Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Raoul Walsh


Multiple times I have seen tourists step on this slab and say "Oh look! It's Raquel Welsh."
Some of them are young and have not heard of Raoul. Others are old and somewhat blind.
All of them are missing out.
Sure, Raquel is awesome. Hot, hot hot. But let's give Raoul his due.
Raoul was a talented star of many westerns and dramas back in the earlier days of cinema. He stood out because of one unique trait. His eye patch.
A car accident blinded him in one eye and he wore the patch for the rest of his life.
Raoul put his mark in the cement way back in 1930. Back then a loaf of bread cost one cent, a gallon of milk cost one cent, and a stick of gum cost one cent. The really ripped you off if you needed gum, didn't they!
Anyway, Raoul did the usual hand a footprints, but then he stuck his fist into the cement. He labeled his fist "his mark."
We are lucky to still have his mark in front of the Chinese.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Howie

Oh Howie, he's flying home and he sees other sources of pollution.
This is more than just a page to color, we get to circle things. Uh oh. It appears they are ALREADY circled!

What a gyp.

I hate Howie. I hate him and his lying page. My hatred for him is so great that soon I may hate Howie Long.

As for Howie Mandel, I ALREADY hate him, but I try not to admit it too often. He looks like a psycho with his head shaved and the goatee. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am scared of him.

The Coloring Book Main Page

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Dr. Foo-Ling-U

When strolling around Walt Disney World's Epcot Center (I refuse to call it just 'Epcot') I saw a small stand set up right outside the China pavilion. They were selling all kinds of Chinese toys and games for children.

Perched right out in front was THIS guy:

This is one of the coolest looking puppets I have ever seen for sale. His name is Dr. Foo-Ling-U.

Get it? Dr. Foo-Ling-U? Don't get it? Say it out loud. Doctor fooling you! Man, I bet you feel fooled. You have been fooled by Dr. Foo-Ling-U.

What does the good doctor hold his medical degree in? I bet he's a doctor of Racial Stereotypes.

I decided to re-name my puppet. I also plan to go to the craft shop and buy him new clothes. (LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE JUST WITNESSED THE GAYEST SENTENCE EVER!)

I call him Levi Lumbago.

I am relatively good ventriloquist. I can make the mouth move in time with the words I speak and I am pretty good at making the puppet pantomime. Plus I can do funny voices.

I am not that great at the whole "throwing my voice" thing but neither was Jim Henson or Edgar Bergen.

I am now going to perform a routine for you. Sadly you will have to read it and imagine that it looks fantastic. Imagine the sexist male voice you can for me. For the doctor, skip the offensive Asian voice and just imagine a whiny old man.

SWEETIE: Hey how you doing today?
LEVI: You got some nerve asking me how I'm doing. Why, when I was your age... uh...
SWEETIE: What?
LEVI: When I was your age... uh... come to think of it, I never was your age.
SWEETIE: How could that be?
LEVI: Rationing. It was during the war, you know. Whoa, what are you doing with your hand!
SWEETIE: Don't look back there.
LEVI: Holy Ida Lupino you stuck your hand up my... uh... good gravy that can't be sanitary. I hope you washed your hands.
SWEETIE: I did.
LEVI: You kids today with your hand washin'! I didn't wash my hands for the first 18 years I was on this planet. You know why?
SWEETIE & LEVI: Rationing!

THE END

The Simpson's House


It seems every year some company comes up with a contest so weird that everyone takes notice.

WIN THE BATMOBILE! WIN YOUR OWN TOWN IN TEXAS! WIN A PINK HOUSE PAINTED BY JOHN COUGAR MELLONCAMP! WIN YOUR WEIGHT IN NEWBORN BABIES!

Perhaps the weirdest such contest was "Win the Simpson's House!" I wish they had done "Spend the Night with a Woman in a Marge Costume" or "Have Yourself Surgically Altered to Look like Bart." I am sure someone would have done it.

Anyway, in 1997 The Fox network decided to give away the house that Homer and Marge share with their kids on the successful animated series.

Since the show is a cartoon they had to build the house.

The architects studied episodes of the show and came up with a plan for a house that would look as close to the real thing as possible. Some changes had to be made since it had to meet safety code regulations.

I suppose you can't just wave your hand at the safety inspector and say "safety schmafety." This is a shame, because it's the only way I know to deal with authority figures.


The winner of the contest was a 63-year-old great-grandmother from Kentucky. The house was built in Henderson, Nevada (just minutes from Las Vegas) and was said to be worth about $100,000. The house had four bedrooms and 25 different colors of paint.


It also was filled with every knick knack, painting, Duff can and furniture piece that appears in the show. The amount of effort that went into getting every detail correct is astonishing.


It is easily the ugliest house ever built.

Simpson's creator Matt Groening toured the house before it was given away and he signed the cement, leaving his handprints and a cartoon of Homer. This made the house like Grauman's Chinese Theater (if Grauman's Chinese Theater only had the prints of a guy who made a TV show and most people wouldn't recognize if he tried to sell them a hot dog.)


