Monday, March 28, 2005

Mocking the list:’s Greatest movie bowlers of all time

Yes, it is a list that appeared on THIS site, and yes it deserves to be mocked. Who did I think I was, proclaiming myself an expert on movie bowlers? I am prepared to take myself down a peg.

10. Axel (Chuck Aspegren) - Deer Hunter
Yes, there was bowling in the Deer Hunter. Aspegren, who oddly NEVER ACTED AGAIN, played Axel. Axel is the stand out bowler in the scene due to his commitment to the game. After rolling the ball, Axel chases it down the lane. True, this is not within the rules, but it is funny.

What a start. The first movie bowler is a guy who can’t bowl and possibly couldn’t act.

9. Arnie (Jeremy Piven) - Family Man
Arnie and Jack (Nicolas Cage) are neighbors, and like ALL good neighbors, they bowl together. Arnie has some skills on the lane, but it is his skill OFF the lane that puts him on the list.
Jack is thinking of cheating on his wife, but it is Arnie who talks some sense into him. This Buds for you Arnie!

How clever of me to mention a character no one has ever heard of from a movie no one remembers. Oh, by the way that was sarcasm.

8. Buck Russell (John Candy) - Uncle Buck
Yes, aside from making awesome pancakes, Uncle Buck is a bowler. He takes the kids out for a night at his favorite bowling alley, ensuing another generation of Russell’s will knock down pins.

Are you starting to notice the trend? This isn’t the GREATEST movie bowlers, it’s EVERY movie bowler I could think of listed in some random order.

7. The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo) - Mystery Men
Sure, it is quite a conceit to call yourself THE Bowler, but who can resist a bowling superhero? The Bowler uses her special bowling ball to STRIKE down TURKEYS and SPARE the innocent. Puns are stupid. I am sorry for that whole strike/turkeys/spare sentence.

I am down with any list that includes Janeane Garofalo. This includes the BEST JANEANE GAROFALO MOVIES list and the SUCKIEST JANEANE GAROFALO MOVIES list.

6. Michael J Fox (Daniel McTeague ) - Greedy
A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relative’s money. Michael plays Daniel, a pro bowler.
Too bad he wasn't Marty McFly, then he could have thrown the ball 1.21 jiggowatts faster. Or he could have gone back in time and stopped himself from appearing in The Hard Way.

Well, I do have to give myself credit for this choice and EXTRA credit for not making an Anna Nicole Smith joke after the line “A film about a bunch of people trying to get a dying relative’s money”. Well played, me, well played.

5. Head Pin Pal (Monti Ellison) - Six-String Samurai
In one of the greatest movies no one ever saw, Buddy is on his way to Vegas to be crowned King. Heavy Metal, is doing everything he can to stop him. Three of the goons that Heavy sends after Buddy are the Pin Pals.
The Pin Pals conceal knives in their bowling pins, so they are always ready to rumble.
Of the three Pin Pals, it is the head Pin Pal who is most intimidating with his shaved head and bad attitude.
When he sees Buddy's suit he udders the words no one will ever forget.
Head Pin Pal: Nice tuxedo. Nice tuxedo to die in.

If I do one thing with this list, I hope I get people to see THIS fine, underrated film. If I do TWO things I hope I can get people to give me free money.

4. The Dude (Jeff Bridges) - The Big Lebowski
As laid back as a La-z-boy recliner (in the reclined position, or turned on it's side) The Dude is the perfect counterpart to Walter's uptight bowling prowess.
Ever the underachiever, the Dude would be more comfortable at number four than number one, and that is where he is.
Sure, he may have been willing to bend the rules for Smokey, but you gotta love a guy who listens to audiotapes of bowling matches.

The Dude abides, and so do I.

3. Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) - Kingpin
So what if his name is slang for loser. So what if he loses the big game. Roy, is a LIKEABLE LOSER. You root for him, even though he always lets you down. It's like being a Milwaukee Brewers fan (if there is such a thing.)

Perhaps the best bowling comedy ever made. Glad to see it made my list.

2. Donny (Steve Buscemi) - The Big Lebowski
The Dude was the star of the story, but Donny was the star of the team. Bucking conventional wisdom Donald adopts the nickname Donnie, but opts for the Swedish spelling 'Donny.' Thus, he gets to correct people who misspell his name all the time. Donny throws the ball hard, as he so eloquently puts it 'I am throwing rocks, tonight.'
Sure, he gets John Lennon confused with Vladimir Lenin, but who among us HASNT? Can you honestly say that you have not heard Let It Be on the radio and asked yourself "Is this the Beatles? Or that guy who split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party in 1918?" I bet you cannot.
Donny throws strikes throughout the movie, but at the end, he misses. Soon, Donny dies of a heart attack. If only his heart were as big as his bowling ball. Of course, that kind of anomaly would probably have killed him sooner.

Note to self, begin work on the bowling ball heart invention immediately. Later, use it to rule the world (or at least use it when I split with the Left Social Revolutionaries and renamed the Bolsheviks the Russian Communist Party.)

1. Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) - The Flintstones
Old 'Twinkle Toes Flintstones' tops the list. Were you expecting anyone else? Fred, the predecessor to Homer Simpson, is possibly the greatest bowler that ever lived.
Playing alongside his Water Buffalo brethren, Fred took the sport to a new level. Always bowling on his tippy toes, Fred knocks 'em down like few others.
Plus, if he is stuck with a 7-10 split, he can make the ball split halfway down the lane to get both pins.

Fine choice to put Fred on top. Overall the list was actually pretty good. Funny and full of references to some great films that I had forgotten about. Still, I don’t think I could think of one more bowling movie if I tried for a week.
That will change when documentaries are made about my secret bowling ball heart.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Instrumental Lyrics

There are many great TV theme songs that are instrumentals. Often we are able to remember them BETTER than some of the songs that have lyrics.

I picked out four of the greatest for us to take a look at.

1. The “Andy Griffith Show” theme: This is as upbeat a tune as any whistled track in history. It’s probably the very first song anyone would whistle if they were asked to whistle.
2. The “I Love Lucy” theme: A fine example of a great theme song. It is short but very memorable.
3. “The Musters” theme: Who doesn’t love this song! It is one of the coolest TV theme songs imaginable and it has become a Halloween staple.
4. The “M*A*S*H” theme: A somber tune that set the tone of this dramatic comedy.

These are all great songs WITHOUT lyrics, but did you know that they all HAD lyrics? Yup all four of these themes had lyrics at some point! Let’s take a look:

The “Andy Griffith Show” theme: Actually called “The Fishin’ Hole” this tune was composed by Herbert W. Spencer and Earle H. Hagen. Hagen is also the one that does the whistling on the track.
The tune is simple and its reference to ‘the fishin’ hole’ is appropriate. In the opening sequence Andy and Opie are walking to the pond with their fishing rods in hand.

It’s funny to look back at little Ron Howard playing Opie. Who would have guessed that a few decades later he would be wearing a baseball cap constantly to conceal his bald head?

The Andy Griffith Show Theme Song Lyrics
Well, now, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole.
We may not get a bite all day, but don't you rush away.

What a great place to rest your bones and mighty fine for skippin' stones,
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade, a-settin' in the shade.

Whether it's hot,
Whether it's cool,
Oh what a spot,
for whistlin' like a fool.

What a fine day to take a stroll and wander by The Fishin' Hole.
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

We'll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin' Hole.
There'll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.

If we don't hook a perch or bass, we'll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw, and maybe set and jaw.

Hangin' around,
takin' our ease,
watchin' that hound,
a-scratchin' at his fleas.

Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole.
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.

Isn’t that a sweet tune? I do feel bad for Old Dog Trey, however, with his flea infestation. Other than that it’s a great song and I am glad I know the lyrics. Now I can sing them whenever someone starts whistling and maybe a third person could join in playing the mouth harp. Then we could become a smash hit all around the nation until the mouth harpist chokes on a ham sandwich. That would break our spirit and spell the end of the band.

The “I Love Lucy” theme: The lyrical version is actually featured in a famous episode of the show. Ricky sings it to Lucy and then they hug, kiss and go home to sleep in separate twin beds. The first verse is not in the instrumental version we hear in most syndicated airings of the show.

I Love Lucy Theme Song Lyrics
There's a certain couple that I know.
They're strictly lovebirds,
A pair of turtle dove birds.
He's a guy who wants the world to know.
So ev'ry day
You'll hear him say

I Love Lucy and she loves me,
We're as happy as two can be,
sometimes we quarrel but then,
How we love making up again.

Lucy kisses like no one can,
She's my missus and I'm her man,
And life is heaven you see,
Cause I Love Lucy,
Yes I Love Lucy,
and Lucy loves me.

Wonderful tune, I bet you will never hear the instrumental version again without subconsciously sticking these words into it.

“The Musters” theme: Robert Mosher, the producer of the show, originally penned the song with lyrics. It was deemed, however, that the tune was catchier WITHOUT the words. The vocal version was later released on a children's album.

The Munsters Theme Song Lyrics
When you are walking down the street at night
And behind you there’s no one in view.
But you hear mysterious feet at night,
then the Munsters are following you.

If you should meet this strange family
just forget what some people have said,
the Munsters may shake your hand clammily
but they’re not necessarily dead.

Behind their house you mustn’t be afraid
to see a figure digging with a spade.
Perhaps someone didn't quite make the grade
with the Munsters, with the Munsters.

