Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 4

Once again we are off to fabulous Hollywood California so we can take a look at everyone who has been honored with a star on the Walk of Fame.

William Bendix Radio
William Bendix TV

Burly actor, Bendix was best known for his part in the radio drama "Life of Reilly" he was also in the popular TV series of the same name. In addition, Bendix appeared in several movies and made a guest appearance on Mister Ed.
Tex Beneke Rec

Very popular big band performer, known for such hits as "Chattanooga Choo Choo" and "Don't Sit under the Apple Tree".
Belle Bennett MP

Big screen star in the 20s and 30s, Belle starred in "Fat and Foolish", "Mayor of Filbert" and a bunch of other movies that sound like something I just made up.

Belle also starred in three films with the word "devil" in the title: "The Devil Dodger", "The Devil's Skipper" and "The Devil's Trademark".
I could not find any plot information on these, but these are my guesses:

The Devil Dodger: A poignant film about Kirk Gibson's deal with the devil.
The Devil's Skipper: Alan Hale and Bob Denver play wacky crewmen on a boat carrying the devil for what is supposed to be a three hour tour.
The Devil's Trademark: The devil goes to court to defend his ownership of the phrase "three-peat".
Constance Bennett MP

Hard working actress who appeared in the film "Topper" as well as the 1934 version of "Moulin Rouge".
I ask each of you to try to use the phrase "He/she is as hard working as Constance Bennett" today. I think that would be a great way to honor her.
Joan Bennett MP

Sister of Constance Bennett, and she was as hard working as Constance Bennett (there
Tony Bennett Rec

Fabulous entertainer known for "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" among others.
Jack Benny MP
Jack Benny Radio
Jack Benny TV

One of the greatest comic actors of all time. Jack starred in a TV series and radio show where he played a bachelor who always claimed to be 39.
George Benson Rec

Grammy award winning Jazz guitarist who received his star in 1996.
John Beradino TV

A former major league baseball player, John played in the World Series in 1942. After he retired from baseball, he starred in many TV shows and movies, including may appearances on TV's "Annie Oakley".
Edgar Bergen MP
Edgar Bergen Radio
Edgar Bergen TV

Ventriloquist best known for his work with dummy Charlie McCarthy. Amazingly he was a huge success working as a ventriloquist on the RADIO!
Bergen was one of Jim Henson's idols and Bergen and McCarthy appeared in The Muppet Movie.
Bergen and Charlie were often billed separately.
Ingrid Bergman MP

Pretty actress who starred opposite Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca".
Milton Berle Radio
Milton Berle TV

Legendary TV personality, Berle had two nicknames: "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television".
Irving Berlin Rec

The songwriter of "God Bless America".

Whew! I need to take a break. Look for me to finish this in about 500 years.

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 3

The Walk of Fame is about as fun a sidewalk as you can find anywhere. The names of celebrites appear in brass surrounded by a pink and white star. They stretch up Hollywood Blvd. and Vine Street in fabulous Hollywood California.

Let us continue the journey through the "B"s

Richard Basehart MP

During a long showbiz career Basehart played everyone from Adolph Hitler to Wilton Knight (the guy who saved Michael Knight's life) on Knight Rider.

Cont Basie Rec

I know, he's COUNT Basie; the mistake was made in the list put together on the Walk of Fame's official website.
Known for his upbeat jazz and big band compositions, Basie was a household name for decades.



Kim Basinger MP

Star of many feature films including Batman and L.A. Confidential.

Lina Basquette MP

Star of The Godless Girl, Lina has the strange distinction of being Adolph Hitler's favorite actress. I'm not sure if she was Wilton Knight's favorite, too.

Anne Baxter MP

Film star of very high caliber. She appeared in many movies, including The Ten Commandments.

Dr. Frank C. Baxter TV

The good Dr. Baxter appeared in many educational TV programs in the 1950s.

Les Baxter Rec

Les conducted many shows including one hosted by Bob Hope.

Warner Baxter MP

Successful actor best known for his role as Dr. Robert Ordway in the Crime Doctor series.

Beverly Bayne MP

Silent screen actress who appeared in 156 motion pictures including God's Outlaw.

The Beach Boys Rec

Legendary music group known for surf music.

The Beatles Rec

Even MORE legendary music group. Known for saying they were bigger than God (which they weren't. They were however bigger than the Beverly Bayne film God's Outlaw.)

William Beaudine MP

Noted film and TV director. Directed The Green Hornet and the Disneyland TV series.

Wallace Beery MP

A one time carnie, Wallace was an imposing man with a muscular build. He was often cast as wrestlers.

Brian Beirne Radio

Known as Mr. Rock and Roll, Beirne was an L.A. DJ for 29 years. He retired in 2004.

Harry Belafonte Rec

A multi-talented singer and composer with such hits as Turn Around" and "Glory Manger".

Madge Bellamy MP

Actress who appeared in many films including the Halloween classic White Zombie starring Bela Lugosi.

Ralph Bellamy TV

Bellamy started acting in 1939, but stayed in the game long enough to co-star with The Fat Boys in Disorderlies. His final film was the Julia Roberts film Pretty Woman.

Don Bellasario TV

Producer of such hits as Magnum P.I. and Quantum Leap.

John Belushi MP

Famed comedian and 1/2 of the Blues Brothers.

Bea Benaderet TV

Voice actor for hundreds of cartoon characters including many Looney Toons and Betty Rubble.

Robert Benchley MP

Well known humorist and comedian, he wrote and acted on TV and in movies.

To be continued.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 2

In this ongoing series we look at the stars of the Walk of Fame in fabulous Hollywood, California. While many of the stars are well known, others have been forgotten over the years.

Hopefully now, at least you will remember them!

Today, we continue with the "B"s.

Tallulah Bankhead MP

Tallulah Bankhead was an actress and talk show host. She was stunningly beautiful in the 1920s and continued to be a star for the rest of her life. Perhaps her most famous movie was Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat, but her most famous role was as the Black Widow on television's Batman.
She was also known for her heavy drinking and would often appear on TV drunk (according to her co-stars.)

Vilma Banky MP

Vilma was MGM's top star in the mid and late 1920s. Her best known roles were opposite Rudolph Valentino.

Theda Bara MP

Her most famous role was of Cleopatra in the lavish 1917 production. Sadly this film (and most of her films) has been lost since the 1930s. Since there is no one that can prove me wrong, I am going to start telling everyone I played "Freddie the Naked Guard" in this film.



Lynn Bari MP
Lynn Bari TV

One of the hardest working women in Hollywood, Lynn earned two stars on the Walk for appearing in over 130 different projects. She played the lead in some of the earliest TV sitcoms. She appeared in a 1950's film called "I Dream of Jeannie" (not connected in anyway with the TV show) and one called "The Kid From Cleveland" (not connected in anyway with my cousin Sal who lived in Cleveland when he was a kid.)

Bob Barker TV

The noted host of The Price is Right; Bob holds a karate black belt and appears twice in the Guinness Book of World Records. One record is "Most Durable Performer," the other "Most Generous Host in Television history" (for awarding a higher prize total than anyone else.)

Lohman & Barkley Radio

Roger Barkley and Al Lohman were talk show hosts in Los Angeles for over 25 years. In addition they were hosts of an NBC game show called Name Droppers. The duo were honored with the star in 1985 and retired one year later.

Binnie Barnes MP

Accomplished actress who usually played the lead's best friend. Among her many films is the 1939 Three Musketeers. The IMDB also lists her as being one of the celebrities on hand for a 1974 TV special called Herbie Day at Disneyland.
On the Herbie Day page the following words appear "If you like this title, we also recommend... Alcohol and Your Body: Assessing the Damage (1997)".
Perhaps there is a dark side to that loveable bug. I hope he finds the help he needs.

Pepe Barreto Radio

Pepe got his star in 2004. He is an entertainment reporter for KMEX in Los Angeles. According to his site, he also does voice over work for commercials, video games and cartoons.

Mona Barrie MP

London born actress starred in several films including "Dawn on the Great Divide".

Wendy Barrie MP

British actress known for her work in the film "The Private Life of Henry VIII". She also shares a connection with two notorious people. She was engaged briefly to gangster Bugsy Siegel and her godfather is Peter Pan author J.M. Barrie. She took his name as her stage name.

