Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Phanatic's Dye Job

We talked before about the Phillie Phanatic. He's a lovable green monster who cheers on the Phillies every year as they let down the city of Philadelphia.

As part of a recent promotion the Phanatic has changed his colors. He's now a lovable RED monster.

The pigment switch started at the Philadelphia Zoo. The team introduced a new promotion "paint the town red" where many parts of Philadelphia are being covered in a coat of red paint to help cheer on the Phillies. To take part in the event the Phanatic decided to take a dip into a giant bucket of paint.

The children watching were constantly warned "don't try this at home." I assume this was a necessary warning because children might be tempted to paint themselves after seeing the Phanatic do the same.

I would have shown them the cautionary film Soul Man. Sure, by painting himself C. Thomas Howell learned some valuable life lessons and grew as a person. But does anyone really want to be like C. Thomas Howell?

I guess the Phanatic did. He took off his shirt (oddly, pretended to feel naked without a shirt despite NEVER wearing pants) and put on a pair of goggles. Then, a crane hoisted him up and dunked him into a can of "Phanatic Safe" M.A.B. paint.

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He came out bright red... except, oddly enough his socks which were still white as Micheal Jackson.

You can watch a full video of the event here.

A new Phanatic costume reportedly costs about $5,000 and as such the team wanted to get their money's worth. Thus, the Phanatic was EVERYWHERE for the next few days.
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He took part in a blood drive (click here for more info and photos of the Phanatic with a needle in his arm,) clowned around with local news anchors (click here for video and info from 6ABC) and was mistaken for "Elmo" seven times.

Like all bad dye jobs, this too will go away soon as the Phanatic is expected to return to his natural green by opening day. However, I wouldn't be too surprised if "Red Phanatic" makes the occasional appearance in Philadelphia.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

President Lyndon B. Johnson's introduction to his "Annual Message to the Congress on the State of the Union"

Here President Lyndon B. Johnson's introduction to his "Annual Message to the Congress on the State of the Union" on January 4, 1965:

On this Hill which was my home, I am stirred by old friendships.

Though total agreement between the Executive and the Congress is impossible, total respect is important.

I am proud to be among my colleagues of the Congress whose legacy to their trust is their loyalty to their Nation.

I am not unaware of the inner emotions of the new Members of this body tonight.

Twenty-eight years ago, I felt as you do now. You will soon learn that you are among men whose first love is their country, men who try each day to do as best they can what they believe is right.

We are entering the third century of the pursuit of American union.

Two hundred years ago, in 1765, nine assembled colonies first joined together to demand freedom from arbitrary power.

For the first century we struggled to hold together the first continental union of democracy in the history of man. One hundred years ago, in 1865, following a terrible test of blood and fire, the compact of union was finally sealed.

For a second century we labored to establish a unity of purpose and interest among the many groups which make up the American community.

That struggle has often brought pain and violence. It is not yet over. But we have achieved a unity of interest among our people that is unmatched in the history of freedom.

And so tonight, now, in 1965, we begin a new quest for union. We seek the unity of man with the world that he has built--with the knowledge that can save or destroy him--with the cities which can stimulate or stifle him--with the wealth and the machines which can enrich or menace his spirit.

We seek to establish a harmony between man and society which will allow each of us to enlarge the meaning of his life and all of us to elevate the quality of our civilization.

This is the search that we begin tonight.

Sweetie feels LINKY

Here are some random LINKS I cut and pasted from the archives:

Yo Butkus!

James K. Polk: The Last of the Jacksonians

Snow's Informer

"Pistol" Pez Whatley

More Jeffrey Tambor Jokes

Kilroy was here

Dragon's Lair

Jack and Walter

Dan and Dave

A Photo of Tubbs from "Miami Vice"

Isn't he dreamy?
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CRAIG presents: The bunchojunk Cake Recipe


1 c. Crisco
1 3/4 c. sugar
5 eggs
2 c. flour
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
5 tsp. orange juice
2 tsp. vanilla
1 tube icing

1. Blend Crisco and sugar
2. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition
3. Sift together flour, baking powder and salt 3 times
4. Add juice and vanilla
5. Bake in 350 degree oven for 1 hour
6. Write "bunchojunk" with the icing.

CRAIG writes his own blog "Always the Last in Line."


This is one of the best coloring book pages I have ever found. Why? Simple: I love George Washington Carver, I love elephants and I love peanuts.

George Washington Carver: Not only did he have the same name as a president but he made OVER 300 PRODUCTS out of peanuts.


Name as many peanut related products you can think of. I have:
1. peanut butter
2. peanut brittle
3. that comic strip with Snoopy
Thats all I can think of.