If when you're sleeping you dream a lot,
ghoulish nightmares parade through your head,
and then you wake up and scream a lot,
oh the Munsters are under your bed.

At midnight if creatures should prowl about,
and if vampires and vultures swoop down.
And werewolves and fiends shriek and howl about,
oh The Munsters are out on the town.

One night I dared peak through their window screen,
my hair turned white at such a crazy scene.
Because every evening it’s Halloween
at the Munsters, at the Munsters.

Jeez! I understand why they didn’t use these! My favorite part is when there is a guy digging a grave for someone who dared to cross The Musters. Butch Patrick who was one of the child stars of the show later recorded a version of the song on a solo album he recorded.

The “M*A*S*H” theme: Many people are familiar with this one. It was featured in the film that preceded the series and received a good amount of radio play. Still, it is surprisingly grim for a show that was so funny. The song was called “Suicide is Painless”.

M*A*S*H Theme Song Lyrics
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows it grin, but...

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
'is it to be or not to be'
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you choose

So, what did we learn today:

1. Never judge a song by it’s instrumental
2. Never dismiss Butch Patrick
3. Never trust a man with a mouth harp

See ya at the fishin’ hole!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Burger King's Left Handed Whopper

On April 1st, 1998 Burger King ran a full page ad in the USA Today. The ad advertised the "Left-Handed Whopper".

 The sandwich didn't actually exist; it was just an April Fool's Day joke.

Taking a full page advertisement in USA Today as a joke was a very risky proposition. For starters, few of the people that purchase USA Today can actually read. Second thing, the ad was mocking both left-handers and anyone naive enough to fall for the hoax.

The hoax worked out to be a minor success, generating much more publicity than a usual ad would garner. The joke ad was covered by other media outlets including television stations, radio and other newspapers. I'm sure that USA today also did a pie chart of some kind the next day.

The ad said this new Whopper was made of the same ingredients as the regular Whopper: lettuce, tomato, artificial cow meat, etc.

The difference was that this Whopper "all condiments rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of the burger."

Burger King's senior VP of marketing said "We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to order our flagship WHOPPER sandwich. Now we are offering 1,025 ways. It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY' for our left-handed customers,"

I doubted his claim of 1,024 ways and assumed that the claim was also part of the hoax. Instead I found that they DO have a list of 1,024 ways that you can order a Whopper. Here are some of the entries:

12. You can order it from a girl.
87. You can spit when you talk as you order it.
301. You can order it and then realize you forgot your wallet in the car and then ask them to wait for you.
478. You can order a Big Mac and then we the cashier tells you that McDonalds sells THAT sandwich you can say "OK, I will have a Whopper, then."

Yeah, you really get to have it YOUR way.

The next day Burger King put out a follow up ad explaining the prank. They also said that many people showed up at the restaurant looking for the sandwich. They also got some people ordering a "right handed version".

I think I found my TARGET AUDIENCE!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

You say tomato... I also say tomato: THE CRITERION EDITION

Get ready for some fun! I have completely re-mastered and spell checked the article You say tomato... I also say tomato. This article was originally posted in June of 2004. For this special Criterion Edition I have added the following:

-Directors commentary
-Photo Gallery
-Behind the scenes
-Deleted scenes

You say to-may-to, say tom-mah-to?
No, I say to-may-to.
Seriously, no one says to-mah-to. We all say to-may-to. It is one of the stupidest expressions there is. Po-tah-to? Who could say that with a straight face?

-Directors commentary
Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: This was an interesting opening. I am sure there are people who actually say "to-mah-to" but I have never met them or seen them on TV. Secretly I envy them.

"This is like taking candy from a baby." I never understood this one. Granted, babies are easy marks. They are easily distracted, and simple to overpower. But, CANDY? They LOVE candy! If you take candy from a baby they will cry and cry. Then their mommy will yell at you and hit you with her purse, then Wal-Mart security comes over and throws you out of the store and the guy sitting at the table collecting money for disabled veterans makes fun of you. Or so I heard.
So out of ALL the things one could take from a baby, CANDY is the hardest. The expression should be "this is like taking an application for a title loan extension from a baby."
That would be EASY! Babies have no need for a title loan. Plus they have no sense of TIME so they would never know that they were late and needed an extension.

-Photo Gallery

"This is selling like hotcakes." I know this was covered in a previous junk. It is still worth mentioning how stupid it is. HOTCAKES? I never saw them sell with any speed. I have not seen people lined up to buy hotcakes, or pancakes, or griddle cakes, or flapjacks, or a short stack, or an application for a title loan extension.

-Directors commentary
Sweetie Guy Hutchinson: Oh check out the 'call back' on that title loan extension! That was really clever!
Also covered in a previous junk is the expression "piece of cake" or "easy as pie" or "that donut is a hussy." I think this should be replaced by "easy as falling asleep during the movie Lost In Translation."

Behind the scenes-
When Sweetie was writing this post the film "Lost In Translation" was still a relatively new film. The film starred Bill Murray and was a critical success. Sweetie, however, was not a fan of the films slow pace and ambiguous ending.
I have decided to create my own, original, old sayings:
"Don't use a toilet, unless you are prepared to flush it."
"Mondays are like boomerangs. No matter how hard you throw them they still come back to you."
"I hate Rita's Water Ice."

Abe Lincoln: Known for leading the country through the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States. His eloquence is evident in many speeches including his most famous one, the Gettysburg Address. His second inaugural address, which includes the phrase, "With malice toward none; with charity for all..." is inscribed on one wall of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.
I feel these sayings will take off, and replace the useless old, old sayings.

-Deleted Scenes
Originally the line "What's the deal with Grape Nuts- no grapes, no nuts!" Appeared in the second paragraph. Then it was brought to Sweetie's attention that he didn't make that line up he just stole it from a "Saturday Night Live" sketch.

Also, the end of the post used to feature three more new sayings:
-I can't believe it's not hand cream!
-Isn't Kirby Puckett dreamy?
-There has never been a book that didn't need an author.
These expressions were cut in the interest of space.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd Rap

Brace yourself; this may be the worst song EVER.

Ugh. Back in the late 1980s there was a wave of nostalgia for 1950s television shows. Shows like "The Donna Reed Show" and "Mister Ed" were played often on Nick at Night and other venues.

Someone decided to take this one step further.

They decided to make "Dragnet" a movie. On the surface it sounded like a good idea. Then someone decided it should be a comedy.

I don't want to be too hard on this movie. It is actually pretty funny, but it was a disappointment to anyone who wanted to see something that resembled the TV show.

In the film Joe Friday, played BRILLIANTLY by Dan Akyroyd, is teamed with a young cop named Pep Streebeck, played by Tom Hanks (I refuse to write "BRILLIANTLY" more than once a day.)
The two cops deal with the standard 'odd couple' format and a few cop movie clichés as they investigate a series of strange crimes.

A group named PAEGAN (People against Goodness and Normalcy) has been doing things like stealing giant snakes, showing up to court in their pajamas and putting wine in Diet Pepsi cans.

It is up to Friday and Streebeck to stop them.

The plot is bizarre but the jokes are fast and funny. Despite taking a completely different approach to the characters, the film does tip its hat to the original actors. Actor Harry Morgan has a cameo and the late Jack Webb is shown in a photo in one scene. The other guys who played Friday's partners on TV and radio do not get a tip of the film's hat. The film did try to shake a bit of dandruff on them, but that never worked out.

It should be noted that this film isn't the most recent version of Dragnet. There was a Dragnet series in 2003 and another one on TV back in the early 1990s. There have been so many versions of Dragnet over the past 50 years that I am not going to bother to count them.

However, THIS version has one thing going for it that no other version does: a stupid rap song.


This is the city; it’s a city of crime. My name is Friday, I carry a badge.
3:15am Thursday January 15th. It was chilly that morning in the City of Angels.
On this particular occasion we happened to witness a pagan ritual in progress.

This open is spoken deadpan just like the opening of the show. Then it goes horribly wrong.

Dan Akyroyd starts rapping.
See that Streebeck, we’re just in time – we have stumbled into a major crime

They got the girl all fright! Now that’s not nice, I think she is the subject of a sacrifice!

Buddy, we’re putting this party on ice

But first we ought to read 'em their rights

Hanks is no KRS One here, either. He just shouts his lines with a voice inflection that makes Fran Dresher sound adorable.
Plus "they got the girl all fright"???? That has to be the worst thing I have read since that bad dandruff joke.
Read ‘em their rights, read ‘em their rights

Well I’m here tonight to rap about your rights, 'cause right now you’re in trouble!
Don’t have to say nothin’ at all, you all got two calls and you’d better make ‘em on the double!

This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!

The chorus seems REALLY out of place and the "step out of line" and "pray your judge is kind" lines are downright unintelligible.

You’re a dangerous mob and it is our job to bust you all for being violent
While you are here let’s make it clear

You have the right to remain silent!

Well excuse me copper, Mr. Crimestopper, what is wrong with what we’re doing?
We just like to dance in our goatskin pants around this ancient ruin

Now not so funny, that it costs big money to hire a lawyer

It’s my duty to inform you and my pleasure to warn you

We’ll provide one for ya!

Friday & Streebeck:

I hope you’re laughing at that punch line. That's the best you are gonna get in this song.
This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!