Bessie Barriscale MP

Appeared in almost 60 films. One of Bessie's last films was the 1934 film Beloved. The star of that film was Gloria Stuart who played "Old Rose" in Titanic (1997).

Blue Barron Rec

Performer of big band music with his own orchestra. Still, with a name like Blue Barron I will always pretend he was a superhero.

Gene Barry LT

Vaudeville star who later won fame as TVs Bat Masterson. Sadly, this was a western, and not a superhero show.
Bat Masterson: So we meet again, Blue Barron.
Blue Barron: Yes, I suppose we do.
Bat Masterson: You wanna go shoot some pool.
Blue Barron: Sure! I'll skinny dip.
Bat Masterson: No, I mean "pool" as in "billiards".
Blue Barron: So did I.

Ethel Barrymore MP

The great aunt of Drew Barrymore, Ethel and her brothers John and Lionel were one of the most successful acting families in Hollywood history.

John Barrymore MP

He is Drew's grandfather and one of theater's legendary performers. He was called "The Great Profile". Among his famous films was the 1930 film Moby Dick.

John D. Barrymore TV

The son of John Barrymore and the father of Drew Barrymore. Not as successful as his father or Daughter, John performed in a number of foreign films in addition to his TV series and TV movie work. Drew claims he was an abusive father.

Lionel Barrymore MP
Lionel Barrymore Radio

The third of the three Barrymore siblings. He is best remembered as the mean Mr. Potter in It's a Wonderful Life.

Drew Barrymore MP

She's related to a bunch of people. Plus she was Gertie in E.T.

Richard Barthelmess MP

A movie star with a last name that looks like a typo. He started his career in 1919 and received to Academy Award nominations.

Freddie Bartholomew MP

Famed child actor from the 1930s. Freddie starred in David Copperfield, Little Lord Fauntleroy and Captains Courageous.

Billy Barty TV

Dwarf actor and advocate, Billy has most likely appeared in something you have seen. He appeared in H. R. Pufnstuf as well as many of the Sid & Marty Krofft programs. He played Noodles in the Weird Al Yankovic film UHF and he appeared in the Elvis film Roustabout. He was 39" tall.

That's all I can handle right now. Something tells me that we have a LOT more "B"s to go!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Benjamin Harrison: The Centennial President

Benjamin Harrison was elected President in 1888. He was no stranger to the office since his grandfather was President William Henry Harrison.

Harrison was an Oxford graduate and had served in the Union Army during the Civil War.

Harrison was elected President of the United States in 1888 despite losing the popular vote. Harrison received 100,000 fewer popular votes than Cleveland, but carried the Electoral College.

Harrison was known as the "centennial president" because his inauguration was the 100th anniversary of the inauguration of George Washington.

George Washington was the first President. Washington also later added the word "Carver" to his last name and invented the peanut.

The most perplexing domestic problem Harrison faced was the tariff issue. I defy any of you readers to make jokes about tariffs. It's not easy is it? See why I had to stoop to peanut jokes?

Harrison was re-nominated by his party, but lost re-election to Grover Cleveland.

After leaving office he returned home to Indianapolis, and married the widowed Mrs. Mary Dimmick Harrison in 1896. The Benjamin Harrison Law School in Indianapolis, Indiana, was after him.



Fun facts about Benjamin Harrison:

-He was the first President with electricity in the White House, but because he was afraid of getting shocked, he would have his staff turn everything on an off.

-Often called "Little Ben" by his political opponents.

-Was a Presbyterian.

-First President to have a Christmas Tree in the White House.




Fun Facts I just made up about peanuts:

-Peanuts are the only kind of nut that can be used as a bullet for a 57 magnum.

-The world's largest peanut was found by Jean Smith of Virginia. She choked to death on it.

-In the former Soviet Union peanuts were used as currency.

-Peanut is the only word in the English language that doesn't echo.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

ThankYouGeorge.com

In perhaps the most shameless, self aggrandizing moment in the history of mankind, George Lucas has started a website for people to thank him.

"Thank him for what?" You might ask.

For making Star Wars.

www.thankyougeorge.com

On the website you can read gushing testimonials from people whose lives have been enriched by Star Wars.

Since Lucas is notoriously litigious I won't tell you any of the REAL testimonials but this is what they read like:

Dear George,
When I was 4 I saw Return of the Jedi and it forever changed my life. My first word was "Ewok" and I now have a strange fetish for hairy women... and dogs. I work at the Piggly Wiggly here in Georgia (the one in America not Russia) and I often try to "use the force" to get me through the day.
I wish Princess Leia was real... real hairy.
Thank you


According to the site, this website is the result of a spontaneous outpouring of thanks from the fans started by an 8 year old at a recent convention.
The convention was called Celebration III and was the first Star Wars convention Lucas attended in years. At the convention he gave two speeches to packed houses. At the end there was a question and answer session.

According to Entertainment Weekly at the end of the first Q & A an eight year old boy named Tyler stood up and said "Thank you." George then invited the boy on stage for a photo. A few hours later, at the second Q & A Tyler stood up and said "Thank you" George pretended to be surprised and guess what- invited the boy on stage for a photo.

Hmmmmm.

Besides the phoniness of the whole thing, I am still puzzled WHY we should thank him! Sure, Star Wars fans have enjoyed the film... but they weren't free. We PAID to see them. These same fans already made George rich. Isn't that thanks enough? Shouldn't he be thanking THEM?

And, if the criteria for thanks are making movies that captured our imaginations, is George the only one we have to thank? I think I have a bunch of other people to thank first.

Sure, Star Wars was an excellent 6 films (give or take 3) but aside from the 4 Star Wars films he directed (that's right, 4! He neither wrote nor directed Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) all he has is American Graffiti and THX1138.

Let's compare that with his friend and fellow superstar director Steven Spielberg.
Some of Spielberg's films include:
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Schindler's List (1993)
Jurassic Park (1993)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Jaws (1975)

Let's pretend that Spielberg had taken the same path as Lucas. Today we would be enjoying "E.T.: Revenge of the Sith".

Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Anyway, to add to the bizarre nature of thankyougeorge.com they have a banner ad that says incest is "cool."

I'm not kidding. Look:
Thank The Maker - Sign The Letter to George Lucas for 27 Years of Star Wars

Not to be left out, I decided to pen a letter to Lucas myself:

Dear George,
A few years back I wrote to you with my ideas for episode 3. You ignored them. Why were you so foolish? I ask you, what was wrong with my ideas?
First I suggested a scene with Yoda. I don't know what was wrong with that scene! You made 6 Star Wars films and NEVER showed Yoda naked. You should have listened to me!
Second, you ignored my suggestion of adding a scene where gets frustrated trying to find the hidden picture in one of those "Magic Eye" paintings. Then he kills all three judges from American Idol. That would have been great!
Finally, you ignored my ending for the film. I told you to have Jabba the Hut wake up at the end of Return of the Sith and say "Wow, it was all a dream!" Then he could go to the shower and find Patrick Duffy (obscure reference alert! Click here to read about episode 222 of the hit TV show Dallas.)
Shame on you, Mr. Lucas.
Thanks for nothing.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Opening Night of Star Wars

Blah blah blah Sith, blah blah blah Jedi. That's my review of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. I'm sure you have plenty of other places to go if you want a Star Wars review.

I would rather talk about something more interesting:

The midnight showings of the prequels.

Anyone who has been to these midnight showings knows how bizarre they can be. I love them!

Here's why:

The Phantom Menace
I didn't bother to see this at midnight; instead I went the following afternoon. Still I happened to be at a theater when it opened. I was there to see the Jet Li action flick Black Mask.
Black Mask (I was going to shorten it, but I don't want to say I went to see Jet Li's BM) started around 10pm so I got to the theater a full 2 hours before Phantom Menace was scheduled to start.
When I got there I saw them.
THE DIE HARDS.
They were lined up outside. As a matter of fact, I had driven the theater that morning and saw a bunch of people standing outside... waiting.
The line had only increased since then.
I hustled past the line of grown men playing with action figures, plastic lightsabers and Taco Bell cups in the form of Sam Jackson.
Not since my youth soccer league had I hustled so much (and most of that was to avoid Coach Jones who was a bit "touchy feely" with us boys.) I raced to the front of the line since I didn't need to wait IN it. Then someone shouted at me and my fellow Jet Li fan.
"Get in the back of the line."
"What?" I replied.
"To see Star Wars you have to wait in the back of the line."