The house even came complete with Bart's tree house in the backyard, an oil stain in the driveway and three mouse holes.

Homer's car came parked in the driveway.

Unfortunately after the contest the owner did what most people would do: had the house painted and removed all of the Simpson's stuff.

The house is located at 712 Red Bark Lane.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A Stupid Lord of the Rings Game

Sure, I know Lord of the Rings isn't topical anymore. After an amazing onslaught over the period of a just a few years the "mania" has died down. Much like other manias that have come before it, it has left some traces behind.

Macarena-mania may have screeched to a halt but I defy anyone to go to listen to watch children's television without hearing at least a few notes of the tune. And yes, Hulk-a-mania is not what it once was but I still see red and yellow bandanas when I look in my sock drawer.

So, although the Lord of the Rings saga has come to a close, there are still some pieces of it that have been left behind.

Such as the Lord of the Rings game on my cell phone.


This isn't something I downloaded; it's on the phone's internet browser. Every time I get movie times I see it. So, after YEARS of skipping over it curiosity got the best of me, and I clicked on it. This is where I found "Ask Gandalf."


At first I laughed hysterically because I thought that Gandalf was the little green guy. Then I remembered that was the Golum. Or maybe that was Shrek. Either way, Gandalf is one of the old guys in the movie.


This really isn't a game. It's sort of like a Magic 8-Ball but less magical and you can't get drunk by breaking it open and drinking that blue colored liquid.

You are supposed to ask a question out loud and then hit a button on the phone for Gandalf's response. I didn't really have any questions for him so instead I just read some question that David Letterman asked George Michael in a 1998 interview. I have provided them below, along with Gandalf's answers and my analysis.

David: Nice to have you on the show. This is your first time on the show, it's not your first time on the show is it?


Gandalf: I am not certain so I will say no more.

ANALYSIS: Gandalf may seem to be playing coy, but the fact is that Letterman's show has been forgettable since the mid 1990s. I think I may have been a musical guest at some point, but I don't really remember. Or care.
GRADE: B+
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: If Gandalf HAD been on the show before, what did he do? I am willing to bet that he let Dave try on his funny hat.


David: It was about a year ago you were arrested in CA. Is all that been all straightened out now?


Gandalf: There is a last test to make, but I no longer doubt my guess.

ANALYSIS: Yes, Gandalf must be tested on his ability to be straightened out after being arrested.
GRADE: 4th
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: They remade the TV series "Flipper" into a movie that starred Paul Hogan. I remember a scene where he had a room full of Spaghettios. I don't remember why.

David: Right. So what exactly happened?


Gandalf: Haven't you been listening to all that I have said?

ANALYSIS: Gandalf is a cranky old bastard.
GRADE: Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Why did they make a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards? Who really wanted to see that? Who even saw the first one? Who played Frankie Figs? Was that Ving Rhames or Michael Clarke Duncan? I get them confused.

Well, with Gandalf being so irritable I will just shut off the phone and try to forget that George Michael was ever on Letterman.


Gandalf: You will be a fool if you do.

Me: Don't worry, I am already a fool.

Mr. T Salt and Pepper Shakers

I have a HUGE collection of Mr. T stuff. So much so that my entire living room has wall to wall Mr. T. Plus I have LITERALLY thousands of other items stored away.

So, I tend to be very picky when shopping for Mr. T items.

I like to get things that are important in some way. I want things worn by Mr. T or used in the production of a Mr. T show or comic book.

Most importantly I stay away from the un-authorized items. I like to make sure Mr. T gets a cut or else I don't want to buy it.

Here is one of the reasons why:

This is a Mr. T salt and pepper set. Homemade, but the craftsmanship appears very good... at first glance.

By glance, I mean GLANCE. Real quickly look and then turn away. Pretend you heard a girl running down the street naked. (If you can't HEAR the difference between 'nudity' and 'clothed' I refuse to call you a man.)

So, if you only GLANCE, they look great. Stare at them and... uh... they get a little worse.

Hold one and, lets face it, they are awful. And don't think about ACTUALLY using them.

The "regular" Mr. T is for pepper, and the... uh... lighter one is for salt.

Maybe I am being silly, but I didn't think it was necessary to change the man's RACE just to show the difference. Couldn't one wear black and the other wear white? Unless you use them after Labor Day THAT may be acceptable.

In addition to the bizarre color scheme there is a much bigger problem:

THEY DON'T WORK!!!!

Salt doesn't stay in the bottom because the cork is too small; conversely pepper is apparently too big to fit through the top.

I can only assume that Mr. T pities these seasoning shakers. You should too.

Run DMC's They Call Us Run DMC

Ahh, the Run to the DMC, baby. Perhaps the greatest rap group that ever walked the earth in Adidas low-top Superstars. Let’s take a look at one of their minor hits, They Call Us Run DMC.