Now you know what you’ve been doing is a serious crime

And you'll probably be doin’ some serious time

In case you might be worried about the friends you will lose

At least they get to see you on the evening news!

It’s a new sensation

We’re go down to the station

You’re going to answer some questions

And have some refreshments!

I think the "refreshments" line is supposed to be REALLY funny. It doesn't fit the rhyme scheme and Hanks says it with the glee of a four year old telling his first 'Knock knock' joke.
What is your full name? What were you doing on January 15th of this year?
All we want is the truth, mister. What were you doing in the location in question?
What is the purpose of your pagan organization?

Whoa! You can't pin nothing on me copper!
Well excuse me! Excuse me, don’t use or abuse or refuse me
It’s no joke, I’m broke and my rights I can and will invoke!
I’m homely, and I’m lonely but the state cannot disown me!
It’s aint funny, I might want money to take home to my honey

I LOVE THIS CRIMINAL GUY! I don't know why Eminem starred in "8 Mile" and NOT this guy! He would have been AWESOME!

This is a city of crime
Don’t step out of line!
This is a city of crime
You’d better just pray your judge is kind!

In case you don't agree with my methodology, I like to do things my way.

Don't get memory loss about who's the boss.

Tony Danza. I wish I COULD forget.
Don't forget my name is-


I'm the man of the hour.

The tower of power.

The arm of the law.

The very last straw.

I'm on the side of the right.

A Trojan white knight

For some reason we get into some SEROIUS butt kissing from Streebeck at this point. Plus Friday's ego has gotten WAAAAAAYYY outta control.
If you get me uptight I am

a frightful sight.

I'm as strong as the army

you know you can't harm me

coming down like a hammer

Friday & Streebeck:
get ready for slammer.

You can listen to this (if you DARE) by clicking HERE. You can also watch the trailer by clicking here.

Monday, March 21, 2005


Nebraska means “flat water”.
It is taken from an Indian word that was used to describe the Nebraska’ Platte River.

Still, there is more to Nebraska than “flat water” or the fact that the word “bras” is hidden in it's English name. Nebraska is one of America’s leading farming states.

Nebraska became a territory on May 30, 1854 as part of the Kansas-Nebraska Act. This means that Nebraska shares its birthday with Kansas. It also shares its birthday with Wynonna Judd and the voice of Bugs Bunny.

Still it didn’t become a state until after the Civil War. Upon statehood, the capital was moved from Omaha to Lancaster. Lancaster was later renamed Lincoln after some guy named Lincoln.

Nebraska was the state that started Arbor Day. From what I hear, it started when two people were arguing about the merits of Valentines Day. One of them said “A holiday just so I have to give a gift to the old lady? I would rather have a holiday for… THAT TREE OVER THERE!”

The National Arbor Day Foundation is headquartered in Nebraska City. Every year they have a conference to try out new ideas for Arbor Day.

Idea number one: What if we start an initiative to make giant beds for trees so they can sleep at night?
Idea number two: A pay per view fundraiser featuring that tree monster from Lord of the Rings fighting Al Gore.
Idea number three: Virtual trees.

Usually they just give up and stick to the standard “plant trees” plan.

Nebraska has a very unique state legislature. In fact there is not another like it in the United States. They have a unicameral legislature. Every one else has something different. I am not sure what “unicameral” means. Maybe they all share a camera or something like that. I’m not sure. I hope you didn’t come here to learn, there are other places where you can do that. I wish I was still writing about the voice of Bugs Bunny.

Nebraska is bordered by South Dakota, Iowa, and Missouri, Kansas and Wyoming. Sometimes the Governors of those states will make a conference call to the Governor of Nebraska. Than they all shout “we’ve got you surrounded!” Then they all laugh and laugh- until someone brings up the unicameral legislature. After that it’s usually several minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Nebraska is also the name of a Bruce Springsteen album. It is assumed that the state came first.

Kool-Aid was created by in Nebraska by Edwin Perkins. After he created it a friend asked “What will you call this drink?”
“Kool-Aid” he replied. Then a giant walking pitcher broke down the wall of the building, causing the foundation to collapse. Edwin and his friend were killed instantly. OH YEAH!

Among the famous people born in Nebraska are President Gerald R. Ford, Vice President Dick Cheney, Malcolm X, Fred Astaire, Marlon Brando, Johnny Carson, Dick Cavett, Montgomery Clift, and Henry Fonda.

It is safe to say that without Nebraska the world would be a much less interesting place.

Friday, March 18, 2005

The history of the Pager

Ahhh, the pager. It's still around, but not in the same way it was about 10 years ago. Back in the heyday of the pager, EVERYONE had one.

A pager is "a dedicated RF (radio frequency) device that allows the pager user to receive messages broadcast on a specific frequency over a special network of radio base stations." In other words "blah blah blah, blabaty blah blah. Blah blah, I hate rotary dial phones."

The pager was invented WAY back in 1921 for the police department in Detroit. 28 years later, a man named Al Gross patented the device and it was put to work by other police departments and hospitals. However the device did not win approval until 1958. By that point Al Gross had moved from inventing to his other love, ballroom dancing.

Al was as graceful as a swan. He could maneuver around the dance floor like nobody else. It was no surprise to Al when the Coconut Hat Lounge invited him to be a "paid dancer."

The "paid dancer" or cashdancer was a very popular occupation back in early fifties. Nightclub owners would pay them to 'cut a rug' thus encouraging others to come out and do the same.

This occupation was the subject of many TV shows and movies at the time including the famous "I Love Lucy" episode "Lucy Wants to be a Cashdancer".

Here is an excerpt from that show:

RICKY: Dios mios Lucy! You can't be in the show!
LUCY: But I gotta be in the show.
RICKY: Nope.
LUCY: Then I’m gonna start cheating on you again!
RICKY: ¡Maldígale mujer! ¡Deseo que acababa de casar Greta Grabo!

Anyway, the word "pager" was first used in 1959 by Motorola. The first consumer pager was introduced by Motorola. It was very large. If you ever see the movie "Casino", there is a scene where Robert Deniro gives one of these large pagers to Sharon Stone. There is also a scene where Deniro wears a pair of Mr. Magoo glasses. That was a funny movie.

The pager grew in popularity and by 1980 over 3 million were in use worldwide. The range was not very good, so they were primarily used by companies to page employees while on a particular site.

During the next ten years "wide-area paging" was developed. This meant that people could be paged virtually anywhere. By 1994 there were over 60 million pagers in use.

By 1990, wide-area paging had been invented and over 22 million pagers were in use. By 1994, there were over 61 million pagers in use and pagers became popular for personal use.

It was around this time that the term "beeper" became an alternate word for pager. The "pager vs. beeper" debate raged for over 8 years resulting in at least 20 deaths.

The pager of the 1990's has been slowly disappearing during the past ten years. It had a pretty simple purpose: when someone called your pager number they would push buttons on their phone and those numbers would be quickly transmitted to the pager. The pager would then beep (or vibrate, if you had one of the better pagers) and the number would appear on their display. Then the user could either call them back, or ignore them completely. It was the golden age of communication.

In addition to typing their phone number, the person sending the page could send little code messages to the pager. These included:

080808 - Kisses and hugs.

411 - I need information

10-4 - Is everything OK?

121 - I need to talk to you alone.

143 - I love you.

1776 - You're revolting.

5-0 - Let's go to Hawaii.

32 - I bought an O.J. Simpson jersey

54 - I'm watching the movie 54 starring Mike Myers.

054 - God this movie sucks.

1-8-4-6 - I ate for six (only used by women pregnant with quintuplets.)

789 - Used as a punch line to the joke "why is 6 afraid of 7?".

After the advent of affordable cell phones, pager use dropped. Really creepy "pager stores" shut down and were replaced with creepier "check cashing stores".

Then, new pagers were invented with the ability to send text and more from one pager to another.

How much longer will the pager survive? Time only knows.


Thursday, March 17, 2005

Mocking the List: ESPN.COM's Top Sports Movie Quotes

Interesting list someone sent me off ESPN.COM.

It was written by Paul Katcher (or would that be COMPILED by Paul Katcher??) and it features almost ALL of the memorable sports quotes ever uttered.

There were some rules, so before we start whining about what is missing, let's take a look at the rules.

1. Quotes must be sports-related, though they don't have to come from a "sports movie." So the "It must be take a worm for a walk week" line in "The Karate Kid" doesn't qualify because Daniel-san wasn't in the process of getting his head bashed in at the time. But the diving scenes in "Back to School" count.

2. Some deserving quotes have been omitted based on the inappropriate nature of the comments. No doubt, those omissions will lead to reader feedback peppered with four-letter words and insults.

3. Real-life quotes are allowed if they made it into long-beloved movies, such as Lou Gehrig's speech in "The Pride of the Yankees." But Al Michaels' "Do you believe in miracles?" doesn't count.

4. No more than three quotes allowed from any one movie. This was a nearly impossible task for "Caddyshack" and, unfortunately, "Be the ball" is on the outside looking in.

That sounds fair (although #3 seems like a bit of a grey area.

Count 'em down:

50. "I sure miss playing basketball. I got depressed as hell when my athlete's foot and jock itch went away."
Breaking Away

Ewww. Only one quote in and I'm grossed out. Good thing this wasn't "Top Grossest Film Quotes".