He seemed stupid... REALLY stupid. So, we had a little fun with him (very little, but still it was fun.)

"Star Wars?" I shouted, "Isn't that movie like 30 years old?"
"No, this is the new one" He replied missing the sarcasm completely.
"Really?" My friend asked "I hadn't heard of that."
"I heard of it" I said "It's called Return of the Jedi."
"Noooooo!" The Star Wars fan screamed "It's called Phantom Menace! its part one."
My friend said "You’re pulling my leg, part one came out in the 70s."
"That was A New Hope." The un-amused nerd replied.

It was at this point that I ended the conversation. Not that we had tired of the joke, I just make it a point never to speak with people who refer to Star Wars simply as "A New Hope". I Know, that's the title, but it sounds like some kind of lifetime movie.

Attack of the Clones
I wasn't planning on seeing this one at midnight, but the lack of anything better to do sent me to the theater that night in search of tickets. No problems and a pretty flawless night.
However, before the film I heard that some in the audience planned to boo Jar Jar Binks' appearance. My party decided we would cheer him. The resulting boos and cheers bewildered an entire theater. Looking back I wish instead I had stomped my feet and made screamed "Bravo" in an Italian accent. But, hindsight is always 20/20.

As we were waiting for the show to start we had an interesting conversation. At the time, a big deal was being made about some guys in Seattle that had been waiting outside a theater for longer than anyone else. We thought they were just dork, but after some discussion we realized they were also idiots. Star Wars was premiering at midnight which actually happens 3 hours earlier on the east coast. If you are sacrificing months of your life to stand outside, why not invest in some plane tickets so you could get to see the film three hours earlier?

Also something else came to me. People often say that obsessive Star Wars fans have no girlfriends. This is not true. Somehow in the past 18 years or so a new breed of FEMALE nerds has been created. They don't outnumber the male nerds yet, but they are close. And they may have surpassed the men in outright obsessive-ness. I have seen more women attend these films in costume then men! Susan B. Anthony would be proud.

Revenge of the Sith
I saved the best for last, friends. This was one of the greatest nights of my life.
Before the movie started this obnoxious group of twenty-something’s came and sat behind us. Two guys in Jedi robes, and yes, one of the female nerds. Every time one of the guys would leave his seat she would scream "DO THE FORM!" at them.

Do the form.

Not the force, the form.

I assumed this form was a something you would take a pen and fill out. Perhaps a job application. Never was I so very wrong.

"DO THE FORM!" she hollered.
"Yeah, do it." someone else screamed.

Unaware that the other person was likely mocking her she called out "See! They're calling for it!"

Eventually after about 30 minutes and more hype than the actual film they did "the form".

Nothing could live up to these expectations.

The form involved them walking to the front of the theater and did a lightsaber duel that looked more like two epileptics trying to bang "thunder sticks" at an NBA game. Not only was it bad, but both of their lightsabers broke on contact. The lights were out, and "the form" was a failure.

Finally finished with "the form" some in the audience politely applauded as the rest of us just ignored them. What happened next would shock and amuse us all.

Moments after he returned to his seat one of the two Jedi shouted "Oh no! I lost my Palm Pilot."

He raced down to the front of theater franticly looking under everyone’s seat. Heck, he made me get up 3 separate times. He then started yelling accusing people of stealing it. When that didn't work he said the following.

"I lost my Palm Pilot. It is no good to any of you. It has two passwords that you will never figure out. I will give you $100 if you return it."

There was no response.

Soon he made the same pledge raising the offer to $400. This prompted another moviegoer to shout back "I lost my self respect and I will pay $400 for it." The female nerd was incensed and threatened the heckler with pain. Pain to be inflicted by Qui Gone Palm Pilot. This is the thanks we get for giving women the right to be nerds. Now they start fights for us. As if men can't get into enough stupid situations on our own.

Unfortunately the fight never came. The Palm Pilot was still missing there was no time for fisticuffs. He walked out and came back with a flashlight. He repeated the reward and looked around everywhere.

It was then that I heard him explain how he knew he had lost the Palm Pilot IN the theater. "I had it with me before I did the form. You know how you always know that your tongue is in your mouth, and then when it's out of your mouth you can tell? That's how I know I lost it there."

Fascinating portal into the mind of a Jedi wannabe.

He left the theater again and came back with a manager. By this time it was after midnight and the trailers haven't run. Everything has been put on hold because of the aftermath of "the form". The manager finally tells him "You're gonna have to take your seat because I have to start the movie now. You can look for it later." The crowd erupts in applause and he returns to his seat, almost in TEARS. Then, he finds the Palm Pilot- in his coat pocket! He didn't announce that, I only know because he was sitting behind me.

Since he had spent little time in his seat I had not noticed before that he had an awful cold. He kept snorting like a child without a handkerchief. Every thirty seconds he would snort a nose full of snot back into his sinuses. It was gross. So, after about 20 snorts I held up a napkin.
"Hey, want a napkin?" I said.
"No" he replied, "I'm cool."

No, "form" boy. You are not cool. Not at all.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Without bunchojunk.com...

As we bring the one year anniversary extravaganza of bunchojunk.com to a close, the lovely Sk8grrrl has been kind enough to provide us with the answer to the year old question "what would life be like WITHOUT bunchojunk.com"


Without bunchojunk.com...

...I wouldn't fear the future nor would I know every plot hole in Back to the Future.

...I wouldn't know that "The Big Show is a person, not an actual show"

...I wouldn't be able to use the insult "go back to Epcot, ya freak!"

...I would be ignorant to the differences between Hulkamanics and Pastamanics. Imagine the embarrassment THAT would cause!

..My daily daydreams about "The Bad News Bears go to White Castle" would not exist.

...I wouldn't know John Ritter looked like Rowdy Roddy Piper.

...I wouldn’t know of Rowdy Roddy Piper.

...I would have never had the urge to bang my head on a piano.

...I'd know Sweetie was hot, but I wouldn’t have written proof.

...Never would I have heard someone talk to pants.

...I wouldn't know what the Seattle Pilots were. Except that there is an airport in Seattle and I would have assumed there were pilots there. But I wouldn't know of the other Seattle Pilots.

...I wouldn't think robots could be "handsome".

...I wouldn't consider "apple" a number.

and

...I'd never know Oregon sniffs airplane glue.

SWEETIE GUY HUTCHINSON said...
Never could I have imagined this nonsense to be written in such a poetic way. I think I'm gonna cry. Or watch wrestling. Yeah, I'm more in the mood for wrestling.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

eBay: The Paper Anniversary Edition

Everyone knows that the 25th anniversary is the "silver" anniversary. This means you should give a gift made of silver if you are celebrating someone's anniversary on that day.

Interestingly enough there are materials associated with every anniversary from 1-100.

100 seems like a bit much. If you were married at 20, you would have to live to 120 to get that gift. That has to be the rarest of them all. Perhaps that’s the "lock of Bigfoot's hair" anniversary.

Anyway, the first anniversary is called the "paper anniversary." Since bunchojunk.com is one year old this month I decided to do some shopping on eBay.

I typed in the word "paper" and took what came up.

Item #1:
VINTAGE c1955 SAALFIELD Paper Doll Set w/ Original Box

A paper doll set. I honestly never understood the point of these when I was a kid.

Probably because I was a boy.

Still, it seemed pointless. Even as a child I knew if you got a girl in her underwear the LAST thing you wanted to do was help her put her clothes back on.
I would just keep the paper dolls in their undies and have them talk about boys, practice kissing and have tickle fights.

This set is from 1955 the year that Marty travel back in to in the first Back to the Future film. Remember how Lorraine called him Calvin Klein and said she had "never seen purple underwear before" well, she obviously didn't own this doll set because one of the dolls is decked out in purple. Or perhaps it's pink and the contrast is off on my monitor. I'm not sure. Either way, the other girl has green and I bet if they had green, purple was a possibility. Lorraine was stupid.

These paper dolls had clothes that were meant to be laced on. This means that this would also be good on the thirteenth anniversary, the lace anniversary.

Hard to pass up for an opening bid of just $9.99.


Item #2:
Viceroy Cigarette Paper Sign As Your Dentist I Recommen

This headline is either supposed to read "Recommend" and is cut off or the dentist's name is Recommen.

Dr. Hank Recommen D.D.S.

He pronounces it "re-cow-min", but the idiots at the video store always mispronounce it. He also pronounces "Hank", "Hah-nick". He's a pompous jerk.