But somehow, George Washington Carver made a OVER 300 products out of peanuts. I bet he made a hat out of peanuts, a step-ladder out of peanut shells and remote control peanut robot.

Elephants: I once saw elephant step on a pumpkin. It sounded like a shotgun.

Peanuts: I know some people are allergic, but I still believe that every food in the WORLD should contain trace amounts of peanuts.
In fact, I think that should be how society is divided up. The HAVE peanuts and the HAVE NO peanuts.
I would even be willing to build a special "peanut dome" just to keep the HAVE NO peanut people away from our perfect peanut eating society.

Anyway, about this coloring book page, I have stared at the elephants head for about 20 minutes and I am starting to think it is one of those illusions where some people see one thing and some see other things. When I look at it I see Don Rickles eating a pickle.
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Monday, March 27, 2006

Arnold Schwarzenegger for Arinamin 7

I have always has a secret longing to live in Japan. As a kid I loved martial arts films and pictured Japan as being a place where ninjas roamed the sidewalks and every discussion ended with a kung fu face-off.

Sure, Lil Sweetie wouldn't have stood a chance in his imagined world of revenge, but it was a dream.

Today, I long for the world of Japan just because it might just be the most bizarre place on the planet.

Take their commercials for example. They often star American superstars who do the commercials assuming that Americans wont see them and the paycheck will cash just the same.

About 10 years ago Arnold Schwatzenegger did a series of spots for an energy drink called Arinamin 7. Arinamin 7 was a drink for Japanese "salarymen" who need a pick-me-up to make it through the day.

Among it's ingredients is nicotine.


In one of the spots Arnold and a date walk through what I think is the set of the Teletubbies. He and his date look happy until a pair of thugs approach.

Then Arnold runs away leaving his date with the two thugs.

I could not be more disappointed.

The next shot shows Arnold by the men's room. Huh? Did he really have to go? Oh wait... he holds up the energy drink and is transformed just like Popeye.

If Popeye was wearing Tito Santana's El Matador getup.

Take a look:

Oh, man! I have spun a few thugs in my time, but never two at once. Kudos to Schwarzenegger for that.

Another spot features a pretty gal popping out of a bottle of Arinamin 7. She sing and dances and then a CGI Arnold pops out of her head shakes Jay Leno's chin at her. Then he finishes morphing and starts laughing like a constipated Eddie Murphy.

Afterward they have a long conversation while wearing giant bottle caps for hats. I don't what they are saying but I hope they are pleading with Franco-American to make Spaghettio's with Sausage.

Another commercial featured a woman opening Arinamin 7 to find Arnold trapped INSIDE the bottle. He rides an old fashioned bike (the kind with the giant front wheel) and flashes the peace sign and sporting a Vanilla Ice hairdo.

Then a golfer opens his bottle to find Arnold floating inside on an inner tube laughing like the studio audience at "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Another spot featured Arnold entertaining some guests at a party. All is going well, until something goes wrong. I am not sure just what. Maybe it's the whole Spaghettio's conversation again.

I know some folks that are still ticked off that they made "Life With Louie" shaped noodles 10 years ago. It CAN be an explosive topic.

Flustered, Arnold runs off and raises the bottle above his head and says "By the power of Greyskull."

I am assuming that last part. Either way, he transforms and the guest is covered by popcorn.

Looking back, maybe Lil Sweetie would have fit PERFECTLY in Japan.

Friday, March 24, 2006 reviews "The Comrades of Summer"

Here is a little known baseball flick from 1992. It was called The Comrades of Summer and it tells the story of an American who goes to Russia to coach some Olympic hopefuls.

The film is not available on DVD, but you can get a VHS copy for less than the cost of a newspaper. (By the way, I mean less than a regular newspaper. It should be way less than a Sunday paper. Is should, however, cost a bit more than one of those free newspapers that they give out in the grocery store.)

If you do want to get a copy the best place to look is

Amazon is also full of info about the film.

Let's take a look:
Plot Synopsis: To teach a team of Russian wanna-be baseball players the finer points of the all-American game is no easy task, but for a grudgingly resentful, recently fired baseball manager from the States, the task is formidable. In fact, there are many times when he considers chucking the whole thing and going back home and forgetting baseball entirely. But he perseveres... to the point where he finally believes that his players may be good enough to represent the Soviet Union in the upcoming Olympics in America. However, performing in this Country under such pressures not only shows these Russian players something about themselves, it also makes their American manager aware of something rather special about himself, as well.