That was pretty stupid of me to say. I ask that it be stricken from the record.
49. "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure."
Chariots of Fire

48. "Hey, unless you're gonna kiss me, get your hands off my ass."
Any Given Sunday

47. "I was crippled for the rest of my life. I got better. He made me better. Hell, you made me better."

46. [Ed Rooney learns the score of the baseball game is nothin'-nothin'.] "Who's winning?"
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Oh that Ed Rooney. What a card. When you are on the screen WE ARE ALL WINNERS!
45. "Uh, Lord, hallowed be thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is — she kept calling your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. OK, that's it."
A League of Their Own

44. "People always say to me, 'When you get to the NBA, don't forget about me.' Well, I should've said back, 'If I don't make it to the NBA, don't you forget about me.' "
Hoop Dreams

43. "You never played for Charlie Comiskey."
Eight Men Out

Yeah, that Comiskey is a real jerk. He probably doesn't even know "who's winning".
42. "If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says. At the end of the game, in my book, we're gonna be winners."

41. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
The Pride of the Yankees

Sure ya do. Because you get to watch Ed Rooney.
40. "In case you haven't noticed — and, judging by the attendance, you haven't — the Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."
Major League

39. "You're 5 foot nothin', 100 and nothin' and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football team in the land for two years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself."

38. "I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool."
Rocky III

Ahhhh, my all time favorite! Should be #1. My other favorite Rocky III is "I'm gonna crucify him, real bad."
37. "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly! You ugly! Yo momma said you ugly!"

36. "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."
Tin Cup

35. "Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn't let them down, because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn't one more thing that you could've done. Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart? If you can do that, gentlemen, then you're perfect."
Friday Night Lights

34. "Billy, listen to me. White men can't jump."
White Men Can't Jump

Don't say that to Ed Rooney! He'll jump over your silly but, he will.
33. "Hey, Yankees, you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!"
The Bad News Bears

32. "Put it in the face!"
Coming to America

31. "Sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."
Knute Rockne, All-American

It's cool that Ronald Reagan's George Gipp made the list. Very cool!
30. "So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

29. "I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, 'Sorry, guys, I gotta see about a girl.' "
Good Will Hunting

Ugh, Robin Williams made this list! That is so wrong.
28. "The price is wrong, b*tch!"
Happy Gilmore

27. "I enjoy watching football in the afternoon. One of the things I love about this country. Baseball, too. I love baseball ever since Arnold Rothstein fixed the World Series in 1919."
The Godfather Part II

26. "If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!"
Ace Ventura

25. "... Whose bright strips and broad stars, in the perilous night. O'er the ramparts we watched, as the da da da da da da. And the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air ..."
The Naked Gun

This movie made me appreciate the fine comedy of one O.J. Simpson! I have been forever grateful.
24. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change."
Rocky IV

23. "There will be an additional springboard installed for Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy!"
Back to School

22. "Get him a body bag, yeaaahhh!"
The Karate Kid

21. "Which brings me to my second point, kids. Don't do crack."
The Waterboy

20. "What about Brett Fav-ruh?"
There's Something About Mary

19. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for SuperFan99 over here."

18. "Jocks only think about sports. Nerds only think about sex."
Revenge of the Nerds

And they think about Ed Rooney. Just not at the same time.
17. "Mike Eruzione! Winthrop, Massachusetts! I play for the United States of America!"

16. "Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live ... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present."
Bull Durham

15. "Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool."
The Hustler

14. "There's one thing I want you to do for me. Win. Win!"
Rocky II

13. "Pick me out a winner, Bobby."
The Natural

12. "Noonan!"

11. "If you build it, he will come."
Field of Dreams

10. "You're gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!"

Also would have made my "Top Grossest Film Quotes" list.

Uh, let me strike that one, too.
9. "Oh, there they go. There they go. Every time I start talkin' 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano!"
Coming to America

8. "You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!"
Bull Durham

7. "There's no crying in baseball!"
A League of Their Own

6. "Sweep the leg."
The Karate Kid

5. "I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes."

4. "Juuuust a bit outside!"
Major League

3. "Show me the money!"
Jerry Maguire

Uh.... nah, it's too easy.
2. "You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it. It was you, Charley."
On The Waterfront

1. "Yo, Adrian!"

Yo indeed.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Ray Parker Jr. and Ghostbusters

Ray Parker Jr. was born May 1, 1954, in Detroit, MI. He started his music career as a session musician working with such notables as the Temptations and Stevie Wonder.

His first record, Raydio (1978), went gold, climbing to number eight R&B. He continued making music and hit number one with "A Woman Needs Love" in 1981.

Parker's biggest hit was "Ghostbusters". The song went to number one on the R&B chart for two weeks and topped the pop chart for three weeks. Parker was then sued by Huey Lewis for copyright infringement. Lewis claimed that "Ghostbusters" was a rip-off of his song, "I Want a New Drug." The two settled out-of-court. In 2001 Lewis discussed the matter on VH1, violating the terms of the agreement, and was sued by Parker.

After Ghostbusters, Ray worked behind the scenes producing songs for New Edition and Deniece Williams. On his website it says he is planning on going back to the studio again soon. It also appears that the statement was made in 1998, leaving me to question my interpretation of "soon" (Bunch O Junk will be funny... SOON!)

Regardless of what happens in the future, Ray Parker Jr. will most likely still be best known for "Ghostbusters". The song was a huge hit and had a very popular video.

The video showed Parker (looking like a queer Billy Dee Williams) chasing a model around an apartment. The apartment was affixed with tons of neon lights and wherever she turned THERE WAS RAY PARKER JR.!!!

Ray was in her closet, under her bed and at the top of her stairs. It was terrifying.

The video also featured some clips of the "Ghostbusters" including some painful-to-watch clips of Bill Murray break dancing. The video ended with a series of bizarre cameos.

Every time Ray said "who you gonna call" they would cut to a celebrity mouthing the words "Ghostbusters". Among the celebrities were George Wendt, John Candy, Chevy Chase and John Candy. It was surreal.

Let us take a good look at the song:


If there's something strange in your neighborhood
Who you gonna call?

Uh, this is a bit dumb. I would maybe call the police before Ghostbusters. Wouldn't the "degree of strangeness" be a factor in deciding weather to call Ghostbusters?
If there's something weird and it don't look good
Who you gonna call?

See what I mean?

JOE: Hey that's weird, our neighbor painted his front door green. That doesn't look good at all.
JANE: It's WEIRD and IT DON'T LOOK GOOD? We better call Ghostbusters!
JOE: It DOESN'T look good, not it DON'T look good. You talk like such an idiot sometimes!
JANE: At least I'm not the one who's sleeping with "his personal assistant".
JOE: SECRETARY, you idiot! This is 1984! They won't be called "personal assistants" for another decade.
JANE: Oh, right. So do we call Ghostbusters?
JOE: Nah. I got a better idea. Let's just take our frustrations out on our neighbor.
JANE: Yeah! We can repaint the door red- with his BLOOD!

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

If you're seeing things running through your head
Who can you call?
An invisible man sleeping in your bed
Oh, who you gonna call?

Again, these do not seem like good reasons to call the Ghostbusters. First off, if things are RUNNING THROUGH your head they aren't ghosts, that’s just called "thinking". Second if you SEE an invisible man in your bed, he is VISIBLE. You have a man in your bed. Deal with it.

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Who you gonna call?
If you're all alone, pick up the phone
And call

So, just call them ANYTIME? No reason needed? Are they just a bunch of lonely guys who need to talk to other lonely people?
I ain't afraid of no ghost
I hear it likes the girls
I ain't afraid of no ghost
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Huh? Who likes the girls? The ghost? Or the visible guy in your bed? Who are we talking about?
Who you gonna call?
If you've had a dose of a freaky ghost
You'd better call

A dose of "freaky ghost"? Unless that’s the name of a new vitamin from the Flintstones people, I don't want a dose.
Let me tell you something
Bustin' makes me feel good

Too much information, Ray, WAY too much.
I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost

Don't get caught alone, oh no
When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more
I think you better call

Unless you just want some more? What the heck is he babbling about?
Who you gonna call
Who you gonna call
I can't hear you

Oh, I get it! He is at the end of the song, so he is just filling space to make the record over 2 minutes. Well done Ray, well done.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

H and Some

Once again I went to the dollar store and found ANOTHER great superhero.

Handsome Appearance.


That has to be the coolest name ever for a robot toy. Strange, but super cool!

My guess is that the makers of the fine toy, Star Brite of China, didn't realize that HANDSOME is one word so they spelled it as three separate words. They even put them in different colors.

Now, you might notice a similarity between Handsome and The Transformers. He looks a little like Optimus Prime. One big difference, Handsome doesn't transform.

But to be honest, why mess with perfection? If you looked this good why would you want to change?

Actually, now that I think of it, WHY did ANY of The Transformers ever change?
They are always changing into some mundane piece of electronics that pales when compared to their regular shape. Let’s take a look at some of their shape-shifting choices:

A car or A BIG ROBOT

A dump truck or A BIG ROBOT

A cassette player or A BIG FRIGGIN ROBOT


Handsome does have a neat little feature, his chest lights up. A little LED light, activated by a button on his back.

Also Handsome has a number 8 on his chest. This is because of his endless devotion to Dale Ernhardt Jr.

On the right hand side of the package is drawing of Handsome holding his shield and sword. For some reason he is depicted in all silver, rather than the red, white and yellow that he actually wears.

