Something Queer is Going On

When I was a kid one of my favorite things was when we ordered books. The memory is a bit hazy, but I think every three or four months Scholastic would put out a catalogue and you could flip through it with your pals (during class time) and try and find a few books that you would like to read.

Usually the books were fun children's books with glossy covers and illustrations. The stuff kids love.

Then a few weeks later the teacher would open a big box and hand you your books.

I loved that.

I still remember the thrill of getting the new book and trying not to crease the spine as I read the book.

Then about ten minutes later I would give up on that pipe dream and curl the book up and stuff it in my back pocket.

I ordered some awesome books that way. Many of them I still have. Books like the novelization of Back to the Future II (where all the swear words were replaced with words like "jerk") and 'The Indian in the Cupboard' (oh how I laughed at the fact that they called the bathroom "toilet."

Lines like "I was in the toilet when my mom came home" just cracked me up.

Anyway, one of the books I got was called 'Something Queer is Going On' by Elizabeth Levy.

It's at this point that I wish to point out that I will not make any "queer" jokes. I am sure my younger self would be sad about that.

Instead I will misquote 'The Indian in the Cupboard' again:

"I went into the toilet to wash up for dinner."

Priceless.

The book tells the story of Jill a young girl who comes home to find her lazy dog Fletcher missing. So she and her pal Gwen start to look for him.

The book is full of unusual quirks: Gwen taps her braces when she thinks and Jill has problems with anxiety.

The book was funny. I read it again recently and I still think it worked.

The highlight of the book, however, was the illustrations. Done by a dude named Mordicai Gerstein. As a kid I found that name awsomely bizzare. As an adult I find it awesomely bizarre (I spell a little better now.

The illustrations were full of arrows pointing out details and there was a detailed diagram of the dog and how his spots resembled a map of the world.

I got my copy sometime in the 1980s, but I found out that the book was actually originally released in the early 1970s.

Anyway, after reading the book I found out that we were having an assembly. Wow, that sounds so stupid. Every presentation or show or concert at school was called an assembly.

I don't know if that is a regional thing or not, but it sounds funny.

Our assemblys (or is it assemblies? Maybe my spelling hasn't improved) always took place in the gym. A few hundred kids would gather in the gym and sit on the floor as someone did something, sang something or talked to us about something.

On that day we were getting a talk from Elizabeth Levy with Mordicai Gerstein. Looking back, I was pretty lucky. My favorite book was a book that was over a decade old and yet the author and illustrator came to my small town to talk to us about it.

I carried my beat up copy to the assembly with me and followed along as Ms. Levy read the book to us. Then they took questions.

I asked Mordicai if he traced the pictures. (Traced them from what I didn't know.) He politely answered my idiotic question. After the assembly they sold and autographed books.

I took my copy (which had small rips in the cover and a water stain on the pages (I hope it's water) and got them to sign it.

Mordicai even drew a cartoon of Fletcher, the dog from the book.

I am happy to say I still have the book.

Jason Alexander: Pitchman

If you are a Youtube junkie, you know how it happens... your video ends and you click on a "related video" that is barely "related" and soon you find yourself watching dozens of clips on a subject you would have never searched for.

It happened to me recently with Seinfeld's Jason Alexander. After watching a clip about the sitcom I got sucked into the world of Jason Alexander: Pitchman. Like a cross between Billy Mays and Mr. Jansley (my neighbor... he looks a lot like Jason Alexander) Jason would sell and sell and sell. It didn't matter if it was beer or bail bonds, he would sell it. Even if it was as stupid as telling people to put soup in their hamburgers Jason would do it.

And you would like it.

The first one I saw was this classic for McDonalds:

He sings and dances and speaks like a crazy game show host as he sells us on the absurd concept of keeping your lettuce cold during the 10 second trip from the McDonald's counter to your table.



Then I saw this one where a young Jason plays a high school stud. Also in the commercial is a fake cowboy and a vaudevillian. The title says 1981, but judging by Jason's look I bet it's a few years older. Judging by the vaudeville humor, perhaps it's from 1920:



Getting a start in commercials is sufficient for most celebrities, but not Jason. He kept pitching, even when Seinfeld was on the air! He did many commercials for Rold Gold pretzels:

What a funny commercial! And it confirmed my theory that George Costanza had no male genitalia.


I also spotted this gem:

What a performance by Jason as he sports an oven mitt and the funniest pair of pants I have ever seen.



Here is a beer commercial where Jason plays background to Yogi Berra:

This was back when Yogi's "pretend to be stupid" gimmick was cute. Now he seems like a sad, senile old man when he does it.


And finally, Jason goes to jail:

I bet the guards helped him keep his "hot side hot" and his "cold side cold."

Wait, that makes no sense... I gotta go put some soup in my burgers.

Benji

I have been watching a lot of Benji lately. I had always had a soft spot for the floppy mutt, but after watching Oh Heavenly Dog a few weeks ago I have been going a bit Benji crazy.