This is a poster from the days before the Surgeon General started telling people that smoking was bad. He's a pompous jerk, too.

Item #3:
The Paper (1994) - New DVD

Yes, no video collection would be complete without The Paper. This is probably the greatest paper anniversary present one could get.
The listing includes a great reviewer blurb:
"...[Keaton and Howard] are still on a simpatico wavelength..."
USA Today - p.4D - Mike Clark

That's a fascinating bit of information. If I'm correct, a "simpatico wavelength" is some kind of jet ski. Ahhh, I can picture the two of them out there, breaking the waves. What fun. I assume Howard does all the steering, and Keaton rides shotgun.


Well, those are some of the gifts I could have gotten for this milestone. I honestly don't want any of them. I would prefer to get gifts for the SECOND ANNIVERSRY. I don't know what material is associated with that, but I hope its ham.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Things I learned from bunchojunk.com

Today, guest commentator Cravipat from Gumball Studios tells what he learned from bunchojunk.com.

I've been reading bunchojunk.com for a long time. I wasn't here for day one but I think I came pretty close. I have read all of the articles, the interesting, the funny and even the occasional stinker. There's a lot to learn in the 246 pages that have accumulated over the year. I'd share them with you but are you that lazy that you can't read them yourself? Just be sure to pace yourself, I tried reading the complete archive in one day in preparation for this article and now I can't remember my phone number for some reason. The massive information overload did allow me to glimpse some knowledge nuggets that the casual reader may overlook. These I will share. I called them nuggets so Sweetie would give them an A+. Let's begin.

Brazen unicorns never crowd hallways or jostle ugly newborn kittens.

The best place to find old Popeye cartoons is on Betty Boop DVDs. I'm sure Olive Oil isn't too happy about that.

If you take the 1st, 6th and 11th letters from junks posted on Monday, the 2nd, 7th, and 12th letters from junks posted on Tuesday, the 3rd, 8th and 13th letters from junks posted on Wednesday, the 4th, 9th and 14th letters from junks posted on Thursday and the 5th, 10th and 15th letter from junks posted on Friday and unscramble them you'll find a hidden message from Sweetie.

There is still no Carl's/Carl's Jr. junk.

"Cintus supremus" is a great insult because no one knows what it means.

Cameras cause Sweetie to break out in a smile and give a thumbs up.
The exceptions to this are graveyards and women, though his thumb may still be up.

There is a Superman in every episode of Seinfeld, but he has only made two appearances on bunchojunk.com. Superman, not Seinfeld.

Waffle House would best Burger King in a burger building battle, with Waffle House's 70 million different ways versus BK's measly 1,024.

A Google search for bunchojunk suggests bunchafunk instead, a band that has "a total lock on the groove!" There is nothing I can add to make that any funnier.

Some junks may contain peanuts. And bananas.

Hay is for horses.

While there have been two junks about Abe Lincoln the second wasn't called Abe 2: Steam Powered Boogaloo.

There have been two junks about Disney's Carousel of Progress and the second was subtitled Electric Boogaloo. Now that's progress.

Golan McGreevey. Think about it.

Sometimes the comments can be just as good or even better than the articles. Don't miss out on some high profile celebrity commentators like Hamburgler and John Kerry. It's strange that Mr. Kerry doesn't post as much anymore now that he's lost the election. He's probably out getting drunk with Al Gore.

T-Rexes can be sneaky when they want to be.

A Google search for Sweetie Guy Hutchinson lists bunchojunk.com as #6.

McDonalds still hasn't released the GrapeShake(TM). I can only assume this means Sweetie is still sitting on the patent.

There are lots of things "I'd buy that for a dollar" guy can buy but they're mostly bootleg toys from China. Or he could pay Mr. T to teach him the spirit of Christmas.

Gopher Cakes aren't real no matter how tasty they look.

Finally I will leave you with the most disturbing thing I managed to discover:

The real mastermind behind bunchojunk.com is Carl Fritztickle, who keeps a trio of gnomes, Sweetie, Guy and Hutchinson, locked in his basement and forces them to write articles in exchange for food and water.
Each gnome has it own distinct writing style. Hutchinson usually writes the fact filled Junks, the ones about the States, Presidents, or the Walk of Fame. Guy usually writes the more off the wall junks filled with weird conversations and odd references. Finally if the junk for the day isn't funny or interesting you can be sure Sweetie is to blame. For a while there was a fourth gnome, Bob, who was allowed
a bit more freedom in order to write the travel junks, like Christmas in Hershey. He eventually managed to escape during one of his excursions, which is a bit sad since we'll never get to read his Mardi Gras junk.

Ok, Mr. Fritztickle. I'm all finished. Can I have that half a slice of bread and thimble full of water now?


SWEETIE GUY HUTCHINSON said...
Thanks for the great read. This allowed me to take the day off to stand in line at the Chinese Theater dressed as Senator Jar Jar Binks. In case you are wondering, I am in line for the 2pm showing of "Monster In Law" starring J-Lo and Jane Fonda (whom I call J-Fo.)

Monday, May 16, 2005

The bunchojunk.com Anniversary Extravaganza

Welcome to the one year anniversary of "junk" on the web. I have put together a few special features for you to look at this week. I hope you love it.

ONE YEAR OF BUNCHOJUNK.COM BY THE NUMBERS:
Number of words: 212,357
Number of articles: 246
Times the word “the” appeared: 15,744
Times the word “Hollywood” appeared: 368
Number of cheap action figures profiled: 6
Articles in which the phrase “deformed Barney” appeared: 2
Number of articles about Run DMC: 4
Most comments on a single post: 55 (Abe Lincoln)
Number of Back to the Future references: 19
Number of unnecessary links to other posts: 87
Number of stories about the legendary Smitty D: 2













Make sure to check back tommorow. I will be posting comments all week, and maybe adding a few other features as well.

Thanks again for stopping by for the past year!

Be sure to sign the guest book (post a comment.)

Friday, May 13, 2005

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Atari Game

Way back in 1983 the Atari 2600 ruled the world of gaming. A benevolent ruler to be sure, but Atari was the king.

And what a king Atari was.

Atari changed the way people used their TV. Atari released some of the most memorable games of all time including Donkey Kong and Frogger.

This made Atari 9th on the all time "King" list (between King Solomon and the Sacramento Kings.)

Atari was part of the Warner Communications company and had been since way back in could 1976. Atari was responsible for 80% of the video game market and 70% of Warner's operating profits. In 1982 the head of Warner Communications made a deal with Steven Spielberg to make a video game based on the movie E.T. The cost of the licensing agreement was an outstanding $20 million dollars.

FYI: $20 million dollars in 1983 would be worth over $450 trillion today (unless my calculator is broken. Hey wait, is this a calculator? This might actually be an old Speak and Spell with the label ripped off.)

This was a somewhat unusual move. Most games at the time were not based on movies; instead they were based on giant frogs crossing the street and apes that are inexplicably called "donkey".

Howard Scott Warshaw was tapped to create E.T. Warshaw was a skilled programmer, but he was saddled with a ridiculously short deadline.

8 weeks.

The resulting game is widely considered the worst game of all time.

Now, let me make an admission. I am obsessed with it.

I am not sure when I first played E.T., but it was long before I heard what a flop it was. I loved the game. I picked up a guide book "How to Play E.T." at garage sale, and I have been hooked on it for years.

The game play is simple. You move E.T. through several screens looking for the parts of E.T.'s phone. There is a scientist and an FBI agent on the lookout for E.T.

The scientist with kidnap you and the FBI agent will steal a piece of your phone.

He must look like a dork when he gets back to headquarters.

FBI AGENT: I just saw an alien.
CLERK: Sure you did.
FBI AGENT: I really did!
CLERK: Prove it.
FBI AGENT: OK, look at this phone I found.
...then the agent would fall down causing him to look like a dork.

The pieces of the phone are hidden in pits that E.T. has to fall into.

The holes are what many people hated about the game. They are EVERYWHERE and it is quite easy to fall into them by accident.

Still, the game was amazing!

CHECK OUT THESE GRAPHICS:
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
So, with annoying holes, mediocre graphics and a bad storyline OTHER CONSUMERS (again, not me) hated this game.

Atari had woefully miscalculated the amount of games that would be sold and they were left with millions of unsold cartridges. So they did the only logical thing. They buried them in the desert.