Before we look at the lyrics, I think it's a good idea to look at the title:

"They Call Us Run DMC"

Not to be confused with the classic film They Call Me Bruce, this song was released several years later. I bet no one was confused. People were confused by the song You Can Cal Me Al by Paul Simon. What the heck was that about? Why wouldn't we call him Paul? He was stupid.

Here are the lyrics to They Call Us Run DMC:

Now that I waxed the crowd, I'm feeling proud and loud
Shoulda screamed on a sucker, but I stepped and bowed
Now that I'm back to 'tract, I'll attack for fun

Waxed the crowd? Feeling loud? Screamed on a sucker? I'm back to 'tract?
Does it concern anyone else that the only part of this so far that made any sense was "I'll attack for fun?" AND THAT was disturbing.
Darryl Mack and back is never wack or lack they call us

[Jam Master Jay cuts up various samples to form "Run, D.M.C."]

You gotta love Jam Master Jay. I wish you could hear this! He pieces together little bits of audio to make GOLD. He's like your grandma! You know how she saves a little bit of marmalade for two years and then makes a cake out of it. Or maybe that was Paddington Bear's grandma.
[D.M.C.]
I'm strapped with rap when I attack, I'm stunning
Darryl Mack on track and I'm off, and running

I wouldn't run if I were you, Darryl. You are on track AND off. That can be very painful. I hope you remembered to stretch.
Don't sneak this peak, because I keep, on taking
the lead with speed, and records keep, on breaking
I pop and drop, all opp-osition
and pop hip-hop, cause I'm the top, position
I ill and chill, cause my skill, is super
For a mill I thrill, but I'm still, a trooper

"Trooper" is a Canadian rock band founded in 1965 that featuring vocalist Ramon McGuire and guitarist Brian Smith. In 1974 they had added Tommy Stewart (drums) and Harry Kalensky (bass.) The band was signed to Randy Bachman's "Legend" label and in 1975 released a self titled album; "Trooper", containing the hits "Baby Woncha Please Come Home" and "Good 'Ol General Hand Grenade."
I can't find any information as to what capacity Darryl performed with the band (if any.) It is possible he considered himself part of the "Trooper Army", a legion of devoted fans.
I'll slay and stay till there are none
So romance and dance and prance, a to the chants of

[Jam Master Jay cuts up various samples to form "Run, D.M.C."]

Maybe it wasn't Paddington Bear, maybe I am thinking of the Velveteen Rabbit. God, that was sad.
[Run]
Well I stomp and chomp, all comp-etition
Make break and take you cold on, a mission
Raise hell, excel, and tell you, who's winning

And now, behold as Run does his best Howard Cosell and tells us "who's winning":
I'm boss, you lost, before the game, first inning

Shoot. I'll never make the All Star Game with THIS kind of play! I lost BEFORE the game! Not even the Kansas City Royals can do THAT.
Let's go and flow, to the rhymes, I'm saying
Cause it's fun for Run to see the crowd, obeying
Mic be checking I'm wrecking we're never second to none
So let's snap and clap and tap, to the to the rap of

[Jam Master Jay cuts up various samples to form "Run, D.M.C."]

I'm pretty sure I have this all wrong. Maybe it's Charlotte's Web. Let me check MLB.com.

Nope, I was right the first time, it was the Kansas City Royals, not the Kansas City Charlotte's Webs.

[D.M.C.]
I'm not the king because (cause) I sell the most
I just bring the laws (laws) cause I'm the host
I got a crown I wear (R: So what it mean?) I rule
I come to town they stare (R: Cause D.M.C.) is cool
because, the crowd, is on it
Drop this beat and pause, the tables are turning
Break backs on track and I can even act

He can act, sure, but can he spin a web that says "that's some pig" and then have the whole town so excited about the pig, but too stupid to realize that it was the spider that spun the web, not the pig. What a stupid town. You can call THEM Al.

So max, relax, new jacks, and get the facts from

[Jam Master Jay cuts up various samples to form "Run, D.M.C."]

[Run-D.M.C.]
They call us on the phone
They call us all alone

(Ring ring)
RUN: Hello?
ME: You're all alone.
RUN: I know. (sobs) No one loves me.
They call us where we roam
They call us when we're home

ME: That's not true! I love you.
RUN: Oh wait! My cell is roaming. Could you call me at home?
They call us up to par
They call us in our cars

(Ring ring)
RUN: Hey.
ME: What took you so long to answer.
RUN: I was in the car, Guy.

They call us in the bars
They call us superstars!

RUN: Well, I'm gonna go get drunk. Call me at the bar.
ME: What am I? Your friggin' girlfriend? No way.
RUN: Call me 'a superstar', then.
ME: No.
RUN: Read me The Velveteen Rabbit, then.
ME: No.
RUN: Charlotte's Web?
ME: No.
RUN: The line up for the 1996 Kansas City Royals?
ME: OK.
They call us
[Jam Master Jay cuts up various samples to form "Run, D.M.C."]
"Run-D.M.C. and Jam Master Jay..."


