Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Mickey Mantle at Hooters

Not too much to say about this one... but that never stopped me before.

In my local Hooters they have this photo on the wall of Mickey Mantle with the Hooter girls. They aren't girls from my local Hooters (Mickey was already dead when it opened) and they aren't even at a Hooters (this was probably just a photo taken at some event that featured both Mickey and Hooter Girls.

This is just one of the many 8x10s that get sent to a new Hooters when they open so they have something to put on the walls until they start to establish pictures of their own events.

So, as time marched on at my Hooters, this odd photo moved to the back room. Not an employee lounge or anything... just a dining area where they only seat people on Super Bowl Sunday or other ridiculously busy days.

In other words, very few people get to see this photo.

But now, you have.

I love it.

I love that the girls have they tied cotton shirts (this was before the spandex tops.)

I love the oh so 80s visors they wear.

And I love the fact that the Hooter girl is holding a baseball bat in front of Mickey Mantle's crotch.

Journey: The Video Game

Today there are flash games made for everything online. If you go to the website for any TV show they invariably have a little video game you can play by clicking on things or moving the arrow key on your keyboard.

It seems anyone can make one and in minutes. I bet there was a game online that simulates Michael Jackson's funeral... and I bet it was online before the funeral took place.

But until recently such things were unheard of.

In the 1980s making a video game was a several month and several billion dollar endeavor. I guess. I don't really know. I am just making a big fancy introduction for Journey: The Video Game.

It's hard to believe that Journey had ONE video game, but they actually had TWO... more if you count Rock Band or Guitar Hero games that include "Any Way You Want It."

But I don't "want it" that way. So it's two.

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This was created to generate a buzz for the Journey video game. It says "the hottest band in the country is about to take over the planet!" and you can tell they MEAN IT because it is in all caps. That's also why I put "mean it" in 'all caps.' Why I put "mean it" in the double quotation marks and "all caps" in the single quotation marks is a mystery to me. I just didn't pay enough attention in school.

Forgive me, but I didn't know that Journey was once the HOTTEST band on the planet. I knew they were hot, but I am thrilled to know they were the HOTTEST!

It must be true... take another look at that flyer:
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There must be half a dozen fans waiting just outside the backstage doors. Luckily Officer Dabney Coleman is there to keep them out.

Oddly enough "backstage" has glass doors like a 7-11.

Let's take a look at the game:

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Seriously, that is what it looks like.

I actually played this game and it really does play like one of those flash games. You have these odd computer people with photos of Journey band member's heads for heads (does that make sense? If not look at the picture again.)

Here is what Wikipedia says:
The game starts out with the player choosing one of five planets to travel to. Each planet features a minigame starring one of the Journey band members, with the objective of collecting his musical instrument (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).
Once the instruments are collected Journey performs a concert.

Sounds pretty stupid (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).

There was also DIFFERENT Journey game for Atari.

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I am stunned it didn't become the next Donkey Kong (or, in the case of Steve Perry, a microphone).

My Disney Cruise: Day 1

I am a Disney junkie. I take multiple trips to the theme parks every year, I watch the movies (even the straight to video ones) and I even took a trip to Walt's grave:
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Still, there was one Disney vacation that I had not done...

What could it be....

Isn't this suspenseful?

It was...

The Disney Cruise.

Until now. Luckily I was recently able to take a four night voyage on a ship called The Disney Wonder. The ship's name is "Wonder" and it's operated by the Disney company... It's not named "Disney" and run by the Wonder Bread company... but that would have been pretty cool, too.

DAY 1:
Before entering the ship we saw a wonderful model of the Disney Magic (a different Disney ship.)
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The model was possibly just for display, but I like to imagine that when really short people show up they let them sail on that. I also like to imagine that when really tall people show up they pretend that is the real ship and tell them they are too tall to ride. Then they cry.

Something about a crying giant really cracks me up.

I think it's interesting that they had a model of the Magic on display when we were there for the Wonder. Perhaps they both leave from the same place.

I bet if they get another ship they would call it Imagine or Discover. I can foresee the whole fleet: Magic, Wonder, Imagine, Discover, Exasperation, Celebration, Motivation, Maximum Cleaning Power, Alpha, Mister Googily Goo, Shemp and Joe Derita.