Yup. They sent truckload of cartridges to a desert landfill drove a steamroller over them and covered them in cement.

Kinda like what happened to Joe Pesci in "Casino".

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Puff the Magic Dragon

Let's clear one thing up from the start. Puff the Magic Dragon is not a song about drugs. Not at all. It really is about a magic dragon. You can read about that here. I know it may seem funny to think that it is, but to take beautiful children’s song and tie it to drugs seems downright evil to me.

Now, let me climb off my high horse and tell you about one of my favorite childhood films.

Actually it wasn't even a film; it was a 1/2 hour TV special. Wow, this is off to a bad start, first an angry rant and then a lie. Ugh.

If you haven't seen the animated version of Puff you really are missing out. It is the perfect children's program. It has beautiful animation, wonderful music and characters that go through real growth in just half an hour.

The film features Puff, a green dragon with ragged hair and a goatee. His head is unkempt but he makes up for that by wearing a vest and a bow tie.

Puff shows up to help a little boy named Jackie Draper. Jackie is full of fear, so much so that he does not communicate with anyone, even his parents. The doctors say his case is hopeless, but then Puff arrives.

Puff is voiced by veteran actor Burgess Meredith. You will instantly recognize his voice from his part as Mickey in the Rocky films. Or maybe you will recognize it from the Penguin from the Batman TV series. Or maybe you won't recognize his voice at all and you will scream at the TV: "Who the hell is that? And why did Guy lie to me?"

Puff makes a paper version of Jackie named Jackie Paper. Then they sail away on a magic ship. Along the way they meet an angry giant and a land full of "sneezes". They are weird looking creatures shaped like "noses".

The adventure helps Jackie conquer his fears and communicate with his parents. However, like then end of the song, Jackie grows up and no longer needs Puff. It's bittersweet, but in the best possible way.

A few years ago I found ANOTHER TWO Puff the Magic Dragon films. Both were made not long after the original and both are very good.

Puff and the Land of the Living Lies tells of a little girl who lies constantly. Puff takes her on a journey that ends... where else... THE LAND OF THE LIVING LIES.

In this land, all the famous liars are there.
Pinocchio is there with his long nose. So is the boy who cried wolf and Bill Clinton arguing about what the meaning of the word "is" is. It is really cute.

Sadly, one of her lies puts Puff in prison but she learns to tell the truth to get him out. In the end, Puff gets her to come to grip with the fact that she lies because she is sad due to her parents divorce.

The other sequel is called Puff and the Incredible Mr. Nobody. This is about a smart child and his imaginary friend Mr. Nobody.

Mr. Nobody is a duck in overalls with a saucepan on his head. Do I even need to say more? I bet you are dying to see a duck in overalls with a saucepan on his head. Of course a half hour later the child learns to live without his imaginary friend.

Now, I have adopted him as MY imaginary friend. We go drinking on Thursdays (oddly enough we go to Fridays.) When people say I'm talking to nobody I say "He's Mr. Nobody to you!"

Around the 6th beer Mr. Nobody starts to look like a hot chick and we make out.

Aw jeez. Now I did it! I took a nice children's story and mixed it up with liquor and loose women. I guess nobody is perfect.

Just don't tell him or his head will swell too big for the saucepan.

Katie Couric interviews Sweetie

To celebrate one year of the online haven that is bunchojunk.com. I tried to book myself on the Today Show with Katie Couric. I couldn't get booked on the show, so I took a list of questions from a transcript of another Katie Couric interview and made up my own answers. I hope it works out for you.



Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Hi Katie, nice to be here.

Katie Couric: Looking very stylish this morning, I might add.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: You look pretty hot too.

Katie Couric: Listen, as I said, we got over 1,500 e-mails, and a lot of people really wanted to know - and I know you're sick of this question...

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Why is my nickname “Sweetie”?

Katie Couric: Exactly.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Well, I was in a diner trying to come up with a clever internet ‘nom de plum’ and I could not think of one. Then the waitress came over. She was a 65 year old woman with fat ankles. She looked at me and said “Can I get you more coffee, sweetie?” It was then that I knew what my nickname should be “coffee”. Later I decided to read five books of the Kama Sutra.

Katie Couric: Right. Can I ask you sort of an annoying question? How far along are you in Book 5?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: That’s not annoying. I’m at the page where the Indian guy puts his leg behind his head. Perhaps I can show you and some of the girls in the audience after we are done.

Katie Couric: So people may have to wait--?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Sure, just form a single file line after the interview. I bet you want to go first.

Katie Couric: A little bit ... so they're going to have to be patient. They're going to have to read like one through four for the 27th time.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: What? Oh, the books. Yeah. I just thought you wanted to sleep with me. I bet you would loosen up if you did.

Katie Couric: Exactly, that's a very good point. Alright, let me tell you some of the e-mail questions that we selected. Emma, who's age 11, says, "Dear J.K. Rowling, when you were a little girl, what were your favorite books?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: J.K. Rowling?

Katie Couric: Is that an English author?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I have no idea. You should probably see if you have emails that pertain to me.

Katie Couric: Why?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Because if I just answer questions regarding other people. I would just be making a bunch of nonsense up. Don’t you think the audience would hate that?

Katie Couric: Well, I don't know ... maybe they'd be enlightened.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, well you audiences aren’t known for their intelligence, right? I saw one of them writing dirty limericks on the bathroom wall. He misspelled “Nantucket”.

Katie Couric: And what did he write that you enjoy?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I don’t know. I was kind of in a rush. His handwriting was pretty neat, I guess. Alright, let’s go back to the J.K. Rowling emails.

Katie Couric: Here's Sarah; she's nine. (Reading next e-mail) "I'm 9 years old. I live in Rhode Island. My question for Ms. Rowling is: Will you keep writing Harry Potter books that will take him through his adult life? He could be a teacher at Hogwarts!"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Oh! Rowling is the lady who writes that Harry Potter stuff. I’m not a fan.

Katie Couric: Well, good! I hope you're not! (Both laugh.)

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I’d like to punch her in the face.

Katie Couric: That would make big news here this morning.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, too bad only fat middle aged broads watch this show.

Katie Couric: Kathy from Georgia says: "In all four books, Hermione constantly refers to the book Hogwarts: A History. Are you considering compiling and publishing such a book?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Jeez, you are the worst interviewer I have ever seen! Don’t you have any of your own questions? Stop reading emails and ask me something. ANYTHING!

Katie Couric: And the proceeds will go to Comic Relief?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: O.K. that makes no sense. Are you still reading off your notes? Read the question above that.

Katie Couric: And also a charity in the U.S. that's yet to be named? Or just basically those two right now?

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: No, I am completely lost. Let’s just go back to the emails.

Katie Couric: Jennifer and her son, Paul, have a joint question: "Who is your favorite teacher or staff member at Hogwarts and why?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I like the old dude with the big hat. Although I might be thinking of Lord of the Rings. I get them confused a lot.

Katie Couric: From Casey, who's nine, from Annapolis: "Are any of the characters based on anyone you knew or know in real life?"

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I don’t know. Is there a character in those books that is a lousy interviewer? Ah, never mind.

Katie Couric: I'm not sure if we should bite this off, but I'm going to. Tammy in Kansas was wondering: "What would encourage you to write books for children that are supporting the devil, witchcraft and anything that has to do with Satan?" You've heard that before.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: I wish Satan would come here and blow his nose in your hair. But I guess I’m a jerk. I read that in the “Being Interviewed for Dummies”.

Katie Couric: You have heard criticism along those lines ever since the beginning and I think it also grew since more and more books came out.

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Yeah, sure. I gotta go; I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. B, Part 1

The Walk of Fame is one of the most popular tourist attractions in fabulous Hollywood California. It is also one of the worst places to walk when it rains. The "stars" that decorate the street are very smooth on top and provide no traction. Good thing it rarely rains in Hollywood.

The stars are a pleasant and free tourist attraction. The length of the walk is actually quite long, but many people love to walk it from end to end. The walk was one of Elvis Presley's favorite attractions.

As part of an ongoing series, I am taking a look at the many names that grace the walk. Today we start the letter "b". I hope that you find some people who are unknown to you. Maybe now you will always remember them.

