Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Dear Sweetie: Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama

Every so often I check my email and find letters from people in need of advice. The letters touch me dearly, tortured souls crying out for help from me. So, I exploit them and put them on this site.

Letter #1:
Dear Sweetie,
It has been 17 days since my last cigarette. It is so hard to quit! I have the strongest urges to light up again! What do I do?
Signed,
Missing Smoke

Dear Missing,
Quitting smoking is hard, but quitting QUITING smoking is easy! I think that is delicious irony. I also think it is ironic that we park in a drive way and drive on a park way. I think it is interesting that "ironic" contains the word "iron" and the letters "I.C." which can stand for "integrated circuit". Some integrated circuits are made out of iron. That's not ironic, though, that’s just interesting.
Thanks for writing,
Sweetie



Letter #2
Dear Sweetie,
I am blind. I have a lot of trouble dating, mostly because of the fact that I am blind. What can I do?
Thanks,
Blindie

Dear Blindie,
Buck up young man! Being blind isn't so bad. I know this because I saw both "Daredevil" and "Ray". I assume you didn't see these movies because you can't see. Here are some of the things I learned.
"Ray" taught me that if you feel a woman's wrist you can tell if she's ugly. So, check the wrists! Also, you should really date the ugly girls. After all, what difference does it make to you? You can't see them.
"Ray" also showed me that you can hear hummingbirds from a mile away with your supersonic hearing. You are like a superhero!
"Daredevil" just taught me that Colin Farrell, Joe Pantoliano and Ben Affleck are all overrated. I am not sure how that will help you.



Letter #3
Dear Sweetie,
I am trying to teach my daughter how to swim. Any advice?
Water Girl

Dear Water,
Sure. First, remember pools can be intimating to children. I recommend using a kiddie pool to start with. Since water can get in kid's lungs very quickly I recommend that you fill the kiddie pool with Jell-o.
Then train her for the next 18 years. Then send her to my place for Sweetie's Jell-o-wrestling-a-rama 2023!
Thanks for writing,
Sweetie


If you have questions send them to me. I will respond when I think of something mildly amusing to respond with.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 4

Once again we are off to fabulous Hollywood California so we can take a look at everyone who has been honored with a star on the Walk of Fame.

William Bendix Radio
William Bendix TV

Burly actor, Bendix was best known for his part in the radio drama "Life of Reilly" he was also in the popular TV series of the same name. In addition, Bendix appeared in several movies and made a guest appearance on Mister Ed.
Tex Beneke Rec

Very popular big band performer, known for such hits as "Chattanooga Choo Choo" and "Don't Sit under the Apple Tree".
Belle Bennett MP

Big screen star in the 20s and 30s, Belle starred in "Fat and Foolish", "Mayor of Filbert" and a bunch of other movies that sound like something I just made up.

Belle also starred in three films with the word "devil" in the title: "The Devil Dodger", "The Devil's Skipper" and "The Devil's Trademark".
I could not find any plot information on these, but these are my guesses:

The Devil Dodger: A poignant film about Kirk Gibson's deal with the devil.
The Devil's Skipper: Alan Hale and Bob Denver play wacky crewmen on a boat carrying the devil for what is supposed to be a three hour tour.
The Devil's Trademark: The devil goes to court to defend his ownership of the phrase "three-peat".
Constance Bennett MP

Hard working actress who appeared in the film "Topper" as well as the 1934 version of "Moulin Rouge".
I ask each of you to try to use the phrase "He/she is as hard working as Constance Bennett" today. I think that would be a great way to honor her.
Joan Bennett MP

Sister of Constance Bennett, and she was as hard working as Constance Bennett (there
Tony Bennett Rec

Fabulous entertainer known for "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" among others.
Jack Benny MP
Jack Benny Radio
Jack Benny TV

One of the greatest comic actors of all time. Jack starred in a TV series and radio show where he played a bachelor who always claimed to be 39.
George Benson Rec

Grammy award winning Jazz guitarist who received his star in 1996.
John Beradino TV

A former major league baseball player, John played in the World Series in 1942. After he retired from baseball, he starred in many TV shows and movies, including may appearances on TV's "Annie Oakley".
Edgar Bergen MP
Edgar Bergen Radio
Edgar Bergen TV

Ventriloquist best known for his work with dummy Charlie McCarthy. Amazingly he was a huge success working as a ventriloquist on the RADIO!
Bergen was one of Jim Henson's idols and Bergen and McCarthy appeared in The Muppet Movie.
Bergen and Charlie were often billed separately.
Ingrid Bergman MP

Pretty actress who starred opposite Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca".
Milton Berle Radio
Milton Berle TV

Legendary TV personality, Berle had two nicknames: "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television".
Irving Berlin Rec

The songwriter of "God Bless America".