The times where he considered "chucking the whole thing and going back home and forgetting baseball entirely" were sad. But when he persevered "to the point where he finally believes that his players may be good enough to represent the Soviet Union in the upcoming Olympics in America" the movie was lot of fun.

When playing in America showed the Russian players "something about themselves" and when that something made the American manager "aware of something rather special about himself, as well" I cried like a baby... or at least like those two backyard wrestlers who jumped off the room through a folding table.

Stupid backyard wrestlers.

Anyway, lets take a look at what the Amazon USERS had to say about Comrades of Summer.

"Vlad" from Las Vegas writes:
Come on guys ! This one was very funny ! Joe Mantegna teaching baseball to Russians ?! In Russia !? I am already louphing !
And some of the russians get offended ??? It is a comedy , with using GROTESQUE at it's best ! The " russian party " , after winning a game against cubans ( the fact itself - russians beat cubans in baseball , already hilarious ), when they drink vodka out of the bottles , than everybody sleeping and snoring ! Isn't it already a clue for you - it is A comedy . And it is a good one .

Teaching to Russians?! In Russia?! No WONDER his is louphing. I would have loughed too, but there were chicks in the room and I hate to louph in mixed company.

Hey, wanna hear a joke? Russians beat Cubans in baseball.

Hysterical, huh? I can use GROTESQUE at it's best.

The next reviewer is "taxdude" from Washington D.C (note to self, have John Kerry joke ready - just in case.)
a fun movie. my biggest problem was with joe mantegna...i just couldn't picture him as a baseball player. i'm a huge baseball fan, and think you would like this film more if you are not really into baseball, but just have a general knowledg of the game. it certainly wasn't a "good" movie but it has funny scenes, and is playful. certainly not in the league of other baseball movies, though.

I liked it, maybe I need more knowledg. Maybe I just like "playful" movies. And kittens. I like playful kittens.

Next up is "A Viewer" who writes:
This is not the greatest movie of all time, but whenever it replays on HBO, I can't NOT watch. Joe Mantegna is great in this, and it has a wonderful, sappy appeal. Why are movies about baseball so good, and the sport itself so booooring?

The sport is boring because Russians never beat Cubans. If they did it would keep all the fans louphing.

The final review is from "A Viewer" I assume it's a different viewer because this guy just likes movies where people jump over things. Take a look:
This is the best movie of all time. Watch for the guy who jumps about 30 feet after hitting a home run with his mom watching. And when Boris cleares a 20 foot fense to catch a foul ball and falls 30 feet to the concrete and still holds on to the ball. This is the most realistic movie ever!!!

I have a feeling this review was written by Super Mario. If only he mentioned that he likes "jumping over barrels" I would be sure.

Unfortunately, that is not the only thing that confuses me. I also have been told by A Viewer that this is "not the greatest movie of all time" but then A Viewer also told me "This is the best movie of all time."

I think my head might explode, my brain is so conflicted. I better make sure not to louph. That could kill me. Uh oh. I just thought of Cubans beating Russians.



Friday, March 17, 2006 enters THE TERRIBLE TWOS

Welcome to the two year anniversary of "junk" on the web. Yup, we hit our terrible twos. (Actually, we don't hit it for a few more weeks, but I hate waiting.)
To celebrate we have some special features all week (kinda like last year.) so check back daily for new stuff. Plus I am making a cake. You can't have any, though. You're probably better off.

Number of words: 189,357
Number of articles: 216
Times the word “the” appeared: 17,788
Times the word “Hollywood” appeared: 211
Number of poems about Kelly Ripa: 1
Number of times I mentioned that "Full House" & "Dukes of Hazard" have an "Uncle Jesse": 2
Number of articles about Tom Bosley films: 2
Times the concept of "glow in the dark bacon" was mentioned: 1
Number of unnecessary links to other posts: 101

Make sure to check back tommorow. I will be posting comments all week.

Thanks again for stopping by for the past year!

Be sure to sign the guest book (post a comment.)

Why I Hate Sweetie

By guest columnist: I Hate Sweetie

Why do I hate Sweetie? I have asked myself that question before. I bet some of you assume that it was my birthright to pile hatred upon him. After all, many of you may be under the belief that my parents gave me the name "I Hate Sweetie." You may think that my birth certificate says "I Hate Sweetie" on it. It doesn't.

But maybe it should.

I took the internet nom de plum "I Hate Sweetie" almost 2 years ago. Sweetie (who at the time was not called "Sweetie" by anyone.

We just called him "Guy."

To know Guy Hutchinson you must first know Guy Fawkes.

