Where there's a Will, theres a sass (this essay has nothing to do with Will Sasso)

I saw the disaster film The Day After Tomorrow.
I saw it the day before yesterday, but that is besides the point.
I liked it. Lots of things breaking and the Capitol Records building being destroyed even better than it was destroyed in Earthquake. This film had a positive ending, a teenage romance and a DOG that lives through the disaster. This was basically a remake of Independence Day.


There was something missing, however. Will Smith sassing things. How great would that be!

Will: Sir, I just can't wait to go up there and whip Mother Natures backside.

Stand down Mother Nature! You just got SASSED by Will Smith!

Or he could have put on sunglasses and shouted at the sky:

Will: You know what the difference between me and the bad weather is? I make wearing sunglasses look GOOD. The weather is old and busted and I am the NEW hotness.

I wonder how Tommy Lee Jones felt about this? In the first film Will tells him that even though they have the same clothes on he makes it 'look good.' In the sequel he says that Tommy is 'old and busted.' What will they do for the third one? Maybe Will can just hit him in the groin with a big hammer.

Poor Tommy Lee Jones. Not only does he have to share two thirds of his name with a goofy rocker who says 'rad' WAY too much, but he gets sassed.

I feel his pain.

In Las Vegas, Nevada there is a Star Trek themed ride called Star Trek Experience. I rode it. It was really cool, but what I will remember most was the guy who tried to sass a Klingon.
I was in line when a large Klingon woman walked next to us. For those that don't know a Klingon is a humanoid monster with a large forehead (not UNLIKE Dee Snider.)
So the Klingon comes by and shoves us all while bad mouthing the human race. One man turned angrily to the Klingon.

ANGRY MAN: Yo, who you think your shovin'!
KLINGON: You! Now out of my way filthy human.
ANGRY MAN: Yeah, well, at least I gots my plats.

I was lost for a moment. What were plats? Were they platform shoes? Or maybe a decorative dinner platter given to him by President Clinton? WHAT WERE PLATS?

My query was answered seconds later as he shook his PLATINUM chain towards the Klingon. Platinum jewelry is PLATS! Wow! He really sassed that Klingon. Klingons don't have any plats!

I have been sassed many times.

My favorite sassing occurred at a movie theater. I was on my way in to see the Damon Wayan's yukfest Major Paine when I bumped into a woman leaving the theater.

ME: I'm sorry.
WOMAN: Yeah, well watch where you're going ACE VENTURA.

She called me Ace Ventura. Why, I had no idea. I really don't resemble Jim Carrey in any physical way. But I was indeed sassed!

Towards the end of Major Paine Damon sasses a blind kid with a seeing eye dog. "What's with the dog, Ace Ventura?" he said.

I got it! The kid had a dog, like Ace Ventura who has MANY pets. That is why he was called Ace Ventura. Before the show I had no dog with me, nor was there any indication that I owned a pet of any kind,but I received the same sass!

I guess she figured if it was good enough to sass a blind kid, it could be used to sass anyone!

Have you ever been sassed?

To read an essay about Will Sasso from another website click here.

Stupid kids

Kids hang out outside my home. Always. They ride their bikes, torture bugs and break bottles. Pretty much the same things I did when I was a kid. Honestly, it's pretty much the same things I do now on the weekends. Throw in get into a drunken brawl and me asking strange women to show me their tattoos and you have Christmas weekend.

Anyway, I saw the kids crowding around gossiping and one of them said "She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it." After she said this, the kids laughed and LAUGHED. The kids all were amused. Let us try to figure out why.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Read it aloud.

"She's got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Look around you. Are people laughing hysterically? No? Hmmmmm. WHY then, was this funny to the kids?
Let's break it down:

"She's got a dirty mouth...

So her mouth is dirty. She has a dirty mouth. One would assume this means that the aforementioned female swears and cusses A LOT. She says dirty words and thus, she has a figuratively dirty mouth.

...And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

Ahh! This must be the funny part! Instead of just having a mouth that is figuratively dirty, this mouth has DIRT in it!

Let's see how this line would have worked in Gone With The Wind

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Scarlett: Rhett you've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it."

I don't know. Maybe it would have enhanced the film. Maybe THAT would be the line that was constantly quoted. Maybe Mad TV would do a wacky skit that ended like this:

Man: Where are my big damn shoes? Woman I need my big damn shoes!
Woman: Buddy! You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.
Cue the crazy laughter.

Yup. We all say stupid things when we are children. I remember that I had a club. My club consisted of me and two dorky kids that had no OTHER friends. My guess is that deep down we formed the club BECAUSE we had no other friends.
It was a defense mechanism. If anyone ever came by and asked why we only hung out together, the club would be our reason.

Cool kid: Don't you guys have any other friends?
Us: Well, we can't. See we have a club and the membership is very exclusive. Just the other day a bunch of really cool guys came by and tried to join, but they were refused. It's really exclusive.