For those that don't know, Benji was a character in a hugely successful series of films, TV shows, TV specials, books, board games, records, Viewmaster reels, etc, etc, etc. Benji was everywhere for much of the 1970s and 1980s.



Over the course of the films Benji has been played by 3 or 4 dogs depending on who you ask (the 3rd Benji never appeared on TV or in movies.)

Most recently Benji appeared theatrically in 2004's Benji Off The Leash.

There is an absurd amount of Benji info to digest, but I will do my best to throw as much info at you as possible in a completely non-linear fashion that you will probably not be able to retain at all.

Benji had a game on the Commodore 64 computer.


Benji was created by Joe Camp who has directed every single appearance as far as I can tell.

The series started with the film Benji in 1974. It was a well made dramatic film that tells of a kidnapping case that was solved by a stray dog named... you guessed it... Puddles.

Then Puddles lets fame go to his head and soon turns to the bottle. What dog can help him? You guessed it... WWE's Road Dogg Jesse James. He teaches him how to walk the straight and narrow as they work for Jeff Jarrett.

Soon Jarrett double crosses them both and Puddles meeets... yep... Benji. Benji Gregory, the kid from Alf. Is this funny to anyone but me? Probably not.

Anyway, in the real movie Benji (the dog) foils the crime. The film is a lot less "awww" and more "awesome!" (I should put that on a T-shirt.)

The film doesn't talk down to the audience and really doesn't even play as a kid's film. It's really great. The dog was played by Higgins, who was also the dog in Petticoat Junction.

The second film is For the Love of Benji which I haven't seen yet. I may have seen it as a kid, but I don't recall. I just picked it up as part of a discount box set in a Wal-Mart bin. This film (and everything else until Off the Leash starred Higgins' daughter Benjean.

Along with the feature films Benji did a number of TV specials. One showed him taking a "dive" at Marineland.

I thought that he was going to let Stallone score a KO over him in a big fish tank, but that wasn't the type of "dive" he did.

This special was really unusual. It took place at Marineland Florida (which is a much smaller, and older, version of Sea World.)

The plot involved a bunch of puppets who were all either promoting Benji, trying to sabotage Benji or trying to put the moves on Benji.

The puppets get more screen time than Benji does. The dive in question is actually scuba diving. Yep, they put the dog in a special suit and he scuba dives. It's awesome.

Joe Camp also extended Benji's fame beyond the boundaries of children's entertainment. According to Joe's site Benji had a photo spread in Playgirl. I have not seen it... and I don't dare do a Google image search for "Benji in Playgirl" I assume there have been many dudes named Benji in Playgirl over the years.

Here is what Joe's site says about the Playgirl photos:

Benji is the only canine actor to ever appear as a centerfold in Playgirl Magazine. When asked if such an appearance isn't a break from his usual family-friendly philosophy, Joe says, "The way we looked at it was that in addition to being ridiculously funny, Benji's centerfold meant one less naked man on the magazine racks... because, you see, the dog playing Benji at that time was actually a girl." Would he do it again? "No."

Oh Heavenly Dog was also a bit more "adult" than most of the Benji projects. This time Benji got second billing to Chevy Chase as Chase plays a murdered womanizer who returns to earth as Benji to solve his own murder. The jokes are a bit off color and a few mild swear words are thrown about. As far as I have seen, this is the only film that Benji "talks" in (we hear Chevy's thoughts when he is in the body of the dog.)

It's kind of a shame because I do like talkin' doggie flicks. Also, there has never been any animated Benji adventures. There have been several illustrated books and lots of merchandise with artistic renderings of Benji, but no actual TV or film animated adaptations.

In the late 1980s Joe teamed up with the Disney company to produce Benji The Hunted. In this film Benji survives a shipwreck and ends up on an island and gets stuck caring for some orphaned baby mountain lions. This film has almost no dialogue since humans rarely appear in the film and it's not one of those talkin' doggie flicks I love so much.

Benji also had a Christmas special that I watched a few years back. In it he went to Iceland or Sweden or someplace that I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to go to.

In the special he meets Santa, but I think they tell you it's just an actor playing Santa.

I am not 100% sure it wasn't the North Pole. While I am confessing, I might mention that I am not sure Benji The Hunted took place on an island (not a Peninsula) and I did Google "Benji in Playgirl." Not recommended.

All of this scratches the surface of the Benji world, but there is still much more.

Benji had a TV series for a few years called Benji, Zax and the Alien Prince.

This is one of the oddest TV shows I have ever seen that was NOT a Sid and Marty Krofft production

In this a young boy (who is an alien Prince) crash lands on Earth with his robot who looks like a cross between C3PO, Wall-e and a dreidel.

Only Benji can protect them from some angry mob of alien monks.

I know you think I am making it up, but it is really true.


Anyway, I have been watching Benji as much as possible lately. I ordered the board game and a plush toy and I should have enough VHS and DVDs of the pooch to keep me busy for weeks to come.