What I find more interesting than his color scheme is the fact that he carries a sword and a shield. HE'S A FUTURISTIC ROBOT! He carries weapons like he's an extra in a bad gladiator film. He has a missile strapped to his side, but he chooses to use the weapons from the days of yore.

The final mark of a TRUE dollar store hero is the "copyright infringement". It seems at first glance that there is NONE one Handsome. But a close look at his shield reveals...

...part of the logo of the Bruce Willis film, The Fifth Element. Way to represent, Handsome.

Still, he may wear the "Fifth" on his shield, but he wears the "8" on his heart.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Matthew Lesko

Whooo hoooo! I LOVE THIS GUY!

You may have seen this guy on TV late at night. He hosts an infomercial where he jumps around in The Riddler's costume screaming about how you can get money from the government.

He sells a series of books that can help you get government grants for unusual stuff. Here are some of the things he claims you can get out of his book.

$30K - go to school in Hawaii
$43K free - become a French chef
$100K - open a country inn
$30K - become a grizzly bear tagger

No kidding. I think I would be UNDERPAID if I had to tag GRIZZLY BEARS for just $30K!
That just sounds dangerous!
Could I get $30K for picking fights with ninjas? Or sharing a pillow with a death row inmate?
$70K free - study arts management
$50K - edit science magazines at home
$2K free - study storytelling

Study storytelling? Let us take a look at that class:

TEACHER: And the little pig went tritty trot trot. The End.
STUDENT: That was interesting.
TEACHER: What did your studying teach you.
STUDENT: I like ham.

$20K - produce a school TV show for kids
$75K - renovate an old house
$100K free - start a day care center
$5K grant to train your employees
$60K free - open an amusement center

I could try this!

Guy's Amusement Center
(Located in the El Segundo Mall)
Price list of amusing things:
$5 Guy will tickle you (this offer does not apply to Ed the Mall Security Guard. (You know why, Ed.)
$10 Guy will hit you in the face with a pie.
$100 We lock the doors and you are free to amuse yourself

$210K - work on your invention
$25K - start a consulting business
$5K - work with an artist $10K to read poetry
$25K free - start a messenger service
$260K - begin an exercise gym
$205K - start a car wash
$535K - open a motel

But it will cost you $50 to open a hotel and walk in on Matthew and Mrs. Lesko.
$67K free - start a cleaners
$65K - begin a weight loss business
$60K - open a billiard parlor
$125K - begin an auto repair shop
$100K free - found a pizza shop
$60K free - start a bakery
$12K - cut hair

What he DOESN'T tell you is that you will be cutting hair OFF LESKO'S BACK!
$300K - start a brewery
$30K free - make videos
$12K - make crafts
$25K - sell shirts
$100K free - create marble sculpture

Yeah, Matt is full of great deals.


Matthew's grew up in Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. He went to college in Milwaukee, then went to Vietnam. Yep. I can imagine the fear in the eyes of the Viet Cong as they were frantically greeted by Matthew Lesko. He then got a master's degree and became a management consultant.
He would help Fortune 500 companies uncover information. But then he had a BRILLIANT IDEA. He could make a suit out of question marks.

The rest was history.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Doing time on eBay

Yes, eBay is a good place to find ANYTHING. I should know in the past, I found a magazine about a boy and his dead turkey, a skeleton belt buckle, a candle shaped like a margarita and a myraid of Christmas themed pandas.

Today, it's prison that I am interested in. Yes, I want to own a piece of our justice system. I want something that I can look at every day to remind me to walk the straight and narrow. I am sure that can be found on eBay!

Item #1 Joey Goes to Jail (DVD) New Sealed:

This looks promising. Perhaps it's a feature based on the hit NBC show 'Friends'. Maybe one day Joey got tired of waiting for his big break and instead tried to make a stock deal with Martha Stewart. Then, when he couldn't get her on the phone, he just steals a car and rams it into a pet store. That would be a classic.
But, that's not this flick. This one stars Robert Panzarella. I think that was The Fonz's real name on 'Happy Days'. Sadly, this isn't about The Fonz, either.

JAILER: Hey Fonz, you're gonna be serving time, now.
FONZ: Ayyyyyyyhhhhhh!
JAILER: Don't give me no thumbs up, you bastard. You tortured and killed the Cunningham family! After they were nice enough to let you into their home!
FONZ: Ayyyyyyyhhhhhh!
JAILER: Ritchie’s older brother is coming back from college. I should let him have 20 minutes alone with you. He would bust you up real good.
FONZ: Ayyyyyyyhhhhhh!
(He puts Fonz in a cell with Tyrone)
TYRONE: Well, lookie at the pretty boy.
FONZ: Sit on it.
TYRONE: Oh, I plan to.
FONZ: Ayyyyyyyhhhhhh!

Ah, that would be something.
Here is the description of this film:
"Shot on location in Humble, Texas, this independent comedy displays small-town Texas life at its edgiest when Joey (Derek Sisson) prepares to go to prison for drunkenly robbing a convenience store, spending his last night of freedom carousing and seeking closure all over town with his pal Milo (writer-director Robert Panzarella). Brawling and womanizing and interacting with the down-home eccentrics in this actual Texas town, prison soon doesn't look too bad by comparison--maybe he needs a restful vacation after all. "

I really wish it was the Fonz movie. Or even the 'Friends' movie. I think I’ll pass on this one.


I actually know one Irish Republican Jail song. I hope it's on this CD:

Well I stumbled and I'm all drunk and full of beer
And I'm wearing me Newt Gingrich shirt an having no fear
so I stumbled down to the bank and called out 'stick er up'
So now I'm in the jail house till me sentence is all up

I spend the time behind bars thinking about Alan Keyes
And Shamrocks and Leprechauns and Irish things like these
I hope that 'Bob Dole will run again' I shout out with pride
Hopefully I'll to vote again when I'm on the outside

It's the Irish Republican Jail song
sing it out with me
I sing it everyday my friend
that is until I free
So even when I'm out of jail
two things will always be
I'll always be Irish and always G.O.P.

I am not sure if this is on the album, but I think I will skip this as well.


Ah, this is cute! A little toy western jail! That way when I get mad at Strawberry Shortcake for being such a prissy know-it-all at our tea parties. I can lock her up in jail.
That is if I had Strawberry Shortcake... which I don't.

This is one of the coolest items I have EVER seen on eBay. It's the LAPD placard that holds the numbers in front of a prisoner in a mug shot.
This is the same one that was used for O.J. Simpson in his famous arrest photo! This has been seen on the cover of many magazines and newspapers.
I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THIS! Too bad my Birthday isn't coming up.
I could sit behind it and have my picture taken. Heck, I could probably stand in front of the Chinese Theater in fabulous Hollywood California and charge tourists $5 to get their picture taken with it!
This would be great. Unfortunately it would take years to recoup the $4999 opening bid.

Perhaps I could steal it. That way if I got caught THEY could take my picture with it (which was my original intention anyway.)

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Commercial

This is probably the weirdest commercial I have ever seen.

Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish singing about chicken on what looks like the set of a Sid and Marty Krofft puppet show. It is flat out bizarre.

To begin with the song is a parody of "Big Rock Candy Mountain". THAT song came to the public eye (or ear) when it was featured in the film 'Oh Brother Where Art Thou'. It was written about 80 years ago.

Here are the lyrics:
Big Rock Candy Mountain

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning
Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains
So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs
The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too
You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains

I LOVE THAT SONG. I am not sure why they say they will see us "this coming fall" like it's the latest Woody Allen film, but just about every other word of the song is BRILLIANT.
I wonder what the body temperature of a hen would have to be so that she could "lay soft boiled eggs" and what kind of arm strength would you have to have to "paddle a canoe" in a "lake of stew". It is more than great music, it is thought provoking. It also USED to be a great camp sing-along for kids before people decided that songs about hobo paradises and trees that bear cigarettes were a BAD thing.

The Burger King spot has altered the lyrics to read:
When my belly starts a-rumblin', and I'm jonesin' for a treat.
I close my eyes for a big surprise, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, the breasts they grow on trees.
And streams of bacon ranch dressing flow right up to your knees.
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar paves the streets.
Folks don't front ya cause ya got the juice, there's a train of ladies comin' with a nice caboose.
Never get in trouble, never need an excuse, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch no one tells ya to behave.
Your wildest fantasies come true, Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves.
Red onions make you laugh instead, and french fries grow like weeds.
Ya get to veg all day, all the lotto tickets pay.
There's a King who wants you to have it your way, that's the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

Interesting. In print they sound even weirder. "The breasts they grow on trees" really should warrant some sort of FCC fine.

To top off the cleaver lyrics are even more clever visuals. The commercial is full of interesting characters and a couple of celebrities. For starters there is Hootie.

Now, I know his name isn't Hootie. As a matter of fact, there is no Hootie. Darius Rucker is the lead singer of a band called Hootie and the Blowfish, but no one in the band is Hootie (or a blowfish for that matter.)
Still, he shouldn't complain when we call him Hootie. After all, it is the easy assumption one would make when looking at the band's name. Plus, it is a much better nickname than Darius. Darius sounds like that rash that you get if you don't bathe enough.

Hootie is all decked out in a purple cowboy suit at the beginning of the 60 second version of the spot. But we don't recognize it as purple since the opening is black and white.