Once on the ship I had a chance to look around before the safety drill at 4pm.
For the drill everyone (and I mean everyone) had to put on a life vest and line up in an assigned spot. We were told this was the only serious part of our cruise. They even passed out rubber chickens and whoopee cushions after the drill to drive home the point.

Actually they didn't. But they did show us a video of a crying giant. It was hysterical.

As we set sail the Disney characters were on hand for a "Adventures Away" party. It was lots of fun with music and streamers. The drink of the day was the "Bahama Mama."

I bet if you take the cruise to Greece the drink of the day is the "Greece Niece" ... uh ... and if you go to Yemen it's the... uh... "Yemen Insurance Salesman."
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Also on board were Disney Channel stars : Mitchel Musso, Jason Earles, Anna Maria Perez de Tagle and Brandon Smith.
During the cruise I saw them at a few special functions and I saw them wandering around the ship.

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Almost every night featured a Broadway style show. The first night was a show called the Golden Mickey's. It was the least grandiose of the three shows, but it was my favorite.

It was themed as an award show and featured many performances from many Disney films. It certainly got me in the right mood for the rest of the trip!

First night's dinner was at Animator's Palate, a unique restaurant that changes color throughout the meal.
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I wish I had taken a before photo so you could compare them. I also wish I could think of an exotic island that rhymes with "brother."

This is me with Lavendra, one of our servers. The servers are assigned to your party for dinner. So, no matter where our dinner was, Lavendra was there.
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Back on land, I occasionally look around for Lavendra as I heat up a TV dinner. Then I feel sad. Then I think of a sad giant and I feel happy again.

Day 2 coming soon....

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Twitter is a possible social networking tool. Until 3 years ago the only "social networking tool" I knew was Danny Bonaduce. Now social networking tools are everywhere.

Twitter is also what flys do when you pull their legs off.

Twitter allows users to post comments (or "tweets as dorks call them) of 150 charcters or less. This way you can alert people to what you have for lunch, when you bathe, what TV show you are watching and how you just pulled the wings off a fly.

And you can do it in real time.

The only problem with Twitter is finding something to say. Well, being that I DON'T have a Twitter account I have plenty of extra tweets just rattling around in my head.

I will present them here. That way all you have to do is cut and paste them into the Twitter box and everyone will think you are twitactular.

Take a look:

At Friendly's. A lady came by my table holding a salad. She said "which one of you gets this beautiful salad?" We didn't order a salad. I don't know if she even works here.

I just met a girl named Candy. I wanted to take a bite out of her. Not because she was pretty, but because I am a cannibal.

Saw Saw II. Didn't like the end. Too many credits. Dropped cigarette and burned couch. Wasn't even smoking.

Playing D&D with Steve. Steve said "Cleric Magic User" when he meant "Wizard Magic User." He so stupd.

At dentist. Need to have cavity filled. Filled with TACOS! Ha ha. I am hungry. I hope there is a Del Taco in this town.

Fighting with rival store owner. He said "this town isn't big enough for both of us." I suggested we both move to a bigger town.

Just remembered a Cracked magazine parody of wrestling where they called Sgt. Slaughter: Sgt. S. Laughter. That's funny! Words so close. Weird.

Forrest Gump on AMC. I don't think he really did all those things.

Playing Halo 4. I really thought this was a video game version of the Gary Coleman TV film Kid with the Broken Halo. It's not. Well, wait till I finish to be sure.

At DMV lady is trying to take my picture. She keeps saying "stop typing on your phone" or something. She stupid.

Still at DVM. Sgt. S. Laughter. That still cracks me up.

Cop just sped past. I wonder if the phrase "cop a feel" came from being frisked. Or maybe his first name was Al. Cop A. Feel. And he was a pervert.

CNN said inventor of VCR just died. I hope they rewind him before they put him in the box. Sorry. too soon.

Watching UFC 98. Much better than 4, 88, 32, 8, 71 and 6. Reminds me of UFC 22 or 58. I haven't watched 83 or 22 yet. 17, 67, 2. 9.

Steve is in wing eating contest. Watching. Hope he wins. Bet he will look like he has a baby bump after.

I used my new Asics when I ran today. NOT COMFORTABLE. Must make sure they were on the right feet. Yep they were on the right feet. Mine.

Watching some movie where Hulk Hogan babysits kids in a balerina outfit. Not sure the name. Possibly Easy Rider.

Can't belive there are candy called Goobers. Maybe they taste like a loogie.

