John Adams: First President in the White House

John Adams, Jr. served as America's first Vice President (1789–1797) and as its second President (1797–1801). Adams was also the 1st President to reside in the newly-built White House in Washington, D.C..

It should be noted that although he was the first to reside in the White House he was NOT the first to "take a tinkle" in the White House. This was due to the White Out House being separate from the main house. Indoor plumbing was not installed in the White House until James Buchanan's term over 50 years later.

Despite the lack of indoor plumbing any historian's credit 68 year old William Henry Harrison with being the first President to exudate in the White House. But, that was an accident and all three times it was promptly mopped up.

Anyway, Adams was a sponsor of the American Revolution in Massachusetts. As part of his sponsorship deal, the soldiers wore his logo on their jackets and several of them appeared in his commercials.

He was a leader of the independence movement in 1776. Jefferson called him the "Colossus of Independence" which, oddly enough was pro wrestler Steve Austin's nickname (in between "The Ringmaster" and "Stone Cold."

As a statesman and author, he helped define a set of core republican ideals that became central to America's political value system. But enough about Stone Cold, let's get back to talking about John Adams.

As President, Adams was frustrated by battles inside the Federalist party. But he did his best to unite them. Once they were fighting about how the party name should be pronounced. Adams and others felt it should be Federal-ist. The rest of the party thought it should be Federa-list. So Adams painted "Federal" on one cheek and "list on the other. Then he mooned everyone. It was a compramise they could live with and laugh at.


Fun Facts about John Adams:

During his term the Library of Congress was established.

Mrs. Adams would hang her laundry in the East Room to dry.

John Adams was a second cousin to Samuel Adams, and a third cousin to his wife, Abigail Smith Adams.



Fun Facts I just made up about John Adams:

Got a full face tattoo (like Mike Tyson) after leaving office.

Wore fancy pants every day of the week. People would always holler "hey, fancy pants" when they saw him.

Once laughed so hard milk came out of his nose. Oddly enough this was 14 years before milk was invented.

George Washington: The Dude on the Dollar President

George Washington (February 22, 1732 – December 14, 1799 )was a critical figure in the founding of the United States, and is commonly referred to as father of the nation.

He led America's Continental Army to victory over Britain in the Revolutionary War. In 1789 he was elected the first President of the United States of America. He was the overwhelming popular choice finishing 200,000 votes ahead of his opponents "some guy from Hoboken" and a powdered wig (who garnered 7 votes... and 1 marriage request.)

Washington served two four-year terms from 1789 to 1797. His devotion to republicanism and civic virtue made him an exemplary figure among early American politicians. Still, CNN gave him zero coverage during his term. Sure, they wouldn't exist for almost 200 years but it still reeks of a left-wing bias.

In his youth, Washington worked as a surveyor of rural lands gaining him valuable knowledge of the terrain around of Virginia. Of course, being that this was BEFORE the internet many people think that he spent very little time ACTUALLY surveying this land. Many believe that he spent much of his time eating tacos and playing with a rock he called Mister Cuddlebounds. When asked to survey something, he would just sleep in the barn for a day or two before returning to file a report that read "looks good" or something like that. If someone tried to check on him, they would probably die before they ever got there on foot (remember, this was before the invention of the automobile or the horse.)

Of course when I say "many people" I just mean me and Andre the Giant. Yup, Andre believed this too. I swear he did. You could ask him, but he's dead.

In the early 1750's Washington was sent as an ambassador to ambasatate some French traders and Indians really far from his house. It was here that he met Wilma who later became his wife and knitted the country's first flag. George and Wilma Washington (or Washingstone as it was pronounced back then) lived in a house made of rocks. Every day George would ride his foot powered sedan to the gravel pit where he would break rocks for Mr. Slate. At the end of the day some guy would pull on the tail of a bird causing the bird to yelp and alerting George that it was time to go home. He would then eat a brontosaurus burger and read the evening's paper (which was actually not printed on paper but rather carved into stone.) Paper had yet to be invented... although the paper airplane industry was thriving.

In 1776, George led the army that forced the British out of Boston, proclaiming "this town is only big enough for one annoying accent!"

