Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Fishing for Fun and to Wash Your Soul

Here is a real find for ya. President Herbert Hoover's book "Fishing for Fun and to Wash your Soul".

Cute title... or is it?

Picture Hoover, The Soulwasher walking though an elementary school hooking small children with a giant fish hook and laughing maniacally.

Now picture him naked.

Anyway, President Hoover liked to fish. He fished and fished and fished. So much so that people often told him he smelled like fish. Historians claim his signature on the Declaration of Independence was in the shape of a fish.

Unlike previous Presidents he didn't allow poker in the White House... only GO FISH.

Yeah, the man loved fish.

And his soul was a clean as a baby's first lottery ticket.

I just finished reading Hoover's book. Well, not really. I just looked at the dustcover. Actually, it was a picture of the dustcover.

Still, I feel bad for Hoover. I don't know if the vacuum cleaner brand brand was around then, but if it was I bet everyone would tell him "you suck."

I never met a guy named Hoover, but I did meet a guy named Oreck. I smacked him so hard that a chocolate cookie fell out of his ear. Fresh baked, too.

Hoover Dam. THAT is a pretty good legacy. They named a dam after him. I am too bored to write a bunch of jokes where I use the word "dam" but imply "damn". Could you just pretend I did and laugh 6 times. Actually, just 5 times. Pretend the other joke was no DAM good.

Goodness that was funny.

Back to Hoover, you know I am not sure he is even the most famous Herbert in U.S. history! Think about it... I would put Herbie the Love Bug, Herbie Hancock and Herb from WKRP in Cincinnati above Herbert Hoover.

Sad, really. Not sad like when Big Bird was painted blue and forced to sing in a carnival tent, but sad like when you go to eat some cereal and there isn't any left.

Speaking of cereal, I have to go. I'm doing laundry.

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Muppets at Walt Disney World part 2

To recap:

The Muppets all went to the swamp but then found out they were near Walt Disney World. So they broke into the park (which was really 3 parks, but was depicted as one.)

Gonzo was checking out the garbage disposal system, Bo was taking Miss Piggy on roller coasters and Stadler and Waldorf were trying to "get lucky" with an old lady (they didn't.)

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And Charles Grodin (with Rizzo's help) is trying to capture the Muppets.

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The seven dwarfs show up as Grodin's crack security team.

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Miss Piggy rides on Star Tours.

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Suddenly outside of the Grand Floridian Hotel (I think) Kermit and Robin are cornered by the dwarfs.

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They separate and Robin gets stuck on the monorail. Now he will have to sit through the ENTIRE "grand circle tour" before he meets back up with his uncle. Not content to wait Kermit moves on. This doesn't make him a bad uncle... just a bad frog.

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Fozzie is still telling jokes to tourists. They hate them. Poor Fozzie. If there was ever a Muppet who had the ability to snap and kill us all it would be him. I bet he has thought about mauling a heckler or two.

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Rowlf finds the accommodations adequate at the WDW kennel. They even have a piano. A musical number (Doggin' it) commences. That room must smell awful.Not because of the amount of dogs, I know they aren't real dogs.Still, a room full of puppeteers must reek of granola and rubber cement.

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Gonzo is still checking out the pipes under WDW. What's the deal with him and the chicken, really? It's sexual, isn't it? I think I will go stick a hot stick into my skull. Maybe then some of the bad images will seep out.

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Kermit, sad that he lost Robin, runs into Raven who duets with him on Rainbow Connection.
She tells him that he should never give up on his dream of finding his friends.Of course she could just direct him to the monorail platform and he could wait for the yellow monorail, but that's just silly.

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Animal, ever the ladies man, develops a crush on Snow White. Same thing as Animal and the chicken, right? Ugh. Where is my brain poking stick?

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Seeing Fozzie's bad luck, his mom goes to Country Bear Hall to drum up business. She brings back two country bears (Tennessee and Liverlips), as well as B'rer Bear from Song of the South and Bongo and his girlfriend from Fun and Fancy Free. God, I am so embarrassed to know this.

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Gonzo, riding in a basket of dirty clothes sings "Love in a Laundromat." He then develops a staph infection. It doesn't hinder his relationship with the chicken.I am not sure a chicken can actually consent anyway.

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Meanwhile everyone seems to arrive at the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular at the same time.

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Kermit shoots at Nazis.

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Once reunited they are corralled at the exit by Grodin who calls Mickey Mouse on the phone.
Not only does Mickey not want to press trespassing charges, Mickey wants to see Kermit.
They are in the same union. That means they both take a two hour lunch and read the paper on the job.

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In a history making moment Mickey meets the Muppets.

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Miss Piggy who had been blow up in the stunt show and became remarkably disheveled on the Mad Tea Party makes a wonderful entrance.