Guy Fawkes lived in the 1500s. He was a member of a group of Roman Catholic conspirators who attempted the Gunpowder Plot in 1605.

They did this to assassinate King James I of England and the members of both houses of the Parliament of England. Fawkes was the mastermind behind this plot.

Guy Fawkes' name is also the origin of the word "guy" in the English language. The Oxford English Dictionary took the name "guy" and made it a term for "a person of grotesque appearance." Over time, the word evolved to become a general reference for a man.


Sure, I know, Sweetie is not grotesque... on the outside.

Those of you who know him only on the internet do not know what a vile and evil "guy" he is. Sure, you see pictures of him posing with Mickey Mouse or a group of cheerleaders and think "oh, hes seems so nice."

He's not. He hates children and dogs. Really. I asked him.

He also is not all smiles. When he gets mad he is downright frightening. He's a rather large imposing person, the type of guy you can picture flipping over someone's car.

I once saw him smack around a group of teenagers for standing too close to his table at a Taco Bell.

You may also be fooled by Sweetie with his blonde hair, spinning yarns about Hollywood and posing for pictures with celebrities for his happy little website.

What you don't see is the dark side of his obsession with fame.

When Lillian Gish died I mentioned it to him. He seemed really sad. I asked if he was a big fan of her films. He said no, but he had a "lifelong dream to go to bed with one of the Gish sisters."

I reminded him that the Gish sisters has starred in films in the early 1900s. I told him that Lillian was 100 years old.

"Even better." He said.

Grotesque? I think I have made my point.

Congratulations on two years of polluting the internet with your demented mind, buddy.



MC Hammer is 2 Legit 2 Quit

MC Hammer's 2 Legit 2 Quit

I should have done a song review last year. There are so many great songs with the number "one" in them.

"One is the Loneliest Number" would have been fantastic to analyze.

Instead, for the two year anniversary I looked for songs with "2" in the title. The best I found was MC Hammer.

I don't even understand what the title means. If "legit" is short for "legitimate" than what was he so legitimate at that he couldn't quit? Maybe we'll find out. But, I doubt it.

MC Hammer: 2 Legit 2 Quit

Too legit... Too legit to quit (three times)
Sweat running all over my chest (chest) i don't quit no!

Ick. Thanks for that visual image. A sweaty chested man with giant pants. Perhaps he is too legitimately gross to quick making me ill.

I just press harder (Yea!) than i ever did before going for
The dreams that i have in store in my mind (mind) and i know
That I'm makin it i gotta get mine and nobody's takin it away

What? He thinks that we are trying to take something from him and that the only way for him to keep "it" is to work so hard his chest starts to sweat?

(No!) cause hammer don't play that you try to get mine
boy you better step back freeze (freeze) cause
You don't want none i hustle for my muscle and you look
Weak son (real weak) yea!... I'm goin for all that i can get

Hammer ain't weak. His anti-perspirant is, but not Hammer.

Kickin at the top cause I'm too legit to quit...sing!...

Too legit... Too legit to quit (hey...hey...) Too legit...too
legit... Too legit to quit...(hey...) Too legit... Too legit to quit
(too legit...) too legit... too legit to quit...

when i feel high post don't you play me close a dig 'em smack

Hey! He quoted a cereal mascot! Wow! I hope he speaks of the Soggies attempts to annex Cap'n Crunch's prized vessel.

a get you back and I'll hit with a dose of Oaktown power
and charge you by the hour I'm shakin like a quake and funks
get devoured i choose to abuse, misuse and confuse
competitors who think they're makin up all the rules, fools
in the game lame and insane it's a shame i gotta do this but
i remain the same unchanged gettin better never known

Read any part of the lyrics to this song, then listen to a hobo swearing on a street corner. I defy you to tell me the difference!

as a sweater kickin it at the top cause i got myself together
so roll with a guy who's physical and fit knows the time
and too legit to quit...sang!

A sweater kicked him? Maybe I read that wrong. Still, perhaps the sweater is to blame for the perspiration on his chest.

Repeat chorus x2

step to the rhythm of a sho-nuff winner (winner) i been
here before (yo!) i ain't no beginner (word) but i been new
tried and true survival of the fittest yo! brought me through
my crew (talk) we're ready to strike trained for the mission
so believe the hype and sweat it (sweat it) cause you're gonna

Sweat it? I know it seems like I am OBSESSED with his sweat, but remember HE brought it up! The man was sweating to hip hop and wanted you to do the same.

MC Hammer is the Richard Simmons of Rap.

regret it the day that you dissed us you'll wish you never met us
you remind me of a real short story one hit record and you
star to bore me get ready cause this is it your crew is
through and we too legit to quit...sang!...