Lauren Bacall MP

Super-sexy screen siren in the 1940s, Bacall still acts today. She is perhaps best known for the film "Key Largo".
Jim Backus TV

This multi-talented actor played Mr. Howell on "Gilligan's Island" and was the voice of Mr. Magoo.
Kevin Bacon MP

Kevin is a successful film actor and the subject of the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon." He received his star in September of 2003, I attended the ceremony.
Lloyd Bacon MP

Bacon was a vaudeville star that acted and directed films from 1915 to 1954. Among his many roles is Charlie Chaplin's "The Tramp".
His last name is delicious.
King Baggot MP

King was an actor from the early days of film; he appeared in nearly 300 films, mostly in uncredited bit parts. In addition he wrote and directed several films.
He was not actually a king. I don't believe he was a baggot, either (but I have heard rumors.)
Jack Bailey Radio
Jack Bailey TV

The one time voice of Walt Disney's Goofy, Bailey is best known as host of the popular "Queen for a Day" program.
Pearl Bailey Rec

Pearl was a popular singer who starred on Broadway. She was also a favorite duet partner of Frank Sinatra.
Fay Bainter MP

An acclaimed film actress, Bainter made history in 1938 when she was nominated for two Academy Awards. She won Best Supporting actress for her role in "Jezebel" that year.
Anita Baker Rec

Popular singer of "Rapture" and "Giving You The Best That I Got".
Art Baker Radio

Art was the host of the popular radio show "People Are Funny".
Carroll Baker MP

Beautiful actress who was touted as "the next Marilyn Monroe" in the 1950s. Although she never reached the status of Monroe she was very successful, earning an Oscar nomination for the 1956 film "Baby Doll". Baker has acted occasionally over the past few decades, notably appearing in "Kindergarten Cop".
Kenny Baker Radio

Singer/actor who appeared on Jack Benny's radio show in the 1930s. He has the same name as the man who 'plays' R2D2 in "Star Wars".
Phil Baker Radio

Actor on radio's "The Fred Allen Show" and star of "The Phil Baker Show".
Lucille Ball MP
Lucille Ball TV

Best known for telling everyone that they loved her. Ball also appeared in many successful film roles.
Anne Bancroft TV

Successful actress and wife of Mel Brooks. She appeared on many TV shows and in TV movies over the years.

Coming soon, volume 2.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Yo Butkus!

Rocky III. Unquestionably the greatest cinematic achievement of all time. The ultimate good versus evil story with Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky Balboa going head to head with Mr. T’s Clubber Lang. But something is missing.

Let’s back up.

In the first film, Rocky, Adrian works in a pet store. Rocky is trying to sweep her off her feet so he goes to tell her a joke:

ROCKY
(continuing)
I was talkin'
about the turtle food -- Like
I was sayin', the moths get
caught in the turtle's throat
an' makes 'em cough...
(coughs)
A little cough an' I gotta
smack 'em on the shell -- An'
whatta think they get?

Adrian shrugs.

ROCKY
(continuing)
I smack 'em hard on the shell
an' they get... What?

ADRIAN
... I don't know.

ROCKY
Shell-shocked!

WOW Shell-shocked!! Get it! Aw man, that is funny. Anyway, the two turtles are named Cuff and Link. Sure Rocky smacks ‘em around, but they are his friends.

Since Rocky runs everyday, Adrian decides to give him someone to jog with. So what does she bring him? The ugliest dog on the planet, Butkus (pronounced Butt-kiss).

It should be noted that Butkus was Stallone’s own dog. He named him after football legend Dick Butkus.

When Rocky 2 hit the screen, Butkus was back, running with Rocky. Somehow, when Rocky 3 starts they are all gone. Butkus, Cuff and Link are nowhere to found.

What happened? Rumors were rampant. Did they die? Had they been written out of the script because Rocky is now a millionaire who wouldn’t have time for an old dog and two turtles? Had Stallone’s ex wife won Butkus, Cuff and Link in the divorce settlement?

Who knows.

All I know is I miss Butkus.

I miss him so much I wrote a song about him.



I MISS BUTKUS (to the tune of “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer)

I miss Butkus (x2)
I miss Butkus(oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh) (x2)

My-my-my-my Clubber hits him so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for Rocky III which I watch for free on TNT
Kinda sad when Mickey dies
But I laughed and laughed when Rocky cried
But I don’t know for sure
Why Rocky don’t have a dog no more
I told you homeboy I miss Butkus
Yeah that's how we're livin' and you know I miss Butkus
Look in my eyes man I miss Butkus

Rocky is buffer than before
But he don’t have pooch no more
And Cuff and Link, they’re gone
Yet somehow Apollo stayed on
Their sudden friendship is hard on my brain
But the missing canine causes me more pain
Couldn’t they just let him drop by
So we would know the dog didn’t die
Yo I told you I miss Butkus
Why you standing there man I miss Butkus
Yo sound the bells school is in, sucker I miss Butkus

I miss Butkus (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh) (x2)
Break it down
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh) (x2)
Stop! Hammer time

Monday, May 09, 2005

James K. Polk: The Last of the Jacksonians

Future President James K. Polk was born in Mecklenburg County, North Carolina, in 1795. By future President I mean that he became President after his birth, not that he will be President in OUR future. Although, that would be pretty cool. They could bring him back to life like in that movie "The Re-animator". I can see the headlines now:

Re-animated and Re-elected!

or

"He Polked Her!" A re-animated Polk Beats Hillary Clinton

and

Bill Clinton Admits: "I Had an Affair with Martha Washington's Re-animated Head"


Yes, it would be an interesting age.

Anyway, Polk was lawyer by trade, served in the Tennessee legislature, and was a friend of Andrew Jackson.

Andrew Jackson was the first "common man" to become President and those that followed his political values were called Jacksonians. The other two famous Jacksonians were President Martin Van Buren and Tito.

Polk was the last of the Jacksonians to occupy the White House.



In the House of Representatives, Polk served as Speaker between 1835 and 1839. He left the house to become Governor of Tennessee. Before the election of 1844 Polk was a leading Vice Presidential candidate. However, his ideas about expansion thrust him forward making him the Democratic nominee. Polk was very interested in expanding the country by taking Texas from Mexico and Oregon from the British.

Polk won the election of 1844, beating Whig candidate Henry Clay. This was one of the first big Presidential upsets. Polk was relatively unknown before his nomination, so much so that the Whig slogan was "Who is James K. Polk?” .

As President, Polk was instrumental in the annexation of Texas and Oregon. He then set his sights on California. Polk offered Mexico 20 million dollars for the Golden State. Mexico refused and eventually Congress declared war on Mexico. In 1848 Mexico gave California AND New Mexico to the U.S. for just 15 million dollars.

Polk left office having been profoundly successful in just one term. He died just a few moths later at the age of 53.



FUN FACTS ABOUT JAMES K. POLK:

The musical group "They Might Be Giants" wrote a song about him.

Polk was the first President to have his photograph taken.

Polk's wife did not allow card playing, dancing, or drinking in the White House.

His middle name was Knox.



FUN FACTS I JUST MADE UP ABOUT JAMES K. POLK

Always wore his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Was the first President to say "Wait, take the picture again! My eyes were closed."

Once worked as a dancing instructor until a student said "Look its Polk doing the Polka." After that he cried and left the industry.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Snow's Informer


Remember Snow? He was a rapper back in 1993 that scored big with a song called "Informer".

Informer was a bizarre song, and to be honest I hated it. I hated it in 1993 and I still hate it today.

I'm not sure why I am writing about it.

If I were you I would probably hate reading about it.



Snow was, as his name suggests, white. White like snow. Snow white, but without the dwarves. He was white. In 1993 all white rappers had to give themselves a name that suggested their whiteness.

White rappers had names like Snow, Vanilla Ice, Ice Cube, MC Whitey, The Clear Boyz, Polar Bear, Siegfried 'n' Roy's Tiger, Liquid Paper, Bob Dole and Beaver Cleaver's Best Friend (not Larry or Gilbert.)

It was the golden age of white rap.


Guys, I really don't feel like writing this. I am going to take a short break and talk about the two Dr. Dres.

Dre #1:
This Dre pioneered gangsta rap with hardcore raps about a life of crime. Early in his career he was part of the group N.W.A. That group was often confused with the Pro Wrestling organization.

At the same time, Dre was being confused with another Dr. Dre. The world had too many N.W.A.s and too many Dr. Dres.

The American public began to panic, thinking there may not be enough words in the English language to sustain the rap culture.