Whew! I need to take a break. Look for me to finish this in about 500 years.

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 3

The Walk of Fame is about as fun a sidewalk as you can find anywhere. The names of celebrites appear in brass surrounded by a pink and white star. They stretch up Hollywood Blvd. and Vine Street in fabulous Hollywood California.

Let us continue the journey through the "B"s

Richard Basehart MP

During a long showbiz career Basehart played everyone from Adolph Hitler to Wilton Knight (the guy who saved Michael Knight's life) on Knight Rider.

Cont Basie Rec

I know, he's COUNT Basie; the mistake was made in the list put together on the Walk of Fame's official website.
Known for his upbeat jazz and big band compositions, Basie was a household name for decades.



Kim Basinger MP

Star of many feature films including Batman and L.A. Confidential.

Lina Basquette MP

Star of The Godless Girl, Lina has the strange distinction of being Adolph Hitler's favorite actress. I'm not sure if she was Wilton Knight's favorite, too.

Anne Baxter MP

Film star of very high caliber. She appeared in many movies, including The Ten Commandments.

Dr. Frank C. Baxter TV

The good Dr. Baxter appeared in many educational TV programs in the 1950s.

Les Baxter Rec

Les conducted many shows including one hosted by Bob Hope.

Warner Baxter MP

Successful actor best known for his role as Dr. Robert Ordway in the Crime Doctor series.

Beverly Bayne MP

Silent screen actress who appeared in 156 motion pictures including God's Outlaw.

The Beach Boys Rec

Legendary music group known for surf music.

The Beatles Rec

Even MORE legendary music group. Known for saying they were bigger than God (which they weren't. They were however bigger than the Beverly Bayne film God's Outlaw.)

William Beaudine MP

Noted film and TV director. Directed The Green Hornet and the Disneyland TV series.

Wallace Beery MP

A one time carnie, Wallace was an imposing man with a muscular build. He was often cast as wrestlers.

Brian Beirne Radio

Known as Mr. Rock and Roll, Beirne was an L.A. DJ for 29 years. He retired in 2004.

Harry Belafonte Rec

A multi-talented singer and composer with such hits as Turn Around" and "Glory Manger".

Madge Bellamy MP

Actress who appeared in many films including the Halloween classic White Zombie starring Bela Lugosi.

Ralph Bellamy TV

Bellamy started acting in 1939, but stayed in the game long enough to co-star with The Fat Boys in Disorderlies. His final film was the Julia Roberts film Pretty Woman.

Don Bellasario TV

Producer of such hits as Magnum P.I. and Quantum Leap.

John Belushi MP

Famed comedian and 1/2 of the Blues Brothers.

Bea Benaderet TV

Voice actor for hundreds of cartoon characters including many Looney Toons and Betty Rubble.

Robert Benchley MP

Well known humorist and comedian, he wrote and acted on TV and in movies.

To be continued.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 2

In this ongoing series we look at the stars of the Walk of Fame in fabulous Hollywood, California. While many of the stars are well known, others have been forgotten over the years.

Hopefully now, at least you will remember them!

Today, we continue with the "B"s.

Tallulah Bankhead MP

Tallulah Bankhead was an actress and talk show host. She was stunningly beautiful in the 1920s and continued to be a star for the rest of her life. Perhaps her most famous movie was Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat, but her most famous role was as the Black Widow on television's Batman.
She was also known for her heavy drinking and would often appear on TV drunk (according to her co-stars.)

Vilma Banky MP

Vilma was MGM's top star in the mid and late 1920s. Her best known roles were opposite Rudolph Valentino.

Theda Bara MP

Her most famous role was of Cleopatra in the lavish 1917 production. Sadly this film (and most of her films) has been lost since the 1930s. Since there is no one that can prove me wrong, I am going to start telling everyone I played "Freddie the Naked Guard" in this film.



Lynn Bari MP
Lynn Bari TV

One of the hardest working women in Hollywood, Lynn earned two stars on the Walk for appearing in over 130 different projects. She played the lead in some of the earliest TV sitcoms. She appeared in a 1950's film called "I Dream of Jeannie" (not connected in anyway with the TV show) and one called "The Kid From Cleveland" (not connected in anyway with my cousin Sal who lived in Cleveland when he was a kid.)