Too legit... Too legit to quit...Too legit... Too legit to quit
Too legit... Too legit to quit...Too legit... Too legit to quit
get buck...get buck...get buck...get buck...get buck...(many times)

my people we don't know defeat we crush the strong and
percolate the weak daily (everyday) we make our moves to

Percolate the weak? Percolate means "To cause liquid to pass through a porous substance or small holes."

I bet he's saying he makes the weak sweat. Sweat to the oldies.

improve our groove because we love to rule where we
lay yo!..(Yo!) work and play we started at the bottom and
now we're leading the way and yea!..(yea!) I'm havin a fit kickin it
at the top because I'm too legit to quit...sang!...


hey...hey...hey...hey... too legit to quit.. too legit to quit..
we're rolling on...we're rolling on...we're rolling on...we're rolling on...
he's on top...he's on top...he's on top...he's on top...
goin to burn it up...goin to burn it up...goin to burn it up...
goin to burn it up...
too legit to quit...too legit to quit
we're rollin on..hey..hey..hey...too legit.

chorus to fade

So, in conclusion: MC Hammer was so legitimate that he couldn't quit. He's still being legitimate somewhere.

We just stopped paying attention to him.

The Cotton Anniversary on eBay

Last year I did an article that opened with the following paragraphs:
Everyone knows that the 25th anniversary is the "silver" anniversary. This means you should give a gift made of silver if you are celebrating someone's anniversary on that day.
Interestingly enough there are materials associated with every anniversary from 1-100.
100 seems like a bit much. If you were married at 20, you would have to live to 120 to get that gift. That has to be the rarest of them all. Perhaps that’s the "lock of Bigfoot's hair" anniversary.
Anyway, the first anniversary is called the "paper anniversary." Since is one year old this month I decided to do some shopping on eBay.

I ended the article with this thought:
Well, those are some of the gifts I could have gotten for this milestone. I honestly don't want any of them. I would prefer to get gifts for the SECOND ANNIVERSARY. I don't know what material is associated with that, but I hope its ham.

Sadly, I found out that it is not ham. But the second anniversary is still pretty fun. It's the COTTON anniversary.

Here is what you can but on eBay with the keyword "cotton":

A racist, cotton apron:
That's not the actual title, but what else could ya call it? For just $2.99 you can cook your chicken pot pie's while wearing a smock emblazoned with a cartoon of a "headhunter" cooking and "explorer."
The headhunter likes his explorer "well done" but the explorer wants to be "rare."
If only it was 1920, we'd all be laughing. Plus, a penny would buy us all the candy in town.
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Offend your guests with you apron, but not with your food.

Cotton dust mop head:
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Sure, there's nothing funny about a dust mop head. It's pretty damned dull. But, it's not racist. I commend you, dust mop head, for your progressive attitude.

Formal white cotton gloves:
Oh, these are awesome! Check 'em out!
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These would be so cool to wear. Whenever someone speaks to you in a sassy tone you could take them off and smack the offender with them.
Or you could wear one and say "look I'm Micheal Jackson." Then you could remind them that Micheal Jackson wore one glove many years ago. They might laugh.
If they don't you can smack 'em!

A cotton ham sack:
No kidding! It's a sack especially designed for HAM!
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Wow! I think I found the perfect anniversary gift!

Does eBay do gift registry?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

A Google image search for "two"

Have you ever done a search for images on Google? It's fun! You just type a keyword and hundreds of photos come up that have some remote connection with that word.

In honor of TWO years of this stupid little site, I typed the word "two" into Google.

These are some of the photos I found:

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Some great stuff here. First we have an aerial photo of the town of Gossi. The text says it is "halfway between the two..." if only we knew how THAT thought ended.

I am going to imagine that Gossi is "halfway between the two jackasses that invented Ticketmaster."

Note that the Gossi photo is provided by a website called I assume they are trying to save them from paying absurd 'convenience charges' on 'will call' tickets.

To the right of that is the two tier cat basket. Sadly we don't have two cats. We do have two dogs, however. They could use the basket, but I bet they would both fight over the top bunk.

Then we have a child's drawing brought to us by some school. It's not a very good school I assume. See the cartoon reads "two heads are better than one" and shows some hideous abomination with two craniums. The caption, however, reads "two left feet." Stupid schools.

The next two photos are both fascinating. Sure the two raccoons on the left are a barrel of fun by themselves, but put them next to a DVD of what looks like the worst action film DVD ever produced and you have image search MAGIC!