Dre #2:
This Dre spelled out the word "doctor" making him Doctor Dre.

He was co-host of Yo! MTV Raps with Ed Lover.

Doctor Dre is much fatter than Dr. Dre. In 1993 it was decided to make the duo the new Abbott and Costello with the film "Who's the Man?".

The identity of the man was never discovered, so Dre and Ed became radio hosts in NY.

Neither Dre is an actual doctor.

Alright, I have put it off long enough. Here are the lyrics for Snow's hit song informer:

"Informer"

Informer
You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down

It should be noted that Snow talked fast. REALLY FAST. He would babble the lyrics like a Rastafarian chipmunk. All you heard was "Informer, blah blah blah, lickey boom-boom down." He was so fast that MTV actually put subtitles on the screen for the home viewers.

So far, Snow has revealed that a 'Tective (I assume that means Detective) said that either him or his father stabbed someone down the lane.

Funny, I never thought of people getting STABBED on a "lane". On a "street", sure. An "avenue" most likely. A "boulevard" absolutely.

I guess Snow has enlightened me to the troubles of the world.
Police-a them-a they come and-a they blow down me door
One him come crawl through my window
So they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on I reach my destination
Well the destination reached in down-a East detention
Where they whip down me pants look up me bottom

Yuck. And MTV offered SUBTITLES for this! So, the police arrested him and checked out his butt. Great lyrics, Snow.

[CHORUS]

Bigger they are they think they have more power
There on the phone me say that on hour
Me for want to use it once and-a me call me lover
Lover who me callin'-a the one Tammy

I don't know if Tammy will take you back now Snow, it seems the police are your lovers now.
And me love her in my heart down to my belly-a

Heart to the belly? They are only like 4 inches apart! 95% of Snow doesn't love her!!!
Yes say Daddy Me Snow me I feel cool and deadly
Yes the one MC Shan and the one Daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em(?) as a tornado

[CHORUS]

Being deadly is not cool, Snow, not cool at all. Tell your Daddy that, too.


Listen to me ya better listen for me now
When-a me rock-a the microphone, me rock on steady-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me are the article don
But the in an a-out (?) a dance an they say, "Where ya come from?"
People them say I come from Jamaica
But me born and raised (in the ghetto) I want ya to know-a
Pure black people man thats all I man know

Yes, just the "pure black people". Snow did not know of the white man despite living in Canada where there are over 209 million white people.

Snow lived a sheltered life. No wonder he can't spell "detective".

Yeah me shoes are-a tear up an-a my toes used to show-a
Where me-a born in-a the one Toronto

[CHORUS]

Come with a nice young lady
Intelligent, yes she gentle and irie
Everywhere me go me never lef' her at all-ie
Yes-a Daddy Snow me are the roam dance man-a

I don't care about this! Do you see what I mean, he's talking about holes in his shoes! This is asinine!

Let's talk about fat Doctor Dre's movie "Who's the Man?".


Plot Summary for Who's the Man? (1993)

Ed Lover and Doctor Dre play two inept barbers. One of the funniest lines in the commercial is when someone tells them "I wouldn't pay you to cut my taxes." I love that joke, but I have never had the opportunity to use it myself.

Maybe I need to hang out with some inept barbers. Then I can zing them with that zinger.

Anyway, Ed and Dre decide to become cops and end up solving a crime. If only life were as wonderful as "Who's the Man?"

Roam between-a dancin' in-a in-a nation-a
You never know say Daddy Me Snow me are the boom shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in-a one cardboard box-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me-a go reachin' out da top

Snow is so cool he never lies flat on a cardboard box. I bet he never stands on a paper cup or sits on a metal bucket either. Snow rocks.

[CHORUS]

Why would he? [repeat]

[MC Shan:]

Me sittin round cool with my jiggy jiggy girl
Police knock my door, lick up my pal
Rough me up and I cant do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring

OH NO! The police have MC Shan! But, at least they are kind enough to answer his phone.
I wonder if the cops said "MC Shan's phone, police speaking" when they answered.

I hope they did.

Take me to the station, black up my hands
Trail me down 'cause I'm hangin with the Snowman
What an I gonna do, I'm backed and I'm trapped
Smack me in my face, took all of my gap
They have no clues and they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer

Blah blah blah. Nobody cares. We never heard from Snow again.

Both Dres continue to entertain in their own special ways.

Word to your mother.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Unknown on the Walk of Fame: Vol. A, Part 3

This is the 3rd in a series. To go back to #2 click here. Don't worry; you don't have to read them in order.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is one of the highlights of fabulous Hollywood, California. The walk starts at LeBrea Ave (by the Stephen J Cannell building) and runs way down to Gower Street (right past the historic Pantages Theater.)

The Walk features many, many stars. Currently it is well over 2000 with new ones added every year. Because of the sheer volume of stars, there are many that are not remembered as fondly as Lucille Ball or David Spade.

These are celebrities who have not stood the test of time, but once shined as bright as any other.

I started this series to try to help people remember these great stars. Let’s keep rolling:

Eve Arden TV
Eve Arden Radio

An inductee of the Radio Hall of Fame, Eve is perhaps best known today for her role as the Principal in Grease. Beyond that, she starred in over 70 films starring opposite everyone from Jimmy Stewart to Groucho Marx.
Samuel Z. Arkoff MP

Arkoff was a producer of "exploitation" films. He was executive producer on the original Amityville Horror film and Slaughter's Big Rip Off. I mention Slaughter's Big Rip Off because Ed McMahon plays a drug kingpin in it. That's right, THAT Ed McMahon. I am not kidding.
Richard Arlen MP

Richard Arlen made almost 150 films from the silent era to the 1970s. Still, he had no nickname. Pity.
George Arliss MP

George was a silent film star with extensive British training. He was already a senior citizen when he started making films and thus played a bunch of "old guy" roles.
Louis Armstrong Rec

Famed trumpet player, Armstrong had 3 nicknames: Pops, Sweet Papa Dip and Satchmo. Don't you think he could have given one to Richard Arlen?
Neil Armstrong TV

Neil is one of the Astronauts who are commemorated in a special circular "moon landing" star.
Desi Arnaz MP
Desi Arnaz TV

Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy, Desi actually had an extensive career prior to I Love Lucy. Desi was notoriously unfaithful to his wife, Lucille Ball. So unfaithful that he got the Lucy gig just so she could keep an eye on him.
James Arness TV

Standing a towering 6'7", Arness is best known for his work as Marshall Dillon on Gunsmoke.
Eddy Arnold Radio

A beloved Country Western Performer. He is also in the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Edward Arnold Rec

Was a screen, stage and TV star, but for some reason is listed in the "recording (or music)" category. It might be a mistake by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce website, I will take notice next time I pass the star. Arnold started performing at age 12 and eventually became president of the Screen Actors Guild. Arnold did appear on a famous record, The Genesis Suite, in which he narrated the Symphony.
Roseanne Arnold TV

Yup, Rosanne. Star of her self titled TV show and the movie She-Devil. Obviously, she received the star during her 4 year marriage to actor Tom Arnold. Today she is just known as "Rosanne", but no one really cares. Her biggest claim to fame was butchering the National Anthem at a baseball game and then grabbing her crotch and spitting. Recently she played a cow in a Disney movie.
Cliff Arquette Radio

Actor and comedian who was famous for his character Charlie Weaver. Cliff appeared on many TV shows as Charlie Weaver, mostly game shows. He is the grandfather of Rosanna Arquette, Patricia Arquette and David Arquette.
Jean Arthur MP

Pretty actress known for her squeaky voice. Perhaps her defining role was in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington where she played "Clarissa Saunders".
Dorothy Arzner MP

Dorothy was a female film director in a time where that was UNHEARD of. In fact, she was the first female member of the Director's Guild.
Edward Asner TV

Another former president of the Screen Actors Guild, Anser is famous for his role as Lou Grant and his left win political activism.
Fred Astaire MP

Famous on screen dance partner of Ginger Rogers. His legs were insured for one million dollars. I wonder how that works. If he got a "Charlie horse" or skinned his knee did he get a check for couple thousand bucks? If so, I am insuring my legs.
Nils Asther MP

Born in Sweden, Nils starred in over 70 films from the 20s to the 60s.
Mary Astor MP

Supremely successful film actress who appeared in Maltese Falcon, Meet Me in St. Louis and Fiesta.
Gene Austin Rec

Popular singer in the 20s and 30s, Gene had several hit records including "Take Your Shoes Off, Baby". It is my new favorite song title.
Gene Autry MP
Gene Autry Radio
Gene Autry Rec
Gene Autry TV
Gene Autry LT

The only person to have a Walk of Fame star in all five categories (motion picture, radio, recorded music, television and live theater) Gene was famous for many things. He appeared in my westerns and had the signature song "Back in the Saddle Again". He also owned the California Angels.
Agnes Ayers MP

The Walk of Fame website does it again!! Agnes' last name is actually spelled Ayres. She was an extremely popular silent star of the 1920s. She co-starred with Rudolph Valentino in The Sheik (1921) and The Son of the Sheik. Lew Ayres MP
Lew Ayres Radio
Lew Ayres MP

Famed actor on TV and movies, Lew was most famous for his radio role as Dr. Kildare. He appeared in movies and TV during the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. Today he is buried next to Frank Zappa.

