Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Very Brady Christmas

A yes, what better way to welcome the springtime than with "A Very Brady Christmas?"

This TV reunion special appeared on TV back in either the late 1980s or the early 1990s. I don't remember.

To be honest, I don't remember that much about the show, but I recorded it off ABC Family Channel a few Christmases ago.

Let's look at it together:

Ahhhhh, a grid full of Brady's! That can only mean one thing... the worst edition of "Hollywood Squares" ever broadcast!

Yes, he is out of focus, but that is Mike Brady. Check out his work out wear. Very stylish. They turned the den into a mini-gym. Look at the weight bench... way to pump that iron! That must be two or three pounds on that bar!

Wait a second! What happened to the Brady's house? Why does everything look like it's made out of yogurt?

I am not sure what was happening here. Perhaps it's a good thing that Barry William's name is blocking everything from our view.

I bet you all know that Robert Reed, who played Mike, was gay. Here he looks like he was trying to make sure EVERYONE knew it. Maybe it was just the style of the era.
He looks like he's either gay, a Latin-born ladies man or Lee Van Cleef.

Hey look! Alice is back! I am so happy to see her! I bet she is happy to see all of us.

Uh... maybe not.

Commercial break: Hey look, I recorded this back when Jennifer Aniston was doing that movie where Kevin Costner was sleeping with her, her mom and her grand-mom. Remember that?
No? Well trust me, it was a real movie.

Back to the Brady's we see this wuss. He's married to Marcia.

Here is Greg. Big ole suck up, Greg. First Dad got a perm, then Greg got a perm. Now Greg has a mustache. Gotta be just like daddy, don't ya?

Commercial break: The were really pushing this show "Wildfire." I guess they hoped it would catch on... like wild fire.
Hahahahaha! I am going to go laugh until I lose consciousness. Wildfire, hee hee hee.

Oh good Lord! Mike is on fire! HEEELLLLLPP! Mike is flaming! Oh, it's just a banner ad for "Wildfire."
Excuse me. I have to laugh again. "Flaming!" Haaaa haaaa.

Remember this stupid chump? He was the one that wanted architect Mike Brady to cut corners on a new building. Stupid man. Mike don't play that way.

Peter Brady makes out with his new TV gal pal. Somewhere his future bride, Adrianne Curry, was celebrating her third birthday.

Hey look! It's Bobby Brady! Remember this? He was a racecar driver. "Racecar" spelled backward is "racecar." "Racecar" spelled incorrectly is "Racceacr."
Look! ABC Family is one of his sponsors!

Here is Jan an her wussy husband. I am not sure why he has a fish tank on his lap. I hate him.

Commercial break: I wonder if the JOKE4 text service is still around. I will try and remember this!

Back to the show, we find Alice at the airport in LA. Look, it's the Encounter restaurant! It's one of my favorites. It was designed by some Disney employers who wanted to give it a "Jetsons" feel! Really!
I love it, and I recommend you guys check it out if you ever go to LAX. I wish I had a joke here.
Wait! Let me text JOKE4! Sending... recieving... ok, here it is:
A man walks into a bar. He lights up a cigarette. The bartender says "Hey! You can't smoke in here!" The man says "Can I watch the hit TV show 'Wildfire?'" The bartender then beats the man to death with a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Wow, that was worth seventy five cents! I have to go laugh myself silly again.
Oh dear, I think I'm getting a nose bleed.

Commercial break: The Burger King is playing King Kong in this spot. I could really go for a Kong Sized Double Whopper right now.

Commercial break: The video professor! I love these commercials. This guy keeps referring to the CD as his "product."
"Try my product!" He said it six times in thirty seconds! Hysterical!

Oh boy, while we were having fun watching the commercials that building caved in. Mike warned them, and now he has to save him.
Think of this jackass as B. Brian Blair, the building as The Iron Sheik and Mike Brady as Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
Save him, Hacksaw! Save him!

Suddenly, Mike is trapped! Oh good lord! If only we could find a way to save him!
No one has any ideas except Cindy... uh... or a girl who looks kinda like Cindy. I guess the real Cindy was just too busy... TO SAVE HER TV DAD.
Well, anyway, fake Cindy tells mom to sing. Singing always helps people escape from certain death.
This ain't going to work. Mike is stuck in there, FOREVER!