Bob Barker TV

The noted host of The Price is Right; Bob holds a karate black belt and appears twice in the Guinness Book of World Records. One record is "Most Durable Performer," the other "Most Generous Host in Television history" (for awarding a higher prize total than anyone else.)

Lohman & Barkley Radio

Roger Barkley and Al Lohman were talk show hosts in Los Angeles for over 25 years. In addition they were hosts of an NBC game show called Name Droppers. The duo were honored with the star in 1985 and retired one year later.

Binnie Barnes MP

Accomplished actress who usually played the lead's best friend. Among her many films is the 1939 Three Musketeers. The IMDB also lists her as being one of the celebrities on hand for a 1974 TV special called Herbie Day at Disneyland.
On the Herbie Day page the following words appear "If you like this title, we also recommend... Alcohol and Your Body: Assessing the Damage (1997)".
Perhaps there is a dark side to that loveable bug. I hope he finds the help he needs.

Pepe Barreto Radio

Pepe got his star in 2004. He is an entertainment reporter for KMEX in Los Angeles. According to his site, he also does voice over work for commercials, video games and cartoons.

Mona Barrie MP

London born actress starred in several films including "Dawn on the Great Divide".

Wendy Barrie MP

British actress known for her work in the film "The Private Life of Henry VIII". She also shares a connection with two notorious people. She was engaged briefly to gangster Bugsy Siegel and her godfather is Peter Pan author J.M. Barrie. She took his name as her stage name.

Bessie Barriscale MP

Appeared in almost 60 films. One of Bessie's last films was the 1934 film Beloved. The star of that film was Gloria Stuart who played "Old Rose" in Titanic (1997).

Blue Barron Rec

Performer of big band music with his own orchestra. Still, with a name like Blue Barron I will always pretend he was a superhero.

Gene Barry LT

Vaudeville star who later won fame as TVs Bat Masterson. Sadly, this was a western, and not a superhero show.
Bat Masterson: So we meet again, Blue Barron.
Blue Barron: Yes, I suppose we do.
Bat Masterson: You wanna go shoot some pool.
Blue Barron: Sure! I'll skinny dip.
Bat Masterson: No, I mean "pool" as in "billiards".
Blue Barron: So did I.

Ethel Barrymore MP

The great aunt of Drew Barrymore, Ethel and her brothers John and Lionel were one of the most successful acting families in Hollywood history.

John Barrymore MP

He is Drew's grandfather and one of theater's legendary performers. He was called "The Great Profile". Among his famous films was the 1930 film Moby Dick.

John D. Barrymore TV

The son of John Barrymore and the father of Drew Barrymore. Not as successful as his father or Daughter, John performed in a number of foreign films in addition to his TV series and TV movie work. Drew claims he was an abusive father.

Lionel Barrymore MP
Lionel Barrymore Radio

The third of the three Barrymore siblings. He is best remembered as the mean Mr. Potter in It's a Wonderful Life.

Drew Barrymore MP

She's related to a bunch of people. Plus she was Gertie in E.T.

Richard Barthelmess MP

A movie star with a last name that looks like a typo. He started his career in 1919 and received to Academy Award nominations.

Freddie Bartholomew MP

Famed child actor from the 1930s. Freddie starred in David Copperfield, Little Lord Fauntleroy and Captains Courageous.

Billy Barty TV

Dwarf actor and advocate, Billy has most likely appeared in something you have seen. He appeared in H. R. Pufnstuf as well as many of the Sid & Marty Krofft programs. He played Noodles in the Weird Al Yankovic film UHF and he appeared in the Elvis film Roustabout. He was 39" tall.

That's all I can handle right now. Something tells me that we have a LOT more "B"s to go!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Benjamin Harrison: The Centennial President

Benjamin Harrison was elected President in 1888. He was no stranger to the office since his grandfather was President William Henry Harrison.

Harrison was an Oxford graduate and had served in the Union Army during the Civil War.

Harrison was elected President of the United States in 1888 despite losing the popular vote. Harrison received 100,000 fewer popular votes than Cleveland, but carried the Electoral College.

Harrison was known as the "centennial president" because his inauguration was the 100th anniversary of the inauguration of George Washington.

George Washington was the first President. Washington also later added the word "Carver" to his last name and invented the peanut.