But later that same year, he was defeated and lost New York City. That night the British troops celebrated by hosting soccer games at Madison Square Garden (which had just opened.) Oddly enough the building was named as such after the wife of it's Virgina born owner Frank Square Garden. It is also important to note that although the name is just gibberish today, it made less sense then because the concept of gardening has not been established and the idea of things forming a specific geometric shape had not been discussed often (since those that tried would usually start to bleed from the ears.)

MEANWHILE, when we last left George Washington he was tired and defeated. WHAT COULD HE DO?
Washington decide to cross the Delaware River in New Jersey and defeated the surprised enemy units.

Their last words were "what the bloomin' onion?"

In 1783 following the end of the war in retired to his plantation on Mount Vernon. The large plantation (today a private residence owned by rapper Biz Markee) gave him ample room to grow corn and play the "greatest game of double dutch you could imagine."

He mounted a bit of a comeback a few years late 1780s when he presided over the Constitutional Convention that drafted the United States Constitution and he released a greatest hits album.

In 1789, Washington became President of the United States and established many of the customs of the government we have today. Scholars usually rank him among the three greatest U.S. Presidents (alongside William H. Taft and Sy Sperling.) During Washington's funeral oration, Henry Lee said that of all Americans, he was "first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." During my research I had trouble finding out who Henry Lee was. I think he may have been that guy that screwed up the blood samples during the O.J. trial.



Fun Facts about George Washington:

-There were 13 stars on the United States flag when Washington became President in 1789.

-Only President that did not live in the White House. He was involved in the planning of the Capitol.

-Washington did his own bookkeeping and recorded every penny of expense or profit. His ledgers still exist today.

-George Washington's salary was $25,000?




Fun Facts I just made up about George Washington:

-He spent about 80% of his salary on powdered wigs and duck tape.

-He was allergic to Teddy Roosevelt.

-His face is one the quarter and the dollar. His right leg is on the back of a $20 bill and his lip marks are on the $75 bill.

-Whenever he would bathe with the troops he would point to his groin and say "look boys! I am washing a ton!"

Some Phat Movies

When I was a lad I worked in a video store.

It was a really awesome. I just sat around and watched G and PG rated films all day.

Occasionally people would ask for my recommendations. If you are familiar with this site, you would know what a dangerous idea that is.

Still, it happened. And, after a few weeks of telling people to watch movies starring talking chimps I realized I should keep my opinions to myself.

So, when asked I simply recommended whatever mainstream nonsense was new and not renting well.

This too proved dangerous.

One day a couple came in to the store. The lady walked up to me and asked:

"What's good?"

I told her "we have Primal Fear, Clean Slate, Phat Beach..."

Suddenly the man turned to me with anger.

"Whoa, meng! Did yoo jus' call my wife a fat beeetch?"

I started stuttering "uh, no. That- uh-"

"Because," he continued "she's really not that fat."

Then we hi-fived and went out for a cold sarsaparilla.

Actually, that never happened. To be honest with you I worked as a dental hygienist when I was younger.


Still, there is a movie called "Phat Beach."



It features Coolio and a guy named Jermaine "Huggy" Hopkins.

I bet he's Anthony "Huggy" Hopkins' kid.



I wonder if you met him and asked for a hug if he would be legally obligated to do so.

I checked his IMDB page, and he seems to be pretty active in the movie business. He also occasionally goes by Jermaine "Big Hugg" Hopkins.

Why is it that people either have NO nickname or they have several.

Like Sean Combs. He's Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Pooty Pau Duex and Shemp.

Or "Weird" Al Yankovic. Actually, he just has one nickname. I'm sorry I brought this whole thing up.


Phat Girlz is a new movie. The poster claims "She's proving that BIG is beautiful."

She proves this by sitting on a bunch of hot chicks.

Here is a thread about Phat Girlz from IMDB.

On a scale of 1 to 10

by rick_spinelli (Thu Mar 8 2007 18:43:26)

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 HOW PHATT WAZ THIS MOVIE??

I SAY A 10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by rick_spinelli (Sun Mar 11 2007 16:39:07)


YALL IGNORANT

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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by nodnarb232001 (Mon Mar 12 2007 02:13:26)


YALL MADE A POINTLESS TOPIC!
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by bilsnod (Mon Mar 12 2007 06:41:34)


Definitely 10!
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by rick_spinelli (Mon Mar 12 2007 08:08:13)

STILL IGNORANT


10 IS TEH PHATTEST!!!!!!!!
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by rick_spinelli (Wed Mar 14 2007 10:17:13)


by the way, if anyone wants 2 see britney spears shaving her head goto www.______.com <-----CRAZY HOW SHE DOES IT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: On a scale of 1 to 10

by rick_spinelli (Thu Apr 5 2007 11:25:50)

Girl, I wanna waller in the back of my Impala
Woooo

I can't believe no one made a joke about the scale being broken.

Stupid posters.


The next film is My Big Phat Hip Hop Family


The DVD claims they "put the dis in dysfunctional."

I would have said they "put the funk in dysfunctional."

Then I would have admitted to being a bad speller.

Finally, there is a movie from 1916 called The Phable of the Phat Woman.

Don't believe me? See for yourself: click here.

Sorry, wrong link. Click here.

Mystery Date

A few years ago I was watching a Simpson's re-run.

It was the one where the family goes to Ned Flanders' beach house and Lisa meets some "cool kids" and for a few weeks SHE is cool and Bart is the unpopular Simpson kid.

In one of the scenes Homer, Marge, Bart and Milhaus all play (the only board game the could find in the house) Mystery Date.

The scene featured this memorable exchange:


Marge:
Come on Homer. Open the door for your mystery date.


Homer:
Ooh, captain of the football team. He's a dream boat. Don't wait up Marge...



As a board game fan I checked eBay and found that Mystery Date was indeed a real (and very popular) game from the 1960s.


Here is a write up from boardgamegeek.com


Quote:

A large white door located in the centre of the board has five 'dates' waiting inside. Depending on how the doorknob is rotated, a different guy will 'appear' when the door is opened.
Players try to collect a set of four cards. Each set of four cards corresponds to one of the 'dates' hidden behind the door (apart from the infamous 'dud').
Gameplay is determined by the instructions on the square a particular player lands on. Cards may be taken from the draw or discard pile, or from other players. When a player holds a correct set of four cards and lands on an 'open door' square the door is opened, revealing the date.
If the cards do not correspond to the date, the player's turn ends but their set of cards are retained. If the 'dud' date is revealed, all cards held by the player are lost and replaced with a fresh set from the draw pile.
If the correct date appears when the door is opened the game is over and the player opening the door wins the game.
This game was first released in a white box in 1965 and had a 'groovy' upgrade in the early seventies with new artwork.

Well, this weekend I got to try the brand new High School Musical edition of the classic board game (on sale at Target for $15.)

As far as I can tell from photos, the layout of the board and the gameplay is the same.


You choose a playing piece (all female) and you go around the board trying to collect 3 matching outfit cards. Once you get (for example) your "skating outfit" you must land on the "open the door" space and hope that you open it to reveal your skating date.


The door is cleverly designed to open to a different date at random due to the shapes of the "date cards" and how they correspond to the turn of the door knob.


The "dud" is a female school administrator with the words "detention" on the card.

If you open the door to find her, you lose your outfit (no... you don't have to play naked) and lose a turn.

There is also an odd twist to this versions. Two of the characters are siblings. It's not addressed in the rules, but if you play as Sharpay Evans you can open the door and win a date with her brother Ryan.

Yeah.

The Fake Chinese Theater

Take a look at this beautiful sight:

It's Sid Grauman's Chinese Theater, located on Hollywood Boulevard between Orange and North Highland. It's my favorite place in the world...

...or is it?

Actually, this is NOT the Chinese Theater, it's a facade. Located in Walt Disney World's Disney MGM Studios, this full sized replica is pretty impressive.

It is used as the entrance for "The Great Movie Ride." In addition to housing a neat, slow moving ride about the history of Hollywood movies this structure features an array of celebrity hand and footprints in the cement... not the same ones as the REAL Chinese Theater, but some big stars nonetheless.

Sure, the real Chinese Theater has prints of such stars as Marilyn Monroe and John Wayne. But the FAKE Chinese has Bobcat Goldthwait and Hulk Hogan.

