EVEN More from the bunchojunk.com Closet

Sadly not everything in life gets finished. We all have tons of evidence of this in our homes. A half built patio. A box of lasagne mix you never made. A Charles Schultz cartoon that you abandoned at the third panel (don't worry she probably just pulled away the football and someone said 'good greif.')

So what do we do? We stick it in the closet promising to one day "finish" it.

Well, bunchojunk.com has a closet and our closet is full. Full of opening paragraphs, odd facts and photos.

I'll never get around to any of it. Today, feast your eyes on some photos from the closet:

UNFINISHED ARTICLE #1 - FIRST LADIES THAT LOOKED LIKE HOWARD STERN:

Dolly Madison:

Grace Coolidge:

I Pity The Fool: Episode 1-Mo-T-vation

Man oh man did I love this show. You know how sometimes you psych yourself up for something to the degree that you couldn't dislike it under any circumstances?

That's how I felt about this show.

I first heard about this show waaaay back in the summer of 2005. I couldn't wait for it to come together. Since then I have worked as hard as I could to find out more about it.

I even "auditioned" for the show three times.

The first time I told them about a workplace problem at one of my actual jobs. They had me make an audition tape and talk to all of us daily for about 2 weeks before the calls just stopped.

Nothing. Not a thank you. Not even a no thank you.

The second audition was with an theater troupe I work with. That time I told them how we had lost our director and needed Mr. T to come and direct our show.

They passed, but only after finding out about my habit of obsessive collecting. They were amazed at the amount of movies, board games and Mr. T memorabilia that I had.

They came to my home, video taped me and got testimonials from my family about my "problem."

They were excited, I was excited.

They even told me that Mr. T himself was excited about the idea and that he had "less Mr. T items than I had."

That seemed to be a ludicrous statement. Isn't EVERYTHING Mr. T owns a "Mr. T item?"

Well, after a lot of calls they finally decided that I wasn't right for the show. I was a bit too ordinary.

Then, a few months ago I found out that they would be shooting an episode about 90 minutes from my house and I went there to watch.

It was great fun and I even got to meet Mr. T.

Then TV Land ran a 48 hour A-Team marathon (dubbed the Mr. TV Land weekend) and I missed a whole lot of sleep.

I could not have been more psyched for this show.



Episode one started with an AWESOME opening credit sequence where Mr. T actually broke "jibba jabba" over his knee:



In this episode Mr. T was summoned to a car dealership that had problems with motivation. They wrote Mr. T a letter and he jogged over to the car dealership to help.

I did the same thing when I was kid! I sent a letter to Mr. T, The Incredible Hulk and Popeye. Sadly, none of them responded and I was stuck with loading the dishwasher every night.

Mom got off easy that time.

Mr. T tells us the problems that the employees of this Nissan dealership have.

Problem #1 is between the owner and his son-in-law.

See the owner has had dinner with every President since Jimmy Carter, and he looks like Ernest Borgnine:


His son-in-law has never even had cake with a congressman. Plus he looked just like Scott Peterson:



Mr. T starts a duologue between the two of them and Scott Peterson cries like a girl.

Soon Mr. T is off to sell a car. He tries his hand at cold calling first, he isn't good at it.

Next thing you know, the dealership has sold a bunch of cars and everyone is happy.

That was it. The show is only 30 minutes and it flies by at an amazing rate.

I loved it.

It was quirky and funny.

I can't wait until episode 2.

My Big Ole Happy Mashed Potato Bar Party

There is a hip trendy new party that is sweeping the nation. Its the "Mashed Potato Bar Party."

In this party people enjoy mashed potatoes in martini glasses and we nominate a presidential candidate who will not win and instead just siphon votes from the established candidate whose beliefs are closest to ours.

The whole idea of eating mashed potatoes out of a martini glass seems like something that Weird Al would have done on his old Saturday morning show, but its better than it sounds.

I recently threw a Mashed Potato Bar Party, and no, you weren't invited.

Sorry, I just didn't have enough potatoes.

Nor did I have martini glasses.

I did have margarita glasses. See, when it comes to alcohol I am not the sophisticated erudite martini type. I am more of the Hawaiian shirt and shorts margarita type.

Ah, who am I kidding. I am the 40 of Colt 45 in a dark room writing a list of those who "wronged" me type.

Anyway, here is what you need to throw your own party:

#1 A bunch of mashed potatoes. I used a box of the "mix flakes with water variety." You might want to go with real mashed potatoes made from scratch. You also might want to use martini glasses. You also might be a stuck up jerk.

Don't be surprised if you make "the list" next time I break out the Colt 45.

#2 Spoons

#3 Sour cream (I left it in the sun for a few hours to make it extra sour.)