Here are some more results:
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First we have a photo of a Pakistani city RAVAGED by protesters. The image of Col. Sanders reminds me of the posters of Chairman Mao.

Viva la extra crispy!

Holy Ida Lupino! The next photo is of a cat with TWO tongues! It seems that his name is "Five Toes." That's actually a good idea, people will be looking for his extra toe and then BIGGETY BAM! He reveals a SECOND TONGUE! That'll freak ya out!

Hubba hubba! Look at the next photo! Sasha Cohen may have fell "two" time and only earned silver, but she gets the gold with me. I think I will have to watch more figure skating.

The football player flexing his steroid... er... muscle is a gift for the female readers. Both of them.

The last row is a tough one. Type two diabetes makes me sad. Two moose always make me smile.

Well, gotta run and see if figure skating is on TV. enters THE TERRIBLE TWOS

Welcome to the two year anniversary of "junk" on the web. Yup, we hit our terrible twos.
To celebrate we have some special features all week (kinda like last year.,) so check back daily for new stuff. Plus I am making a cake. You can't have any, though. You're probably better off.

Number of words: 189,357
Number of articles: 216
Times the word “the” appeared: 17,788
Times the word “Hollywood” appeared: 211
Number of poems about Kelly Ripa: 1
Number of times I mentioned that "Full House" & "Dukes of Hazard" have an "Uncle Jesse": 2
Number of articles about Tom Bosley films: 2
Times the concept of "glow in the dark bacon" was mentioned: 1
Number of unnecessary links to other posts: 101

Make sure to check back tommorow. I will be posting comments all week, and adding a few other features as well.

Thanks again for stopping by for the past year!

Be sure to sign the guest book (post a comment.)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Jolly Green Rug

Most people have a rug in their home. I bet you do. But do you have a rug that is actually the footprint of a giant who suffers from an absurd amount of chlorophyll?

Probably not.

Don't feel bad, neither do I. But I feel pretty bad about it, so maybe you should, too.

Look at it:
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It would be INSANELY cool to own even if it was just a REGULAR furry, green, foot shaped rug.

But this is a furry, green, JOLLY GREEN GIANT's foot shaped rug.

Think how jealous the neighbors would be! Plus, when the sad day comes that the family pooch dies, stick him under the rug and tell people: "Fido was squashed by the Jolly Green Giant."

It would be a great story.

This rug was a mail in premium from 1967.
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It only cost a few bucks and a couple of labels from Jolly Green Giant food cans.

Such bliss for such a great price.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Shaggy Dog: LIVE

I bet there were a whole bunch of people that had a chance to go to Woodstock, but didn't go.

BUDDY: Hey, wanna go see Woodstock?
SHEMP: Woodstock? The yellow bird from Snoopy?
SHEMP: Then I'm not interested.

That guy probably spends every day thinking about how he missed it.

He had a chance to go to one of the most talked about shows of all time and he missed it.

I may have done the same thing this weekend.

I went to see The Shaggy Dog, Tim Allen's latest attempt to say "HEY! I used to be a drug dealer, but now I am a role model to your kids."

Robert Downey Jr. is along for the ride in this flick, but your kids won't look up to him.

He's really short.

By the way, here is a picture of Tim Allen's mug shot from his cocaine arrest in 1978:
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He spent the next 30 months in jail.

Tim has also been arrested for drunk driving in 1997. He didn't have a silly mustache in 1997, so I am not interested in seeing any photos from that arrest.

Anyway, I saw the film.

But, I saw it at a multiplex.

I did not see it at Disney's El Capitain Theater on Hollywood Boulevard.

I love the El Capitain (I know, saying "The El Capitain" is like saying "the the captain" or "el the captain.")

The theater is ALWAYS a great place to see ANY film, but their showing of The Shaggy Dog might just be the greatest single theater experience of all time.

Take a look at the advertisement:

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See! "Shaggy" go onstage and does tricks before the show! Isn't that awesome??!??!?

He carries flowers, catches a Frisbee, dances and appears to give a "black power" salute by raising his paw in the air.

Isn't that cute?

I look around at the multiplex and saw NOTHING like this. There was a fat guy there who MIGHT have been wearing Tim Allen's old mustache.

He did let me call it "Shaggy" when I asked him. But he got really mad at me when I threw a Frisbee at his nose.

Monday, March 13, 2006

I know that people found many ways to waste time BEFORE the Internet, but I bet it wasn't as much fun.

I recently stumbled across "" and I learned so much about myself.

The site allows you to put in a photo of yourself and they find a bunch of celebrities that look like you.

They explain WHY and HOW this works on the website, but it seemed a bit boring, so I jumped right in and uploaded a photo.

