WWF superstars of the day.

This was where the ice cream bar sometimes failed. After all, if you were a big fan of Hulk Hogan could you really be comfortable holding merchandise featuring his arch nemesis Andre the Giant? Or if you liked Hacksaw Jim Duggan, would it be O.K. to bite his head off? Plus, who wants to eat ANYTHING that looks like Hacksaw Jim Duggan?

All these problems took a backseat to pure ice cream goodness.

Inside the package each bar contained a special trading card. Sure, it was just a flap of the box that they typed "trading card" on it, but that didn't stop us from collecting them. Or swapping our prized baseball cards just to get more.

If you are wondering, the ice cream bars still exist, now under the "WWE" banner. Still, they seemed to taste better before when they featured The Honky Tonk Man. I don't know why.

The Real Gilligan's Island Season 2

SPOILER ALERT: I will reveal the ending of the reality show 'The Real Gilligan's Island' in this article.
SPOILER ALERT #2: I will also reveal the real name of the actor who played Ralph Malph on Happy Days.

I thought since I did a recap of the first season of The Real Gilligan's Island it would be a good idea to do the same for this season.

First off, this season was superior to season one in every way. Really!

The setup was the same as last season. Two teams of seven were "stranded" on an island. Each team had a "Gilligan", a "Professor" etc. They would each be eliminated in a series of competitions, and then keep competing until there is only one castaway left.

The winner gets $250,000. Last season it was money and a Ford Mustang. This season it was just money. By the fifth season it will just be a pat on the back and parking validation.

Let's take a look at the competitions:

Crazy Skipper vs. Boring Skipper: In a match that involved scooping buckets of water out of a boat, craziness prevailed.

Love Professor vs. In Love Professor: The Love Professor is a radio love expert. The other Professor just kept making out with Mary Ann. The Love Professor beat The In Love Professor by hitting a toy submarine with a coconut.

Mean Mary Ann vs. Mary Ann With a Mole on Her Forehead: I wouldn't mention the mole except they mentioned it on the show a few times and now it's all I can think of. The other Mary Ann just moped and complained a lot. She is mean. I know this is true because I saw it on a reality TV show. Mean Mary Ann won a laundry competition to eliminate the other Mary Ann.

Silly Name Mr. Millionaire vs. Robbing the Cradle Mr. Millionaire: This was the best change the series made. Last season the Millionaires competed as a couple. This year they had to compete separately.
One Millionaire was named Mr. Bounce. They kept calling him Millionaire Bounce. This made me laugh because it sounds like a new P. Diddy dance craze.
The other one kept insisting he was robbing the cradle.
Unfortunately they did not compete in a cradle robbing competition. In the end Silly Name Mr. Millionaire won a golf competition.

Cradle Robbed Miss Millionaire vs. Mrs. Millionaire
Even though the theme song said "and their wives" only one set of millionaires was married. The other was engaged (but not engaging, oddly.) The wives went head to head in a gross food competition. The one who had been robbed from a cradle won. Her fiancée didn't. This broke up the Millionaire couple.


Angie Everheart vs. Erika Eleniak: Angie cut her hand and had to drop out early on in the show.

Blonde Gilligan vs. Diabetic Gilligan: Blonde Gilligan was INSANE. Still he lost in fishing competition. The other Gilligan was a sneaky bastard. I shall model my life after him.

When show came down to the remaining seven castaways each had a vote. Unlike last season there was one of EACH Millionaire couple. You may remember that last years Millionaire couple used their TWO votes to eliminate all the strong competition and win the show. It made for very dull and anti-climatic TV. This year every vote was a little surprising.

After a few nights of voting the final three castaways were:
Diabetic Gilligan
Skipper "Crazy Charlie"
and Erika Eleniak

The final competition was to find a shovel, dig up a box and build a fire (believe me it was much more exciting than it sounds.)

I was on the edge of my seat and cheering as Skipper Crazy Charlie got rescued. It was one of the greatest reality TV shows I have ever seen.

But, then again, I hate reality TV.

Oh yeah, Donny Most played Ralph Malph. I almost forgot about him (just like all of America.)

Frederic March-April 21, 1937

A distinguished actor, March started in the silent film days and kept working until the 1970s. His last film was a large supporting role in the 1973 Lee Marvin/Jeff Bridges picture The Iceman Cometh.

March also starred in the 1934 film Death Takes a Holiday (later remade as Meet Joe Black) as Death.

I liked reading about Frederic March. He was interesting, but not outlandish. From now on if the month of March is "interesting, but not outlandish" I shall call it a "Frederic March". I shall also use "quotation marks" as much as "possible" whether the sentence "warrants" it or "not".

Wash hands well

Ahh, this brings me back to my childhood. Back then I only washed my hands once a day compared to the 50 plus times I was them now (usually while screaming "I am so dirty! Why can't I get clean? Why must I keep stealing from Old Man Foster's place?" Yes, Old Man Foster, I live inside an Alvin & The Chipmunks cartoon.

All OCDs aside, this is an interesting piece to color. The girl in the photo must be an athlete because she is using a running hurdle as a towel rack.

Take note of the curtain in the background. I am not sure it's a shower curtain. Judging by the size and dimensions, she may be at the Las Vegas Hilton getting ready to open for Barry Manilow.
(PLEASE NOTE: if this is supposed to be He-Man's home planet of Eternia it could be a boy. All men on that planet seem to have this particular hairdo.)

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Coloring Book: Zoboomafoo

This page is from the PBS series "Zoboomafoo".
We can connect the letters to see who came to visit Zoboo at Animal Junction. Obviously, it's an Elephant.

However, if you use the GREEK alphabet (and skip half of the vowels and use each consanant three times) you get a crude picture of Garfield shooting himself in the face: