Wednesday, October 18, 2006

EVEN More from the Closet

Sadly not everything in life gets finished. We all have tons of evidence of this in our homes. A half built patio. A box of lasagne mix you never made. A Charles Schultz cartoon that you abandoned at the third panel (don't worry she probably just pulled away the football and someone said 'good greif.')

So what do we do? We stick it in the closet promising to one day "finish" it.

Well, has a closet and our closet is full. Full of opening paragraphs, odd facts and photos.

I'll never get around to any of it. Today, feast your eyes on some photos from the closet:

Dolly Madison:
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Grace Coolidge:
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Friday, October 13, 2006

I Pity The Fool: Episode 1-Mo-T-vation

Man oh man did I love this show. You know how sometimes you psych yourself up for something to the degree that you couldn't dislike it under any circumstances?

That's how I felt about this show.

I first heard about this show waaaay back in the summer of 2005. I couldn't wait for it to come together. Since then I have worked as hard as I could to find out more about it.

I even "auditioned" for the show three times.

The first time I told them about a workplace problem at one of my actual jobs. They had me make an audition tape and talk to all of us daily for about 2 weeks before the calls just stopped.

Nothing. Not a thank you. Not even a no thank you.

The second audition was with an theater troupe I work with. That time I told them how we had lost our director and needed Mr. T to come and direct our show.

They passed, but only after finding out about my habit of obsessive collecting. They were amazed at the amount of movies, board games and Mr. T memorabilia that I had.

They came to my home, video taped me and got testimonials from my family about my "problem."

They were excited, I was excited.

They even told me that Mr. T himself was excited about the idea and that he had "less Mr. T items than I had."

That seemed to be a ludicrous statement. Isn't EVERYTHING Mr. T owns a "Mr. T item?"

Well, after a lot of calls they finally decided that I wasn't right for the show. I was a bit too ordinary.

Then, a few months ago I found out that they would be shooting an episode about 90 minutes from my house and I went there to watch.

It was great fun and I even got to meet Mr. T.

Then TV Land ran a 48 hour A-Team marathon (dubbed the Mr. TV Land weekend) and I missed a whole lot of sleep.

I could not have been more psyched for this show.

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Episode one started with an AWESOME opening credit sequence where Mr. T actually broke "jibba jabba" over his knee:

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In this episode Mr. T was summoned to a car dealership that had problems with motivation. They wrote Mr. T a letter and he jogged over to the car dealership to help.

I did the same thing when I was kid! I sent a letter to Mr. T, The Incredible Hulk and Popeye. Sadly, none of them responded and I was stuck with loading the dishwasher every night.

Mom got off easy that time.

Mr. T tells us the problems that the employees of this Nissan dealership have.

Problem #1 is between the owner and his son-in-law.
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See the owner has had dinner with every President since Jimmy Carter, and he looks like Ernest Borgnine:
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His son-in-law has never even had cake with a congressman. Plus he looked just like Scott Peterson:

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Mr. T starts a duologue between the two of them and Scott Peterson cries like a girl.

Soon Mr. T is off to sell a car. He tries his hand at cold calling first, he isn't good at it.

Next thing you know, the dealership has sold a bunch of cars and everyone is happy.

That was it. The show is only 30 minutes and it flies by at an amazing rate.

I loved it.

It was quirky and funny.

I can't wait until episode 2.

Monday, October 09, 2006

My Big Ole Happy Mashed Potato Bar Party

There is a hip trendy new party that is sweeping the nation. Its the "Mashed Potato Bar Party."

In this party people enjoy mashed potatoes in martini glasses and we nominate a presidential candidate who will not win and instead just siphon votes from the established candidate whose beliefs are closest to ours.

The whole idea of eating mashed potatoes out of a martini glass seems like something that Weird Al would have done on his old Saturday morning show, but its better than it sounds.

I recently threw a Mashed Potato Bar Party, and no, you weren't invited.

Sorry, I just didn't have enough potatoes.

Nor did I have martini glasses.

I did have margarita glasses. See, when it comes to alcohol I am not the sophisticated erudite martini type. I am more of the Hawaiian shirt and shorts margarita type.

Ah, who am I kidding. I am the 40 of Colt 45 in a dark room writing a list of those who "wronged" me type.

Anyway, here is what you need to throw your own party:

#1 A bunch of mashed potatoes. I used a box of the "mix flakes with water variety." You might want to go with real mashed potatoes made from scratch. You also might want to use martini glasses. You also might be a stuck up jerk.

Don't be surprised if you make "the list" next time I break out the Colt 45.

#2 Spoons

#3 Sour cream (I left it in the sun for a few hours to make it extra sour.)

#4 Ranch dressing. I mean salad dressing, not cowboy hats. Actually, I would suggest cowboy hats. Maybe next time.

#5 Salsa. I mean the condiment, not the dance. Shoot, the dance would be good too. I better throw a whole new party.

#6 Cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. I had grated cheese, shredded cheese, cheese wiz and "I Can't Believe it's Not Cheese."

#7 Broccoli. Because you always need something that sucks so you remember what things are cool.

#8 Chives. Because it's fun to say chives.

#9 People.

For starters, I invited myself. I was the genial host for my party.

Like any good host, I remembered which piece of broccoli I dropped on the floor and which products were waaaaay past the expiration date and I made sure not to tell anyone else.

You also need guests (were dropping the whole # thing.) I took a few photos of them, but I never got their permission to put them on the site so I have obscured their identities.

Here is the first dude. Let's call him 'Craig.'

'Craig' heard the words "mashed potatoes" and 'bar,' but didn't know I was combining the two. He punched me for taking this photo.

'Craig' liked the cheese wiz and the salsa. He also took a bunch of my CDs and broke some shelves in my bathroom medicine cabinet. I am glad he came by.

The next guest was much more excited to attend. We can call him 'Craig' as well.

'Craig' was also having a good time, but he got into a heated argument with me about whether "chives" and "green onions" were the same thing.

I don't remember what my opinion was except that I am sure it was the right one. I do regret the whole "eye full of salsa" incident.

Sorry 'Craig.'

I have a photo of one more guest:

We can't call him 'Craig' because that was his real name. Lets call him 'Beatrice.'

'Beatrice' didn't take my side in the whole chives/green onions debate. He also suggested that we "play karaoke" but somehow insisted on having absolute silence and a hammer in order to "play karaoke."

I don't think he knew what karaoke meant.

In the end, the Mashed Potato Bar Party was the most fun I have ever had involving potatoes.

Except for that time I took a Mrs. Potato Head and had her make out with my Luke Skywalker figure.