#4 Ranch dressing. I mean salad dressing, not cowboy hats. Actually, I would suggest cowboy hats. Maybe next time.

#5 Salsa. I mean the condiment, not the dance. Shoot, the dance would be good too. I better throw a whole new party.

#6 Cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. I had grated cheese, shredded cheese, cheese wiz and "I Can't Believe it's Not Cheese."

#7 Broccoli. Because you always need something that sucks so you remember what things are cool.

#8 Chives. Because it's fun to say chives.

#9 People.

For starters, I invited myself. I was the genial host for my party.

Like any good host, I remembered which piece of broccoli I dropped on the floor and which products were waaaaay past the expiration date and I made sure not to tell anyone else.

You also need guests (were dropping the whole # thing.) I took a few photos of them, but I never got their permission to put them on the site so I have obscured their identities.

Here is the first dude. Let's call him 'Craig.'

'Craig' heard the words "mashed potatoes" and 'bar,' but didn't know I was combining the two. He punched me for taking this photo.

'Craig' liked the cheese wiz and the salsa. He also took a bunch of my CDs and broke some shelves in my bathroom medicine cabinet. I am glad he came by.





The next guest was much more excited to attend. We can call him 'Craig' as well.

'Craig' was also having a good time, but he got into a heated argument with me about whether "chives" and "green onions" were the same thing.

I don't remember what my opinion was except that I am sure it was the right one. I do regret the whole "eye full of salsa" incident.

Sorry 'Craig.'




I have a photo of one more guest:

We can't call him 'Craig' because that was his real name. Lets call him 'Beatrice.'

'Beatrice' didn't take my side in the whole chives/green onions debate. He also suggested that we "play karaoke" but somehow insisted on having absolute silence and a hammer in order to "play karaoke."

I don't think he knew what karaoke meant.


In the end, the Mashed Potato Bar Party was the most fun I have ever had involving potatoes.

Except for that time I took a Mrs. Potato Head and had her make out with my Luke Skywalker figure.

Lil James Madison: The Smallest President

Born in 1751, James Madison was to become our smallest President.

Standing five foot four and weighing a slight one hundred pounds, Madison was the cutest little President you ever did see.

Take a look:



Don'tcha just wanna pick him up and give him a hug? Then muss up his poofy hair so it looks like a big old paper cone covered in cotton candy.

Or maybe one of those funnel cakes. Mmmm. Those are great. With powdered sugar on top. Whoo hoo.

Or maybe like a bucket of chicken...

Uh, I better finish this off so I can go to lunch.

Madison was the eldest of twelve children. I did a little research, if you combined the weight of ALL twelve of the Madison kids it would be just UNDER the weight of the two oldest Baldwins.

Madison was raised in the Church of England which was the state religion of Virginia at that time. I don't know anything about the church of England, but I bet they added the letter 'U' to at least one word in every sentence in their bible. I bet they also secretly admit that even the British don't 'get' British humor.

Madison attended the College of New Jersey (later to become Princeton University), finishing its four-year course in two years. He was so exhausted by this amount of work that he was sick for quite some time.

The moral of this story is "NEVER OVERACHIEVE." Or maybe it's "cute little presidents just need to lie down and nap more."

When he got better, he served in the state legislature and followed in the footsteps of Thomas Jefferson. He became a prominent figure in Virginia state politics, helping to draft the state's declaration of religious freedom.
Then some other stuff happened, he married Dolly Madison and he became a tiny little president.

I got get lunch.



Interesting facts about Madison:

Madison was a second cousin of the 12th U.S. President, Zachary Taylor.

Madison was the first US President who wasn't the vice president to the previous president.

Madison County, Ohio is named after James Madison.

His last words were, "I always talk better lying down."




Interesting facts I just made up about Madison:

When scrambled his last name sorta spells "Son Is Mad." He had children and occasionally they got mad.

His most prized possession was his collection of Peter Tork autographs.

He liked the taste of buttermilk so much that he considered making it the "National Taste." He also considered making it the "National Milk," the "National Butter" and the "National Broadcasting System."

His last words, "I always talk better lying down," were often quoted by future President Bill Clinton. Clinton said this usually to get female reporters into bed. The rest of the time he said it to get skinny dudes with long hair into bed. We all get lonely sometimes.

Montana

Montana.

When I hear it, I think of mountains, open space and that guy who was quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers.

Unless it's spoken by a dude with a thick Spanish accent. Then I usually think about actor Joe Mantenga.

Sometimes, if Montana is said by a sexy senorita with a thick Spanish accent, I just think about makin' whoopie.

But, I digress.

Montana is a state. It's one of either 50 or 52 states that exist in the U.S.