When my belly starts a-rumblin', and I'm jonesin' for a treat.

Than he closes his eyes and opens them and the commercial goes to full color. The tempo of the song also picks up a bit.
I close my eyes for a big surprise, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, the breasts they grow on trees.

Now, this super hot model is shown picking sandwiches off the tree. The set is very stylized and evocative of Technicolor children’s films like 'The Wizard of Oz'.
And streams of bacon ranch dressing, flow right up to your knees.

A set of milkmaid twins dance with buckets of ranch dressing.
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar paves the streets.

We see the 5th or 6th beautiful woman in about 10 seconds. She appears to be of Asian descent and is putting bricks of cheese into the street. We also see giant strips of bacon.
Folks don't front ya cause ya got the juice, there's a train of ladies comin' with a nice caboose.

A cowboy tips his hat at us and then we see TWO more pretty girls riding on one of those little hand operated train cars. One of them has the word "Vida" written across her butt.

"Vida" is the Spanish word for "Life". I assume that Burger King is telling us that the meaning of life is the sexy woman's sweet behind. I can't disagree.
Never get in trouble, never need an excuse, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch no one tells ya to behave.

This is one of my favorite parts of the commercial happens here, but you have to look REAL close to spot it. The Subservient Chicken shows up.

If you aren't familiar with him, let me just say that he's a man in a chicken suit. More on him later.
Anyway, the Subservient Chicken is dancing in the corner of the screen and if you look REAL close you can see the cowboy is lassoing him.
Your wildest fantasies come true,

At this point we get a close up shot of the Subservient Chicken. He does a little dance. If the meaning of life is THAT girl's butt, why is the Chicken my wildest fantasy?
The Subservient Chicken debuted a while back in a few Burger King commercials. He also has his own website. On his site you can ask him to do anything. ANYTHING!!!! He will do what ever you tell him. That's why they call him the Subservient Chicken. You get to "have it your way" and it's funny! Go ahead, CLICK HERE and try to stump him.

The promotion actually evolved into a pay per view fight between him and his evil twin Spicy. Unfortunately I never saw it.
Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves.

They show the famous Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders shaving a cowboy. Funny, when I think of me in paradise I imagine myself as an unshaven mess.

To each his own, I guess.
Red onions make you laugh instead, and french fries grow like weeds.

ANOTHER pretty girl shows up and hula hoops with a giant onion ring. See what I mean about how weird this is? I wonder what is in the water at Burger King headquarters. The next shot shows a couple of cowboys eating the sandwich as french fries sprout up out of the ground behind them.
Ya get to veg all day, all the lotto tickets pay.

The lotto winner is celebrating with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, the Subservient Chicken and a giant framed painting. That is EXACTLY what I would do if I won a million dollars.
There's a King who wants you to have it your way, that's the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

The commercial ends with a BANG. We see the Burger King! The one with the big plastic head.
He was in a commercial that (before this) was the strangest commercial ever aired on television.

In that commercial a man woke up in bed with the Burger King. The King then offers him a breakfast sandwich and they spend a few awkward moments under the blankets together.

The King must have been troubled by the gay innuendo in THAT spot so he shows up in this one with SUPER HOTTIE E!'s Brooke Burke. The King does a little dance and then pushes her in a swing.

In the alternate 30 second spot she bellows "come and get it."

Yes, this is the most insane commercial I have ever seen.

My guess is that the creators just jammed everything they could into this hoping SOMETHING will appeal to EVERYONE. There's good music, pretty girls, cowboys, paintings, money and chickens. Everyone is BOUND to be a fan of at least one of those things.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Mocking the list: Comedy Central's 100 greatest Comedians of all time

Yup, Comedy Central. It's a shame that the original comedy channel Ha! didn't stick around to give Comedy Central some competition. Perhaps then Comedy Central would be a BETTER network.
I know that some people like watching John Stewart do a second rate impression of Dennis Miller. And sure foul mouthed cartoon characters and puppets are fun. Plus we liked Pinball in "Con Air" so his take on last weeks 'Mad TV' sketches MUST be funny.

The rest of the time Comedy Central is completely hit or miss. Definitely NOT a channel you can turn on and leave on all day.

In actuality, Comedy Central fails just as often as they succeed. Remember when they announced a new award show called "The Commies"? They promised to give us something new BUT instead it was just another People's Choice/Blockbuster/MTV Music/TV Land awards show. "Old School" won almost every film award except the ones that were given to John Stewart, Pinball and basically anyone on the Comedy Central payroll.

Now Comedy Central brings us a list of the 100 Greatest Comics of all time. Lets take a look:

1. Richard Pryor
2. George Carlin
3. Lenny Bruce
4. Woody Allen
5. Chris Rock

Pretty good so far. Can't argue with Richard Pryor as #1 but I would have put Bill Cosby and Rodney Dangerfield ahead of Carlin or Rock. It's a matter of personal preference, however.

6. Steve Martin
7. Rodney Dangerfield
8. Bill Cosby
9. Roseanne Barr
10. Eddie Murphy
11. Johnny Carson
12. Jerry Seinfeld
13. Robin Williams
14. Bob Newhart

WOW! That caught me by surprise! I didn't think that Newhart would make the list. The man is a riot. So far, so good.

15. David Letterman
16. Ellen DeGeneres
17. Don Rickles
18. Jonathan Winters
19. Bill Hicks

Never heard of Bill Hicks. Never. I looked him up and found out that he is considered "one of the greatest comedians of all time" and "the Kurt Cobain of comedy." I have no idea what that means.

20. Sam Kinison
21. Dennis Miller
22. Robert Klein
23. Steven Wright
24. Redd Foxx
25. Bob Hope

ROBERT KLEIN????? Ahead of Bob Hope and Redd Foxx? What is that about?? Still, I like this list. I am happy Kinison finished so well.

26. Ray Romano
27. Jay Leno
28. Jack Benny
29. Milton Berle
30. Garry Shandling
31. George Burns
32. Albert Brooks
33. Andy Kaufman
34. Buddy Hackett
35. Phyllis Diller

Hackett, Benny, Berle and Burns. It seems as if they are just randomly tossing out the names of every old comedian they can think of. I can't say this is a BAD list, they are all deserving comedians, but it always seems forced when people put entertainment in order. For example, was George Burns really 1 spot less funny than Garry Shandling? If they swapped those two would anyone notice?
By the way, Andy Kaufman was my favorite of all time.

36. Jim Carrey
37. Martin Lawrence
38. Bill Maher
39. Billy Crystal
40. Mort Sahl

I bet even Mort Sahl is surprised he made the list. If you don't know Mort, he is a comedy writer and comedian since the 1950s. He's not very famous, however. It looks like some THOUGHT went into this list.

41. Jon Stewart
42. Flip Wilson
43. Dave Chappelle
44. Joan Rivers
45. Richard Lewis
46. Adam Sandler
47. Henny Youngman
48. Tim Allen
49. Freddie Prinze

Relax, they aren't talking about the Freddie Prinze from "Summer Catch" they are talking about his dad. THAT Freddie Prinze was on "Chico and the Man" he played Chico, but he was ALL man. Ewww. I think I just grossed MYSELF out.

50. Denis Leary
51. Lewis Black
52. Damon Wayans
53. David Brenner
54. DL Hughley
55. Alan King
56. Colin Quinn
57. Richard Jeni
58. Larry Miller

A word of warning. All the annoying comedians are coming up NEXT!

59. Gilbert Gottfried
60. Jeff Foxworthy
61. Bobcat Goldthwait
62. Eddie Griffin
63. Jackie Mason
64. Richard Belzer

You might be a redneck if your pants have holes in them. Yuk yuk yuk.

65. Cedrick the Enter.
66. Shelley Berman
67. Kevin Pollak
68. Dave Attell

DAVE ATTELL?? Oh right, he's on Comedy Central. I know some of their stars defiantly belong on this list. After all they are critically acclaimed and adored by a segment of the population, but Dave Attell?
Heres a list of people that should have made the list ABOVE Attell. To keep the list short I will limit it to fat people:

1. Kevin James
2. Chris Farley
3. Jim Belushi
4. John Belushi
5. Dan Aykroyd

69. Pat Cooper
70. Wanda Sykes
71. Red Buttons
72. Bernie Mac
73. Billy Connolly

I have checked with 5 different people. The letters after the number 73 spell BILLY CONNOLLY. Ugh. Here's a list of "America's Funniest Videos" hosts that are funnier than Billy Connolly.

1. Bob Saget .... Host (1990-1997)
2. John Fugelsang .... Host (1997-2000)
3. Daisy Fuentes .... Host (1997-2000)
4. Tom Bergeron .... Host (2001-)

74. Paul Rodriguez
75. Eddie Izzard
76. Robert Schimmel
77. Paul Reiser
78. Sinbad
79. Dom Irrera
80. Bobby Slayton
81. Dick Gregory

I guess we should congratulate Dom Irrera and Bobby Slayton for their upcoming shows on Comedy Central. There is no other way to explain how two guys who play the back room at Chuckles in East Orange New Jersey made this list.
As for Dick Gregory, I FORGOT that he was a comic! All I think of now is him helping fat people with braids and muumuus.

82. Howie Mandel
83. Norm MacDonald
84. Drew Carey
85. David Cross

Hey annoying comics get back between 59 and 64 where you belong!