MORE HIP HOP HILARITY:


Run DMC’s King of Rock
RUN DMC’s Rock Box
RUN DMC’s: Hit It Run
The Fat Boys: If it aint one thing…

Monday, August 22, 2005

Jimmy Stewart


Who doesn't like Jimmy Stewart? Who doesn't watch It's A Wonderful Life at Christmas time? Who doesn't feel the desire to break into a lame Jimmy Stewart impression right now?

Go ahead and do it. I'll wait for ya.

Jimmy placed his prints in the cement in connection with the film Call Northside 777. Or maybe that is a phone message that I wrote on my "Jimmy Stewart Chinese Theater" notes. Maybe I had a Northside booty call I never returned. Shame.

Jimmy had his ceremony on Friday the 13th. Not one to believe in bad luck, he posed with a black cat under a ladder as part of the ceremony.
Perhaps the following conversation took place:
SID GRAUMAN: Hey that cat and ladder are some bad lu-
STEWART: Shut yo mouth!
SID GRAUMAN: Hey man, I'm just talking about superstitions!
STEWART: I can dig it.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Wedding Dress

What is this all about??? What kind of a stupid thing to ask people to color! Wedding dresses are WHITE! The page is WHITE!

Unless... maybe this bride is not virtuous. AHHH HAH!

So, what should we color this? Off-white? Yellow? A dirty blonde perhaps? Dirty as her skanky reputation.

This should be a fun wedding. Ask her who the best man is, she'll know; she's been with 'em all.

The Coloring Book Main Page

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Walk of Fame: Vol. C, Part 5

Buddy Clark Rec
Buddy was a popular versatile singer who died in a plane crash in 1949. He was 37. Buddy recorded with the likes of Xavier Cugat and had many hit records.


Dane Clark TV
Star of TV series such as "Bold Venture" and "The New Perry Mason Show." He also played Harlem Globetrotters' founder Abe Saperstein in the movie Go, Man Go!.


Dick Clark TV
"American Bandstand" host and New Years Eve party master.


Fred Clark TV
Character actor who appeared in many films and movies. He made several appearances on shows like "Green Acres", "Bewitched" and "The Munsters."
When I say he was on shows LIKE "Green Acres", "Bewitched" and "The Munsters." I don't mean he was ACTUALLY on those shows, he was on "The Beverly Hillbillies, "I Dream of Jeannie" and "The Addams Family." I just think all those shows are really like one another.


Marguerite Clark MP
Marguerite Clark was born in 1883 and started in motion pictures in its earliest days. She appeared in film versions of The Crucible and Uncle Tom's Cabin.
However, perhaps her most important role was as Snow White in the 1916 film of the same name. One of the people who saw that film was a teenage Walt Disney. Disney said that this film helped influence him to create his own version of Snow White.


Roy Clark Rec
Country singer and host of TV's Hee Haw.


Ethel Clayton MP
Ethel made her first film in 1909. She went on to appear in over 150 different films over the next 5 decades.


Jan Clayton TV
Jan played Ellen Miller on the TV series "Lassie" she also guest starred on many shows including "The Dukes of Hazzard" and "My Three Sons."


Rev. James Clevland Rec
Once again, there is a typo! Cleveland is the correct spelling of his last name. The Reverend was a gospel musician who won 5 Grammys. He was also had the first gospel LP to sell over 50,000 copies.


Montgomery Clift MP
Oscar nominated star of such films as From Here to Eternity and A Place in the Sun. Clift was a closet homosexual and was set to play closet homosexual Major Weldon Penderton, in Reflections in a Golden Eye at the time of his death. The role eventually went to his friend Marlon Brando.


Patsy Cline Rec
Singer who is probably best known for her hit "Crazy." Billionaire Ross Perot used this song as his campaign song in the 1992 election. Interestingly enough, another Patsy Cline tune was used for his second run at the White House four years later. That song was called "I'm a Short Guy with Big Ears Who Won't go Away."

Rosemary Clooney Rec
Famed singer and aunt of actor George Clooney.


Andy Clyde MP
A western star of over 300 films and shorts. Andy started out in vaudeville and ended up on TV playing parts in the TV series "No Time for Sergeants" (1964) and "The Real McCoys."


Charles Coburn MP
Gruff actor who won an Oscar for his turn in The More The Merrier. He also played the vengeful doctor that amputates Ronald Reagan's legs in the film Kings Row. The amputation leads Reagan's character to shout "Where's the rest of me?" one of the most memorable moments of his career.


James Coburn MP
Prolific actor who appeared in such varied parts as Capt. Vinton Maddox in Midway to the owner of the El Sleazo Cafe in The Muppet Movie.


Imogene Coca TV
Comedienne best known for her work opposite Sid Caesar on "Your Show of Shows." She is also fondly remembered as Aunt Edna, the old lady who dies and is tied to the roof of the station wagon in National Lampoon's Vacation. If only it had been Chevy Chase tied to the roof. And, if only it had been real life and not a movie.