I don't remember much about my club, but I do remember when I wrote the pledge. Being such an exclusive club we NEEDED a pledge.
The only pledge I knew of was the Pledge Of Allegiance, and the only other club I knew of was the BMG Music Club.
So I took the membership application from BMG and the Pledge Of Allegiance and cobbled together something that VAGUELY resembled an original pledge.
I was very proud of myself. I got up at the meeting (oh yeah, we had MEETINGS) and I read the pledge. It went something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the club and the United States Of America
This club has more superstars than ever and can be yours for no obligation
We will defend our club and our country against all who are not completely satisfied

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" one of the children shouted "We can't defend the country against the RUSSIANS!"
I tried to reason with them. I explained that it was unlikely that Russian Troops would show up in the woods behind my house.
"But what if the army drafts us?" He asked.
Hmmm, this I HADN'T thought of. After all, what well organized fighting regime doesn't need a bunch of goofy ten year olds, especially ones that have membership in a CLUB.

So needless to say, I had to rewrite the pledge. Thankfully the Russians NEVER did show up in the woods. But If they had I could have put them in their place.

Russian Soldier: We will crush you, you ugly Capitalistic pig!
Me: You've got a dirty mouth. And I mean a dirty mouth with dirt in it.

That would have done it.

LINKS:

UGLY KID
Here is the website for a movie called the Ugly Kid. THAT is what the other members of the club looked like.

What stupid things did you say as a kid?

Advice to the lovelorn

America's foremost advice columnist answers your questions about love, life and VCR repair.

Dear Sweetie,
Almost every relationship I've ever been in has ended badly and I'm always the one to get hurt. I either get cheated on or left for someone else. Is there something wrong with me or do I just keep picking the wrong girls?
-Bad Picker

Dear Picker,
You are probably just not wearing enough cologne. Women love men that wear lots of cologne.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
I love how he produces Saturday Night Live (executivly, no less.) I am enchanted by his silver hair and manly physique. How can I get him to notice me?
-Drooling Dame

Dear Drooling,
You are on the wrong website. This is advice for the 'lovelorn' not those that 'love Lorne Michaels. However, I can help.
Pin a note on your shirt that says "If found please return to Lorne Michaels." Then get lost. If you don't know how to write, or they don't give you sharp objects where you are, just get lost.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie
Dude I can't find the remote.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
It's probably under the couch.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
My Wife hates my dog. She keeps telling me that she is going to leave me if the dog stays. What should I do.
-In The Doghouse

Dear In
Throw all of her make-up in the toilet. She'll be so busy worrying about that she won't have time to worry about the dog.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Dude, I looked under the couch, it isn't there.
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
I don't know. Hey, I just told some guy to throw his wife's make-up in the toilet.
-Sweetie

Dear Sweetie,
Awesome. Do you think he'll do it?
-Out Of Controls

Dear Out,
Probably, he sounded pretty stupid.
-Sweetie

Do you have any questions for Sweetie? If so write them on the men's room wall at the mall (by the food court), or post a comment.

Ridin'

Wow. I just saw an old man almost get hit by a car. Actually that isn't quite true. I just saw a woman miss an old man by over ten feet and then the old man acted like he was almost hit.
Big time acting. He did a stutter step, back and forth almost like a dance. He extended his arms as if to HOLD the car back (assuming that it jumped 11 feet horizontally.) He then made the "are you drunk?" face. It may have been the "was that Ted Kennedy face?" I am not quite sure.
Anyway he hobbled off the road and wiped his brow clutched his chest and died on the spot. Or maybe he went to the deli to buy a copy of Big Butt Magazine and a strawberry milk. I have no idea, I was long gone by that point.

But, it reminded me of something that happened to me about five years ago. I was in Epcot in Walt Disney World. Specifically I was on the second floor of The Land Pavilion exiting the Circle Of Life attraction. I was so pleased to learn our place in the "great circle of life", us humans are near the TOP!

An elderly lady in a wheelchair was exiting the show as well. A MOTORIZED wheelchair. She was speeding along next to me and then she started to veer towards the wall, I tried to move out of the way, but it was to no avail. She hit me, HARD.
I am not ashamed to admit this, but the little old lady in the wheelchair almost made me CRY. She did make me BLEED. A small scrape for sure, but I was scraped. Many onlookers ran over blood started to trickle down my shin and a bruise started to form.
"Are you alright?" a man shouted
"Yeah, I could probably use a band-aid" I said "Do you have anyones with dinosaurs on them? Or maybe the ones with the sharks riding skateboard..."
I looked up from my wound to see that no one was looking at me. Everyone was looking at the old lady.
"I'm fine" she said "There are just to many damn people here. And, it's too hot."
Seventeen people rushed her over to the concession stand to buy her a soda. I was left behind. Nothing to do but stand there and BLEED.
Now, with his near miss, this old man knew how I felt. But, what about the things I have hit with my car?

Let me see where to begin?
I hit my own mailbox once. It was a snowy day in December. As I went to turn into the driveway, the car skidded and hit the mailbox. Snapped it like a Slim Jim.