Yaphet Kotto

Yaphet Kotto is an American actor. His dad was the Crown Prince of Cameroon. No kiddin'! I don't know much about the political system in Cameroon. Perhaps Crown Prince is the top of the political ladder.... or maybe it's like being a city councilman.

I bet the system works like this: Cameroon is broken into 4 provinces (or Luplups as the locals call them.) Each Luplup is run by a Lord, a Landlord, a Governor and a Crown Prince. The four Crown Princes report to the President and he reports to Kirk Cameron.

Or maybe not.

Either way, Yaphet's dad wanted more and so he came to America in the 1920s. Yaphet started taking acting classes at 16, made his stage debut at 19 and started acting in films in his late 20s. He has since appeared in close to 100 TV and movie productions.

One of my favorite performances by Yaphet is in the James Bond actioner Live and Let Die.

This is one of my favorite films of the Bond franchise and Yaphet Kotto is my favorite villain.

Bond kills him by inflating him until he explodes.

He is called Mr. Big in the film. Not the best Bond villain name.

He is also known as Kananga. Still, not all that inspired... but when your REAL NAME is YAPHET KOTTO. Every character name has to be a bit of a let down.

Backwards his name is Ottok Tehpay.

He once put out a poetry record and there is a band out there that stole his name.

One time he stuck his thumbs in his ears and someone took his picture:

Yaphet Kotto!

Smoke and a Pancake

The internet is pretty dang cool. You can flip through thousands of photos of whatever you choose. Search for "pancake" and you might find this dude:

I love this picture. I love how he holds his pancake with one hand and his ciggie with his other hand.

I love his tattoos. He has one on his left bicep and one on his right forearm. I wasn't sure what they were at first, but now I know... they are AWESOME.

I love his simple steel bracelet, I love the fact that he is eating pancakes outside in the fall.

I love that the pancake is shaped like a dog or a marmoset or something. That might meant that kids are around. This guy looks like a cool grandpa.

I love his steel watch and understated white shirt accented by what might be George Harrison's signature on his cigarette pocket.

God bless you dog shaped pancake eating, tattooed, smoking, George Harrison meeting, outdoor-sy grandpa.

Sonny Eclipse

I love Walt Disney World. It's one of my favorite places in the world (just behind Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Disneyland and Jennifer Love Hewitt's dressing room.)

I usually make sure to visit all four parks on every visit (saving DisneyQuest for every 2 years) and I like to get my money's worth from my Annual Pass.

My touring schedule is like this:

I get to the theme park about 30 minutes before opening hit my favorites until about noon. Then I leave the park and find a nice place for lunch. After that I head back to my hotel... go to a museum... do something away from the heat and crowds at the park. I return by 3 or 4pm and stay there until it's time to get back to the hotel and sleep.

This works great. The afternoon break gives me a chance to get changed (if my clothes are sweaty, or dirty or have gone out of style since I put them on) maybe take a shower, swim, pick up taxidermied gator heads at souvenir stand and look for Brutus Beefcake (I hear he lives around there.)

Then when I get back to the theme park I feel so refreshed... I feel like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Sometimes this just won't work. Usually on the last day of my vacation I have already checked out of my hotel and I just want to squeeze every last minute out of the day.

So I stay.

But I have found ways to beat the heat. I carry a hand towel with me to whisk the sweat off my brow. I go to Epcot and drink a cold margarita to cool me off. I drink two margaritas and I forget that it's so hot. I drink three margaritas and I forget to wear pants and call up my high school girlfriend (she's a podiatrist in Pennsylvania.)

Or I watch Sonny Eclipse.

Sonny is an animatronic lounge lizard. He's one of those Disney robots, like the Country Bears, Abe Lincoln (at the Hall of Presidents) or The Jonas Brothers.

Sonny is located in Tomorrowland at the Magic Kingdom. He entertains guests at a counter service burger place called Cosmic Ray's Starlight Cafe. I never ate there, but I love to stop in and grab a table and watch Sonny do his thing.

He tells corny jokes (Hey! Did you hear the universe is expanding? Guess it's time to loosen the asteroid belt!) and sings swingin' big band songs.

He sings original songs about subjects like "gravity" and the outer space city he hails from Yew Nork (on the planet Zork.)

According to something I heard somewhere his voice is provided by renown blues artist Kal David.