86. Jay Mohr
87. Brett Butler
88. Paula Poundstone

Run Jay Mohr, run. Run as fast as you can before either of those crazy women sees you!

89. Kevin James
90. Dana Carvey
91. Jim Breuer
92. Louie Anderson
93. George Wallace
94. David Alan Grier

Awesome set. Although Louie wasn't funny enough to get on my "FAT PEOPLE FUNNIER THAN DAVE ATTELL" list. Remember "Life With Louie"? I think I still have a can of "Life With Louie" pasta in the back of my food cabinet.

95. Andrew 'Dice' Clay
96. Joey Bishop
97. Sandra Bernhard
98. Louis CK
99. Janeane Garofalo
100. Gallagher

Poor Joey Bishop. Stuck in the bottom with idiots, cranky women and people with stupid names. Good think Frank is dead and didn't have to see that.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Jeffrey Tambor Jokes

Jeffrey Tambor has been a fixture on TV and film for decades. He came to the public's attention with a great performance in 'And Justice For All' opposite Al Pacino. Tambor has appeared in over 100 quality TV and Motion Picture projects. He is an acting teacher and runs an acting school when he is in between acting jobs.

Here is currently on the show 'Arrested Development'. He is a very funny man and I know many jokes about him.

I would like to share some with you.

What word does Jeffrey Tambor pronounce wrong?
-The word "wrong!"

What kind of keys does Jeffrey Tambor like to carry?

What happens if Jeffery Tambor eats yeast and shoe polish?
-Every morning you'll rise and shine!

-Who’s there?
Jeffrey Tambor
-Jeffrey Tambor who?
What's wrong with you? Don't you know who Jeffrey Tambor is?

What did Jeffrey Tambor do when the doctor told him he was dying?
-He went in the living room & ate life savers!

What is Jeffrey Tambor's favorite instrument?
-The tambor-ine!

Jeffrey Tambor took two turtles to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie his shoes. How many "Ts" in that?
-There are 2 "Ts" in "THAT!

Why couldn't Jeffrey Tambor play cards on his boat?
-Because he was sitting on the deck.

Why did Jeffrey Tambor put a clock under his desk?
-Because he wanted to work over-time!

-Who's There?
-Accordion who?
Accordion to the Jeffrey Tambor, television work is difficult but rewarding.

-Who's There?
-Ima who?
Ima big fan of Jeffrey Tambor.

Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!

-Who's There?
-Ken who?
Ken you think of a better actor than Jeffrey Tambor?

Why didn't Jeffrey Tambor's skeleton cross the road?
-Because he had no BODY to go with.

-Who's There?
-Police who?
Police stop telling stupid Jeffrey Tambor jokes.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Mocking the List: Bravo's 100 Greatest TV Characters

Yes, Bravo is an authority of good television. Who better to tell us what we like? So, they took all the television characters they could think of and put them in what looks like a well thought out list. Let's take a look:

100. Xena
99. Monk
98. Steve Urkel

Eeeeek. URKEL! Let me alert you to a sad reality of this list. Before you get your hopes up, ALF, B.A. Baracus, Fred Flintstone and the castaways of Gilligan's Island did NOT make this list. Yet Urkel stands proudly at number 98.
This would be like doing a list of the greatest NFL Linebackers of all time and putting... uh... URKEL on that list! That makes just as much sense.
97. Dr. Smith
96. Artie
95. Doug Ross
94. Vic Mackey
93. Maynard G Krebs

Perhaps I am not as big a TV fan as I thought. I think this list just looks like a bunch of people I went to high school with. Except Maynard G Krebs. I WISH I went to high school with him. He was on "The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis". He was a beatnik played by Bob "Gilligan" Denver that was the model for Scooby Doo's Shaggy.
In case you are also unfamiliar with the names above, I did a little research.
Vic Mackey is Michael Chiklis' character on "The Shield" and Dr. Doug Ross is either George Clooney on "ER" or Gene Wilder in the movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask".
I assume its Clooney, but this list is so flawed the other choice is just as likely.
Dr. Smith was from "Lost in Space" and as for Artie, I am not sure. Until I hear otherwise, I assume they ARE talking about that guy I went to high school with. I am glad he did so well for himself.
92. Agent Dale Cooper
91. Caine
90. Herman Munster
89. Lt. Castillo
88. Jamie Somers
87. Gomez & Morticia

I hate when they put two people together and count them as one! Why can't they be TWO separate entries on the list? And what about Lilly Munster? If we are going to put the couple from one of the macabre comedies, why not the other? Why must Herman Munster be alone? Bravo should stay off this path; it's a slippery slope, my friends, a slippery slope.
86. Maxwell Smart
85. Napoleon Solo/Illya Kuryakin
84. Bob Hartley
83. Vinnie Barbarino
82. Gil Grissom & Catherine Willow
81. Cast of Will & Grace

See what I mean by "slippery slope!" The CAST of Will and Grace!!! What's next??? Is number 80 'EVERYONE ON NBC???'
80. Jack Tripper
79. Charles Ingalls
78. Rob & Laura Petrie
77. Dr. Craig
76. Ellenor Frutt
75. Ally McBeal
74. Beaver
73. Dr. Johnny Fever
72. Dick Solomon
71. Dan Fielding

These are some good ones! Dr. Johnny Fever from "WKRP"! I love him! Plus Dan Fielding (John Laroquette) from "Night Court"! AWESOME. And who could forget The Beaver? No one, not even Bravo.
Dr. Craig stumps me. I know there was a Dr. Craig on "St. Elsewhere, "Huff", "One Life To Live" and "All My Children". I was hoping it was an 'evil Dr. Phil' but then I remembered that Dr. Phil is evil, very evil.
70. Niles Crane
69. David Addison/Maddie Hayes
68. Benson
67. Jim Ignatowski
66. Carla Tortelli
65. John Boy
64. Jessica Fletcher
63. Andy Taylor
62. Francis Xavier Pembleton
61. Crockett & Tubbs
60. Mork

Carla from Cheers, both cops from Miami Vice and Mork. What more could you want? Oh yeah: ALF, B.A. Baracus, Fred Flintstone and the castaways of Gilligan's Island.
59. Al & Peg Bundy
58. Barney Miller
57. Rhoda Morgenstern
56. Mick Belker
55. Capt. Picard
54. Rocky & Bullwinkle
53. Pres. Josiah Bartlet
52. Emma Peel
51. Murphy Brown
50. Sam & Diane

I wish this was a broadcast on TV in the same format as the WWE's Royal Rumble. My money would be on Bullwinkle.
49. Maude Findlay
48. Ted Baxter
47. Carmela Soprano
46. Cast of Friends
45. Marshal Matt Dillon
44. Cliff Huxtable
43. Thomas Magnum
42. Laverne & Shirley
41. The Barone Family

AGAIN they use this "the cast of" nonsense. Why didn't they just make a '100 Greatest Casts' list?
40. Fred Sanford
39. Kojak
38. Sgt. Ernie Bilko
37. Marcus Welby
36. Barney Fife
35. Lou Grant
34. Kermit & Miss Piggy
33. Maverick
32. Scully & Mulder
31. Samantha Stephens
30. Det. Lenny Briscoe
29. Alex Keaton
28. Perry Mason

Barney Fife should be proud to be in the company of such other fine officers of the law. I hope he still has that bullet in his pocket, however. Those Muppets are notorious lawbreakers.
27. Ann Marie
26. Frasier Crane
25. Joe Friday
24. Louis De Palma
23. Andy Sipowicz
22. Richard Kimble
21. Mr. Spock
20. Ed Norton
19. Eric Cartman

This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I work here... I carry a badge. My name is Joe Friday. It was Tuesday, February 9. It was raining in Los Angeles. We were working with survelience on the Bravo network. I was convinced they were on some kind of mind altering drug since they put "Eric Cartman" on a list of the "Greatest TV Characters Ever." Instead, they are just stupid.
18. Roseanne
17. Jim Rockford
16. George Jefferson
15. J.R. Ewing
14. Hawkeye Pierce
13. Buffy

Where is Wheezy Jefferson??? Every other couple in the history of TV seems to be listed here as a couple but not the Jeffersons!!! I can't argue with putting George on the list, but to overlook Wheezy!!!! Shame, Bravo, shame.
12. Edith Bunker
11. Carrie Bradshaw
10. Tony Soprano
9. Capt. James T. Kirk
8. Mary Richards
7. Lt. Columbo
6. Seinfeld Cast
5. Homer Simpson
4. The Fonz
3. Lucy Ricardo
2. Ralph Kramden
1. Archie Bunker

Rounded out nicely with Lucy Ricardo, Ralph Kramden and Archie Bunker, but still this list is as flawed as any list could possibly be.

No one from "Knight Rider", EVERYONE from "Will and Grace". No Norm and no Cliff but everyone who has ever appeared on HBO.


Friday, March 04, 2005


Tennessee was discovered by Spanish explorer Captain Juan Pardo.

Juan Pardo, not Don Pardo.

Don Pardo is best known as the announcer for Saturday Night Live. Don was born February 22, 1918 and has worked as an announcer for radio and television.
Don has been the NBC announcer since the 1950s. In addition to Saturday Night Live he has also announced Jeopardy!, The Price is Right, and other game shows.

There are no photographs of Juan since he died before photographic equipment was invented. So, in place of a photo of him I give you a photo of legendary Cuban musician Juan Pardo (no relation.)