I hit a deer once. He had it coming to him. We were at a bar and he kept making mean comments about American Idol so I slugged him.
That was a joke. I hate American Idol, so I bought him and his deer friends a round of drinks.

Two time I have been hit by deer. Really! Once I was driving down the road when a stampeded of deer started crossing in front of and behind my car. I stopped. One deer, a big stupid one that looked like a cow, slowly WALKED head first into my car. He then shook his head and moved on. He must be one of those "special" deer that gets picked last for dodge ball.
He left a small ding in the door. The other deer was much worse. I was going over a bridge and he jumped on the bridge, and the hood of my car. He rolled off leaving a trail of deer spit and fur.
FYI Deer spit looks like marshmallow whip, but doesn't taste like it. It tastes more like those hard pieces of chalk that the Hot Cocoa companys PRETEND are marshmallows.

In addition to the deer, I have hit squirrels, trashcans, a possum and what was either a raccoon or a midget burglar. Either way, he DESERVED it.

What have you hit?

He aint ugly, he's Tom's cousin

William Mapother. I feel so mean writing this, but I feel I must.

In 2001 I saw Mission Impossible 2 and I was shocked by what I saw.
No not the constant use of masks and flashbacks, no, it was William Mapother. William Mapother was the ugliest man I have ever seen. Distractingly ugly.
I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I saw a documentary where "Lord Of The Rings" director Peter Jackson ate a meatball sandwich on a hot day. With no napkins. I have seen a wrestler that calls himself Bastion Booger. I once saw Phyllis Diller without makeup. But, William Mapother, man was he ugly.

He had a wispy beard that seemed to start at the eyebrows. His nose began somewhere in the middle of his forehead. Children ran screaming from the theater. It was like when "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron" was playing.

After the film, I tried for weeks to forget what I just saw. Then, a year later Vanilla Sky came out. For those that haven't seen this, Tom Cruise plays a man who wears a mask to hide his face. In one scene William Mapother shows up. I kept waiting for him to borrow the mask.

As soon as I left the theater I had to find out who this William Mapother was. If he could be in show business, I was going to run for president. If the world of glitz and glamour had embraced this Quasimodo, I should be a lock for leader of the free world.

A quick internet search and I find Mapother is Tom Cruise's cousin. Tom Cruise was born Tom Mapother. Once I learned this I was relieved. I now understood why he was in films and I no longer needed to run the country. I took Monica Lewinski off speed dial.

However, this answer posed a new and more challenging question. 'How could Tom Cruise, who is considered to be good looking by most everyone, be from the same gene pool as a man who looks like a bad cross between Dave Coulier and Bert from Sesame Street?'

I still don't know. Perhaps all the good genes in the family went to Tom Cruise. Maybe he is the Super Mapother. Maybe the rest of his family looks like the brood in Texas Chainsaw Massacre maybe Boo Radley was inspired by his ancestors? I don't know.

Mapother has since appeared in 'In The Bedroom'. I have seen some more recent photos and he isn't as glaringly strange to look at. Perhaps it is that he shaved the beard. Maybe he had a facelift. Perhaps like caterpillars, all Mapothers must go through a larva and pupa stage before they emerge as butterflies.

Either way, this Bud's for you William Mapother. You make Tom look even better.

Alone on the internet (AKA It is very cold in cyberspace)

No one ever reads this webpage. Really, they don't. I don't have to tell you, because you're not there. Nope, I am alone. Like Vincent Price in Last Man On Earth, or like that one guy who went to see Last Days Of Disco in the theater. No one else is in earshot.

I checked this page's hit counter last night. It was at negative 2. I didn't even know you could have a negative number. I asked the provider how this could be possible and he said two people wandered into this site by accident an notified him to make sure nobody mistook that for actual web traffic. For good measure, he took the counter down an extra two just in case.

So I am alone. At first I was sad. Then, I realized how liberating this is! Why bother to use punctuation or coherent sentence structure. I will just let it fly! Here goes:

shrek2

i saw shrek 2 its good i like the cat with the boots he is funny he tried to eat a mous and shek said stop hahaha
the movie starts right arfter the other shrek i am glad they called this one shrek 2 too many moviees have stupid titles like laura crokt tombradidere cradele of life that is too long or teen wolf too that is stupid
i hear that justin bateman really is a wolf and he cant read or write
well i guess i cant blame him for avoiding this webpage
so anyway shrek and fiona are married fiona was a hot chick that turned into a green ogre like shrek her parents are humans and british shrek seems to be scottish puss in boots is spanish this movie is a real meltingpot
so the king wants prince sharming to marry his daughter
shrek feels bad so he takes a potion that turns him into fred flintstone the talking donkey takes the potion and he turns into a horse
there was a little kid in the theater who kept running up and down the aisles saying shrek rules and donkey drools the kid seemed stupid but donkey s do in fact drool
bye bye

Guy Hutchinson