The stars immortalized in the cement aren't the only differences between the two, there is also a few changes. The real theater has beautiful gold doors... the fake one has green doors. The fake forecourt has some palm trees, the real theater no longer has any.

I could go on all day trying to spot all the differences between the two, but lets face it: you don't really care and I have a Hot Pocket in the microwave.

Recently I took a bunch of photos of the replica of Grauman's Chinese Theater at Disney MGM Studios and now I share them with you.

This really cool dragon image towers above the door:




This is a close up of the smaller statue of a little golden dude who stands just above the door... blissfully unaware of the giant dragon hovering above him:




When I go to the Real Chinese Theater I like to imagine that the dragon has the voice of Sean Connery and he keeps telling me how many minutes to "show-time":




Here I just pretend he sounds like Sean Waltman and he keeps telling me "...there is no wait at 'Drew Carey's Sounds Dangerous':




I don't remember the grammar rules involving this thing: ":". In fact, I don't remember what it was called:




Here are those doors I mentioned. The doors are all gold in Hollywood. The green is pretty cool, however:




This is some of the detail on the door:




On the left and right of the entrance are "Foo Lions" or "Guardian Dogs." The one on the right is male and his paw is resting on a globe so he can protect the earth. The other lion is female and she has her foot on a cub. They say its so she can protect it:




Taking a closer look at the expression on her face, I am not totally sure she isn't trying to squash that poor baby cub.




The forecourt is a semi-circle surrounding all the hand prints.:




Amazing detail. In Hollywood this beautiful stone carving was covered for decades by a neon marquee. Today it has been restored and looks as nice as it's Florida doppelgänger :




I am so proud of myself for writing the word "doppelgänger" that I am not going to add anything to this picture... plus I don't remember what it is:




Now I remember, these are some of the little metal figures that adorn the roof of the building. I also just remembered that doppelgänger is supposed to refer to a living thing. So, yeah, I used it wrong:




Here is a close up look at one of the decorations adorning the forecourt walls. God, how I wish I could work doppelgänger into this sentence:




In Hollywood this is the Marilyn Monroe wishing well. Here it just looks like a giant infected molar:




The symbolism of dragons, fire and bells are a popular theme in old Chinese design. Did you notice that this thing: ":" appear over the letter 'a' in doppelgänger? Like it's mocking me for not remembering it's name:




This poster frame (advertising the ride) look somewhat similar to the posters at the REAL Chinese theater, but there the posters are bigger.




The inside of the FAKE Chinese Theater is very ornate, but very different from the REAL one. This is mural you see when you enter (in the real theater a similar mural hangs over the concession stand):




This is one of the ornamental chandeliers that hang in the lobby:




Before you get on the ride, you go into a room with film trailers projected on a large screen. Adorning the walls are more art, like this dragon:




The FAKE theater looks fantastic at night:




Lastly, here is a plaque that hangs outside the FAKE Chinese Theater. It incorrectly states that the Chinese was built in 1928. In fact, the theater was built (and opened) in 1927:

It's really a well done replica of an amazing place. I hope you enjoyed the photos...

...and one last time... doppelgänger!

Bathroom signage in Disney's Animal Kingdom

Animal Kingdom is the newest Disney theme park within the massive Florida resort.

It's not really new anymore, but it is still newest. Blah blah blah. Intro intro.

Anyway...

Here is the sign outside the men's room near the Dinosaur ride:

Take a good look at that. The dude has a GIANT bee on top of his head. Like an alien insect here to suck out his brains and fill the brain hole with pollen.

Sweet pollen.

The ladies don't have it much better:


A big Starship Trooper's reject is floating over her head.

HEY WAIT A MINUTE! THEY DO HAVE IT BETTER!
Look at the dude again:


That bee is NOT floating. He has landed and I do NOT see his stinger. BECAUSE IT HAS PIERCED THE MAN'S SKULL.

Think of the fear this instill in guys. Sure, you may have to pee, but do you want a bee the size of that bearded midget that was on Seinfeld permanently parting your hair?

Look at the ladies room sign again:


I think she is CONTROLLING that bug. I think that bug might even be Mothra. Perhaps the female shown is one of those two ladies that follow Mothra around and sing songs about her.

I just decided to "hold it in" until I got to Camp Mickey Minnie.