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Mickey tells the gang that they get to put their feet in cement at the Chinese Theater. He then doubles for Sonny Crockett in an episode of Miami Vice: The Animated Series.

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They will, but only after a big musical number.

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Kermit puts his hands in cement.

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Gonzo does too. After it dried 27 people twisted an ankle stepping in the imprint. Two of the women had to be "put down."

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And Fozzie.

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Poor Grodin is forced to clean gum out from under the benches.

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Animal and Link seem to be fighting for Snow White's affections. Get me my stick ASAP!

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Back at the swamp, everyone says they had a great time... but where is Miss Piggy?

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It seems she stuck around in the cement too long. I can't say I am going to miss her.

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The camera slowly pulls back with Jim's name appearing on the screen.

The Muppets at Walt Disney World

The other night I re-watched one of my favorite Muppet TV specials: The Muppets at Walt Disney World. The show aired in 1990 just ten days before the death of Muppet creator Jim Henson.

The show runs about 45 minutes without commercials.
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The show starts with Kermit and company walking through the Florida swamps on the way to a surprise destination.
Miss Piggy is annoyed at her surroundings, but Kermit assures her they are heading to "paradise."

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The Paradise Swamp. Ahh, I was a bit worried that "going to paradise" meant that Kermit was going to strap explosives on his body and blow himself up. A paradise of 40 untouched pigs just makes me grossed out.

At the swamp Kermit seems to be the only Muppet who wants to be here. They are told they will get to eat bugs and watch the fireworks from Walt Disney World.

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Immediately everyone splits and heads to Walt Disney World. It's important to note that throughout this special it is implied at all of the WDW parks (Disney MGM Studios, Epcot Center and the Magic Kingdom) are actually one big park.

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This establishing shot of Disney MGM Studios reveals the Chinese Theater without the large sorcerer's hat in front of it.

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Upon arrival Kermit and company are greeted by a security guard played by Charles Grodin (who also appeared in the Great Muppet Caper.) Since they have no tickets and no money he tries to usher them away. However, Animal breaks the turnstile and lets them all in for free. This is a good lesson for children "never show any respect to Charles Grodin."

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Bunsen and Beaker (who has a bucket on his head from an unfortunate incident at the swamp) wander into Disney MGM Studios.

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And within seconds arrive at Epcot Center. Kermit apologizes to Grodin as he and the rest of the Muppets scatter throughout Walt Disney World. Grodin begins to track the Muppets (or as he calls them: the Kizmet gang.) His misunderstanding of the pronuciation of Kermit's name is less funny than Beaker with a bucket on his head.

Of course, few things are MORE funny than Beaker with a bucket on his head.

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Gonzo and Camilla ponder checking out the Wonders of Life pavillion. Being that it is rarely open anymore I was excited about the prospect of seeing some video inside. However, Gonzo is distracted by a better exhibit:

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The "used paper cup exhibit." Soon he and Camilla jump in and start their journey through the uh... underside of WDW.

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Coming face to face with Rizzo, Grodin happily concludes that he has captured a member of the Kizmet gang. Rizzo, not wanting to be prisioner, decides to "rat out" his fellow Muppets. Haaaa haaaa! Haaaa haaa! I am so witty.

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Beauregard escorts Miss Piggy who only wants to see "The Chinese Theater." Bo instead starts dragging her on a series of thrill rides.

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Rowlf the Dog is captured and taken to a kennel.

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As Bo and Miss Piggy take on Big Thunder Mountain.

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Meanwhille, the Swedish Chef has set up shop in World Showcase.

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Fozzie and his mother are hungry, but haven't a cent to their name. So Mrs. Bear starts telling everyone within earshot to throw some money in her hat and Fozzie will tell some jokes.

They don't get any money.

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Statler and Waldorf ride up and down Main Street U.S.A. commenting on how pretty and clean it is. Then upon realization that there is nothing "to complain about" they start to boo and heckle the buildings.

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Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem tour World Showcase where they realize that this provides them the amazing opportunity to do a "world tour" and be done in time for lunch. This is shown in a musical montage to a song called "Rockin' Around the World."

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Statler and Waldorf find an old lady and start to hit on her.

Coming soon.... part two!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Thomas Jefferson: The Sage of Monticello

Thomas Jefferson (13 April 1743 – 4 July 1826) was the third President of the United States (1801–1809), the author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), and the primary character influence for two of the four sweathogs on Welcome Back Kotter.

The two most important events during his presidency are generally considered to be the Louisiana Purchase (1803) and the Lewis and Clark Expedition (1804–1806).


1. The Louisiana Purchase: This is where they bought Louisiana for a handful of beads. They were actually only trying to get Louisiana to lift up it's shirt.

