BMX Bandits: Part 3 - LET'S GET FOAMY

When we last left the BMX Bandits, bad guys were chasing Nicole Kidman because her and her friends had stolen a case of walkie-talkies (that the bad guys had planned to use for some kind of crime).
The kids were racing through a mall causing hysterical havoc.


This guy got a pie in the face.


Nicole & company then went to the police who told them to fight the bad guys themselves. This might be the dumbest scene I have ever seen in any movie... and I saw Shakespeare in Love.


At some point the bad guys chase the BMX Bandits through a water park.


Then the Bandits get all the kids in town to throw flour at the bad guys.


Then they sprayed some foam fertilizer on them. Somehow this movie turned into an episode of Double Dare in the last ten minutes.


So, the bad guys failed the "physical challenge" and they were sent home with a copy of the Double Dare home game. Then, the BMX Bandits opened a bike park. I hate bike parks. I took my bike to one and then I had to carry a plastic bag and "pick up" after the bike "did it's business."

Maybe that was a Muppet park. I do own a Muppet.



During the credits we get a warning. Not a warning about stealing things (like walkie-talkies) or spraying deadly foam fertilizer at people or even about shutting of the circuit before doing electrical work (see part 2) but about bike riding.

In conclusion. I hate BMX Bandits. I hate them so much. I hope they make a remake so I can hate that too.


Before we go, let me share this screen grab from the water park scene:

This kid went to the water park for a day of fun and it was captured on film forever.

And that boy would grow up to become Andre Agassi.

Cheers mate!

BMX Bandits: Part 2 - THE WRATH OF KIDMAN

When we last left the BMX Bandits they had giant radios and hearts of gold.

For some reason they went into a cemetery for about 4 hours. I swear, this movie is only 82 minutes, but I looked at my watch at the beginning of the cemetery scene and then at the end and 4 hours went by.

Also one of the bad guys had a Mr. Burns mask:

And this was years before The Simpsons debuted. It's hard to believe they have only been around for 30 or 40 years.

I am skipping the rest of the cemetery scene. They just get chased by bad guys and hide inside a grave. The images were so dark you could barely see anyway. Instead I suggest you bang your head against something metal and solid so you can simulate looking at the entire scene.


Time for some hilarity. This guy has a walkie-talkie. He is talking to a guy moving a large hunk of steel over a car.
Suddenly the BMX Bandits say "drop it" over THEIR walkie-talkie. Since they are on the same frequency the guy in the crane drops the steel beam on the car.


The car, apparently full of dynamite explodes.


This guy doesn't react at first, but then he sees the red light on the camera and...


Makes this face.


Then Kidman gets captured but breaks away by bashing someones skull in.


Knowing that the audience is saddened by the death of an unknown number of construction workers they producers give us a lighthearted bike romp through a mall.


Unfortunately the shenanigans cause this worker to be electrocuted.

So to recap:
1. A cemetery
2. Dead construction workers
3. Kidman bashing in a skull
4. Dead electrician

Bring the kids! BMX Bandits is fun for all!

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR A PIE IN THE FACE...

A PIE OF DEATH!

BMX Bandits: Part 1 - ENTER THE PAIN

This weekend I watched BMX Bandits. It may be the strangest film I have seen all week and I work in a dentist's office!

Get it? Film? Dentist's office? Like the film on people's teeth?

God, I hope someone laughed at that. Three years of dentistry school just to make you laugh.



The movie opens with a cool silver logo. This is the high point of the entire film.






Then a bunch of people ride bikes. because it's Australia, they ride them on the wrong side of the bike park.






This guy is in the movie.






This guy is too. Too bad we never learn the secret of his nifty "solar sport radio" hat.
Instead he justs eats a lot of ice cream and falls down.





Some bad guys dress as pigs and rob a bank. Later they hatch another plan that involves stealing a Brinks truck and talking on walkie-talkies. But their plan is twarted by the BMX Bandits (who aren't bandits). The BMX Bandits find the hidden walkie-talkies.






Hey kids! It's Nicole Kidman! And she brought her insurance salesman with her!






This is one of the bad guys. He has a picture of some Crispin Glover looking dude on the front of his shirt.






He has some Al Capone looking guy on the back of his shirt. Plus he looks like Billy Idol.






The bad guys ride in a boat that has Macho Man Randy Savage painted on the hood.






What was up with men's shorts in the 1980s? Really, what was the deal with that?






Here Nicole talks on a walkie-talkie with the longest antenna in the world.



TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO WATCH A CAR EXPLODE.

People who have met Hulk Hogan's fanny pack...