I can never remember which is the amount of states and which is the number of cards in a deck.

Montana is derived from the Spanish word for mountain (Mantenga is derived from the word "mediocre.")

The capitol city of Montana is Helena and the largest city is Billings. Yup. That big old city of Billings Montana.

Whoo hoo! Things are rockin' out in Billings. Billings sets the tone for the nation. If you don't play in Billings you don't play.

Although I may be confused. Maybe Helena is the biggest city and Billings is just a card deck.

Let us take a look at the Montana state song:

Montana
Written by Charles C. Cohan
Composed by Joseph E. Howard

I bet Charles C. Cohan begs people to call him "Triple C."

I bet Joseph E. Howard just begs people to call him.

Tell me of that Treasure State
Story always new,
Tell of its beauties grand
And its hearts so true.

Mountains of sunset fire
The land I love the best
Let me grasp the hand of one
From out the golden West.

Chorus:

Montana, Montana,
Glory of the West
Of all the states from coast to coast,
You're easily the best.
Montana, Montana,
Where skies are always blue
M-O-N-T-A-N-A,
Montana, I love you.

Each country has its flow'r;
Each one plays a part,
Each bloom brings a longing hope
To some lonely heart.

Bitter Root to me is dear
Growing in my land
Sing then that glorious air
The one I understand.

Sheesh, even the song is boring. I wanna strangle someone with a Bitter Root.

Montana is a big freakin' state. It is so big in fact that you could place Rhodie Island, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, New York City, Disney's California Adventure, wrestling legend Rikishi Fatu and 30 decks of Bicycle playing cards on top of Montana and still have room for all the bowls of Froot Loops that you would have to eat to get the vitamins in one bowl of total.

Still, as big as it is Montana has NO PRO SPORTS TEAMS.

None.

Not a single one.

They do have a handful of minor league baseball teams:

Missoula Osprey - I assume this is one of them, but it also might be a disorder you get from drinking syrup.

Great Falls White Sox - Again, this is possibly one of their teams. Its also possible that it is just a pair of socks.

Helena Brewers - I think I dated Helena Brewers in High School. I would have remembered if she was also a sports team.

Billings Mustangs - Yeah. Imagine a fun packed night in Billings checking out the hard hitting action of the Mustangs.


Here is a bit of Montana trivia:

Montana has the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states.

I hear one night a grizzly bear fell asleep on Billing's most traveled highway during rush hour.
The traffic was held in place for 2 hours. Both drivers were very angry.

More from the bunchojunk.com Closet

Sadly not everything I start gets finished. No, I have bunches and bunches of stuff that never gets completed.

And like any well meaning person, I save ALL of it. Just like you might save knick knacks, baby pictures and episodes of Breaking Bonaduce.

I bet your closet is full of that stuff.

Just like the bunchojunk.com closet.

You know if I write short sentences, the article looks bigger!

Especially if I put spaces between each line.

Isn't that cool?

Anyway, what follows is more of the junk that WASN'T fit to print before.

First up is a photo that WOULD have been part of an article about Lassie and Mister Rogers.



It's pretty cool. Still, it can't hold a candle to this other deleted passage about mustaches:

I love mustaches. I am so glad they don't cause cancer. You know, because so many cool things seem to cause cancer.
But not mustaches.
Imagine the panic that would grip the nation if we found out that mustaches were infecting the faces of men everywhere. Think of how conflicted Burt Reynolds would be. Cancer? Or being mustache-less.
I bet he would keep the mustache.
I also bet Morgan Spurlock would shave his 'stache.
Hypocrite.

Yes, I had my finger on the pulse of America that day. Speaking of mustaches, here is an unfinished piece that has nothing to with mustaches.

Kevin Costner made a few movies about baseball. Bull Durham, For Love of the Game, even Dances With Wolves is kind of about baseball.
Think about it. Costner is the home team, the wild west is Dodger Stadium and that guy who played the painter on "Murphy Brown" is Hee-Seop Choi.
Of course you never want to

I'm not sure how I planned to end that sentence, but I hope it had something to do with Injuns... or the balk rule.


There is tons more gripping, high quality concepts that you really need to check out. For example, my examination of how I look "with" and "without" my hands in my pockets:


It's tough to choose whether I like "with" or "without." They both have their advantages. For example: if a hot chick was about to trip and fall I would have a better chance to catch her if I went with the "without" look. Of course, if it was a smelly dude who was covered in marmalade "with" would probably give me better excuse for not helping him.

I know it seems stupid, but wouldn't this site have benefited from those photos? Or how about a photo of a little car:


Yes, it may have done some good. Still, I can take comfort in the fact that you have now seen it. And the bunchojunk.com closet now has more room for my new bowling ball.