Well, that's the A's. Now we only have 25 letters to go. I should be done around 2023.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

"Pistol" Pez Whatley

Back in the 1980s pro wrestling was very different than it is today.

One of the biggest differences was Saturday morning. Every weekend you would get up and have a variety of wrestling shows to choose from as you ate Fruity Pebbles. It was utopia.

The WWF put on two shows every Saturday. There was Wrestling Challenge hosted by Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon and WWF Superstars hosted by Vince McMahon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Both shows had many differences, Superstar being the more "important" of the two. One thing they both had in common was the jobbers.

"Jobbers" were the wrestlers who were just there to lose. They were also called "stiffs", "slappers" and - the very eloquent - "no name guys".

It wasn't true that they had "no name" it’s just that no one REMEMBERED their names.

Still, they were the WWF’s unsung heroes. They were the ones that got in the ring and let guys like "Macho Man" Randy Savage try out every move they knew on them, never offering much resistance. The matches were completely unfair, but they were great to watch and that was because of how great the jobbers were.

Sure, anyone could lose a wrestling match, but it takes a special talent to go in to the ring lose BIG TIME and make the match look good.

Some of the great jobbers of the 80s were:
"Iron" Mike Sharpe
Tiger Chung Lee
Moondog Spot
"Playboy" Buddy Rose
And
"Pistol" Pez Whatley

Like most of the other jobbers of the day, the names above were all guys who had talent in the ring. Most were stars in other wrestling federations. Still, they decided to walk away from "small-time glory" for a "big-time paycheck".

Pez Whatley was one of my favorites. I am not sure why, but I bet it had something to do with the fact that his name was the same as a candy.

In fact, one of my favorite wrestling moments was when Pez was close-lined by Bret "Hitman" Hart and Bobby Heenan said "Wow! He hit him so hard I expected candy to pop out of his neck."

But "Pistol" Pez Whatley was more than just a man without candy in his neck, he was the first black high school wrestling champion in Tennessee. He later became the first black wrestler at his college, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga.

Like many wrestlers Pez had many in ring names. For starters, his mom didn't name him "Pez" she named him Pezavan. He was born Pezavan Whatley back in 1951. His other ring personas included Shaska Whatley and Willie B. Hurt.

Wow, could you imagine what Abbott and Costello could have done if they had been commentators during his matches?

Costello: What a great match up we have! Hulk Hogan will be facing off with... what is the other wrestler’s name?
Abbott: Willie B. Hurt.
Costello: How can I know if he's going to be hurt?
Abbott: No, that's his name: Willie B. Hurt.
Costello: Are you drunk again?
Abbott: Oh right, now I'm the drunk. You're such a bastard.
Costello: You're calling ME a bastard? After you slept with my wife!
Abbott: Yeah, and she was the worst I ever had.
Costello: Oh that tears it! I'm replacing you with Fatty Arbuckle.
Abbott: Fine and I'm replacing your wife... WITH FATTY ARBUCKLE!

My goodness that would have been funny!

Perhaps Pez's biggest success as a wrestler was his run as NWA Southern Heavyweight champion. He defended the belt against many of the sports big names, losing the title to "Ravishing" Rick Rude.

At then end of his career, Whatley was also one of the trainers at WCW's Power Plant. The Power Plant was not a place where electricity was generated; instead it was a place where future wrestlers were trained.

Imagine what Abbott and Costello could have done with that:

Abbott: Oh, this is the WCW Power Plant.
Costello: So is this the place where all that electricity is generated.
Abbott: Hey! I was supposed to play the dumb guy!
Costello: Are you drunk again?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Me too.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

More Jeffrey Tambor Jokes

A while back I let you in on one of the greatest joys in life... telling jokes about TV's Jeffrey Tambor. That article was such a big hit that within 24 hours of posting it I had over 30 emails in my inbox.


Sure, most of them were trying to sell me an iPod, Viagra and low cost car insurance, and none of them even mentioned Jeffrey Tambor or bunchojunk.com in general, but deep down inside I know they all loved the article, wow, what a run-on sentence I made! I am so proud.

You may remember Jeffrey as "Hank" on The Larry Sanders Show or as "that mean guy who twisted Gonzo's nose" in Muppets from Space.

Here are some jokes about him:

Why did Jeffrey Tambor think his chef was cruel?
-because he whipped the cream and beat the eggs.


What did Jeffrey Tambor call the homeless midget?
-a low down bum.


What did Jeffrey Tambor say to his toilet?
-"you look a little flushed."


Knock knock
-who's there?
Dewey
-Dewey who?
Dewey have time to watch the Jeffrey Tambor film "Malibu's Most Wanted"? That is a funny movie!


Jeffrey Tambor was staying at a posh Beverly Hills hotel when he decided to sunbathe on the roof. Since no one else was around he decided to slip out of his swimsuit to get an all over tan. Suddenly the manager came up to the roof.
"Mr. Tambor" he said "I would like to ask that you keep your swimsuit on as you sunbathe."
"Why" said Jeffrey Tambor "There's no one else up here that can see me."
"That's true" said the manager "but you are lying on the skylight."
Jeffrey Tambor was so embarrassed he jumped off the building and died.
Naked.
THE END (you may laugh now.)


Knock knock
-who's there?
Justin
-Justin who?
Justin the mood for some good music, too bad Jeffrey Tambor doesn't sing.


Why did Jeffrey Tambor wear a helmet to the dinner table?
-because he was on a crash diet.


Knock knock
-who's there?
Stan
-Stan who?
Stan back! Jeffrey Tambor's on a crash diet.


Why does Jeffrey Tambor go to bed?
-because his bed won't come to him.


Knock knock
-who's there?
Arthur
-Arthur who?
Arthur any more funny Jeffrey Tambor jokes?

No, probably not.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Kilroy Was Here

Have you ever heard the phrase “Kilroy Was Here”? I have, I am not sure where, but I bet it was in a Mad Magazine Super Special.

Kilroy was a drawing of a bald man with a big nose looking over a fence. Next to him were the words “Kilroy was here”.

During World War II Kilroy was EVERYWHERE. The phrase became a national joke and soon the cartoon was on patches and book covers across America.

But, how did it start?

To begin with, the cartoon of the bald man was originally British, his name is Mr. Chad. Mr. Chad is older than the Kilroy phrase, but is now forever associated with it.

George Edward Chatterton created Mr. Chad, a little fellow with the catch phrase "Wot, no _____?" The blank would be filled in with the punch line. It must have been fun for Chatterton. Let's try it:

Wot, no dandruff?

Wot, no hamper?

Wot, no Aaron Carter CDs?

Wot, no Jenny from the block?

Wot, no life insurance policy with bad credit?

Wot, no Bea Arthur lap dances?

Wot, no Tony Danza is a dork?

Wot, no I wish my hands were made of candy?

Wot, no I hate people that quote Austin Powers?

Wow, I could do that all day.

In December of 1946, the New York Times, determined James J. Kilroy of Quincy, Massachusetts as THE Kilroy in the phrase. James worked as a steel inspector and wrote "Kilroy was here" on everything he inspected.

Soon, the phrase and Mr. Chad somehow united and it became a favorite graffiti of people everywhere. Mostly, however, "Kilroy was here" is associated with the armed forces as they took Kilroy abroad and it became a pastime to try to write him in the strangest places possible.

Now if only I can get "Wot, no Bea Arthur lap dances?" to become as popular.