The most perplexing domestic problem Harrison faced was the tariff issue. I defy any of you readers to make jokes about tariffs. It's not easy is it? See why I had to stoop to peanut jokes?

Harrison was re-nominated by his party, but lost re-election to Grover Cleveland.

After leaving office he returned home to Indianapolis, and married the widowed Mrs. Mary Dimmick Harrison in 1896. The Benjamin Harrison Law School in Indianapolis, Indiana, was after him.



Fun facts about Benjamin Harrison:

-He was the first President with electricity in the White House, but because he was afraid of getting shocked, he would have his staff turn everything on an off.

-Often called "Little Ben" by his political opponents.

-Was a Presbyterian.

-First President to have a Christmas Tree in the White House.




Fun Facts I just made up about peanuts:

-Peanuts are the only kind of nut that can be used as a bullet for a 57 magnum.

-The world's largest peanut was found by Jean Smith of Virginia. She choked to death on it.

-In the former Soviet Union peanuts were used as currency.

-Peanut is the only word in the English language that doesn't echo.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

ThankYouGeorge.com

In perhaps the most shameless, self aggrandizing moment in the history of mankind, George Lucas has started a website for people to thank him.

"Thank him for what?" You might ask.

For making Star Wars.

www.thankyougeorge.com

On the website you can read gushing testimonials from people whose lives have been enriched by Star Wars.

Since Lucas is notoriously litigious I won't tell you any of the REAL testimonials but this is what they read like:

Dear George,
When I was 4 I saw Return of the Jedi and it forever changed my life. My first word was "Ewok" and I now have a strange fetish for hairy women... and dogs. I work at the Piggly Wiggly here in Georgia (the one in America not Russia) and I often try to "use the force" to get me through the day.
I wish Princess Leia was real... real hairy.
Thank you


According to the site, this website is the result of a spontaneous outpouring of thanks from the fans started by an 8 year old at a recent convention.
The convention was called Celebration III and was the first Star Wars convention Lucas attended in years. At the convention he gave two speeches to packed houses. At the end there was a question and answer session.

According to Entertainment Weekly at the end of the first Q & A an eight year old boy named Tyler stood up and said "Thank you." George then invited the boy on stage for a photo. A few hours later, at the second Q & A Tyler stood up and said "Thank you" George pretended to be surprised and guess what- invited the boy on stage for a photo.

Hmmmmm.

Besides the phoniness of the whole thing, I am still puzzled WHY we should thank him! Sure, Star Wars fans have enjoyed the film... but they weren't free. We PAID to see them. These same fans already made George rich. Isn't that thanks enough? Shouldn't he be thanking THEM?

And, if the criteria for thanks are making movies that captured our imaginations, is George the only one we have to thank? I think I have a bunch of other people to thank first.

Sure, Star Wars was an excellent 6 films (give or take 3) but aside from the 4 Star Wars films he directed (that's right, 4! He neither wrote nor directed Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) all he has is American Graffiti and THX1138.

Let's compare that with his friend and fellow superstar director Steven Spielberg.
Some of Spielberg's films include:
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Schindler's List (1993)
Jurassic Park (1993)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Jaws (1975)

Let's pretend that Spielberg had taken the same path as Lucas. Today we would be enjoying "E.T.: Revenge of the Sith".

Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Anyway, to add to the bizarre nature of thankyougeorge.com they have a banner ad that says incest is "cool."

I'm not kidding. Look:
Thank The Maker - Sign The Letter to George Lucas for 27 Years of Star Wars

Not to be left out, I decided to pen a letter to Lucas myself:

Dear George,
A few years back I wrote to you with my ideas for episode 3. You ignored them. Why were you so foolish? I ask you, what was wrong with my ideas?
First I suggested a scene with Yoda. I don't know what was wrong with that scene! You made 6 Star Wars films and NEVER showed Yoda naked. You should have listened to me!
Second, you ignored my suggestion of adding a scene where gets frustrated trying to find the hidden picture in one of those "Magic Eye" paintings. Then he kills all three judges from American Idol. That would have been great!
Finally, you ignored my ending for the film. I told you to have Jabba the Hut wake up at the end of Return of the Sith and say "Wow, it was all a dream!" Then he could go to the shower and find Patrick Duffy (obscure reference alert! Click here to read about episode 222 of the hit TV show Dallas.)
Shame on you, Mr. Lucas.
Thanks for nothing.