2. The Lewis and Clark Expedition: An expedition featuring the magic of Lewis and Clark and their talented white tigers.


1. Ben Franklin put chocolate on a mint leaf creating the Franklin Mint.

2. John Adams staged a multi-state "Concert for Peace" featuring over 100 flautists.

3. Ben Franklin rolled himself in chocolate and mint leaves and dared Babe Ruth to "eat a Franklin Mint."

After that incident Jefferson replaced Benjamin Franklin as minister to France in 1785. Jefferson had sympathy for the French Revolution which led him into conflict with Alexander Hamilton.

The two organized a 4 hour Dance Dance Revolution contest to determine who's ideas would be supported. Then they waited for Dance Dance Revolution to be invented.

Luckily the French Revolution ended when the French ran out of cheese and wine the next morning.

During Jefferson's second term, he spent much of his time keeping the U.S. out of the Napoleonic wars. Jefferson attempted an embargo upon American shipping. This was unpopular since only 1 out of every 20 people alive knew what the word "embargo" meant.

Many people assumed it meant "wearing your pants really low."

He died on July 4, 1826.


Jefferson was the first President to shake hands instead of bow to people.

His nickname was "Sage of Monticello".

Jefferson kept a mockingbird named Dick in the White House study.


Midway through his first term he watched Austin Powers and quoted the movie for a year afterwards. He wrote in his memoirs that is was "a regrettable time."

Had a brother named George Jefferson.

Jefferson was fond of his brother's wife Wheezie and would visit her when his brother was working at the dry cleaners.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Big Abe

I love the Internet. Isn't it cool? It's full of stupid bizarre things you would never ever get to see if it didn't exist.

Like The Big Abe. I was searching for photos of Jessica Alba (or Bea Arthur... I don't recall) and I found him.

The Big Abe.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. Let's take a look at his website:

At the very top of the page the title is listed as "mascott."

See, The Big Abe is a mascot. He's not a "mascott" but maybe that's an intentional thing, like Krispy Kreme.

Uh oh. The Big Abe - Lincoln High School's New Mascot. "Mascott" was a typo- and THIS IS A HIGH SCHOOL.

So, the first image is a teacher seated on a chair in the Gymnasium.

It all began during our Homecomming 2000 Pep Session, Mrs. Doyel began to tell us of our schools rich history of mascots.

I know I am treading on dangerous territory here (since I once misspelled the word "taco") but this sentence looks like it was written by a... a... stupid person who writes like that guy who Oprah got mad at.

We were told of the St. Bernard that proudly wore the cape of The Alice's, of the 3 foot statue the graced our basketball court.

I am not even sure what they are talking about. I just like the image of a proud St. Bernard in a cape. Most dogs that are forced to wear clothes never look proud. They just look ashamed.

I also like the idea of kids playing basketball and then tripping over a statue that someone erected on a basketball court.

But for a long time, we had no mascot to represent the mighty Alices. In 1984, a new mascot entered, a mascot that would bring energy back to the crowd, Enter The Big A!

The Big A? What the Ida Lupino is going on here?? I was promised THE BIG ABE!

Here we see a picture of The Big A's back. We get a good look Don Mattingly in the passenger seat and that might be Michael Stipe frowning on the front lawn as The Big A tries to get his attention.

The Big A brought a energy back to the fans at Lincoln High School,

Maybe they wrote "a energy" on purpose. After all, he is The Big A! Maybe it's his gimmick, kinda like how the Smurfs always say "Smurf" in place of random nouns.

Or maybe this was hastily written and in the SEVEN YEARS since no one has bothered to proofread it.

It represented the enthusiasm of the school, by its mere presence. With its outrageous dances and energetic rallies. The Big A rode with many a football and basketball team to victory.

He rode with them. Plus he rode with Don Mattingly in the parade. He was in every winner's carpool.

But those days are gone now.

Oh no. Now, I am sad. WHY ARE THOSE DAYS GONE! I am a little afraid to scroll down. What happened to The Big A? I hope it's not polio.

Jeez! This is the saddest picture I saw all day. His little had came off and now he has crutches and one arm in a sling. Worst of all, The Big A now has human hands.

The Big A has grown old, and is feeling its age. The Big A decided that it may be time to find our school a new mascot. The Big A searched far and wide, and turned down hundreds of offers. Finally, one stood out from the rest, a new mascot had been found.

I am in such anticipation I am going to forgo a pretty good comedic paragraph about him searching "far and wide" actually meaning he frisked Jamie Farr and Dom Deluise.

Let's see THE BIG ABE!

What in the hell is that?

I can forgive bad grammar, bizarre sentence structure and forcing dogs to wear capes. Hell, I can forgive the callus treatment of the elderly displayed here.


He looks NOTHING like Abe! He looks like Bill Parcells with green hair. Plus his face looks like it's made out of funnel cake.

Ah well.

Oh wait! There is one more thing:

Wow. I thought I was slow at updating this site. Well, I can't wait to hear the ENTIRE story. Maybe it will be up by the end of the decade.