I started out by sending them my head shot. About 45 seconds later they presented me with the results.

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Not bad! A 64% match with superstar Matt Dillon. Let's see who else kinda looks like me:

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WOW! That guy I always confuse with Jeff Pullman! Plus Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park! Even matching David Arquette 62% is pretty damned cool.

Think about it. That means I could get into bed with Cortney Cox 48 TIMES BEFORE SHE NOTICED.

I think. I was never that great at math.

Here's the rest of my twins:
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Let's see. Theres a guy who married a Spice Girl, one of the Brokeback Mountain guys, HOLY COW: Kurt friggin' Douglas! SPARTACUS, baby!

Wait a minute...

Rudy Giulaini?

Me, Heath, David and Kurt are deeply offended by the suggestion that we resemble Rudy.

We refuse to upload any of our photos anymore,

So instead, here is Andre the Giant.

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Hee hee hee! He looks like Kiefer!

How about an Andre ACTION FIGURE?
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HA HA HA HA! Okay,, you have regained my love. Let's put the whole Giulaini thing behind us.

Here is one of my all time favorites: Me hanging out with Mr. T in August of 2005:
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Mr. T looks like Bill Gates and I look like Wesley Snipes. You're mocking us, aren't you,

HEY! Let me try Mr. T's head shot!
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Oh, right. That was a big waste of 45 seconds.

I'll do just one more, a photo of Mr. T and I from back in 2002:

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Alright, thats it. I hate you,

I hate you so much.

Micheal Moore in "Lucky Numbers"

A few years ago I saw the movie Lucky Numbers. It was a quirky comedy starring Vinnie Barbarino, Al Bundy and the least attractive chick from "Friends."

Sorry, I didn't watch "Friends" too much, but I did get my hair cut like Jennifer Aniston back in the early 1990s.

I got swept up in Rachael-Mania.

Anyway, this gaggle of television stars were assembled to tell the story of the people that rigged the Pennsylvania Lottery back in 1980.

The film strays quite a bit from the true story, but the basic plot of both is as follows:

A local TV personality conspires with others to fix the lottery. They do so by injecting numbered ping pong balls with paint to weigh them down. They then switched the "fixed" balls with the official ones; and switched back after the drawing.

In real life, the announcer was Rick Perry. He was caught and sent to jail.

In the movie, the announcer was John Travolta. He got away with the lottery fix, but went on to make a long string of box office duds including: Basic, Swordfish, The Punisher, A Love Song for Bobby Long and Be Cool.

Hmmm, "jail" or The Punisher? I guess jail is a LITTLE worse.

I saw Lucky Numbers when it was in theaters back in 2000. I liked it, and found a used copy of the DVD and watched it again. After that I put on the director's commentary track. About 30 minute in, the lackluster Nora Ephron voice track revealed something very interesting:

Micheal Moore was in this film.

At this point I had seen a couple of his documentaries and was pretty familiar with him.

I certainly wouldn't say I was a fan, but I enjoyed some of his work.

I have since learned a dirty little secret about Micheal Moore's films that makes them seem less impressive; he actually shoots very little of his films. What he does instead is purchase footage from outside sources (ie. cable news networks, other documentaries) and COMPILE a film.

I took away a bit of the mystique of the "muckraking journalist digging deep to find the truth" and becomes "guy taping a lot of CNN and showing you a highlight reel."

Regardless of what you think of Micheal Moore as a filmmaker, what I found interesting was that he was A REALLY GOOD ACTOR!

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He was so good that I didn't recognize him. It's hard to believe looking at the film today, but at the time he was not AS familiar a face on TV. Plus he had gained a whole lot of weight since his big hit Roger & Me.

I didn't expect to see him in the film, but that is NOT the main reason I didn't recognize him.

The main reason was because he really BECAME the character.

In the film he played Walter, Lisa Kudrow's perverted, asthmatic cousin.

He's really funny in the part and is one of the brightest spots in a very funny film.

If only I get a chance to see Bill O'Reilly share the screen with Cheech Marin and Kirstie Alley, my life will be complete.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Insane Clown Posse's Bowling Balls

This is an odd little DVD, and I am so glad I found it. It's a 20 minute 3D film called Bowling Balls starring the Insane Clown Posse.

The ICP are a rap duo who have wrestled in the ECW, WCW and the WWE. They also put out a hysterical film called Big Money Hustlas that I should really review one of these days.

Bowling Balls is released as a bonus DVD inside the 2004 CD "Hell's Pit." I love 3D movies and I like ICP, but I had not even heard about this until the other day.

How did I live without it?