Check out Sonny performing Planetary Boogie:

Top 10

#10: Oliver the Humanzee. This chimp was considered by many scientists to be some kind of half man, half chimp. The claim is long been disproved, but I still love Oliver.
Oliver walks completely upright and in his heyday smoked cigars and drank beer.
Just like Teddy Roosevelt.

#9 The King of Queens Episode where Doug wins a lot of money and must spend it in a day. Like the Brewsters Millions films (and I said FILMS because the Richard Pryor version was actually the seventh big screen version of the book Brewsters Millions) this episode dealt with the amusing idea of someone intentionally blowing a lot of money.
In this story, Doug and Deacon win money in their office football pool or lottery or something (I didn't bother to look it up in an episode guide) and so they decide to spend the money in one day rather than share it with their wives.
They eat lobster rent a flashy car and rent a singer (I think it may have been Joe Cocker, Rick Derringer, the guy from Survivor or Bryan Singer: the director of Superman Returns.)

#8 A photo of Mr. T with Hillbilly Jim and Hulk Hogan.

#7 Steve Harvey's mustache. Isn't it magnificent? Who wants to "click to see hats" when you can gaze into that beautiful hair covering his lip. Like the mighty Sampson, the power of his follicles overwhelm us all.

#6 Hungry Jacks. In Australia some Burger Kings are called Hungry Jack. There is some really boring legal reason, but don't worry about it. Just gaze at the beauty that is Hungry Jack. Then imagine it with Steve Harvey's mustache. Delicious.

#5 Wonder Sauna Pants. Slim your way to a better you inside a pair of inflated plastic bags. You won't look like a jerk.

#4 Little Mr. T. Don't mistake this ranking to mean he is superior to Mr. T. He is just superior to a photo of Mr. T with Hillbilly Jim and Hulk Hogan.
Little Mr. T was a midget wrestler in the 1980s.

#3Disney's Polynesian Resort. Bordering the Seven Seas Lagoon, this slice of paradise feels so removed from the hustle and bustle of the Magic Kingdom yet it is just a monorail ride away. It also always looks like 1971 there. I should wear my sauna pants and Steve Harvey's mustache there.

#2 Moxie. The beverage, known for it's strong taste, is still produced today. It is a beverage. The name for it is Moxie. Moxie has strong taste, in fact it's still being produced! Also of note: Moxie is known for it's strong taste, a taste that is stronger thus people know it as such.
Wow, I didn't think I had enough info for a paragraph! How wrong I was!

#1 The Poster for Semi-Tough. This is a pretty good Burt Reynolds flick, but MAN OH MAN is it a great poster. Just look at it!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Smurf your Atari

I love the Atari. I have one in my living room. A classic faux wood grain Atari 2600 and a pile of games. What I like about it (other than the sheer nostalgia) is the simplicity of the games.

Here is one I like:

Smurfs: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle. You know I don't think I ever noticed the subtitle before.

The plot is: you are a Smurf and you have to perform a rescue in Gargamel's castle.

That's pretty much it.

Here are some stills from the Colecovision version. Same basic premise, just better looking:

First thing that you need to learn in this game is hopping. This game has more hops in it than a case of Miller Light. Wait, let me check on that...

I just read some long winded message board babble about how Miller Light claims to have "Triple Hops" but the message board people think it has no hops.

I don't know what a hop is and I don't wanna bother checking... although Drunk Atari would be an awesome name for my new Ska band.

Anyway, the point is... you have to push up twice to hop and you must hop constantly in this game. See that fence? Gotta hop it. If you try and walk into it YOU DIE.

I don't get it. Was the fence made of small pox? How the hell does it kill you? You are only walking into it.

Plus, this must be a Smurf made fence. Smurfs are only 3 apples high (don't ask how I know that) so if it was a real fence even Anthony Hopkins couldn't 'hop' it.

That wasn't a stupid joke based solely on Hopkins' name. I heard that during the making of Remains of the Day he took a skipping start and hopped over Merchant and Ivory.

And why would a Smurf built fence out of small pox? It defies logic.

Keep hopping. Gotta hop up the cliff. I just hop the whole game. Why bother walking?

Now you hop down a cliff. AND YOU HAVE TO HOP. If you step off your legs crumble under you. It's awful.

Finally we have hopped our way to Gargamel's castle! But first we must hop past it and hop over a river. Careful We have to hop over snakes, but hop under birds.