I met a guy the other day who met Hulk Hogan.

Big deal.

I met Hulk Hogan. What I want to meet is Hulk Hogan's fanny pack.

Aaaah, if that fanny pack could talk imagine what stories it would tell.

Hulk Hogan loves the fanny pack. If you see a picture of Hulk Hogan look down below his waist... but don't let anyone see you do this.

Anyway, look down there and there it is.

His fanny pack.

The fanny pack was a popular accessory for men in the 1990s. Finally men could be like a woman and have a purse.

I used to pretend I was a kangaroo and it was my pouch.

I loved my pouch. I kept it in the front because I figured pickpockets would have less access to my stuff.

I kept some good stuff in there, too.

I think I had a roll of caps, a pair of safety scissors and my retainer.

Since I was pretending to be a kangaroo I usually spoke with an Australian accent and called it my "bum bag".

Occasionally people heard me talk about my "bum bag" and they thought I meant my "hobo bindle".

That bag was really a bandanna tied to a stick.

Eventually I stopped wearing a fanny pack. So did everyone else...

Except Hulk Hogan.



Hogan wears a fancy leather fanny pack, but it is still a fanny pack. I don't know why he wears it. Sure, if he was wearing his trunks and he had no pockets I could understand why. But I saw Hogan wear it with a tuxedo.

Here Hogan, his daughter and semi-celebrity Dennis Rodman hang out with his fanny pack:

Rodman's hat actually matches Hogan's fanny pack.

If you put Rodman's hat ON top of Hogan's fanny pack I bet it would be able to slam dunk The Hati Kid.



This lucky fan got a picture with Jimmy Hart, Hogan AND Hogan's fanny pack:


Oh how I wonder what could be inside that fanny pack! It looks so full! Maybe he keeps a fake beard in there in case the NWO ever starts back up.


EDITORS NOTE:
In case you are not a wrestling fan, I want to tell you a little about the NWO. The NWO was a popular wrestling storyline that involved Hogan and a couple other wrestlers pretending to chop down trees with their bare hands. During that time Hogan pretended to have a beard:

If you don't remember this, be very thankful.



This guy apparently met Hogan at an "aerobic babysitting" convention.

Hogan shakes his hand assuming that is what the fan was leaning over to do... I bet he was reaching out to touch his fanny pack.
I know that is what I would do... I wonder if it's real leather, or just a leather-like material.... like Hogan's skin!



Here Hogan poses with a little Hulkamaniac:

Look how close that child is to the fanny pack! That kid will never be that close to greatness even if he becomes the next Bill Gates.



Here Hogan and his fanny pack shill for Bar 66:

I bet the fanny pack was reluctant to be used for commercial purposes, but Hogan convinced him otherwise. Maybe Hogan took the fanny pack to Bar 66 and got it drunk before asking it to sign the papers.
Still, I would bet the fanny pack could drink Hogan under the table.




This might be the greatest photo ever taken:

I am not sure who this guy is or why he looks mad at Hogan. Hulkster appears to be suppressing a burp. Brooke-tini is in the background, but dad's propensity to flex his bicep has made her all but invisible. The fanny pack is right in the middle, basking in it all.
It's a statement about life. It's art. It's the greatest photo ever.



Lastly, we have this guy:

Look at his face! I know what he is thinking....

"Is that your fanny pack, or are you just happy to see me?"

An article for John B.

PATCO

Ooooh. PATCO. The very word makes my spell check cringe.

Partook?

Potato?

Patty?

Sweet spell check, I love you so, but you have a hell of a lot to learn about PATCO.

Let's learn together. First I Googled "PATCO".

After learning about the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization, Patrick and Co. (an office supplier in San Fransisco) and a mind boggling number of people who misspell "PETCO" I found www.ridepatco.org.

So PATCO is an acronym for something. And we can ride it.

Whoo hoo!

HERE IT IS:

The Port Authority Transit Corporation!

Taking a look at the top of the page we see a logo that says PATCO FREEDOM. At first glance it looks like PATCOFFEEDOM. Man I could use some caffine... and a pack of light bulbs some paper plates and The Kukla & Ollie Board Game.

This has nothing to do with PATCO. I was just thinking of other things I need to buy this weekend.

The PATCO site has a very interesting page on the history of PATCO. Nowhere do they mention the slogan "You can't spell 'pee on a taco' without PATCO", so I bet that isn't their slogan. Still the PATCO speedline has been a success for 30 years without that slogan.