The name Tennessee is usually attributed to the Cherokee word Tanase. Oddly enough Tanase has no certain meaning (it has been said that it might mean "meeting place", "winding river" or "River of the great bend"). Of course it could also mean "mustache slinky", "cardboard pants" or "frustrated goats".

In 1716 Tennessee was admitted to the Union becoming the 16th state. It was the last Confederate state to secede from the Union on June 8, 1861.

Tennessee celebrated its bicentennial in 1996 after a yearlong statewide celebration entitled "Tennessee 200" by opening a new state park (Bicentennial Mall) at the foot of Capitol Hill in Nashville.

Tennessee has two 'N's, two 'S's and four 'E's making it one of the least popular states to spell. Tennessee is an anagram for "teen sense" which is an oxy moron. The word "Tenesee" is Tennessee spelled incorrectly.

Tennessee is a popular state for tourists. Among the many popular attractions is Graceland: Home of Elvis Presley's and The Hermitage: Home of former U.S. President Andrew Jackson. No other important people ever lived in this state.

The state is home to the Jack Daniel Distillery in Lynchburg. Tours are available daily, but oddly enough it is located in a 'dry county' so you must cross county lines to get drunk.

In the center of the state is "Music City, U.S.A." Nashville, TN. There are many great stops here including the Grand Ole Opry and the Country Music Hall of Fame.

Possibly the weirdest attraction in Tennessee is The Parthenon, the only full-size replica of the ancient Greek Temple. It is so out of place you would swear you are drunk when you see it. Then again, that may be in a wet county so you might actually be drunk when you see it.

Yes Tennessee is a wonderful state. We are glad to have it as part of our "good old U.S.A.!"

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Larry Walters: The Lawn Chair Pilot

In July 1982 truck driver from fabulous Hollywood California hooked 45 weather balloons to a lawn chair and flew 16,000 feet above southern California. He stayed up there for about 2 hours.

He called the chair "Inspiration I".

He brought a bottle of soda, a pellet gun and a CB radio with him after he strapped on a parachute and climbed into the chair.

His impromptu flight startled two airline pilots en route to LAX, both of whom screamed "Oh my god! Some guy stole Wonder Woman's invisible plane!"

As he approached his top altitude (about 3 miles) he began to get very cold. So he used to the pellet gun to pop the helium balloons and eventually crashed into some power lines in Long Beach.

Walters was fined by the FAA and appeared on the Tonight Show (with Johnny Carson) and Late Night with David Letterman. He described his run with the media as "the most fun I've ever had."

Walters then started to lecture on the motivational speaker circuit. Not having giant teeth like Tony Robbins he was forced to motivate people with his story. His speech was called "You Too Can Do Something Incredibly Stupid and Dangerous!" For some reason he was not in much demand as a speaker.

Larry Walters' goal was actually much different than what happened. He wanted to sail MUCH lower across the desert to the Rocky Mountains. The problem was he miscalculated the amount of lift he would get from the balloons.

The balloon sailed so fast that he lost his glasses on take off. He then used the pellet gun to shoot out the balloons, but that fell to the ground, too.

When he landed he gave the chair to some local kids, a decision that he regretted for the rest of his life. The Smithsonian Institute later requested it for their museum.

Many years later, however, the chair did turn up and can be seen in photos on the definitive Larry Walters site.

Walters' story has been turned into a stage play entitled "THE MAN IN THE FLYING LAWN CHAIR".

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always liked the Fat Boys.

By Fat Boys I mean the rap group, not that I have a thing for overweight guys.

There was so much to like about the Fat Boys. They were funny, they were fat and they rapped. That’s like a horse who won the Triple Crown in my book. Of course if you could find a fat, rapping horse that could win the Kentucky Derby that would be even better.

Well, as I searched through their music catalogue one song stood out. It isn't one of their biggest hits, nor is it a very memorable song for any reason other than that the title is so stupid.

If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)

I always find it strange when they put part of the title in parenthesis. Why? Who decided to do that? For example Carol King's "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" or The Beastie Boys "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)."

Did the band give it the shorter name and then the record company changed it to make it clear what song it was? If so, why did the Fat Boys put "Bruddah" in parenthesis. It's not like there is another song out there called "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"!

MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Have you heard "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah"?
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: The one by Bon Jovi or by Barbra Streisand?
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: No, by the Fat Boys.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Oh, you mean "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah)"!
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Yeah, that’s the one.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: I haven't heard it yet. Let's put it on and then make out with each other.
MAN WHO LIKES MUSIC: Uh, let's just listen to it.
MAN WHO LIKES OTHER MEN: Can we make out later.

Well, here it is. The Fat Boys "If It Ain't One Thing its Anuddah (Bruddah)"?

Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, all these problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man

Oh wow! This is going to be deep. I wonder which of the world's problems we will discuss. Maybe terrorism, or hunger, or perhaps pollution. It should be great.

Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Sell a million copies? They put me on a magazine cover
I sell one or two, they claim that I'm played out
My girl nags me at home, so, I shoulda stayed out
I buy a new car, it runs out of gas

Or maybe they will just be babbling about stupid problems that they have that have nothing to do with the world.
That's cool. I hate when you buy a car and they neglect to tell you that it will run out of gas! It's like, I want a car that works, not one that has some kind of problem that causes it to need gas all the time!

In school, I was always gettin' kicked out of class
Mom would say, 'Be like your older brother!'
If it ain't one thing it's another

Ahh, now we are getting somewhere. The jealousy between Prince Markie Dee and his brother (his majesty Prince Douglas Dee.) It is a shame that Markie will have to stand in Prince Douglas' shadow when he assumes the throne. A royal shame indeed.

Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, all these problems

Yeah, life is hard for Prince Markie Dee. His girl yells at him, his new car ran out of gas and he is on a magazine cover. It couldn't be harder.
Well I guess some people have no girl, were paralyzed in a car accident and have nasty paper cuts from reading magazines too fast. Still, Markie has problems and it's good that he is talking them through.

Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for a
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood

HOLD ON A SECOND! He picks up his date? I thought his girl yells at him "at home"! Is Markie CHEATING? Perhaps he is to blame for his own problems.
Drove to City Island for some seafood
$3.99 for all you can eat
Shrimp galore, bon appetit
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Went to the Marriott, paid for a suite
She was anxious even more that me
And, man, I got busy as a bumblebee
When we were done, I drove her home

"We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat" WHAT POETRY! No wonder he does so well with the ladies!
Proceeded to my house, all alone
It started rainin', I was playin' Bobby Brown
I missed my exit, so, I circled around

Aw jeez, RAIN! That is awful! Plus he missed his exit. Also he had to listen to Bobby Brown. That sucks.
And that's when it happened, I didn't get far
A pole jumped in front of my car
I broke my leg, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

OK, I was making light of his problems until now, but this is serious. He crashed into a Polish person and his leg broke. Also, he may have developed a stutter. He is not sure, I think, because he may have a minor concussion. That's pretty sad.

Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
On tour for so long that it wears me down
I've been to every city and every small town
And, after a while, things start to ache
I want my body to move, that damn thing won't shake

I LOVE KOOL ROCK SKI. He's the second fattest of the group! I am not sure what "damn thing" he has that won't shake, but I hope I never find out.
Then, one night, the last date on tour
From that morning my throat was sore
I started gettin' worried, it wouldn’t be long
`Cause the way my throat was hurtin', it would soon be gone
Then, wouldn't you know? You know it, yes
I tried to say somthin' but I was voiceless
Showtime came, I had to lip-synch

That's OK, you won't draw the ire of the public unless you are a 'young female'. We in the music buying public hate young females and we wait for them to fall. Fat guys can lip synch all they want. Look at Luciano Pavarotti. I hear he hasn't sung a note live in over 20 years. It's all off a CD he recorded in one of the "Superstar Sound" recording booths in a theme park in Rome.
It got so wild that I couldn't think
The show was done, a doctor checked my health
I spent the night all by myself
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah

Oh wow. He lost his voice and might have developed a stutter, too! How will the Fat Boys ever survive???
The world never knew because "If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)" was never released.

Until now! I have found the master sheet of unrecorded lyrics. I hope you like them.

Fat Boys - If It Ain't One Thing It's Anuddah (Bruddah) (Part Two)
Intro: Prince Markie Dee
Man, there is still problems in our world today
I just don't know what to do, man
Verse One: Prince Markie Dee
If it ain't one thing, it's another
Get your car washed it gets dirty again
Go to sleep and you have to wake up.
Clean your clothes and then you have to dry them
Wear some shoes and your socks get jealous.
Buy your socks a diamond ring and then they leave you for some other feet
If it ain't one thing it's another
Talk: Prince Markie Dee
You know what I'm sayin' man?
I mean, my socks is some ungrateful hussies!
Let me tell ya `bout the time when I - Well, let me break it
down for ya
Verse Two: Prince Markie Dee
Picked up my date at eight in a happy mood
Went to McDonalds for some seafood
Filet of Fish tasted really great
Eat it in the car because I could wait
We ate hearty `till we couldn't eat
Then I drove her home
I drove her home, man, do I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah
Verse Three: Kool Rock Ski
We don't tour anymore so I mostly just sit around the house
Man, what a bummer, what did I stutter?
If it ain't one thing, it's anuddah, bruddah