Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Celebrities going over Niagara Falls in a Barrel

A few years ago I went to Niagara Falls in Canada. It was a fun trip, but on the final day I was still a bit disappointed.

Sure, the weekend had been lots of fun. I had done some cool things, but I didn't see anyone go over the falls in a barrel.

Not wanting to research, I just assumed dudes were going over the falls in a barrel all the time. I thought so many barrels were popping down that you expected Donkey Kong to be standing at the top of the Falls.

Nope, that was not the case.

Luckily, at a tourist attraction, I found something that would change my life forever. Or at least help me fill up a few paragraphs of silliness.

A small booth was set up with a plastic barrel that you could be photographed in as you pretended to go over the Falls.

Even more exciting was a wall of photos of people who posed in the barrel.

The lady who worked the booth was quick to point out Tom Arnold:

Look at that! It's Tom Arnold! Star of... uh... I think he did a movie with Stallone called Eraser.

He also starred in one of the greatest films I have ever seen: The Stupids.

His co-star in The Stupids was Jessica Lundy, star of... uh... The Stupids.

It is Jessica Lundy that Tom Arnold is molesting in the photo.

If all I had seen on the wall at this booth was Tom Arnold going over Niagara Falls in a barrel as he groped Jessica Lundy I would have left very happy.

But, there was more.

Here is John Ritter:

Awesome. Even more impressive was the photo indicates that the fake barrel photo industry has been around for many years, and (other than a new logo on the barrel) they don't change much.

I asked if there were anymore celebrities. She said "no."

Then she said "except for this guy" and pointed to this photo:


Who is that? Well, that is a guy who impersonates John Travolta.

You know, I think that might be even cooler than the other two.

I own a picture of a picture of a guy who looks like another guy in a barrel pretending to be in a different barrel going down Niagara Falls.

I walked away then as the lady cursed me for not paying $7 to get my own photo taken. I didn't need to I had something much better.

This:

Thursday, June 11, 2009

My Bucket List

Below are 10 people I would like to hit with a bucket.





10. Sal Sincere:

Even if you are a wrestling fan you probably don't remember Sal Sincere. Sal was a jobber in the early part of the "attitude era" of the WWE in the late 1990s. Sal had a short lived angle as Sable's boyfriend.
Today I see Sal far too often at indy wrestling shows. He does a stupid variation on his old gimmick. Now he wears a pink hat and tells the audience not to call him "pinky."
Of course, why the hell would they.
And he also blows a whistle.








9. Steven Spielberg:

Steven is perhaps the most talented film director of all time. His movies have touched us, scared us and scarred us mentally.
But where is E. T. 2? Where is it? I have been waiting way too long for that alien to return.
I would love to see E. T. come back to earth! He could visit Elliot's family, maybe at Christmas time, and then help them with their wacky problems.
Or he could just make more wisecracks about wanting to eat their cat. Bring E. T. back from Melmac, Steven!







8. Beauregard:

Stupid muppet.








7. Aaron Burr:

Aaron Burr was Vice President of the United States and he famously killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel.
As a fan of Alexander Hamilton, I really wish Burr hadn't killed him.
I suppose I shouldn't really be mad at Burr for winning since Hamilton was a willing participant. But Hamilton lost and is dead.
So I have to go after the one who is still alive.
Burr if I ever see you, watch out for that bucket!











6. My waiter at TGI Fridays last Saturday:

He was surly, he forgot to bring out the appetizer until after he brought out the food and he never refilled my drink. Still I gave him 15%. I hate being a member of society.






5. Buckethead:

Buckethead is a silly dork who strums his guitar with a bucket on his head. I don't really have a problem with him, I just think it would be funny to hit Buckethead in the head with a bucket.







4. The cars from Cars:

I know everyone loved this movie, but I found it an overlong rip off of Doc Hollywood. I would actually love to hit the cars from Cars with Buckethead.








3. A Cow:

Be honest, who doesn't want to hit a cow with a bucket. You could milk the cow into the bucket, then drink the milk right in front of the cow and then hit that cow with the bucket.
Then you could shout "that's what you get."
Stupid cow.








2. Steve Case:

The former head of AOL, I blame him personally for every minute I waste on the Internet. See, Steve used to charge us by the MINUTE for pseudo-Internet service.
Now, that I don't use that service I am constantly looking at stupid things on the Internet.
Why? Because in the back of my mind I keep thinking now I can spend as much time as I...
You know, this is a really lousy reason. It doesn't even make sense.
Let me start over.








2. Steve Case:

It would make me laugh to hit him with a bucket. Maybe not too hard. Perhaps a plastic bucket.








1. Harlem Globetrotters:

I am a Washington Generals fan. I can't stand these stupid cheaters.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Presidents Park

The other day as I surfed through the Internets I came across a page for a tourist attraction called Presidents Park.

I have no idea how I lived this long without Presidents Park.

Take a look:



This place is the perfect combo of my two favorite things: Presidents and large things I can stand in front of for photographs.

If they threw in free tacos and put on a Weird Al CD I would have never left.



Presidents Park is in Williamsburg Virginia and is right off a busy road. Drive by and you can miss the heads of FDR and Calvin Coolidge buried up to their necks, just like Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. It was so eerily similar I expected Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef to arrive and I could finally determine who was ugly.

Then I would have Lee give me a piggy back ride through the park as Eli tells me knock knock jokes.

And free tacos and Weird Al music.

Anyway, you enter the park through a beautiful building which also had some neat exhibits.

A video on Obama played in the lobby, replicas of famous First Lady dresses were on display and they had pieces of Chester A. Arthur's beard. Not his real beard, the beard of his giant head.

Apparently a recent storm had given him a "shave."


Excuse me... I have to go laugh until I pass out.

Ahhh. Where was I? Oh yeah, the beard.

Also in the lobby they have photos of all the first ladies and a 2000 "butterfly ballot" machine. I used it to work my abs and delts. It was a rad workout, bro.

After you check out the lobby and gift shop you can start your journey through the fun, non-partisan world of giant President heads.

The heads line a winding path in chronological order. Each one is accompanied by a few signs with details on the Commander in Chief. Everything from standard information about when they took office to the silly trivia stuff that I really like.

They are each the same height (about 20 feet tall) which is really impressive, but it means I couldn't kiss them all on their luscious stone lips (I am looking at you, Franklin Peirce!)