Then some other flight of fancy will strike and I will be obsessed with the San Diego Chicken, Outback Jack or The Civil War.

Until then...

woof.

VINTAGE 1985 ANDRE THE GIANT vs NiKOLAI VOLKOFF PAJAMAS

VINTAGE 1985 ANDRE THE GIANT vs NiKOLAI VOLKOFF PAJAMAS

How is that for an eye catching title! I found this on eBay today:
LINK


What exciting dreams a child of 1985 would have had imagining the epic battle between Andre the Giant and Nikolai Volkoff.



Oh the fun I had in those days pouring a bowl of cereal and sitting on the floor as I watched WWF Wrestling Challenge and waited for Andre to floss his butt with the top rope and make a "letter c" with his hand.


Then Nikolai would stand there in his black trunks and do the Iron Claw.

Wait a minute! Volkoff wore RED trunks! And I am pretty sure I never saw him use an Iron Claw. If this is the start of the match he should have a mic and he should be singing the Russian National Anthem.


I can't remember Volkoff's finishing move. I can't remember him winning a match that he didn't his his opponent with Fred Blassie's cane or a flag pole.

A quick Wiki search reveals that it was a bear hug.

Perhaps the PJs should have him hugging Andre with all his might.

I would love to own this, but buying used children's pajamas on the internet seems to be a gateway to something awful.

The Easter Bunny and Big Bird

If you know me at all, you probably know my love of costumed characters.
Whenever I hear that one is in my area I make sure to snap a photo of it... usually with me standing next to the character.

And the more obscure the better. Sure, I get my picture with Mickey and Goofy when I go to Disneyland, but it's even more exciting to get a picture with Sunny Supersaurus at Super Fresh:


I am not sure WHY I like it. I rarely interact with the big muppet. I usually just take the picture and say thank you. Usually if they speak I find it mildly disturbing.

Perhaps it's just the collection of photos that makes it exciting.



That could be it. I do have several framed photos of me and costumed people mixed in among my photos of me with celebrities.

And after spending 10 minutes on Wikipedia reading about people who are sexually attracted to costumed characters I am both nauseated and convinced I am not one of them.

Nope, I don't even want to hold hands and walk on the beach with them.



I just want to get a photo with them.

Perhaps it brings back some kind of childhood memories. Maybe it takes me back to a younger age and a simpler time.

Maybe.

But I have some evidence against that:

Big Bird. That's me (the baby) with some horrible bloated and beaten Big Bird. The picture was taken at the Brunswick Square Mall which was really far from my childhood home. My mom doesn't remember the day the photo was taken, but she must have been disappointed.

I was too young to know better, but my older brother brother seems unimpressed by Big Bird. Ugh. He looks Big Bird if he had a peanut allergy and had just taken a Nutrageous bar intraveniously... and if he was really filthy and had a droopy eye.

During my youth I also met this thing:

That's the Easter Bunny. I am the one in the black. My sister seems happy, but my younger brother and I seem a bit confused.

He looks like a q-tip that was used to clean a pencil sharpener.

Celebrities going over Niagara Falls in a Barrel

A few years ago I went to Niagara Falls in Canada. It was a fun trip, but on the final day I was still a bit disappointed.

Sure, the weekend had been lots of fun. I had done some cool things, but I didn't see anyone go over the falls in a barrel.

Not wanting to research, I just assumed dudes were going over the falls in a barrel all the time. I thought so many barrels were popping down that you expected Donkey Kong to be standing at the top of the Falls.

Nope, that was not the case.

Luckily, at a tourist attraction, I found something that would change my life forever. Or at least help me fill up a few paragraphs of silliness.

A small booth was set up with a plastic barrel that you could be photographed in as you pretended to go over the Falls.

Even more exciting was a wall of photos of people who posed in the barrel.

The lady who worked the booth was quick to point out Tom Arnold:

Look at that! It's Tom Arnold! Star of... uh... I think he did a movie with Stallone called Eraser.

He also starred in one of the greatest films I have ever seen: The Stupids.

His co-star in The Stupids was Jessica Lundy, star of... uh... The Stupids.

It is Jessica Lundy that Tom Arnold is molesting in the photo.

If all I had seen on the wall at this booth was Tom Arnold going over Niagara Falls in a barrel as he groped Jessica Lundy I would have left very happy.

But, there was more.

Here is John Ritter:

Awesome. Even more impressive was the photo indicates that the fake barrel photo industry has been around for many years, and (other than a new logo on the barrel) they don't change much.

I asked if there were anymore celebrities. She said "no."

Then she said "except for this guy" and pointed to this photo:


Who is that? Well, that is a guy who impersonates John Travolta.

You know, I think that might be even cooler than the other two.

I own a picture of a picture of a guy who looks like another guy in a barrel pretending to be in a different barrel going down Niagara Falls.

I walked away then as the lady cursed me for not paying $7 to get my own photo taken. I didn't need to I had something much better.

This:



Written by Guy Hutchinson

Guy Hutchinson