Iron Eyes Cody TV
Iron Eyes Cody was the American Indian who had shed a tear at the sight of litter in a famous TV commercial. He also played many American Indians in films from A Man Called Horse to Ernest Goes to Camp. Surprisingly, Cody was not American Indian, but Italian by birth.

Roy Rogers

Here is a fun slab of cement at the Chinese. It belongs to Roy Rogers, My second favorite Rogers of all time!! (He is just behind Mister Rogers and just ahead of Kenny Rogers.)
Roy was a famous cowboy and starred in more than 100 motion pictures and is one of the most famous cowboys in film history.
In addition, Roy ran a string of successful fried chicken restaurants that served the finest roast beef sandwiches a cowpoke ever ate.
Today, the Roy Rogers restaurants still stand in nine states and have actually been increasing in numbers after a steady decline in the 1990s.
Roy's memorabilia is on display in the Roy Rogers - Dale Evans Museum in Branson Missouri.

The slab at the Chinese reads "To Sid, Many Happy Trails." It is signed "Roy Rogers and Trigger" and features Roy's hand and footprints as well as Trigger's. It also has the imprint of one of his guns.

It is interesting that he shared the cement with his horse and not his famous wife who took part in the ceremony.

Trigger's wife is also not immortalized in the cement. Because she felt excluded, she stayed home and drank a bottle of gin.

The Walk of Fame: Vol. C, Part 4

As we continue through the letter C we find a whole bunch of new stars. Let's take a look:

Ilka Chase MP
Ilka Chase TV

Ilka was an actress in the 1965 TV series "The Trials of O'Brien." She also appeared in many motion pictures including Oceans 11 (the one with Frank Sinatra, not George Clooney.)

Ruth Chatterton MP

Star of motion pictures such as 1931's Unfaithful. Among the many characters she played over the years were: Queenie, Floozie, Elsie, Zelia, Celia, Pansy and Frisco. I love that list! It looks like a re-re's list of Snow White's Seven Dwarves.

Sonny & Cher TV

Famed musical combo who hosted a popular variety show. The he became a politician and she has a yearly "farewell tour."

Virgina Cherrill MP

These names are taken directly from the list on the Hollywood Walk of Fame's official site. Still, it is FULL of typos. (Check out the update at the bottom of this page for more info.)
Anyway, Ms. Cherrill spelled her name VIRGINIA. She was an actress in a few films in the early thirties. She is best remembered as the blind girl who sold flowers in the Charlie Chaplin film City Lights. If you have never seen that, you may have seen the parody of that film they did on "ALF." In that Lynne played the blind flower girl. If you didn't see that "ALF" episode, maybe you saw that episode of "H.R. Pufnstuf" where the horse swallowed Freddie the flute. That had no mention of City Lights, but I liked that show.
Virginia (briefly) married Cary Grant in the 1930s and stopped working soon after.

Maurice Chevalier MP

Classy actor who starred in French films in the early days of cinema and then became an American film star in the 1930s. He was also a singer and sung the title song to the Disney film The Aristocats.

Chicago Rec

Musical group who once went by the name The Chicago Transit Authority. Then they shortened their name and made a bunch of wimpy pop songs. I like to pretend that this star is in recognition of everyone in the city of Chicago that has ever recorded a record... EXCEPT Chicago.

Al Christie MP

Star from the early days of cinema. Christie starred in over 200 shorts and features including a 1937 film called High-C Honeymoon. I can only imagine it is about a man that marries a juice box.

Charles Christie MP

Brother of Al Christie, Charles was one of the earliest film industry moguls. Charles owned a film studio and was responsible for the success of such names a Fatty Arbuckle and Harold Lloyd.

Chester Cinklin MP

Once again, there is a massive typo here! The name should read "Conklin!"
Chester was an early film comic who appeared in many Charlie Chaplin films and Keystone Kops films.

Ina Claire MP

Ina starred in a handful of films in the 1920s, 1930s and 1940s including Claudia and Rebound. (Those are two different films, one called "Claudia" and another called "Rebound." No, that is not the "Rebound" that starred Martin Lawrence. I wish that I had a pet monkey that dressed in the same clothes as me. I like ice cream. Anyone still reading?)

To be continued.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Larry King Book


Found this in the back of my closet. It may have been a birthday present. Or maybe it came with the closet. I am not sure.

It's about 10 years old and is just transcripts of some of Larry's best interviews during his first 10 years on CNN.

Here is a selection of times the word "prop" is used:
#1-Bob Hope (1985): Doesn't inhale. That's a prop. The cigar is a prop.

#2&3-Larry King: So you, this is both a prop and a-
George Burns (1989): A prop.

#4 Larry King (to Bill Cosby 1991): You don't use it? You smoke it, but you don't use it as a prop?

#5&6 Larry King (to Oprah Winfrey 1995): Why don't the people know that they're props? Because they are props, right?