Here is some information from the website:

30 Years of Success
The PATCO Speedline operation on February 15, 1969, with the first trip from Lindenwold, New Jersey, to Center City Philadelphia. Back then, the 14.2 mile line carried 21,200 people per day. Today, more than 38,000 people rely on the Hi-Speedline to get them to work, school, sporting events, shopping and anywhere else they need to go-quickly, easily and without the hassles of driving.

30 YEARS OF SUCCESS! Wow. Of course my math says that it has been about 38 years since February 15, 1969. So I guess the first 8 years were pretty pathetic.

Still:

38,000 people rely on the Hi-Speedline to get them to work, school, sporting events, shopping and anywhere else they need to go-quickly!

I often need to get to a bathroom quickly. I am going to call them. Or look for a taco.

38,000! Think about that. If you gave me a dollar for every person that rides on PATCO I would have something like $380,000. No wait, a dollar was probably worth less in 1969 so lets just say $350,000. Of course if we don't count the 8 years that they were unsuccessful that might lower the number substantially.

Why don't you just buy me The Kukla & Ollie Board Game and we can call it even.

The other thing on the PATCO site that interested me is the "JOY RIDES". This sounds like fun to me because I like to steal peoples cars and drive them real fast until they run out of gas.




So many fun places you can "JOY RIDE" to. You can go to the Liberty Bell, visit some of the beautiful universities or... go to... the hospital.


Well I hope my neighbor left his keys in the ignition, I am goin' for a joy ride!

I hope I get to see someone with a really bad rash or maybe even irritable bowels.

THANKS PATCO!


WAIT, I hate to end an article by mentioning irritable bowels. Instead I shall end with my review of the classic children's book Billy Goat's Gruff:


The book starts off well with talking goats. I love when things that can't talk start talking.




Unfortunately a mean troll shows up. No, it's not Bob Costas.





The troll drowns at the end and HBO cancels his show. Now the three goats are free to eat the delicious grass on the other side of the river, and to cross the bridge any time.
Until the President diverts the special "Bridge Fixing Funds" to pay for his war... Hey look! This book was written by Bill Maher!

No wonder it wasn't funny.

James Monroe: The Last Cocked Hat

Born in Virginia, in 1758, Monroe attended the College of William and Mary. He roomed with William and briefly dated Mary.

During his political career he joined the anti-Federalists in the Virginia Convention which ratified the Constitution, as elected United States Senator, served as Minister to France in 1794-1796 and helped negotiate the Louisiana Purchase.

His ambition and energy, together with the backing of President James Madison, he won the Presidency in 1816 and easily won re-election in 1820.

Early in his administration, Monroe went on a "Goodwill" tour. He played six sold out shows at Madison Square Garden before the tour moved to Boston. In Boston, his visit kicked off an "Era of Good Feelings." To demonstrate Monroe slid his hand into his trousers and was promptly thrown in the brig, ending the tour.

Meanwhile, a painful economic depression was seriously harshing the mellow of the people of the Missouri Territory. In 1819 they applied to join the Union as a slave state. They were rejected, but the Union promised to keep Missouri's resume on file. They lied.

A bitter dispute rose before congress and soon "The Missouri Compromise" was that Missouri's application would be accepted, but they would be assigned to "french fries" and wouldn't be allowed to work the register.

The Missouri Compromise bill also paired slave state Missouri with Maine, a free state, and barred slavery north and west of Missouri.

After his presidency ended he lived in Virgina, but left when he noticed that Virgina was "for lovers." He moved to New York. He once wrote that he "liked New York, except for the squeegee guys" and the "lack of officially licensed WWE apparel at F.A.O. Schwartz.

He died in New York and was buried there. In 1858 he was dug up and re-interred to the President's Circle at Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia.

So, the ball's in your court New York. What is your next move in this never-ending James Madison chess game?


FUN FACTS ABOUT JAMES MONROE:

-James Monroe's nickname "The Last Cocked Hat" referred to his tough military background. A cocked hat was a military hat

-The first person to be married in the White House was Monroe's daughter Maria.

-He once said "If America wants concessions, she must fight for them. We must purchase our power with our blood."



FUN FACTS I JUST MADE UP ABOUT JAMES MONROE:

-When he said "If America wants concessions, she must fight for them. We must purchase our power with our blood." He was referring to movie theater concessions. He would often pay for his popcorn by opening a vein. For penny candy, however, he usually just picked off a scab.

-Was deeply in debt when he died. And he still owes a couple movies to Netflix.

-James Madison is buried in Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia. Famed stripper Madison James is buried in Richmond Cemetery in Hollywood, California. Right between Snub Pollard and Dennis Hopper.