Also, what kind of bird is THAT small next to a Smurf. I don't think this really happened. It must have been made up by the game programmer.

Somehow once you walk PAST Gargamel's you enter his castle. He isn't home, but you still have to rescue Smurfette.

So, hop past the spider and hop up to her.

Then you can do it all over again, but they do silly things like make you do each screen many times in a row, or add lots of birds.

I give it four stars... out of how many stars? You will never know.

Here is the original commercial for the game:

A bunch of stupid pictures

Hey! Look at this dude and this lady! They met Ted Danson:

And they met him in a bar! Wowee! That is too cool. Ted is dressed like he is either in a barbershop quartet or a ticket taker at General Cinemas.
Also, is that flag on the wall behind him? Or did Neil Armstrong land on his head and put that there?

Look out kids! It's Bob Newhart:

They say this is from the rehearsal of the 37th Emmy awards, but I like to pretend he was at a Gwar concert but couldn't find anyone to go with him.

I don't know who this guy is:

But I love his ship's steering wheel paper weight. Rock on stranger.

Bosom Buddies? It's Peter Scolari and Tom Hanks:

The two Bosom Buddies stars reunited at the premiere of Polar Express. Peter pressed his head to Tom's bosom and the photo was snapped. Later Peter started to cry and Tom wiped his tears with million dollar bills and drove him home. They were able to put Peter's 83 Ford Escort in the trunk of Tom's giant limo.

Talk about Macho! It's Macho Man Randy Savage:

Randy showed up at the premiere for Disney's Bolt looking like Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard... well, things could be worse. He could look like Uncle Jesse...
...from Full House!

John Travolta in a plane:

Yep! He flies planes!

John Travolta:

He knows all about planes!

John Travolta:

Yes sirree! We know he likes the planes!

John Travolta:

Flying the friendly skies! He likes the cockpit!

John Travolta:

You like planes. We get it.

John Travolta:

We know it! You like planes and kissing dudes! Enough!

Good Burger

In 1997 the film Good Burger opened in over 2000 theaters. The film debut at midnight in most cities around the United States. It went on to make over 50 million dollars on Friday and by the following weekend it passed Titanic to become the highest grossing film of all time. Soon people all over the world were buying up merchandise and "consider yourself tomatoed" became a national catchphrase.
The film was quickly followed by Good Burger 2: The Return of Mondo Burger which proved to be as popular as the original. Then in 2008 the duo of Keenan and Kel were elected as the first Black President and Vice President on a platform of lower taxes and putting Osama Bin Laden into "the grinder."
And Guy Hutchinson had a nice 4 day weekend and drank some good lemonade.

Ahh, what a perfect world that would be.

But alas, Good Burger opened quietly, didn't rock the box office and I never got any lemonade.

Still, I love this movie. If you haven't seen it, here is a synopsis:

Based on a sketch from the 'All That' Nickelodeon series, Good Burger stars Keenan and Kel (I am not sure about the rest of their names. Maybe it was Keenan Ivory Wayans and Kel Penn.)

Kel plays Ed, a doofus who works the counter at a fast food joint. Keenan plays Dexter, a kid who broke Sinbad's car (the actor, not the mythical sailor.)

Soon the duo are working together at the Good Burger where Abe Vigoda and K-Fed's other baby momma (Shar Jackson) crack jokes.

But all is not well. Soon Mondo Burger opens, a bigger burger joint. On the verge of bankruptcy Good Burger starts using Ed's secret sauce and 20 minutes later George Clinton dances and the credits roll.

italianfoodfan2001 (Sun Jun 14 2009 15:25:50)

What do you think is the recipe for his sauce?

I saw him putting in carnation milk powder, whole unpeeled onions, and pickles in the scene where he was making the sauce. He also apparently puts in lemon juice and ketchup when he almost keeps blabbing the recipe. And I wonder how he got it to look all saucey? He probably put in a lot of water. I'm going to experiment this tomorrow but like I'm going to make a whole pot of it? no way.

No way indeed, Italianfoodfan2001.

Here is what the Good Burger looks like today:

It's a taco stand. In the film I think they simply made fake walls to create a building around the counter.

Here is Mondo Burger:

It's a real estate/dentist office! In the movie you can see the dentist sign on the outside of the building.

Anyway, the whole movie is on Youtube:

Hope you love it.