#7 Persian Sheik Sigh Akabah (1996): I took the dead bodies of their families and propped them up in the window.

Ugh. Should have stopped at Oprah.

Speaking of which, the most titillating section of the book comes when Oprah and Larry are discussing what I can only assume is what celebrities they most want to have sex with (I have taken the liberty of capitalizing select words and adding Oprah's name to words that end in an "o" sound):

LARRY KING: Who do you want to have, Princess Di? Is she the one everyone-
OPRAH WINFREY: Well, you knOprah I'd love to DO her. Wouldn't you like to DO her?
LARRY KING: She wouldn't be my number one, nOprah.
OPRAH WINFREY: She would not?
LARRY KING: No. I'd really like to DO Al Pacino.
OPRAH WINFREY: Really?
LARRY KING: I'm fascinated.
OPRAH WINFREY: Do you want to DO O.J.?
LARRY KING: Sure.
OPRAH WINFREY: Yeah, I do too. Sure.


I have never been sOprah turned on, and then sOprah repulsed, and then turned on, and then threw up a little and then went to the deli to buy a Snapple and then ran into an old buddy on the way home and talked to him about prOprah wrestling and then… uh what was I talking about?

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Beer Can-dle

One day I was at a grocery store in New Jersey. By the registers there was a table full of "SUMMER FUN" items.

Next to the usual array of sunglasses and sun block there was a bunch of beer cans.

In many states this wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but New Jersey is one of those states where you can't buy booze at the grocery store.

The Encyclopedia Brown in me investigated this possible crime.

When I picked up the beer can I noticed something was wrong:

A GROWN MAN SHOULD NEVER MENTION ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN.

Oh yeah, and the can was WAY too heavy.

It turned out to be a candle, but not just any candle. This is one of those anti-mosquito candles.

This is the perfect anti-mosquito candle! How many times have you been humiliated when someone noticed a REGULAR anti-mosquito candle? Weren't you embarrassed as they mocked it for its neon colors and odd plastic fish net stocking cover? Didn't you feel like a dunce revealing that the air around your house was infested with mosquitoes?

That won't happen anymore. This candle with its fermented malt beverage cloak will confound them all.

Now they will just think you have a drinking problem.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Cooking with Victor

I have thought about it before. I am sure you have. In fact I bet there is not a person in America who has never thought about it:

"What would it be like to eat dinner with the guy who plays Doug's black friend on TV's King of Queens?"

Finally, we can find out.

Yes, Victor doesn't mind cooking - that is, for the ladies. Yes, this revealing page that I ripped out of a magazine at the dentist's office reaffirms that, Victor is ashamed of his homosexuality.

Or he could be straight.

Either way, he can cook. But don't just take MY word for it, take his:

"Actually, I 'trick' the ladies into thinking I have culinary skills."

TRICK???? He's some kind of magician! Victor never reveals the secrets of his 'trick', but no good magician does.

Still, he tells us one of his recipes. Well, it's not actually his. He STOLE it.

It's a Coconut Soup with Salmon. Victor FOUND the recipe but substituted 'salmon' for 'chicken.'

Still, he has no problem keeping his name on it. "Victor William's Coconut Milk Soup with Salmon."

It is because of Victor that I present:

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson's Original Song, AMERICAN CAKE

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss American CAKE
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "This’ll be the day that I die.
"This’ll be the day that I die."


100% original. Sing it as you eat Victor's original recipe.

Braveman

Yes, the amount of lousy dollar store action figures is overwhelming. In the past I shared some of my finds with you:

A Daredevil toy that has a weenie

A Handsome Robot

and

A guy named Super Hero

Today, it's Braveman.

Sure, he may LOOK like a bat. Sure, he has the Batman logo on his chest. But he is not Batman. Not at all.

He's Braveman.

He comes with a gun, a sword and a medieval battle axe. He is prepared to fight crime in any time period.

Let's see what it would be like if Braveman was in a Waffle House with John Travolta from Battlefield Earth, Will Smith from Wild Wild West and Pericles the monkey from Planet of the Apes:

BRAVEMAN: Hey guys!
JOHN TRAVOLTA: What's with the He-Man sword?
BRAVEMAN: You know, to spread butter on my waffles.
WILL SMITH: I wish I could butter my waffles! They hurt.
BRAVEMAN: What's up with him? Why is he walking like that?
JOHN TRAVOLTA: The monkey bit him.
MONKEY: Unnuh eek uggh ugggh!
BRAVEMAN: I see. Did you guys order yet?
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Yeah. I'm getting a ham steak.
BRAVEMAN: Wow that sounds good. What about you?
WILL SMITH: I'm just getting a Pepsi. The monkey wants a plate of banana waffles.
BRAVEMAN: Banana waffles! You crack me up, monkey!
MONKEY: Unnuh eek uggh ugggh!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Fake Mr. Ts

Some nicknames are just not available. They have been used and we must respect that. I don't care if your name is Joe Rogers, NO ONE CAN CALL YOU MISTER ROGERS.
You also can't be Uncle Floyd, Cousin Brucie, Doctor Detroit, and under no circumstances can you be Mr. T!