Oh. Nevermind.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Skeet

I like Skeet Ulrich. I thought he was really good in Scream and uh... uh... well... I just like that he is named Skeet.

Anyway, last night I decided to take a gander at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Filmed in 1991 the film features a 21 year old Skeet in the background as an extra.

Yeah, he was 21 in 1991. That means he was 26 when he played a high school kid in Scream.

Sam Rockwell was also in the film, but he's no extra. He plays the "head thug." He only has a couple of lines, but they are kind of pivotal to the film.

He's not really famous, but I remember his name because of a scenario I witnessed in a movie theater when he was starring in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, a truly awful movie about Gong Show host Chuck Barris.

Some old guy approached the counter, pointed at the board and shouted "Hey! Where in blazes is the movie about the Gong Show?"

The cashier points at the board and says "It's Confessions of a Dangerous Mind."

"What? That says it stars Sam Rockwell! It stars George Clooney and Julia Roberts. They are the rootin' tootin' stars of that there picture show!" Then the old man started to jump up and down like an insolent child.

The irritated clerk told him to "act his age" and the old man immediately turned into a pile of dust.

Anyway, the point is that some old guy didn't want Sam Rockwell to be listed as the star in a movie he was a star in.

Sadly, that was a few years ago and the old guy is probably dead. I shouldn't be making fun of him.

Let's talk about Skeet instead. Skeet is also an extra in Weekend at Bernies. If you ever see the film, look and you can spot him, standing in the background.

I have been an extra in a bunch of films. One of my favorites was a John Leguizamo boxing flick.

I never saw the film, but I bet I didn't get a great on screen shot like Skeet did.

Still, my memories of the filming are vivid as any movie I have seen.

I remember this real nerdy accountant looking guy who was in the front row. Actually, I have an accountant, and he doesn't look anything like this guy. This guy looks more like a dentist.

Anyway, this guy was jumping up and down and waving his hands around to try and make sure you would notice him. Leguizamo complained and they stuck him in the back, next to me.

Yeah, that pretty much assured me that I wouldn't be in the film.

But I digress.

Here is a still of Sam and Skeet in TMNT:

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

George and Barbara's Wedding

All politics aside, I love the presidency. I just love the concept of a president. So, few thing made me smile more than when I stumbled across former President George H. Bush's wedding album at a flea market in Texas.

Let's take a look:

Here is the happy couple in the church. Hey wait a friggin' second! THAT is Barbara Bush? Va va voom! Sheeesh, she was a hottie.
I like Bush's pilot uniform. I know he is a decorated war pilot, but I like that he looks like he is on his was way out to navigate the red eye from Pittsburgh to Kickapoo on Delta.

I also like how no one else is turning around to look at them. They are wearing interesting costumes, TURN AROUND!

Here Barbara dances with Commissioner Gordon from the Batman TV series. Actually, I think it's her dad. Or maybe her butler. I have no idea.

Here the happy couple descends a staircase into what appears to be an enchanted forest.
They seem surprised by something. What, I don't know. Maybe the butler lost his pants.

Here is a full family photo. From left we have Alfred E. Newman, that girl that showed her boobs in Bad Santa, George, Babara, the dean from Animal House, my cousin Beth (if you knew her you would laugh and laugh), Ed Begley Jr., Doc's girlfriend from Back to the Future III and Spencer Breslin.

Hey it's silly hat time! Cool!
Wait a minute, look behind George... is that a goat?

Here is Barbara posing with the Butler and his wife. Check out the butler's wife. She is holding her glove. Maybe after the photo was snapped she turned and slapped Barbara with the glove and said "Keep your mitts off my man! He is just here to buttle."
Actually, now, I think this really might be her mom and dad.
Check out how hot Barbara looks! The dress is starting to slide off and I think she is making an obscene hand gesture.
I am so totally turned on by her I could spit.

This is my favorite! Cake cutting! I love cake... wait a second! Look at that guy in the corner.
EEEEEEEAAAKKKKK! Oh my god, it's some kind of supervillian. Watch out George and Barbara, the Mole Man is coming to get you!

Monday, March 05, 2007

MORE random IMDB goodness...

I love the IMDB, I probably don't go two days without checking it for some reason or other.

Often, I find some strange stuff there and, well, I figure it would be easier to share that with you rather than create some humor on my own.

My laziness knows no bounds.

Here is what I found:


The review reads
"This movie was the most horrible and definetly THE MOST RETARDED movie of all time. I DO NOT LIKE THIS MOVIE AT ALL, it sucks so bad, i swear to god, that every one of my buddies that saw it, with my acknowledgement of watching the movie, they all said it sucked. My friend Fred even cried because it sucked so bad, and he is tough, shot 26 times in the gulf war."

I am not going to even bother to tell you the title of the film. I would be very distraught if you watched it. I am sure you guys are all tough... but not as tough as Fred. Fred was shot 26 times.
But the suckiness of this movie made him weep. He probably wet himself too, but that's understandable. If you were shot 26 times, you'd have to assume that at least one of those shots would have to be in the "pee retention" area.



I hardly remember the 2001 Tim Allen flick, but I am pretty sure Tim Allen was fighting some bad guy in the film. This post, started by ElChompiras, wonders what would happen if the bad guy punched Natalie.
"I always wonder that" he writes. Sadly the next post was deleted. That might have explained exactly what would have happened. Dammit! We may never know.
bbear1994 mentions that the idea of the bad guy punching Tim Allen's daughter in a film "turns him on."
Welcome to the Internet.


Thursday, March 01, 2007

The Naked Hulk

Recently I decided to revisit the 2003 movie, Hulk.

I know there are a bunch of people that didn't like it, but I did. I enjoyed every butt-kicking moment of it.

The DVD is even better because of one thing:


Naked Hulk is all over the DVD. You see, when they make the computer generated Hulk for the movie they design him in the nude.

Then they add the clothes.

So each and every scene of the film that Hulk appears in has a naked counterpart.

Oh how I wish they had a nude Jennifer Connolly version.

Don't get too concerned. Naked Hulk isn't exactly anatomically correct. He has a "Ken doll bulge."


Front and back view of Naked Hulk:

This is just a basic look at the big naked green guy. Nothing special is happening, but you get a feel for who this Naked Hulk is.
Everything is exposed... yet there is mystery surrounding him.

Naked Hulk vs. a tank:

Now we get to the good stuff. Naked Hulk beats up a tank. He flips it over and makes is cry for it's tank mommy. "Oh mommy help me! A big green naked guy is beating me up. I think it might be Shrek."

Naked Hulk vs Naked Hulk:

I never thought it would come to this. A fight between two Naked Hulks. It's powerful, exciting and poignant. It's like in that movie Gettysburg when two brothers fighting on opposite sides of the Civil War came face to face. Only they weren't naked.
I don't know who will win, but I have my money on Naked Hulk.

Bald Naked Hulk with outstretched arms:

What happened to his hair!?!?! Maybe he decided to go with the whole Stone Cold Steve Austin/Britney Spears look. I dig it. I think his wingspan is impressive, too.

Naked Hulk picking up a giant globe thingie:

The way that the curvature of the globe matches the curvature of his rear end is reminiscent of the work of the artist Tidwell and his painting of the two dogs co-mingling. It's visually stunning and makes a powerful statement about man's fight against his planet.
Plus it has a whole lot of butt.

A bright red Naked Hulk:

I don't get this one.

A statue of Naked Hulk:

Wouldn't you like to have this on your mantle? Or in your front yard? How about in the bathroom? Or in the bathtub? Maybe it could be on the front porch, or the front stoop or the patio.
The possibilities are endless. Of course I am referring to the possible names for the steps in front of your house. You could call it a veranda or a vestibule or just call it Frank.
Endless possibilities.

Naked Hulk stretches out his shoulder:

Sure a mere mortal can pull a muscle when he does heavy lifting without stretching, but imagine what the NAKED HULK could pull.
I would rather not think about it.
I am glad he is stretching.

Naked Hulk racing some dude on a treadmill:

Sure Hulk isn't the brightest of superheroes, but Naked Hulk is BRILLIANT. Here he is racing some guy who is on a treadmill! Ha! Run as fast as you can stationary boy... you will never beat the Naked Hulk.

Odd size comparison between Naked Hulk, Mini Hulk and Regular Hulk:

As you can see Naked Hulk stands taller than Mini Hulk, but is a bit smaller than his purple pants-ed counterpart.

Wait... what?