The DVD contains two versions of the film (3D and 2D) and is a long music video, like Thriller.

The film starts out with two pretty girls driving a beat up truck into Shaggy 2 Dope (one half of the ICP.)

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An injured Shaggy walks off into the woods and the girls call for help.

Then the other half, Violent J shows up.

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J offers to let them wait inside his 'bed and breakfast' until their friends get there to help.

He also botches a line about "lemonny-lemonny-lemonade" and keeps going.

Then the camera goes out of focus and they keep going.

Then Shaggy cuts one of the girl's head's off.

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Look at that photo closely. If you have 3D glasses put 'em on. Then, in 3D you can see a crew member ducking at the bottom of the frame.

Hi crew member!

Still, the movie moves on. I read that the whole film was shot in 6 days and it kinda looks like it. Of course that's part of the charm.

Speaking of charming, another pretty girl shows up with two wacky horror movie stereotypes. One guy is a pothead, the other a jock.

Actually, I think the white guy was both a pothead and a jock. I don't remember what stereotypical horror character the black guy was.

WAIT! "The black guy" is a horror stereotype, too. He's the one who tries to be tougher than the killer and talks trash... then gets killed.

However, I don't think this guy fit that THAT mold.

Of course most horror films have the stereotype of the "old black guy" he gives sage advice that no one follows.

That was this guy, except the "old" part.

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Every few minutes the movie is put on hold so they can show some of the "music video."

The song "Bowling Balls" is about collecting decapitated heads. They call the heads "bowling balls." The song is one of those songs that seems 'just OK' at first but is so catchy it gets stuck in you head for days.

Believe me. It's stuck in there RIGHT now.

Anyway, I don't want to spoil the whole film so I will just mention two scenes.

One involved a guy eating watermelon:
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In perhaps the biggest disappointment in film history he DOESN'T spit seeds at the camera IN 3D!

Another scene features a gory decapitation that goes on forever. Here is a rundown.

18:11 Throat gets slit
18:19 Hacking at neck causes decapitation
18:21 Blood oozes, scene becomes very gross
18:27 Still hacking at the head, scene goes from 'gross' to 'absurd'
18:33 Music gets more intense, hacking continues and the scene goes from 'absurd' to 'hysterical'
18:38 Scene ends...
18:40 False alarm, still hacking at the head and neck, scene goes from 'hysterical' to 'down right ridiculous'
18:53 The funniest decapitation scene in the history of film (or at least 20 minute videos that are kind of like films) ends.

This is one of the best examples of anaglyph (red and blue) 3D I have ever seen. The picture is sharp and the appearance of depth is very convincing. Also, since it is so short, you don't get the headache that 3D sometimes gives people during a full length film.

The movie features some great death scenes and is really funny. I highly recommend it.

Twas High Winds and Poor Construction that Killed the Beast

The year was 1983 and King Kong was set for a comeback. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the big ape picture, Robert Keith & Company of San Diego created a ten-story inflatable Kong. The balloon weighed 3,000 pounds and stood 84 feet tall.

That means he was 30 feet taller than Kong was in the film.

The much hyped stunt was designed to promote an RCA video disc. RCA video disc's were the main rivals to the LaserDisk format. This format was also known as SelectaVision. It wasn't that successful, but it did produce the "first movie distributed for home viewing systems in the widescreen format.

That flick was a 1973 Italian picture called Amarcord and featured a scene where a woman killed a teenage boy by smothering him with her large boobs.

Sadly, that release was not as hyped as King Kong. It would have been fascinating to see a giant pair of boobs hanging over New York City.

Anyway, the giant King Kong balloon was going to be displayed from April 7-15 1983. In fact, they had talked about keeping it up longer if possible.

So on April 7th, six workers tried to inflate Kong.

They couldn't.

They tried again and again but could not get things to work out.

On April 9th the workers spent a windy and rainy evening trying to inflate him but a gust of wind made a 4 foot tear across his neck. So, they tied him to to the building and called it a night.

On the 10th they worked on repairing him and finally got King Kong up and inflated by April 13th.

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He did look cool, but the whole thing had become a bit of an embarrassing joke at this point.

Still, he was up and inflated, the SelectaVision video disc was selling like... uh... a popular SelectaVision title usually sold.

Plus visitors to the Empire State Building were able to view a selection of memorabilia from the film.

Finally, things were going well for King Kong.

The next day, April 14th another 100 mph gust of wind tore a FIFTEEN FOOT hole in Kong. He flapped around like a garbage bag for two days and then they took him down.

In the end, King Kong was on the building AND inflated for just ONE day.