There is one Mr. T and he is a beloved television icon. I don't care if you have been called "Mr. T" since the early 1920’s; the name is no longer yours.

Some people haven't got the message:


I give him credit for selling in bulk. Still, he's not Mr. T.


Here is a Hollywood hot spot. It's a nightclub that was once a bowling alley. Time for a name change, guys. It's not Mr. T's and it's not for bowling anymore. Call it Some Other Guy's Nightclub.


Couldn't you peddle your caffeine under the name Lorenzo Lama's Coffee shop?


I'm not even going to TRY to understand this one.


I-a pity-a the fool-a who-a thinks-a he's-a the man-a with-a the Mohawk-a.


I'm sure you make a mean sandwich, but can you make the A-Team van out run a dozen cops in downtown L.A? Can he get Murdock to stop all that crazy jibba jabba? Can he tell Adrian to "bring her pretty little self to his apartment" right in front of Rocky? I doubt it.

Mocking the List: Top Ten Hot Dog Eating Ballparks in the U.S.

Here is a list I never thought existed: Top Ten Hot Dog Eating Ballparks in the U.S.

Let's take a look:
Top Ten Hot Dog Eating Ballparks in the U.S. (2004)

1. Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers) 1.61 million
2. Coors Field (Colorado Rockies) 1.5 million
3. Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) 1.47 million
4. Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees) 1.3 million
5. Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros) 1.2 million
6. Angel Stadium (Los Angeles Angels) 1.1 million
7. Ameriquest Field (Texas Rangers) 996,000
8. Metrodome (Minnesota Twins) 883,500
9. Jacobs Field (Cleveland Indians) 595,000
10. Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles) 400,000

Fascinating. Well, actually it's not all that fascinating.

OK, I did find it fascinating that Houston named their baseball team after the Jetson's dog. Other than that it is pretty boring.

That is until you look at THIS list:

Top Ten Ballparks in the U.S. by Attendance (2004)

1. Yankee Stadium (NY Yankees) 3,775,292
2. Dodger Stadium (LA Dodgers) 3,488,283
3. Angel Stadium (LA Angels) 3,375,677
4. Citizen's Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies) 3,206,532
5. SBC Park (San Francisco Giants) 3,258,864
6. Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) 3,170,184
7. Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros) 3,087,872
8. Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals) 3,048,427
9. Petco Park (San Diego Padres) 3,040,046
10. SAFECO Field (Seattle Mariners) 2,940,731

Now I see something interesting!

Let's see that attendance list again:
1. NY Yankees
Still, with all that attendance they are only #4 in hot dogs! New Yorkers. I bet if there was a list of Ten Ten Hot Dog Stealing Ballparks they would rank pretty high. I know all about the rampant crime in that city, I saw Spiderman.
2. LA Dodgers
#1 in hot dogs.
3. LA Angels
Sure they are confused and think they aren't actually in Anaheim, 45 minutes from L.A., but that should not excuse them being ONLY #6 in hot dogs!
4. Philadelphia
Doesn't even RANK in the top ten in hot dogs. It's no wonder the Phillie Phanatic has a hot dog launcher. They can't SELL the hot dogs, so they give 'em away.
5. San Francisco
Not on the list in terms of hot dogs. Pathetic. I shall take a moment to assert my hatred for San Francisco thusly: Stupid, stupid San Francisco. You don't buy enough hot dogs. Why does anyone like San Francisco anyway? All they have is a big red bridge! Bridges are everywhere in the world. No one else gets all excited about theirs! We just pay a toll and cross them. But you act like you are all so special because of your stupid bridge. Next time you plan on opening your mouth to talk about your stupid bridge, I hope someone sticks a hot dog in it. Stupid San Francisco.
6. Chicago Cubs
Eating more than their share, they are #3 in hot dogs.
7. Houston
Houston, we have no problem. #5 in hot dogs.
8. St. Louis
9. San Diego
10. Seattle
Slackers all three of you cities that start with an "s", none of you made the hot dog list!

This list certainly creates more questions than it answers, for instance:

Colorado Rockies are home to the second biggest hot dog buying audience in the major leagues, yet they are only 15th in attendance. They had 2.3 million customers in 2004. They sold 1.5 million hot dogs. I was never good at math, but I think that's like 23 hot dogs per person.

Coloradans are gluttons.

Lastly, no one should be surprised that the Dodgers lead this list. The Dodger Dog is about as famous the Big Mac (or at least the Filet O Fish) and I imagine many fans just buy that hot dog out of tradition. You HAVE to have a Dodger Dog.

Otherwise it would be like going to Minute Maid Park and not seeing George Jetson and his dog.

A Pugilistic Vegetable

The Veggie Tales are awesome. I don't know how many of you have seen this, but it is defiantly worth checking out. I first heard of Veggie Tales many years ago, but I avoided them because I thought it was some preachy "don't eat meat" cartoon.

It is not.

It is a preachy "say your prayers and read the bible" cartoon.

There is something so interesting about hearing a tomato tell you about Corinthians 12:10.

This coloring book page features a pickle wearing boxing gloves. I guess a pickle is a vegetable. I never really thought about that, but I guess they aren't fruit. I just think of them as "those green things everyone pulls off of their hamburger at McDonalds."

You will notice that his hands aren't attached to his body. This isn't a mistake. Veggie Tales have no hands so anything they hold just sorta floats in front of them like the boxing gloves do.

The pickle is ugly.

The Coloring Book Main Page

Monday, August 08, 2005

DJ Scribble

I saw this at Toys R' Us and I knew I HAD to get it:


I had a vague recollection of who DJ Scribble was because I saw him on WWF "Sunday Night Heat" from WWF New York.

This was back when the WWE was called the WWF and they had a show called "Sunday Night Heat" and there was still an eatery named WWF New York.

It was the era that I like to call "The greatest time of my or anyone else’s lives."

I only remembered DJ Scribble because I thought his name was stupid. So did WWF superstar Tazz who called him DJ Scrabble multiple times.

Inside this box is a Scribble Spinhead! Plus it comes with a Phat Ride.

Still, it wasn't worth $3.98. However, on the day I bought it Toys R Us was selling it for 50% off of the already discounted price.

Scribble is kind of like a bobble head doll only it doesn't bob. You have to turn it manually.

The lack of automatic bobble head action is overcome by a myriad of scratching sounds and catch phrases including (but no limited to):

I am DJ Scribble.
Takin' a phat ride.
Get your hands up!

Perhaps he's supposed to be a car thief.

DJ SCRIBBLE: Get your hands up!
CAR OWNER: Whoa! Don't shoot! What are you doing?
DJ SCRIBBLE: Takin’ a phat ride.
CAR OWNER: Well, my car is nice, but "phat ride", that's pushing it.
DJ SCRIBBLE: I am DJ Scribble.
CAR OWNER: Oh yeah! I saw you on Sunday Night Heat!

I tried to act this out with my stupid Daredevil toy and some other action figures I found in the trunk of my car but then I lost interest.

Here's a photo:

The Alien Encounter Seat

Once, Walt Disney World was home to an attraction called ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter. This wasn't really a ride; it was kind of an interactive show.

Anyway, it opened back in 1994 and told the story of an advanced alien race and some kind of teleportation device. The head of the alien species was the guy who played Eddie Barzoon in The Devil's Advocate.

In 2003 this attraction closed to make way for Stitch's Great Escape.

I managed to get my hands on one of the old seats from this attraction.

There it is. Wow.

So many questions!

Should I sit on it?

Should a stuffed monkey dressed as a train conductor sit on it?

It truly is magical to think that THIS once carried guests into an adventure of epic proportions. Did you experience Alien Encounter? Then there is a 1-250 chance that you sat here!
You leaned back into this seat and watched the encounter. Your butt could have been right on this seat.

Ew. I better wash it (no offense.)

UPDATE:
I washed it. It was filthy. There was a thin layer of black grime on it and two different pieces of gum stuck to the bottom; peppermint and cherry - they were delicious! (I'm just kidding - the peppermint was pretty gross.)

It took over an hour to clean, and after cleaning there was something else that needed to be done.

I had to wash that stuffed monkey in the train conductor outfit.

After all the cleaning I bought some paint. It looks pretty cool.

The monkey, on the other hand, looks just plain silly in purple.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Safety


This is the warning inside of Disneyland's Disneyland Railroad.
That's not a typo.
I know I could just call it Disneyland's Railroad, but that would be wrong.

Anyway, look at the two duos depicted.
On the left it's the safe couple. Sure, they are safe, but are they having fun?

I doubt it.

Maybe they are just nervous and that’s why they are holding hands. Maybe they are romantic. I am not sure.

On the right, THAT'S A PARTY!!!

Look at it! They are having such a good time, they might be dancing. It might even be 'The Safety Dance' after all they aren't wearing hats (obscure joke alert! The Safety Dance was a hit song by the group Men Without Hats.)

Disclaimer

This is a real ad I found on a Disney website.

The definition of 'claimer' is "One who claims; a claimant."

I am a claimer, because I claim to have seen this ad.
I wish Speedy Gonzales was standing next to me. Then you could say "which claimer?" and he could point at me and say "dis claimer."

But, Speedy would probably run away real fast after that. Then I would be stuck there looking stupid.

Anyway, this is a lamp you can buy on the Disney website. This isn't some Photoshop joke, either.

I hope you noticed the disclaimer:

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT??!??!?

NO GIFT BOXING AVAILABLE!!! ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MINDS???!?!?!?

More of Sweetie's Coloring Book